come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

love, mile 191

Okay, so....

I have been putting a lot of thought into a LOT of things lately.
Mainly that while I feel like I am pulling
through some of my depression
I think I am having worse anxiety.
I have only officially once
had an anxiety attack,
and have never had meds.

[I avoid any type of drug due to some of my childhood,

but at times I think I need something....]

We had a family picture done, the kids look beautiful, and we look happy and "normal". I suppose we are, yet when I look at the picture I feel like I am dysfunctional. Not our family, just me.

I don't feel connected.

I think I am so afraid of hurt and pain that I avoid really loving and feeling.

Lately I get so angry, so frustrated,
and I have come really close
to acting on those feelings.

I look at these little children, I have been so blessed, and they are wonderful. Hard at times to raise, but really good kids.

Why do I fall apart so easily???

Some of your writings have really triggered some thoughts in me.

I don't want to say things to my kids that hurt them,
things they will have to spend time getting over as adults.
Yet, I think I do sometimes.

I don't want to hurt my kids,
but I feel my arm raising sometimes,
as if I am about to strike them,
I see the fear in their faces
and then I say something....something
that will let them know just how ANGRY I am,
how frustrated,
and I think....GD....WTF is wrong with me.

I know what is wrong with me.....I am LOSING it!

I really don't want this time to pass. I see what the future brings, and I don't want them to grow up, move away, have struggles of their own, struggles I can't fix and comfort. I want what I have right now. SO WHY can I not be more patient, more calm.

I am trying to unroot what is hurting me inside so that I can get it out of my system and enjoy the childhood that my kids are having.

Their childhood can not fix mine, but not messing up their childhood can make a world of difference today. Today is all I can control....I can not FIX the past.

This is my prayer:

Please give me the patience to listen to them.
Please give me the strength to respond lovingly.
Please give me the courage to control my reactions.
Please give me the hope that I can overcome my own pain,
and not cause theirs.

Please show me that I can.

My reaction is what I am talking about.
They are going to act like kids....I want to react
like the loving and tender mother that I know I can be.

I read some blogs today....I commented...still have a lot to get to, but needed to break and write. As I wrote to someone I wrote: love, mile 191.....and I realized that is exactly what I need to do....I need to LOVE MILE 191. I need to learn to love me. That I am good and I am worth it. I am not broken. I survived. I can do this....I am a good mother. I can be. I hope.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

...yes, an update...

Okay, here goes. I keep thinking that I will have time to wander through your blogs, read, and join you in healing, and I think....I can't keep writing my life and not being there for you. So that is what is holding me back from being here, from updating, I want to come read you all first.

I am so stretched right now. Running and weary. And, yes, I should be keeping my mental and physical health in mind, and not doing so much, so I tell myself, tomorrow...a new day, and I will rest. Tomorrow hasn't come yet...

Here is how it has been going. I have four very busy children, happy for the most part, and their happiness is contagious. It is true that what you surround yourself with influences you and impacts you. So I am spending a lot of time with them. Helping them with homework, cooking meals with them. Running then to soccer practices and games, running my oldest to football and basketball. Picking them up from friends houses, walking home from school with my youngest - something that I have not done in a couple of years, and I am loving being able to do again. I have been letting them have their friends over, and trying to get over everything not being in order first. This is huge for me.

Yet, I am enjoying the moments.

Saying that...I should clarify that maybe I am doing okay because it sounds like I am busy, actively engaged in a good cause. Someone great once said that was the solution to all dreariness. Be actively engaged in a good cause. So, my children are my cause for now, and they are keeping me running.

Me personally, I have some darkness inside. I get really impatient, and snappy from time to time. I am not being too hard on myself. Last night was our date night, frankly I was so tired and onry by the time we were suppose to leave, that we opted out of going out, stayed in. My husband rubbed my feet, we talked a bit, and were both asleep by 9pm. It was probably the best thing for me. I was on the verge of a breakdown, the kind I had last week....sleep was the best thing, and today...I feel a bit better.

