come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, July 17, 2009

July Blog Carnival: aka Freedom to Heal ♥



FYI: I began this post [below] prior to being asked by Marj aka Thriver to host the July Blog Carnival.

I read you. Many of you, some who read me, some who don't.
I need you. Your comments, your hope.

You are directly tied to my healing process,
because you believe in me.

Also, because you know.

You know the pain, because you have lived the pain.

You have hurt, you are also in need of healing.

We are in this together.

You are amazing strong people. I see that, I read that.
words are with me, and I ALWAYS find something, exactly what I need, when I read you. Thank you.

I have a new reader. This is from her blog.

Pearls ...

Pearls ...
...are made by injured life's

Her name is Paula. Click on the picture to take you to her blog Captured...or click on her name to take you to her blog Tea, Toast and Treasure. Tidbits of healing....treasure in friendship.

Paula, welcome to Healing!

...and now on to...

The THEME for the JULY carnival is


I have come to realize that healing is a choice.
We have the freedom to move into a better future and to not give even one more moment of our lives to our abusers. We are free from them and have power over our past as we realize that healing is freedom....possible, available....healing is worth fighting for.

The pain of our abuse, neglect, even addictions is WAR,
and we are fighting for our healing, for our future.

Every day, every word your speak, write,
share boldly stands up to say
we wont take it anymore.

Don't Give One More Moment
of YOUR life to them.
Freedom to Heal

I am thrilled to be part of this network of healing and my hope for you is that through this Freedom to Heal Blog Carnival that you will find friendships and support on your healing journey.

For the Carnival I have had submissions from the following.

These BC submissions:
notes, poetry, and invitations to heal,
are beautiful expressions
and I thank you for them.

This has been a huge journey and I feel myself standing on the edge of the cliff, not wanting to jump, but wanting to enjoy the beauty of the view.

The view of my past, my journey to heal, the freedom that I feel to see it, and to turn around and
continue hiking. My hike will continue with you; with each of you
as together we work hard to heal.

I begin with an expression from One Tough Cookie.

Her blog -perfect- is amazing to follow.

She submitted Bouquet or Field: The building of a bridge.
[you will notice if you click on the icon, the blog name, and the submission that I take you to the authors Profile, Blog Current Page, and finally to the submitted article. I hope this is not confusing but allows you to easily access each piece of information from each blog author.]

She expresses, "You can hold on to the little bit that you have or you can open yourself up to the possibility of so much more. I choose to drop my bouquet and experience the field.

...And I'll be damned if I'm going to let this slip by without sucking every ounce of opportunity out of it. I know I've more work to do but I am changing and it feels freeing. No, it *IS* freeing."

Thanks One Tough Cookie,
You don't have to be perfect...
just keep being YOU!

also on our journey...
Freedom to Heal!

ChildPerson From The South stated:
"Healing from child abuse is a journey. Along with the freedom to choose healing, we choose a journey that like any other will be filled with byways, hills and valleys. At times the going is easy and we celebrate our successes with joy. At other times, the going is hard and we stumble, even collapse, under the weight of it. Then we may cry out in torment to whatever gods may be for us: Why me? Why struggle? Why go on?"

This submission: A Child Abuse Legend: A Journey of Healing

gives the reader the sense of Healing by Choice,
enduring the journey.
A very worthwhile read which concludes:

"And so you will find your way, and there will be help you never dreamed of, if you choose healing and just keep going…and someday fifty years hence, you may even look at your scars and say…after all is said and done, Life is Good. Thank You God!

And please now let me say, although the words may sound trite and over used…as you choose healing, and go through the valleys, along the byways, over the seemingly endless hills...Enjoy your Journey!"

"A Child is Waiting,
Take aware,
Nancy Lee"


Paul writes about our responsibility to heal. His analogy of water in Respect, Responsibility, and Water states in retrospect that:
"The route to healing is increasing that awareness, building collaboration and communication and bringing down the dissociative walls. This is monumental work."

I enjoyed his rhetoric:
"respect and responsibility leads to safety."

He shares what happens when you analyze a glass of water:
"Imagine, for example, a glass of water. The glass sits on a table and when you look at it, everything looks quite calm."

Read his submission to find out what
happens when you look at
water with a magnifying glass.

He continues in his article:

"I often think of my personality system as a network of hydrogen bonds."

