come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A Beautiful Challenge...

Parenting is such a Beautiful Challenge.
Last night I wrote that line in my journal
...through my tears.

Why is it always
when you think you have mastered
one step of a process
that you fall down 15?

I have great pain this morning, yet greater Faith....and hope, that I can pull myself, my son ....through this challenge.

This Beautiful Challenge
that I have hope will bring us to a closer relationship.

My husband asked me why???
Why is it that my son and I hit heads so much.

Honestly I don't want to admit it because there are so many other wonderful parts of our Mother and Son relationship that I can focus on. The GOOD stuff.

But he is right, there is something amiss. What is it?

I wonder because I am at that crossroads in my I become the parent that I want to be, or do I fall into the temptation to be less. It is so easy to let things slide, to take the easy route....and think somehow it will work itself out.

I am a very firm parent. I do expect respect and responsibilities to be fulfilled. I have been blessed with fairly easy children, some have said I have raised them to be wonderful children.
It's nice to hear, I believe it?

I believe they are good:
[I'm just not sure I believe it is because of me.]

They all help out, they don't completely terrorize one another.
They listen to me and do what they are asked, for the most part...

The giggle, they laugh, they play, they hug....they smile!

..and then there are the bad days.
The days when conflict is on the horizon
and I am at light speed heading into it.

I don't get it.

But I can not just allow some things to happen.

Last night, in my adamant expectation that No means NO! ...and Put your seatbelt on means PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON....and Stop teasing....means STOP TEASING.... things fell apart....

And today...I am not sure what it will take to put the broken pieces back together.

After some time listening to his perspective, yet not backing down on mine we had to agree to disagree.

The conflict was simple.

I finally took his phone away, last resort discipline....either listen to me, do what I have asked or I have to start taking things that mean I mean business. ---Cell phone....then Ipod....[he is a teenager....] ..and these are the distractions that conflict with communication. We needed to talk about the events of the evening. Tell me why? I asked him....

He removed his seatbelt in if to tell me that NO he was his own person and he would do what he wanted. And he DIDN"T want to talk about it.

I pulled over, asked politely, asked firmly....He responded with
"No, it is my choice and I wont put it on."

After some persuasive discussion and patient silence he put it on.

I pulled away and he said under his breath
"I would rather walk home."

[he is wishing now that I had not heard it at all,
and me wishing now I had just ignored it.....]

In fact, he is regretting it so much that he is sticking to his guns that he DIDN"T say it.

I pulled over. I said, "Go ahead, Get out!"

He is wearing shorts, a short sleeve shirt, is recovering from flu, and has no phone at this point.

I said, "Get out. Go ahead and walk home." [the walk is about 7 miles, there is snow on the ground....]

WHAT AM I THINKING....I am the parent here.
All my senses tell me that this is not right to do. Not the healthy safe RIGHT thing to do!

He says, "Out of respect for you I will get out if that is what you want."

I said, "You made your decision. Get out."

He got out. I drove away.

Tears streaming down my face, I drove away....

About two blocks I pulled off, waiting for him to catch up, hoping he would realize that he is very loved and very much cared for and that this silliness of teasing has consequences of feeling alone and frustration that is not worth it. ....he doesn't walk by.

I sit there in tears, praying for him, wishing, and knowing that I have to go for him. Of COURSE I am going back for him.

I drove back....things happened, he had gone back to the building we had been in and was inside, had used the land phone to call someone for a ride.

He is pretty brilliant and also very capable of working out tough situations. YEAH....really a great resourceful kid!

Today, my sadness comes because of how he felt when I left.
My devastation comes because I did to him what my mom did to me.

I left.

He felt abandoned, if even for a few minutes. Minutes...moments, that feel like a lifetime.

He can't understand why I would leave....truthfully I can not understand why I would leave either.

Words were spoken. Mostly me expressing love for him and that I want what is best for him. I expect him to have trials and frustrations, and even that he will be defiant from time to time, and I only want him to learn from his experiences....

But last night. To see him so broken, knowing how that brokenness feels. Knowing the pain of having your mother leave you....

[Yes, mine was for years
complete neglect
and selfishness,

but still...]

I left him. And he couldn't believe I drove away.
He felt abandoned.

He could not understand how I could love him and do that.