I am a little overwhelmed with what is to come, things that I need to be doing, the anxiety of having to run around, phone calls that need to be returned, responsibilities that I have obligated to....the stuff that makes me I am trying to take it one day, one moment at a time.

What I have figured out is that if tomorrow won't come and solve things, I have to change things about today, and it starts with each moment, each minute.

I am going to work on today, and let tomorrow be what it is, when it is.

[thx, Marsha for asking for an update, I really will try to find time to check in on you all, thanks everyone for hanging here with me from time to time. Hope your day is wonderful, or at least that you have some peaceful moments.]

Friday, September 11, 2009

i love you, 9 -- 11, and 3436

In my frustration this morning, frustration that has much more to do with things internally that I am struggling with than the external chaos of raising four children, I lost my patience.The boys...fighting, picking, somewhat of a smirk on their faces, but I wasnt having it. I tried to speak gentle.

I tried to reason. I bluntly asked, Please stop!!! I told them that they have things that are of great importance to them, desires, places and events they enjoy participating in. The only thing that is of importance to me is that we are loving kind and patient with each other. I

begged, please, get along, stop teasing and lets be on our way to school. A few more jabs and kicks later and I found myself on the floor, in my eight year olds face, with fear portraying that I was at the end of my frayed rope. I was done with nice, and moving into the terror zone.

At this point I lost it....I said some things that should never be said...something about how I can't do this anymore. I ask with doesn't sink in. I am ready at this point to take away the things that are meaningful to them, their great important, soccer, television, football, computer games, their very freedom....and with anger I could have choked the life out of the two of them. Harsh, maybe....and DFS could want in on my antics at some point.

My older boy, age 10, comes over to hug me as he sees tears welling up in my eyes....Sweet, you say, yes, maybe, but then why did he have to kick his brother as he stepped over him. Here he is hugging me. Mommy, I love you. I am sorry.....[BUT YOU JUST KICKED YOUR BROTHER AGAIN....seriously.]

I grabbed his shoulders and used all the strength I had in me to express that I could chuck him into a wall right now, but I wont, because it would get him off the hook. ...I would no longer be able to govern his childhood, he could be taken from me for abuse.I walked away. Funny that I walked away, I guess I can take my own advice. The beginning of the argument between the two I told my youngest...JUST WALK AWAY. People can not keep hurting you if you walk away, your back is to them, and it just works, trust me.

So I went to the bathroom and cried it out good. Great, now my make up is destroyed, and my eyes are all puffy again. [again??? I spent at least one night this week in complete and uncontrollable sobbing....] Yeah for me. Now I have class in an hour, errands to finish the Football Jerseys, a Room Mother Coordinator meeting, shopping for soccer supplies, a vet appointment for our kitty who has an infection, terrible infection from a cat bite/fight., etc. etc. You know the drill, you all have your lives to live.

My point here is that once we got in the car, and I noticed that my 10 year olds eyes looked a mirror of mine, I had no sympathy. I continued to rant. About being walked all over, about being a chauffeur, and a maid, and that I felt of no value to my children other than to be the two hands who constantly are open to giving them all they need to succeed. Driving them places, buying their supplies, feeding and cleaning up after them.

My daughter told me she loved me....yes, the daughter who generally says, "I hate you, you are ruining my life." I said, "really.....yeah okay, but those are just words. Actions speak louder than words."We drove in silence....I sat stiff as the kids got out of the car, stiff silence. I told them I would be here to give them their next ride....home from school, to the store for their soccer gear.I vaguely think someone told me they loved me, I didn't respond...just stared straight ahead...mean huh.After dropping my daughter off, her again telling me she loved me. Me broken and unable to even care to respond....I drove away. Be safe, I told her. [Yes, I still care]

On the way to school for myself this morning I was listening to NPR...a story from story core about some of the victims of 9-11. Yes, today is 9-11, a day to remember, to be more calm, to be more patient.....and I destroyed it. I was the terrorist in our home.The story was told by a father who had two sons who became victims of 9-11. Both grew up with their father and grandfather as firefighters. One became a police officer, one a firefighter. The firefighter had the honor of being assigned his Grandfathers badge number, 3436.

