come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Been thinking...


"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."

- Elie Wiesel

Saturday, January 9, 2010

it's the climb

i just got home from a long drive. thank you each for your sweet tender and supportive comments on my behalf regarding my pain and grieving. last night i went to bed weeping, but hoping that i could sleep and with the rest that i would awaken with renewed strength. this morning i woke feeling at least rested.

after a peaceful refreshing shower i knelt to pray and found myself passing along a happy birthday to my grandmother. i wanted to blow candles out for her and make a wish, and it seemed in my mind that i knew exactly what she would wish for. i gathered the children and we did just that. i sang with them..."happy birthday dear grandma" and as i felt the tears wetting my cheeks i listened to my cheerful children finish the song. they seemed delighted at the idea that they could blow out a candle and make a wish on someone elses birthday. a bonus for sure!!!

my wish i can not tell, but it wasn't for me. it was for my grandpa, for my aunts, and my uncle, my mom, my cousins, my siblings, my children.

then as i drove my son up the canyon for a day of skiing i enjoyed listening to his chatter with friends, they are so full of love and life and hope and laughter. miley cyrus' song the climb came on the radio. [pretty sure i posted this song before. i have an appreciation for all it says]

for sure i thought i would have to change the station because i was driving 15 year old boys...hanah montana would be a downer for sure, my surprise one of the boys started talking her up..."she is so awesome, turn up the radio". WHAT???

YEAH for me. i love this song...i listened to the lyrics as i was driving/climbing the canyon, to reach the destination that would bring these boys a day of sheer fun and pleasure.

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

in this first verse i heard my heart literally breaking open, i feel this, i understand this with absolute testimony... can i...will i make it,

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

we all have to lose, it is in the losing that we find strength in what we realize we still have.

it amazed me to read your comments to my turmoil last night. i could hear in each of you that you know this battle that i am challenged with, you have all experienced loss, and pain, ...mountains. ...and you choose to be here for me, and for each other. you take chances....

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

i began to think about what i was leaving behind, as i was driving up the canyon, ...leaving the smog of the valley, what was behind me didn't matter so much, i had to keep my eyes on the road ahead, to safely meet my destination.

i thought of the rear-view mirrow, it is so small, and it is important to see what is behind you, but the windshield in all it's magnificant size is what is really vitally important, in reaching any new destination...if i were to have focused solely on the rear-view mirror i would surely have destruction in my future. not to mention my precious cargo.

i took my time, i drove with precaution, the speed i was comfortable, glancing from time to time in the rear-view mirror, but focusing on where i was headed, what was in front of me.

..Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on.

yeah, i had a battle last night, a battle of emotion, of battle of grieving the loss of a person who certainly was VIP in my life, maybe even one of the most important people in creating who i am today. a person who pushed me beyond my own limits, pushed me when i thought i couldn't be any stronger, pushed me out of bed when all i wanted was to die under the covers, pushed me to be better than i thought i was. a person who taught me that in my very least i could hold my head high....and know that i was loved, know that i had value, and that i had ability,

and most of all, she taught me that being me wasn't enough,
discovering who i am meant to be was.
[thank you Grandma]

I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

the drive today was good. i got the boys to their destination. i thankfully realized right then that this reality is exactly what every day of my life is about. my choices, my focus, my being able to put the past behind me and focusing on what is in front, where i am headed, is the only way that i can climb, the only way i can be assured that my precious cargo, my loved ones, will safely make it, together...

i had brought myself some tissues in the pocket of my sweater because i had told myself that i could have a good cry on the way home. the tissues in the pocket of my sweater [there just the way my grandma would have had] are still in my pocket. i think i will save them for another day, another time.

today....i plan to find someone to help, something good, something she would have done, and i plan to smile, because she would have. that is what she would have wanted from me. i can feel her pushing me, almost annoyed that i would waste so much time and thought in grieving her. that i would waste the energy i have been given, when i can be doing so much good elsewhere.

i am certain she is not moping around. sure she misses us all too, but she is busy, actively engaged in doing good works. she is probably holding all the babies...moments before they are placed in mothers arms, she is probably teaching and greeting and comforting others. ....for sure she whispered in my ear her wish to me.
"Move on dear,
do good,
and be of good cheer.

You have a work to be done,
now get to work."

Keep on moving,
keep climbing
Keep the faith,

it's all about the climb

Friday, January 8, 2010

broken and lonely

i thought i was going to be okay …i have been so positive, and maintained a mind over matter happy day attitude how come tonight i am freaking out inside. my sensibility tells me to hold it together. no one round me should have to deal with the pain and torture that i am feeling inside. i have been cheerful, i have been pleasant, i have been strong. i have worked, stayed busy, served, loved, cheered….yet tonight i feel darkness and pain and anger and torment taking over my insides out. all is well, i keep telling myself that, yet i can not help but feel there is a flood of tears behind the dam of my eyelids. i breathe. i pray. i pretend, and the frayed rope that i have been clinging to is coming to an end…it is stretched and at the end of its strength. tonight there is nothing left. tomorrow is my late grandmothers birthday. i have prepared to celebrate in doing good deeds, doing things that would honor her life, finished off by a huge bowl of rocky road ice cream put away with her favorite ice cream eating spoon that was gifted to me when she could no longer tolerate eating it. she had asked me to feed her ice cream until she died, and i tried my best to fulfill her wish. last year i finished off her final half gallon of rocky road topped with my tears. i miss her. i thought i could go into January loving it as much as she did, but i don’t know if January's end will find me fulfilling her legacy. i miss her....

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191