I tried to tell him that it is because I love him, that I am willing to do and say hard things, to help him grow, to help him learn....but this, the devistation of this only relief will come in true forgiveness, truely between us, that he will be able to forgive me.


I am keeping in mind that I can not project my pain....or rather, SHOULD NOT project my pain and experience into this.
---the circumstances are so totally different.

But when he said he didn't want to talk to me about it because it is like talking to the person who just purposely ran over you with a car.....I couldn't help but feel my heart being ripped out of my chest.


Did I really just do unto him the pain that I have been through?

Will he heal from this,
or will he never forget,
and always remember it.

Will he doubt my endearing love
and peading hope that I have for him?

Yes, Parenting is a Beautiful Challenge.

"God did not put us here to fail,"
Elder Jon M. Huntsman Sr.....

...but to work, and have integrity, and sacrifice, and determination....belief in ourselves, belief and hope and faith...
And his Grace is sufficient for All. ♥

I will not fail him,
I will not fail me.

---is my prayer, Mile 191

Thursday, November 19, 2009

"Darkness to Light" - My Healing Journey Anniversary

Ironic that today is

I sat down to write this morning through many many tears. Last night was really rough for me. Nothing like being pointed out that you are a psycho falling apart hopeless irrational broken to bits mess.
No worries....I was telling myself that.
It wasn't anyone in my was my
DARK inner BROKEN child.

It was suppose to be Date Night and after one simple incident I was a mess and saying things that were irrational [yet made perfect sense to me]....then came the falling apart tears...[as I hid in the bathroom suffocated by them] the hopeLESSness set in. I found myself frantic to pick up the broken bits of my soul, yet completely unable and went off to bed.

I don't know if it was seeing his name on a chalkboard in my classroom yesterday. I just kept staring at it WISHING i had the strength to take a SHARPIE marker and scribble it out permanently.

In my pain I destroyed my husbands heart. All he wanted was to take me to a movie....then he just wanted me to talk to him. He kept asking all the right questions.... Which made me more emotional and psychotic. I felt I would stop breathing any moment.

How can someones kindness be so hard to suffer?

I don't get it.

Why does Child Abuse
have to have such terrible side effects?

I can't keep faking the pain away.
The smile painted on my face.
My rushing around trying to cover the fact that I am falling apart.....

I came here, to my closet, to discover to ponder what and where and when I am headed....

As I was putting thoughts together this morning I took a little walk among some of your blogs. I try to go between my commenter's, my followers, and my blog roll [which has not been updated for ....MONTHS -- If you are not on there please tell me. I generally stop by those who comment here faithfully but would LOVE to come more often. Just tell me and I will add you].

I am sad to say today I found some blogs that I have never read. Thank you for reading me...

As life takes the reigns of my time I seem to be able to blog browse less and less.

I suppose that is a good thing....but I sure miss the healing and growing
as I read and ponder each of your journeys

...the HEALING that we are all seeking here.

Blog names....I am wondering how they are chosen.

I know that there is a simpleness behind mine.

I woke up a year ago TUESDAY [11/17/08]!

Or maybe it was that I was unable to go to sleep the Monday before....I had emotional, mental, physical, spiritual pain and thoughts flooding my mind.

I felt like I was suffocating. I had to get out the nightmare I was feeling and living with, and the words that inspired the name of my blog came flooding with my tears.

come into my closet
was born and a journey of healing began.

From there I wrote about being Mile 191...
..about being at my MILE 191 in life.

Mile 191: This time of year is terribly difficult for me. I see my foster family in such pain. It was MILE 191 where my foster mother died. She drove to that Mile in her favorite canyon. She was headed home to her Mother. She was sad. There had been a fight. She took too many pills this time. At the cave she slipped and hit her head on a rock and passed away. Right there in the cold, with the snow coming down. hER jOURNEY eNDED. Her pain was done, and ours began. Pain without a mother.

Over the years I have seen the trauma that this has caused her daughters, her son, her husband. The pain I have felt. I know that NO MATTER how hard being a mother is, no matter the fights, the frustrations, the thinking they would be better off without me THAT IT IS NOT TRUE. People are never better off when their loved ones go away forever.

When I began this journey, this healing, I began with hope that facing my MILE 191 would prevent tragedy in my life, and in the lives of those I love.