On that dreadful day, both of the sons had called their dad, to check in as they always did. The conversations were simple, "How are you? Take care today. I love you."That was the last he heard from those two boys as their lives were taken that day from the attack on the Twin Towers.

The father expressed that he has comfort in knowing that the last words that he told his children were "I love you", and the last he heard from them was, "I love you".

Those words make him sleep at night.

He has not regrets.

Ironically his boys were 34 and 36, the number of his fathers firefighter badge, 3436.

Today, I have many regrets. I think I heard my kids say, I love you. I didn't respond. I was too wadded up, tears on the surface and falling apart....I just let them run off, the tears off my cheeks, the kids off to school.Kids are resilient, yet a mothers love is critical for their healthy growth. I failed them today. I failed me.I love you.

My kids should know that, they are not just words. Yes, they are actions, but every human being needs to hear them. I regret my actions today.

Don't let a day, a moment pass without telling your kids you love them. Live, no regrets.I love you, my beautiful kids. I am sorry. Please be patient with me. I am learning the hard way.....I hope that I wont have to regret not telling them today that I love them.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

"No point in fighting it"

Sometimes the weariness sets in. Life is what it is.

Some days worse, others better than most.

I think I am learning patience right now. ...patience with myself.

I am weary. My grandpa said about weariness, "No point in fighting it."
We talked this morning about allowing it to teach us something new.

I cried my eyes out last night. Couldn't even talk, so weary.

I thought that I was doing better, but the demands of life, of raising children, of running around, of typical family worries has worn me down.

But this is good. I know that I am doing better. I was feeling strength, and confidence right before this hit, so this temporary feeling of dreary weary will pass.

My typical day is to get the kids to school and head to school myself. I got a scholarship for this year so I have to take one more class than I was use to taking. My kids are in sports, two in soccer, one in football, and the little one will either be starting golf or flag football in a months time. My daughter is in the school play, that part is easy for me, I just pick her up an hour and a half later. My oldest who is in football is also conditioning for Basketball twice a week. His day starts at 5 am. I usually don't make it awake until he is about the leave the house. This makes me feel a little bad because he should have his mom in the mornings but I am no good at mornings. He is very independent about getting up, making his breakfast and a sack lunch, and walking to school. It is a goal of mine to get to bed a little earlier so that I can sit with him in the kitchen while he eats. I know that this time is precious and will far to quickly pass. I don't want to regret anything.

Then there is helping them with homework and running them to sports, scouts for the two boys, Young Women activities for my daugher, Young Men's for my son. And throw all the Back to School Night activities with three seperate school systems in. Making cookies for after school snacks, banana bread, because the bananas are always going bad, making lunches for the next day, dinner, dishes, vacuming, laundry....
does this all sound familiar to so many of you???

My older two have teenage theatrics, friends coming and going, constant needs of this and that. Why do they have to have so much?????? [I am not talking clothes, shoes, make up, food...I am talking about "my teacher said I need to get this, or that, or have to find this exact book by tomorrow....ARGGGGHHHHHH....every teacher acts like they have only ONE class required to fulfill assignments for]. I know it is good for their training, the real world, but do they forget that when they are asking this on every student that a lot of these students have siblings.

Besides my three professors, I have to meet the needs of 8 more for my Son, 8 more for my daughter, and two for my younger boys. My youngest only got half his homework done last week and no reading. How did that happen????? I have older kids. This little child doesn't even get half the time he needs from me.

Yet, my two little boys are doing great. I think they are used to their older siblings taking so much of my time. The boys just have homework, keeping their room clean, and one sport each. A little running for them.

Saturdays are crazy with three having games. I don't know how that will go, this Saturday will be our first. My husband works every other Saturday so it will be hard on me to pick whose games when they overlap. I have always been to all their games.

I am the room mother for my youngest sons class. He is in Third Grade, and this is really the last year of room mothering that I will get, so no regrets. I will get to plan the parties, and teacher appreciation. I have done it for each of my kids, and this little one needs me for that right now.

