come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

personal revelation


yep, i am having an aha moment, or rather personal revelation.

i woke up about an hour ago, weird because i have been sleeping so well for ....well MONTHS now. my body and mind have felt very healthy and i have been content. those restless weary days and nights i had become accustomed to took a break and i have slept through the night very well.

this waking moment was truly weird for me.

as i lay there my mind was peacefully flooded with thought. wide awake i pondered these thoughts and it seemed that words were literally translated into my mind. =personal revelation.

i realized that this discontent that has interrupted an otherwise content and peaceful period of my healing really is nothing that i can solve.

it is really not mine
to resolve.

recently the opinion that a few others have had of me has been altered, however this morning it became completely clear to me that it has not been altered by ME. nothing i have done or changed about me is the damage done. it is the opinion of someone else, like muck thrown on a window pane. my reputation has been altered for some because of their choice to view me through the opinion of others. and the truth is that i can do nothing to change that, and i really shouldn't try or worry about it.

do i want to clear things up?

of course.

am i going to be miserable until things change?

not at all.

i have been so sad, so teary; so trembling with heartache
that it felt that who i am was beginning to change, ...but no more.

i realized this morning
that i am at peace.
i have tried to make peace.
and I have found PEACE.

i have taken in the muck and the slandering comments and processed them and really unnecessarily wasted a lot of time and emotion participating in the process of trying to resolve something that the other party is not willing to resolve...yet

i realize that i am trying to carry their burden with them,
and it is not in any way mine to carry.
their opinion of me is theirs,
not mine.

they have the right to choose
how they behave
and what they do with that opinion
and although it is painfully sorrowful
that their choice
includes sharing that opinion
of me with others,
it still does not need
to become my burden.

even when such opinion changes the window pane in which others view me, i am still not responsible for it.
i am only responsible for my reaction to it. i am still me.

i have found peace in that i realized that the only thing that i can do is take what i hear and place it where it belongs. in a literal garbage disposal. it is garbage words, garbage thoughts;
necessary of immediate disposal.

i have no use
for the opinion of others
toward me.

a couple weeks ago it was clear to me that because of this circumstance that a trusted friend had changed their opinion of me. as if to judge me, and i understood not why. i couldn't figure out what had changed.

as it has become clear to me that their view of me has been altered by the opinion another has shared with them i became caught up in that.
almost as if to devastate me.

how could this person see me so differently?
why was i being judged so unfairly?

i realize it is because i have held my tongue. i have not given them any reason to see the situation any differently because i have chosen to not speak ill of the circumstance, or of the other person.

i have taken the fall, the weight of the burden with my silence, because of my respect for the other party i have refused to clear up any misconceptions that might be had of me.

that will not change.

it is not of my will
to make another be seen different.

i would rather suffer the consequence of others choosing to see me through the window pane that is mucked by deceit and opinions and slandering thoughts than to utter a single word unkindly regarding the other party involved.

they are my family, and i love and forgive them.
now the hard part is to forget, move forward,
and to live with a broken heart.

Monday, September 20, 2010

a NOTE to you who know me!

i started writing a few years ago because i needed a safe place to share, to heal.
i never expected to have so many wonderful people join me in my closet.

thank you for being here.

for the most part it has been a healing safe place...

but I have something that needs to be said.
...i have felt safe to share this place with a few family members,
and a few people have found me here on their own.

of my readers there are a VERY few family members.

if you have been here with me it is because you were invited
and trusted with the most deep feelings that i have.

i am candid.
i am honest.
i am vulnerable.

my pleading has NEVER changed.
if you know me please don't talk about what i share here with anyone.
call me, write me, talk to me but please don't talk about me.

i am an open book, a bleeding heart, and if you call me friend i will be with you in the guts of your life and mine forever.
if you hurt me,
i will forgive you and we can move forward.
if you hurt my kids, watch out.

lately i have not felt that I can come here and write because what i share here has been fodder for some to use against me.

i am now asking that you please respect me enough to stop talking or to not read my blog if you are going to use it for our own entertainment or for your own empowerment with me.

if you are better than me than good for you!
i can and will cheer you on in your successes in life.

i just want peace.

i want to be happy and i want happiness for everyone i dearly love,
and that does means YOU!

i don't enjoy conflict, i don't look for it.
i admit i have made my own mistakes and
i really am working on fixing any errors that i have
ability to fix.

but this last chose...
and i have been picking up the pieces.

I am done with it and moving forward.
If you are with me great.
If not, then my best wishes.

all is well,
it will get better than this!!!
but for now,
this is as good as it gets,
and it is good enough for us!

i will be back to write. this has always been about healing, and i am on the cusp of healing from yet another abandonment, another abuse.
another painful experience in my life, a betrayal and a unimaginable confusing mess.

thank you to YOU who have wondered where I am,
your love and care has been so much appreciated.
thank you for respecting that I am choosing to not speak ill
of this situation.

This too will pass and I have chosen to rise above it.

I sleep, I cry, and I pray and I know that it will be the best thing for us all in the end.

btw: yes, my mom hurt me.

yes, i have struggled, and yes, been angry.
and sincerely I have forgiven her.
Even forgiven the most recent frustration.
She is aware of my feelings
and she is aware of her weaknesses, and her STRENGTHS.

And she is NOT the problem in my life.
No one is the PROBLEM...there are situations we all have to work through, with each other.
But you can only work out the ones that are willing.

i am willing.

excerpts and focus

ahem...this will be a bit candid,
but also coded.

I posted a couple of entries a while back and then pulled them.
a few of you read them. and then i disappeared.

for the past 79 days i have been pondering....ALOT

I wrote this ...

my destination is up to me.
i pray for strength to know what choices to make so that i find myself where He desires me to be.

i have been in the shower mid-washing my hair while the heat of the water soothes my aching neck and back, allowing my eyes to weep an ocean of tears, and i thought of a few things, so naturally i threw on my robe and here i am.

with you.

with friends i have never met.

and then i wrote about some worries I had and some decisions that i was needing to make.

i can not post those things now.

it is eerie to me to say this
but exactly
what i was worrying
about those almost
80 days ago
was exactly
what i needed to be worrying about.

never in my life have i wished that i could be WRONG more than i have wished in the past couple of months.

Sadly I was right.

then i wrote:

i have a huge decision to make.
one that will test the very foundation of my family as a unit.

... at this point i feel that i have made a mistake and that i haven't considered what is in the best interest of my children and family, and that unfortunately has perpetuated the cycle of unhealthy mental and emotional exposure.

my intent now is to hopefully prevent
or shorten the need for them to be in therapy as adults.



but it will only be by the grace of God and our willingness to do the very hardest things we have ever faced as a family with courage that we will make it to that sacred and wonderful place for all.

at that time I PLEADED:

please PRAY, and wish me STRENGTH and COURAGE to do what i feel is right at this time. and that the HURT that will be caused in the course of this action will be HEALED as we better come to understand His WILL for us in our lives, rather than our selfish will in the moment. i already hope that forgiveness and understanding and PEACE will come of this moment; this tremendously difficult and painful moment.

Okay, so none of that probably really makes sense, however I am so thAnkFuL that i wrote then, so that now I can see progress. It seems really that it has been three steps forward 100 steps back, ...however...I am not minding that I have backstepped 100 steps because the place I am now gives me opportunity to see where mistakes were made, and gives me hope that as we move forward we can make things right and better for all.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191