I continued by describing the Journey to Hope that I was embarking upon. I am still on that journey. I feel that I have come a long LONG way, and parts of this journey are harder now than they were when I began.

It seems that by opening up the wound we find that there is a great deal more to healing than just getting it out in the open. So many things come up....and that is what I have been writing about ever since.

Today as I wandered I stopped by Darkness to Light.
I haven't spent as much time there as I would like yet, but I am always grateful when there are organizations out there standing for children, and adult abused children, doing all they can to prevent Child Abuse. Thank you.

I enjoyed the inspiring post by dreamdancer. I was inspired by her courage and hope to free from the past and make the reality today into her dreams for tomorrow. Her
submissiveness to Gods will, to allow the instruction of today to strengthen and restore healing. Beautiful Post.

I sadly came across LKG4BTRLIF. Her post about her past being thrown in her face is touching to me. I have been there. I have felt her pain, the graphically described experiences she has had and the scars emotionally and mentally left behind. I felt such compassion for all she is going through right now. Big Safe HUGS to her, and hope that she will continue writing and healing.

Lovely Just Be Real says it like it is and was a wonderful stop along my way.
Her simple expression that we do NOT have to carry the weight and burden and sorrow of our abuse alone, that we have a Savior. Oh how I do hope that I will learn how to more fully rely upon Him.
I know He is there. I wish I could be more submissive and more fully be healed.

It is always a healing experience to read
Today I read about Darkness....about Light....about recovery being a choice to turn toward the Light. It all began to fall into place for me right there. Her words engraving upon my heart. She talked about the her wolf...what her recovery is ....and how she no longer feels it eating her very soul. I want that. I have HOPE that I will get to that point. Again I read that God is the LIGHT. Dependence on Him is Healing. God's Grace....oh how I wish to find my way there. Hope, Thank you Thank you!

And then I was back where I started. With Marj aka Thriver. Who is hosting today's Blog Carnival in celebration of World...Prevention of Child Abuse. Thank you Marj. --- So many of us have been blessed by your pen.

Marj influences healing and promotes UniTy iN SurVivOrS. She brings us together and shows us that we are not alone.

I look forward today. What is past is past. I will continue to write....because what tomorrow brings will be the next chapter in my healing. I am no longer a victim of abuse. I am a SURVIVOR.
We are all SURVIVORS!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Assignment from Hell?: her REGRET

I am currently taking a Marriage and Family course. I find myself struggling with some of the course material and we are getting into the issues of parenting, childhood; with abuse and neglect issues right around the corner.

The questions are loaded with meaning and as I write responses I find myself in conflict with what I
want to write and what I find myself able to write. Sometimes the assignments rip my heart, yet again, to pieces. I want to write something simple, easy and without really scratching my own surface...what I find is that I am writing more...

What I am finding
is that in the opening
of wounds I can heal them.

The Question:

Based on your life experiences, what makes a good parent? What makes a bad parent? Does your definition of what makes a good or bad parent change depending on the age of the child? Should our parenting styles or techniques change as our children get older or should they stay the same? Explain. In your family of orientation, what child-rearing attitudes (authoritarian, permissive, or authoritative) predominated? What impact did your parents child-rearing attitudes have on you? Interview either one or both of your parents. If you do not have access to your parents, interview the parents of a close friend or relative. Ask them to describe their greatest joys and challenges as a parent. If they had to do it again, what would they do differently? What would they do the same?

My response:

Looking to this assignment with trepidation I have finally emotionally and with great perspective completed the task at hand. Beginning with the "based on... life experience" I have come to some conclusions as to what I feel makes a good parent. Going into this assignment I had really strong affirmation as to what makes a BAD parent, both of my parents fell under that category.

What I discovered is that even as I make mistakes I am doing my best, ...better than that, I believe I am a GOOD parent!!!

Based on your life experiences, what makes a good parent? What makes a bad parent?
Beginning with the bad. Being selfish is the number one quality that I believe contributes to bad parenting.

I think that when you choose to become a parent that you have a crucial role in another persons life and well being and that you can not longer BE SELFISH.

Having perspective I realize that I make many wise decisions to put myself first and I do not see the negative effects on my children in stated appropriate cases because there is a GREAT difference between tending to ones self and being selfish.

My philosophy and perspective is this:

I have come to make decisions based on whether my need can be a positive thing for my children, needs like tending to ones self so that positive parenting is the outcome rather than negative parenting.