I am in my ward Relief Society Presidency, over teaching each week. This responsibility has been really kind to me. I have a great deal of worry for the Women in our church. They have so much going on, and so many unique circumstances, they are always on my mind, and I am always trying to find the best things and ways to teach that will be uplifting to them. I taught last week on the Spirit of Despondency. This was hard for me, as I feel so much that I am suffering a great deal from this right now. Maybe I will post my lesson here sometime.

A quote from my lesson is following:

"Be not discouraged...neither allow the spirit of despondency to come into thy life, for these are tricks of the evil one to destroy thy faith and usefulness.
But look upon the bright side of life, to be cheerful, humble, prayerful, and pure in thy devotion and habits and the Lord will remember thee in mercy.
Therefore look unto the Lord in humility and thou shalt be comforted in the answer to thy prayers and be guided in the path of duty day and night." [Hyrum Smith]

I find it really interesting that as I taught this I would be so discouraged this week, so despondent, and so weary. I am feeling that this is destroying my usefulness for sure. I have gotten little done, and spent much time wasted. Not wasted on my kids, but weary and procrastinating things that if I would get them done I would not be feeling so much pressures right now.

I have had many wonderful conversations with my brother. The worry that I was feeling about him finding me has subsided and I am thrilled to have him communicating with me. He is as I always remembered, wonderful and very supportive and loving. I look forward to the strength we can offer one another.

He listened to my whoa's and gave me wonderful advice: Don't be so hard on yourself. ....and he is right. Being a mother to four, [two of them teenagers], a wife, in school full time, serving in my church, tending to family and neighbors needs, a sister, friend, survivor of many things....I do a great deal, and should be able to breath from time to time. I think I remembered that during my sobbing last night, I just need to breath. I was suffocating, feeling anxiety setting in....and then I remembered to breathe. In time I was relaxed enough to sleep.

I didn't have the strength to talk to my husband about how I was feeling. Do you know that feeling? When you are crying so hard that you absolutely can not speak? That is how I was. Today, he deserves an explaination. Much of what I was feeling will be resolved, but I can thank him for his care, for loving me...even when my face is melting away and my eyes are swollen shut.

Thanks, each of you, for checking in. I have very little time until I get my homework caught up. I will find some time afterwards to stop by. I do care about how you are all doing, thank you for stopping by, and checking on me. I find great strength in your kindness. Love you. ♥ [pheewwww, Marsha, are you glad you asked how I am doing??? ♥ Thank you for asking, I needed to write, so cathartic.]

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

who am i today?

Excellent question. I love this interactive journaling.

Where else can I write my most immediate and intimate thoughts and feelings, and hear something better than the voices in my head.... confirming, questioning, supporting, pushing and elevating me to a better level than I am choosing to squall at.

It is here, in my closet. Thank you.

The tremendous support that you all give me and each other is really the most innovative healing process there is out there.

All the therapy in the world couldn't do for me what you each do.

I open my email, and there you are, whispering, questioning, healing me.

I think the most amazing thing is that each of you tell me that I have the strength, the power, the ability to be a better version of me than I am giving myself credit for. WOW. You make me realize that my potential is enough, and that I can do this. I am a survivor. Not a victim.

So, who am i today? Well, I am thinking about that. And by weeks end, I hope to define who I feel I am....

But for now, update: I have been writing email notes to my brother. Mostly asking him questions, answering a few. I have to tell you that my fear is subsiding a lot. And this may very well be the next level of my healing. I believe that I am undoing the fears that I have, I sense them unraveling before my eyes. I am not as afraid.

I think that in time....well, who knows what will come of it. I am just taking it one step, one moment at a time.

The past is the past.

"Worry not for the future,
the present is all thou hast,
the Future will soon be present,
the present will soon be past."

And, as far as depression, hmmmmm.
despondency, hopelessness, lack of courage, overwhelmed, grieved.
I could use all those expressions to define me,

at times,

...what am I doing about it....

Just this:

One day at a time,
One drawer at a time,
One closet at a time,
One step at a time,

One prayer at a time.

One hope.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191