"...So, next time you drink one of your several 8 oz glasses of water each day for your optimal physical health, realize that the water is doing a dance just like inside your head and that the dance is not a simple one. Know that this ability to keep our systems as liquid water (and not steam or ice) is what gives us a holistic sense of respect and responsibility."

And perhaps you can adopt the motto I have for today:

"Water is healing".

perhaps we can...what a great article, analogy and motto. Thanks Paul.

I went on to read:

Dr. Kathleen Young, who submitted an article under the catergory Healing and Therapy titled 7 Things You Can DO RIght Now To Start Feeling Better

She writes:

"Anxious? Depressed? Stressed? Overwhelmed by trauma memories? You will want to do things to help yourself feel better as quickly as possible, without doing anything that has negative consequences. It takes time to recover but there are simple things you can do right now."

I respond, YES PLEASE. I will take some of that. Check out her submission for the 7 things that you can be doing right now. I was particularly interested in number 6:

6. Connect to others. We all need human connection. Do you have supportive friends you can reach out to? If not, explore in-person or online support groups, classes, activities.
Blogging, the support of you who read, write, and comment, really exemplifies this. I feel your friendship, support, understanding, healing and freeing myself from my pain as I enter your lives through your words, your honesty, your real raw rhetoric. Thank you for sharing parts of yourself with me each week, day, and for being there day and night, anytime I need a little pick me up, hold me back, ((((safe hugs))))), understanding, human connection.

Grace submitted a writing titled

Good Enough: Someday....I WILL Heal!

she begins:
"I will heal...I will hold my head high. I will walk with confidence and grace and spread my love and joy to all people, each person that I come in contact with."

and continues...
"I will heal… I will look into the mirror I will smile at who I am and who I've become.

I will heal…I will run and play and I will become a positive role model for my children and others.

I will heal…I will acknowledge the pain I feel inside, and learn to cope without causing physical pain to myself.

I will heal…I will accept that this is my life and it's the only life I have so I will live it to the fullest and no one will stop me.

I will heal…I will give to others all that I have to give and I will smile as I do so because that is how I was created.

I will heal…I will stand up for what I believe in and fight for the beliefs I have and I will not let someone else sway me from those beliefs. And when need be, I will be firm, but loving, and I will not back down from what I know is true.

I will heal…I will share my story with others as I can because it is my strength and stronghold and the reason I am alive."

These expressions are freeing her from her past. She has chosen to HEAL and is finding that she has the power and the FREEDOM TO HEAL.

Thanks Grace, you are GOOD ENOUGH! I have learned so much from your courage and strength, and the statement...I WILL HEAL...
and I believe that Someday....SOON will HEAL ♥ hugs, mile 191

Following Grace I thought Enola was a perfect fit. Enola wrote: As an attorney, I enjoy legal things. This is my own proclamation of freedom. It was very healing to write. I'd encourage others to write their own. If you're not up for that, but want one anyway, I'll be glad to offer my own skills to write one for you, pro bono (free) of course.

Her submission is from October 2007 but fits the bill for therapeutic freedom. I not only enjoyed her post, but the comments left by others at that time. She writes a divorce decree from whatever was plaguing her, and encourages readers to do the same for themselves. Letting go of the past, freeing yourself, being open to healing.

Her post is titled: I Now Pronounce You Divorced. Check it out!

Mary G. submitted a poem:


I try so hard to shake the past

But it still flickers through my mind,

That little girl that I do see

Herself she still cant find.

The pain she feels tears through her

Like a knife so sharp she screams,

Why did he do those awful things

When he comes close it makes her squeam....

...She tries so hard to hide her fears

And keeps them deep inside,

But one day they will erupt in her

And to someone she will confide.....

...I don't know when I will heal inside

For that little girl in me,

Is still too scared to open up

Dear God please help set her free.

Free to be her self again,

With a sparkle in her eye,

To have happy thoughts and pretty smiles

And no more fears that make her cry.

I end this here in hopes that I

Will one day conquer my fears,

And be able to show one little child

That there IS hope, and no more tears.

Written by Mary G.

To read the poem in it's entirety, click on the links.
Great Submission. Thanks Mary G.

AND now A THOUGHT on Reclaiming ourSELVES after ABUSE:

Beautiful Dreamer's submission Reclaiming What Was Mine.

This "Beautiful" journal entry talks about the definition of the word Reclaim:
"re·claim (r-klm) 1. To bring into or return to a suitable condition for use, as cultivation or habitation: reclaim marshlands; reclaim strip-mined land. 2. To procure (usable substances) from refuse or waste products. 3. To bring back, as from error, to a right or proper course; reform."