There is GREAT difference between this and being SELFISH.

Thus I do believe that
one's self must be attended to
in order to be
a positive parent.

The selfish that I allude to as negative is that of spending money and time for selfish desires. These negative desires include but are not limited to: alcohol, pornography, drugs, abusing for self satisfaction, indulgence in fast food, avoiding responsibility by reading novels/sewing/computer time/[
fill in the blank]... shopping, and anything obsessively allotted.

Selfishly choosing previously mentioned obsessions and addictions over spending money on groceries, health care, clothing and shelter, or paying school fees:... and time management that does not contribute to a safe and healthy environment of love and attention to a child's well-being absolutely has a negative impact; as was the case for me growing up.

This negative effect stays with a child and seems to create effects that are long term in adult children.

These effects include but are not limited to insecurity, post-traumatic stress, cycle of addictive behavior, feeling unloved, feelings of inadequacy, inability to function as an adult, irrational response and behaviors, never feeling nurtured, not allowing others to love you, mental emotional disorders, dysfunction, and often repeating the abuse that you suffered as a child.


I overlook this in many regards because I am so focused on what I am doing wrong, [part of thus stated INSECURITY].

What would I have wanted,
what kind of parent do I desire to be?

I desire to be the kind of parent who listens to my children. Who is firm in BELIEFS and in NURTURING. Whose children go to bed with FULL BELLIES, with WARM blankets, CLEAN pajamas and teeth. Whose child has GOOD HEALTH CARE and SHELTER.

Whose children are HUGGED, and TOLD that they are LOVED, whose children KNOW that their parents are going to stand on the sidelines cheering them on.

Whose child knows they have great value and worth and that they are LOVED beyond any human understanding. Which children understand FORGIVENESS and PATIENCE and RESPONSIBILITY and COMPASSION and INDIVIDUAL WORTH, because they have had these things abundantly all their lives.

Does your definition of what makes a good or bad parent change depending on the age of the child?
I do not think that my definition of bad parenting is different based on the child's age. I think that a selfish parent has different effects at different ages because children have different needs and demands at different stages.

Parents who are selfish have difficulty meeting those diverse needs. Parents who are selfish don't recognize the negative effects on their child, they are completely lost and blinded by their selfishness.

The definition of a good parent, on the other hand, can have different meanings. I believe that children need many of the previously noted qualities in their lives. To what degree each is offered is individual to the relationship between the parent and the child.

In my lacking of many of these qualities I find that some are much more important to me than others. My children, on the other hand, who have been blessed with these in abundance, would pick some to be more important than others. Again, because their childhood is the only experience they are going to have, they are going to be much more secure than I can ever imagine, and their needs are unique to what they have experienced.
Should our parenting styles or techniques change as our children get older or should they stay the same? Explain.
Parenting styles must change as children get older. Rules and definitions of abilities change based on what is in the best interest of the child. That can be hard when you have children of all ages because to a child they don't feel like things are fair when the rules are different. I always explain that you are right, the rules are different because of your different needs. If your needs were the same as your younger/older sibling than the rules for you would be the same.

Usually a child can make sense of this particularly when you state that a 15 year old should then have the same bedtime as an 8 year old if the rules were to always be the same. And an 8 year old does not want to have the same chores or hours of homework as their 15 year old sibling.

Children can understand with confidence in their parents when communication is open, often and effective.

Therefore parenting techniques and styles have to change to meet the needs of the child and the parent based on age and stages of life.

In your family of orientation, what child-rearing attitudes (authoritarian, permissive, or authoritative) predominated?

For my childhood I could not really put the parenting into one category. Without getting too personal here there was absolutely no consistency:

it varied between neglect and beatings.

Interview either one or both of your parents. If you do not have access to your parents, interview the parents of a close friend or relative.
I spoke to my mother briefly about her parenting once and have chosen to not open the can of worms again for this assignment.
I had a dead-beat dad, who has become an in and out grandparent, and thus can not or rather, choose not, to open that can either.
My step-father should be removed from the universe and I prefer to not attempt a conversation with him.

My mother, in our brief conversation stated that she had a lot of regrets.
I have a great deal of scars emotionally when it comes to her regrets;
I am one of them
. I am her regret.