Like most of us can associate "My childhood was on a proper course to begin with, but somehow it ended up off track and everything which unfolded beyond that point felt to me as if it were a grisly error."

She talks about self - expression:
"Because we're all created as unique individuals, we have the need and the right to express ourselves in many diverse ways, without anyone dictating to us what those ways should be."

and continues with the ability to make her own decisions...HUGE...

and concludes with the right and ability to be guided NOT by FEAR...

Fears are the inevitable outcome of having had so many horrible things done to me as a child. It's only logical that I would have them, but must I live with them for the rest of my days? This too is a choice, though the act of choosing not to be ruled by fear won't make them instantly vanish. Their roots go deep. If they are to be excavated from my life they will have to be taken seriously. Fear, I'm discovering, grows the more it is given expression and focus. Perhaps I can learn to distract myself from them by focusing on the good things in my life and, by doing so, minimize their impact on my world today.

Reclaim: to call back, entreat, cry out.

May I never stop doing these things as I learn to live in the world not as a victim, but as one who has decided, yes decided, to live life to the fullest."

To give oneself permission to heal is a defining moment with huge positive repercussions. Though healing is a definite process (and deciding its undertaking doesn't mean instant results), it is a choice we must make if we want to turn the tables on our abusers. I want to live life to the fullest, and so I choose to do so. I'm still crippled in some areas, I may ever be so--but always, in some manner, I'm moving forward. The one idea I'd like to implant in the brain of each survivor is that healing is a choice. And no one can make that choice for you.

Marj aka Thriver submitted an older post, a poem, that touched my very core.

she says:
"I wrote this poem over a year ago. It was during a productive time, before I retrieved new childhood abuse memories, that led to the depression, that sent me down to the Colin Ross trauma program in Dallas, Texas. The poem is called I Am Whole. The last line says, "Now I am free!" I have to admit, I don't always believe these lines.

a few more of her thoughts leading to the poem:
"'s something from my Meditations page of my website,

Somewhere along the journey from victim, to survivor to thriver, you realize: you are not broken; you are whole.

"It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive
to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts."
~ Robert H. Schuller

Please treat yourself to this submission and read her poem, I am Whole.
I am whole
Nothing can shake me
No one can break me

I am whole
It's what I know
Let go control

I am whole
Can't be defined
One heart, one mind

I am whole
Thought I was broken
Cruel words were spoken

But, I am whole
I choose to be
Now I am free!

Yes, Marj. You are FREE, Heal ♥

Lisa Marie A shares a heart wrenching experience with understanding her pain, her experiences and her journey with her post titled, Can You Think Like A Child?

I really understood her when she wrote this: "I didn't even realize I was crying. That question I love was said next, "What are you feeling right now?". There aren't words for what I feel. PAIN. Not having the words to explain that, I told her I was frustrated with the fact that even going through every awful thing he did to me, I still place the blame on myself and cannot find it in me to feel anger towards him."

She concludes: "Through the tears and the pain, I learned something that seems so painfully obvious but something that I think is going to help me on my journey to heal. I can't think of this as an adult. I have to realize that my inner child needs to take control of this one. I just hope she feels strong enough to come out."

Read her entire post, it is courageous! She also submitted a celebration of her working through shame and hopeless feelings in her
A Tale of Two People.

Both Great reads. Check them out!

Nancy Richards submitted a post titled: Progress vs. Pain Free. In it she wrote, "I could see that each time I "hit" a patch of pain, I was healing at a deeper level. Sometimes, I may have been the same, but feelings I was not the same!

When I began to focus on my progress vs. being pain free, it restored my energy and gave me renewed hope!"


Shadow from
1 door away from heaven
submitted a poem

she asks:

"can she bring
herself to
find the will that unbars"

take the time to read her poetry which begins...

"in her soul
are the echoes
of a distant girl
who revelled
in love"

Sarah submitted Silence No More from her blog-
Child abuse hurts.
It hurts really bad.
It changes who we are.
It changes who we become.
It changes how we move in the world.

I refuse to allow what happened to me stop me from living my best life.

She quotes:
"I swear never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. Silence encourages the tormentor never the tormented." Eli Wiesel

Read her story, her boldly breaking the silence, her freeing herself, allowing the healing process to begin. She is beautiful, and brave.

In her post she concludes:

"I"m stronger now. Somehow everything that happened made me strong. I just need to know it's ok to stop fighting. To let go, to trust."

Thank you Sarah, for sharing.

Mark submitted two of his posts. Both I felt were applicable to our Freedom to Heal. His first post is titled Getting Used To It - A Metaphor

Something that he shared from it after he wrote about an experience he had in therapy that helped him to recognize his misunderstanding of his own physical condition. He stated:
"Sounds like a metaphor for life, eh? If not life in general, certainly the life of a survivor. Sometimes we are so familiar with the pain and other affects from our past that we don’t even realize how much better life could be with some small changes. We simply get used to what we have and convince ourselves that there’s nothing really wrong.

His next post submitted actually came from our Blog Carnival theme: Freedom to Heal. I really enjoyed the strength in his statement here:

"survivors often struggling with feeling like they need permission to take care of themselves first."
[ummmm, yeah.]
"Survivors making the choice to take care of themselves is a similar situation. So many of us have been conditioned to take care of others, to think of our own needs last, perhaps even that our needs don’t matter. It can be difficult to look after our needs first and foremost because we’ve been trained not to do that, and just like the reaction of the boss at the grocery store that Red works in after being released, it makes absolutely no sense to anyone else. That’s because it’s perfectly normal to want to take care of ourselves.
Survivors need to remember that, and then we need to give ourselves permission to do what we need to do as human beings, take care of ourselves!"
Way to go Mark, Thank you for the submissions, and keep on writing. Take care of yourself!

...and finally, celebrating Independence Day, Patricia submitted an article that encompasses:

"A Bill of Rights and Declaration of Independence for survivors of childhood abuse."

"July 4 is Independence Day in the U. S. A. We have lots of cook-outs, family gatherings and fireworks displays to attend. Many people spend time in their back yards with family and friends or go swimming, fishing and boating on our many lakes.

Some of us use this day to declare our independence from our abusive past."
She continues to state the following and then writes a bill of healing and freedom from abuse and her past.
"Over the past few weeks, I have been sorting through some of my old writings looking for a particular few pages that are still eluding my searches. Instead I found a Bill of Rights list that I wrote for myself over 10 years ago that I want to share with you now.".

She links you to one of my favorite bloggers:

Colleen is brave, she has courage, she uesdeclares:
I am now declaring my independence from all who abuse me.
So many people advised me today to back off and separate from my abusers. And so I did.
So many people advised me today to take care of myself and my inner child. And so I am.

Check out her blog, her post Declaration of Independence,
and think about writing your own declaration!!!

She concludes bravely:

"There is freedom in truth
and freedom in being real.
There is freedom in being true to oneself.
There is freedom in love.
The honest kind of love.
The real kind that makes us whole,
the kind that does not tear us apart.
My eyes are wide open
and I am seeing something
I thought I would never see.

I am seeing the truth.
Truth has invaded my family.
And those who want it
or need it are thriving.

Living free.
And those who need to hide
from it are in the dark,

toxic to me and to others.
And so I will stick with
Truth and Love and Freedom.
That will be my flag.
Let freedom ring."

In conclusion of this July Blog Carnival FREEDOM TO HEAL...

My bloggers:
Free yourself from the past of pain and abuse.
Freedom to Heal.
We are in this together,

to support,
to comment with shows of compassion,

we can be healed and be made whole,
as we turn even to Christ,
for those who have religion;
to Christ, or Buddha,
or whatever Godly being that you
have in your life to seek and find peace.

My hope is that you find some friendship, some words of encouragement.

Reach out to each other, that we may find all who are looking for healing here in the space of technology, that no woman or man ever feel alone in healing.

Freedom to Heal!
Happy Healthy Healing!!!!

hugs --mile 191

Monday, July 13, 2009

July Blog Carnival


I am excited to have been invited by Marj aka Thriver
to host this months Blog Carnival.

deadline for submissions is this

Wednesday night July 15, 2009
....or at least by Thursday before I wake up. ♥

The Carnival will be posted Friday July 17th. I will be out of town ALOT until August 12th...I will check in as I can, and hope that you enjoy lingering here and with new friends through the Blog Carnival until I return.

The THEME for this carnival is


I have come to realize that healing is a choice.
We have the freedom to move into a better future and to not give even one more moment of our lives to our abusers. We are free from them and have power over our past as we realize that healing is freedom....possible, available....healing is worth fighting for.