At this point I must say that I am indebted to foster parents who took a late teen and loved her to a point of being secure enough to marry and desire to have a family of her own.

In third person,
I see this girl
and have a great compassion
and appreciation
for what a bit of love
can do for a child
who has withered away in abuse.

If you do not have access to your parents, interview the parents of a close friend or relative. Ask them to describe their greatest joys and challenges as a parent. If they had to do it again, what would they do differently? What would they do the same?

I remember many conversations with one of my Aunt's based on the assignments criteria and she stated that she had regrets, or rather she looked back and could see where she could have done things differently. However, she felt that her children were her priority in life that she had done everything to her best ability in those moments.

Her greatest joys were seeing her children raised healthy and happy and that they each have chosen marriage and to begin families of their own. She sees this as truth in her accomplishments being successful. Her greatest sorrow was that as an aunt she knew things were not right for us, her nieces and nephews, and that she had not done enough to help us during our time of need.

Her compassion and ability to move forward proves that while I make many mistakes as a parent that my children and I can overcome with resilience founded in LOVE and that in the end we will all be greater human beings.

What impact did your parents child-rearing attitudes have on you?
Every child deserves a childhood,
as Richard Paul Evans states based on his charity

The Christmas Box International,
a home for abused and neglected children.

I had one, and wished that I hadn't.
...or at least had not had the neglect and abuse in mine...

Now I look back and see that I can grow with hope and faith and grace and that all will be well as I continue to desire to heal.

What I can do with this experience is to be a different parent than my parents were and I try everyday to keep that in mind. Being a parent and healing from a tragic childhood is one of the hardest things that any person could possibly take on.

I am doing my best everyday to keep my childrens childhood in mind and keep their best interest at heart, I have hope my best is good enough and I believe that I am a GOOD parent.


Sunday, November 8, 2009

pain is painful

"mamma please stop crying,
i can't stand the sound,
your pain is painful and
it's tearing me down"

...i told dad you didn't mean
those nasty things you said...

this is my shelter....

growing up in
world war three...."


hurting...when will it go away?

my little boy prayed a week ago:

"Please help me to work hard
and work fast
so that I can have all my recesses."

i promised myself that I would ALWAYS remember this prayer,
and NEVER forget it.

it made such sense to me. he didn't ask God to do his work for him and just give him the blessing of all his recesses. he asked God to help him to WORK HARD and to WORK that he could have his recesses.

he asked God to help him and he told God why....he wanted to have his recesses, ALL of them, and in his expression of FaiTh he stated help ME TO WORK....

a willingness to HARD and work FAST....

His words really got me to thinking...

How willing am I to work HARD and work FAST so that I get all my recesses in life. Seriously how many of us think about asking for the strength, the help to WORK!!! I think too many times we are so busy just asking for blessings to happen for us. We want things to just happen.

Nothing happens by chance. Nothing worthwhile anyhow. We work, and while we are working, anxiously engaged in good causes, we find our peace, our happiness, our strength, our HEALING....our recesses.

With all the thoughts I have been having lately...pondering my own process of healing, of overcoming fears, and letting go of my painful past.... i realize that until i anxiously engage myself in the WORK of healing, of honestly opening myself, letting the dam flood, that i am holding back on the blessing of RECESS in my life.

The definition of Recess is:
a temporary withdrawal from
or halting from work....

the key word here is temporary

While looking up the definition of Recess I came across the definition of Recover. I have often said that I am in recovery. But I don't remember if I have ever really pondered Recovery.

To Recover means to get back something that was lost or stolen. This felt so good to me to think that I could get back what was stolen from me. My childhood, my sense of peace, of being whole, healthy mentally and emotionally, and physically.

I then looked up the definition of WORK:
physical or mental effort exerted to do or make something.

I find myself in a reflection of my past, present, and future here.

I have to work out my past, here in the present, so that in the future I can take pleasure in my recesses, with hope, healing and a feeling of wellness, of being whole, of Recovery.

I want to stop crying, to stop aching, to stop fretting about everything all of the time.

I desire to find a place for the pain that is so painful,
and take a recess from it, I want recovery.

I have the understanding that the pain will not just "go away",
but if I am willing to WORK....