The pain of our abuse, neglect, even addictions is WAR,
and we are fighting for our healing, for our future.

Every day, every word your speak, write,
share boldly stands up to say
we wont take it anymore.

Don't Give One More Moment
of YOUR life to them.
Freedom to Heal

Use this link to go directly
to the BC submission form:

I am looking forward to your submissions
and for the growth that will come
as we linger together in healing power.

Lying there in bed,
with mascera on my pillow.
Stained from a night of tossing and crying,
aching painfully in my past.

And now I have to see my four reasons to break the cycle. [thanks vicki]

And not only my four reasons...but include ME and my husband.

And not only six, but eight. My sister and my niece.

Not eight, but grandfather, my nieces, my nephew. My brothers, an older sister, yes. many... an infinity of reasons.

Reasons like you. People who are here for me, helping me heal.

This is from a magazine called Guideposts. My grandfather sends it to me each month. Jim Rohn --"If you go to work on your goals, your goals will go to work on you. If you go to work on your plan, your plan will go to work on you. Whatever good things we build end up building us."

This is good.

Dr. Wayne Dyer wrote: "Sadness, fear, frustration or any troubling feeling cannot last. Nature doesn't create a storm that never ends."

I am hanging on to this hope.


Thank you. --mile191

Sunday, July 12, 2009


What have I come to?

I have come to perspective.

The hurt that this memory has caused is healing.

I guess that broken is better. I have said that before. I have ridden this rollar coaster, the ups and downs of life. Of pain, of tragedy, of horror.

And I am me.

That is what has become of it all.

And I like me.

I could focus on what I don't like, but that would only take me to scary places again.

Places like the pain that I feel realizing that I do have some of my mother in me. That I am going to once in a while say something from my childhood that could be tied to her.

I find it interesting. I smiled as I said that we couldn't swim until the snow had melted. I thought that being able to say that...smiling... that I was somehow a bit healed. A bit whole.

Was I wrong?

I ask because how come this conversation about the snow and my mother, and our flooding the basement,

...not how come...

--actually, HOW COULD I smile and say that to my own children, and yet, that VERY STATEMENT and childhood act and memory IS IN FACT the concluding statement of the the Grand Juridical proving of WHEN and WHERE and HOW I came to be abuse, beaten, molested, raped, all happened because of her.

Because she said those things, and we were children, and "shit happened" [to quote an unquotable].

And it is all history. My history. The story that I leave to my children.

And now, I have their future in my hands.

What will they say of me?

That is all I have left. Their future....and mine.

And it is what I make of it.

Perspective: When you are BLINDED by your trials, allow God to SHOW you his Eternal Perspective. "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Ether 12:27

This all leads back to my telling my husband. That morning.

broken by his bruises

Having opened a wound I didn't think needed so much healing, I am still sore.

Don't read me wrong.

I don't believe that I will truly become my mother.
I know I won't hurt my children the way she did us.
I won't ever allow someone else to abuse them the way we were.

I know this.

My tears, the shedding of my past. The loss of innocence at such a young and tender age.

Nine years old. The beginning of him touching me, gently.
Yet a touch that RIPPED my world apart.

A touch that I can never enjoy. My body is conditioned. It is ruined.

broken by his bruises

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Because of me

The more that I have been thinking about what I feel I realize that there are so many things about myself that I don't like.

I think deep down I must have always known that we did this thing. We flooded the basement, and I shouldn't say we. I was older. I was nine. My brother was only seven.

Yes we were kids, and that is probably the justification that goes through everyones wasn't our fault, it wasn't my fault. The adults in our lives did this. They made the choices, the choices that brought on our abuse and pain.

Okay, I hear all of that and I say it to myself.

But the bottom line is that it happened.

It happened, and I am living with it day and night.

And I have done and said things that are very much like my mother. Not that I am becoming her....I don't really feel that.

I am talking about the pain that I feel because of learning something, and putting all these thoughts and feelings together.

The pain that keeps me crying at night.

We took that drive up the mountain, we talked about those things, the simple childhood memories that took me back to the beginning. Back to where it began, and where it ended.

I hurt so badly.

I ache inside to have the pain soothed. To have it healed.

To be able to remember it, but not be so debilitated by the lonely sadness that the memories fill me with.

To be able to say, yes, it happened to me, but it is not ME.