I pray for help to WORK HARD, to WORK FAST,
so that I may fully understand
and enjoy the blessing of Recess.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

if i were strong enough

if i were strong enough to say it...

i would talk about the pain in my head and heart.

i would have told Mr. B that i was hurting last night because some of the things we were talking about triggered memories that i wanted to NEVER remember and ALWAYS forget,

memories that haunt me often and leave me lonely.

i would tell him the details of the abuse that i have never wanted to talk about. i would tell him hoping that he would be able to filter through them, understand my inner turmoil, and then let it go with the flow of tears that picking the scab of my abusive childhood would bring.

i would scream and cry, and curl up as a little child and be comforted by his tenderness, comforted in a way that i have always wished for, always needed, and never had.

never had but always given.

never had
because i have never allowed anyone
to hold and comfort me.

i would tell him that i am sorry that i push him away, that i am sorry that i push everyone away when they come close to breaking my dam of tears, fears and emotion.

i would tell him how jealous i am that my children have a loving mother and a loving father. i would tell him how much i hate being jealous of them. i would scream that it is not their fault, they don't deserve my frustration and my anger and my sadness in seeing them grow up with security and peace.

i would tell him that i hate not talking about my childhood,
but i hate the thought of talking about it.

i would tell him that i fear that i will end up lonely because i haven't been able to overcome the past and i seem to be pushing everyone close to me away.

i would tell him i notice that people avoid me.

i would tell him that i seen the pain of my childhood reflected in the way that others look at me, the way that others interact with me.

i can see the pain
in my own
children's confusion,
i would tell him.

i would tell him i notice that i am not the strong person that i pretend to be, and that i don't need him to keep pretending for me.

if i were strong enough

Friday, November 6, 2009

i fear

i fear that i will never be able to kiss my husband with my eyes closed

i fear that i will never be able to share the things that are on my mind and in my heart

i fear that sharing will make me more vulnerable

i fear that i will stop breathing from the pain

i fear that i will never know who i could have been without the abuse

i fear that i will never know who i am because of the abuse

i fear that i will never recognize the strength everyone seems to see in me

i fear that i will drown in my own flood of tears

i fear that i will ruin my babies because i am so sad, so scared, so destroyed, so BROKEN

come into my closet...

come into my closet,
come under my bed,
where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past,
now, where do i start,
making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'll be dammed

ups and downs: we all have them

had a down last night

this morning i woke up and tried to snuggle into hubby.
he was cautious. i don't blame him.
last night was ...interesting.

all was well. date night. we stayed in. talking and laughing together and then came time for bed.

i guess sometimes memories just strike quick and tempered.

like a fire in dry conditions

memories can destroy what has taken years, decades;
centuries of beauty gone in an instant

what happened?

i suppose that it started with the flashback a couple weeks ago, triggered memories that seem so suffocating,

yet memories which fire blazes destructively wiping out years of healing in an instant

i read something today, something that sparked a thought,

a healing thought.

it was a story that i had read months ago and meant nothing to me then.

i picked it up today and began to read. i almost put it down remembering that i had read it before, but something inclined me to read it again.

i am so glad i did.

the Neeches River in east Texas was one of the most beautiful places of lush dense forest and river. an ecosystem rare and magical, with beauty, animals, peace and tranquility.

there came a time when the plan to dam the river was put into action,

a dam that would destroy the freedom of the river and the animals. a dam that would certainly suffocate the lives of many plants, animals, and people who had found peace there.

a girl and her father decided to do something about it. she prayed: "Lord, this river is a precious part of your creation
and deserves to be saved."

i stopped reading here.

i had an epiphany, a thought so strong in my mind and heart that it could have been said by someone standing directly beside me, holding my hand, cupping my face...

i felt the tears as this thought came to me:

tears were stinging my eyes, threatening to loosen the dam that has been holding back the flow of my free emotion.

i began to realize something.
there is a beauty inside of me
that is flooded right now.

i have dammed up so much of my past, my emotion, my mental stability is suffocated by the dam of tears and the dam of holding back and holding in so much of my past.

if only i could release the dam, break it into bits and allow the tears to freely flow from within me...

maybe, just maybe my ecosystem could rebuild itself, maybe there was a chance that the beauty that is within me could flourish and maybe I would find that there are signs of life, of survival within me, life and survival just waiting for me to let down the dam of tears.

i am constantly holding back emotion, holding back information, and flashbacks, and memories.

i don't want to burden my husband with the things that are suffocating me.

i don't want to say out loud the ugly thoughts and feelings that i am having.

so i dam them up inside of me, and walk around tense, all the while doing all that i can to hold up the dam has leaks, feels like it is bursting and near to explosion,

and what i fear is that if i let it down i wont recover.

i fear that the damage is done and that the signs of life are irreparable, that my ecosystem doesn't stand a chance of recovery, of healing.

so i hold it all in, i hold back, the dam seems permanent to my existence.

i wonder what beauty i would find if i were able to let it loose?