To be able to discover who I am, regardless of being broken by his bruises.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

mascera on my pillow

I have been crying, so much my eyes are swollen and there are perfect marks from them on my pillow.

My husband has gotten up to go to work. We talked. A perfect blogger support friend moment. I wouldn't have talked....but the words written by Vicki in AZ struck my heart to the core, she wrote about telling...

Today, I went to her blog...she posted about her reasons....a reason to break the cycle...

ummmm, it is not ironic. there are reasons we are in one anothers lives.

Let me write, about my tears. For me. If you read, please know...

this is written for me, to heal, it is how I feel today. But it is not how I will feel tomorrow, or when you are reading it, it is only how I feel RIGHT NOW. In this moment.

For once I write it I will walk away from my computer, leave these feelings, these thoughts, HERE, in my closet, in my healing place. And it will be DONE.

My brother came to visit.

We had a wonderful evening.

And then we stayed up WAY to late talking.

The next morning came really early. I had to be up, to be showered, dressed, ready, to get everyone else ready...

because we only have one day, one moment to make,

and then he will be gone.


Abandonment. Probably the hardest of my abuse issues to deal with.

I miss people, when they are gone.

I hate leaving. I struggle with deaths. Still.

This morning I was TELLING my husband,
after many tears,
about my pain.

I haven't ever really done that.
I talked to him. He tried to comfort, to console,
then he tried to SOLVE.

The solving doesn't really work,
he got up and went to work.
He left me too.

So I cried more.
And then I remembered that I could come here and tell.
I could just write it all away.

What I fear the most is to become like my own mother was. It is not a rational fear, I know that I wont become her. It would be impossible. But, I hurt.

I hurt today because I realized yesterday, with my brother, that it was us. Well, it was me.

We took a drive yesterday, up a canyon that I grew up in. My mother used to tell us as kids that we could not swim until the snow was off the mountain. The snow was never off this mountain, EVER. If it was, she would say, "YEAH...we will go next week." And as children we got our hopes up....and then it would SNOW the next week, and of course we couldn't go.

My brother said, "she said that because she never wanted to take us swimming." Which is probably true.

My daughter said, "My mom tells us the same thing." And that is true.

I do. I tell my kids that. The difference is that I take them swimming all the time. But I tease and tell them that, and I thought that it was kind of cathartic that I could tell them that, and smile. That I was able to DEAL with some of my childhood without it all being bad, and being sad.

But we talked about this - I remembered something.

We remembered something. We were talking and I said, "Yes, she would say that, but she never stopped us from having fun."

My brother remembered that we would always flood things so that we could swim. We flooded everything we could find on our farm. We laughed yesterday about letting the cows out. About leaving our basement window open and letting ourselves in and out, day and night. No one ruled us. We ruled, and we had so much fun.

And then we remembered....we flooded the basement once, so that we could GO SWIMMING. We plugged up the bathroom, the toilet, the shower, and both sinks, and left the water on. We went out the window to play...just knowing that the basement would be our swimming pool when we got home. We flooded the that we could have fun.

Because we flooded the basement my mother had to hire construction workers to come remodel our home.

Because we flooded the basement, my mother hired my future STEP DAD to remodel our home.

BECAUSE we flooded the basement, he came into our home everyday and began to molest me, he wooed my mother from her lonely life, and she took us kids and ran away with him.

Because of me.

And, now I have said the same thing to my children, the thing that she said to us, the thing that started our nightmare.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


It is 05:06 am on 07-08-09

anybody up yet!!!!

Just wanted to wish you
a happy holli.....DAY!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Join a project that I think sounds like a step to healing.

Join others who have hurt like you have. Check this out.

I haven't been thorough about it yet, but it is hopeful, and hopefully helpful.

Just like you, and me, being with others who know how we feel. Let me know what you think. Click on the the info below [copied from their site]. Hugs and healing to each of you....from me, looking, seeking, hoping for healing, for acceptance of love, for peace.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Happy Freedom Day!

It is my heartfelt hope that each of you are able to enjoy the freedom that we have in America. I know that many of you read from other countries, and please know that my hope is that you are safe, happy, healthy, and that you have the freedom, today or someday, to do all that you must to heal, to survive, and to have peace in your lives. Thanks for the constant support and love that you show to me. I do appreciate and respect each of you for the time that you spend to lift anothers burdens.
You have certainly done that for me.
Love, mile191

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191