Monday, November 2, 2009

What I learned from a RAT!

My daughter is home today from an injury after accidentally stabbing herself with a pencil yesterday which broke off inside her hand. No worries, she is okay, just nursing her wound with a little help from me.

I am home today nursing other wounds.
Wounds that are internal
and which wounds I normally try to hide.

In the course of me nurturing her, she nurtures me today.

I asked her today if I am all the mother that she could want. I wanted an honest answer. I have been picking myself apart my whole life, why not let someone else do it for a change.

She was honest with me, thankfully, and didn't give me the Sunday School answers that I am perfectly perfect in every way and that she could not want for a better mother.

No, she told me the truth, how she really feels, and I am better for it.

She was watching Ratatouille.

Armed with half a Bacon Cheeseburger each and Sweet Potato fries we watched the final moments of the movie, and pondering her sweet answer I listened to the food critics response to the meal he had been served by the RAT:

~ In many ways, the work of a critic is easy.
We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment.

We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read.
But the bitter truth we critics must face is that,
in the grand scheme of things,
the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so.

But there are times when a critic truly risks something,
and that is in the discovery and defense of the new.

The world is often unkind to new talents — new creations.

The new needs friends.

Last night,
I experienced something new,
an extraordinary meal from
a singularly unexpected source.

To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking is a gross understatement.

They have rocked me to my core.

In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto: Anyone can cook.

But I realize only now do I truly understand what he meant.
Not everyone can become a great artist,
but a great artist can come from anywhere.

It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's, who is, in this critic's opinion,
nothing less than the finest chef in France.

I will be returning to Gusteau's soon, hungry for more.~

I have
offer up my work and myself to her judgment. I opened myself up in this way because who can be a better critic than one who is at the core of my work.

My darling daughter, a daughter who I hope will grow up to blossom all the love and light and talent that she has been blessed to have.

A daughter who I hope will take all she has seen in me and learned from me and make more.

Who I hope through her life's experiences will come to forgive me for my shortcomings and who will forgive herself when she experiences them too.

Now hearing this next piece made me smile:
the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so... May I be lucky to be such an average piece of junk in someones world, and may I do all that I am meant to in my own.

The exciting part comes next....
a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new ahhhh, the discovery....

The world is so unkind, and we can often find the extraordinary in the unexpected.

It is always in the things that I least want to happen that I have the most blessings.

It is never fun to hear that you are not coming across the way that your heart believes you are. That others don't see you the way that you think they will. The mistakes of misunderstanding. We all suffer this. There is no possible way another person can know the true intent of my heart, because what ever they are experiencing, where ever they are coming from they will see me with their own tainted view.

Discovery and defense....Even as I discover myself I find that others are discovering an entirely different person than I believe myself to be. The natural defense is to weep, to mourn or grieve the criticism. But...

To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking is a gross understatement.

...what if, ...what if we really tried to see one another for the person they are within??? what if we offered to see them in their refinement....

What if we challenge our preconceptions.....Our Maker has such a divine and individual plan for every one of us. He makes no mistakes. You, me, everyone you meet.

Hard concept to grasp, but yes, He makes no mistakes.

I think of this and judgement of others makes me question this truth, and when I question it I become a harsher judge of myself.

[arggghhhh... the thoughts....I think right now I have a bit too much salt in my meal, and the only solution is to cry it out...]

and then...

I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere.

It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's, who is, in this critic's opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France

We are no less than perfectly refined by our humble origins....we are made into the finest and find that OUR PERSONAL greatness comes from out of the junk.

So, for me my own personal junkyard, I am discovering something wonderful about me. I am letting down my defense, and allowing my imagination to wander. What will I become??? Who knows, but I am sure it will be nothing less than the finest!!!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191