come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

mountains into mole hills

enlightenment as i climb...

a while back my boys helped my grandfather to set off some bombs in his garden to deal with some pesky pets.
hmmmm [memory here],
it was the most interesting of summer days.

i think grandpa was as excited...maybe the boys and he scampered off to the garden to blow up ...ahem, ...stuff!

anyhow, i have been thinking of all the mountains i create out of daily mole hills.

it seems that moles [in life] are consistent and CONSTANT in making their presence known. from the irritating opinion of a well-intended friend or family member to the irrational commentary too often offered, and of course the media and subliminal expectation of perfection advertised incessantly... dirt brought to the surface...for a purpose?

the one i struggle the most with is the voice inside my head,
which takes all this aforementioned input and grows it,
to full bloom.

it seems that i have accessed way too much fertilizer to keep those thoughts and ponderings healthy and growing.
yet... set aside what said fertilizer really is....poop.
what is the point of poop?
it's waste.

as such thoughts present,
WASTE should really
be used
to grow these
irritating opinion
and irrational commentary

fact: i spend way to much time
considering and giving power
to anothers opinion of me.

really....a WASTE of time.

insert wisdom here:


I am not restricted by old,
limiting beliefs from
my family, my friends, or from society.

obody can make you feel inferior
without your consent.

~Eleanor Roosevelt

No one can create negativity or stress within you.
Only you can do that by virtue of how you process your world.

No one can depress you.

No one can make you anxious.

No one can hurt your feelings.

No one can make you anything other that what you allow inside.

None of these are tried and tested, none proven [by me...yet],
and if I had scientifically tested these theory's,
they would still be theory,
theory: opinion.

However I believe each statement can be used to re-write the brains wrong.
Repeat daily, until re-wiring [righting] is effective and enough to empower the combatant of input [wrongs], also known as: daily tortures used to self-inflict beliefs that you are less than another, because you give another person power in their opinion.

WISDOM: Success is an inside job!
Being relaxed, at peace with yourself, confident, and emotionally neutral
---these are the keys to successful performance in almost everything you do.

If you want to find a deeper meaning in your life,
you can not find it in the OPINIONS
or the beLIEfs
that have been handed to you.
You have to go to that place within yourself.

Look for the meaning of YOUR life
withing YOURself!

Why I have ever given up
resident expert
to another person or persons is beyond me!

Resident expert is as said....resident.
The only resident of me is ME.

I decide what I allow in.
I decide what I process, and ponder, and keep.
I decide what I discard...[
what is poop].
I decide what to grow.


The person looking back at you
in the mirror is the
one you have to answer to
every day.

so, back to mountains and mole hills. mole hills are created by moles...little well-intended furry creatures whose life's work is to incite rage and despair in gardeners, to cause havoc to the growth of potential nourishment.
innocently these little furry creatures are only doing what is best for their survival.
yet what they do is the dark.
moles; there is reason in the rhyme...making mountains out of mole hills...rather; be a mole, or climb a mountain...

moles are scrounge animals
and their work is viral to the gardeners garden.

...similarily are others well- [??] intended meddling and commentary...
[and i have been really troubled with the assumptions and the processing of others...havoc.]

i had forgotten this simple statement, this WISDOM:

...set aside the bad opinions....

One of the HIGHEST places you can get to
is to be
of other people.

...forget what others think GOOD
or BAD
of you...

What other people
think of me
is NONE of my business.

may i reap...only what i plant.

and further...may i use the fertilizer
of lessons, of past experiences, of trials and errors]
to grow useful thoughts and ponderings;
healthy nourishment for my soul.

the rest is just...waste!

Big or little, mountain or mole hill. Doesn't matter.
What matters is within me;
my opinion, my belief.

so, these wisdoms, are my out little well-intended moles.
I have a mountain to climb.

Selena Gomez & The Scene - Who Says

.You made me insecure,
Told me I wasn't good enough.
But who are you to judge,
When you're a diamond in the rough.
I'm sure you got somethings,
You'd like to change about yourself.
But when it comes to me,
I wouldn't wanna be anybody else.

You've got every right,
To a beautiful life.
Come on!

Who says,
Who says you're not perfect,
Who says you're not worth it,
Who says you're the only one that's hurting,
Trust me,
That's the price of beauty,
Who says you're not pretty,
Who says your not beautiful,
Who says?

.I'm just beautiful me.

Monday, May 16, 2011

chEeRfuL is a cHoicE

checking in....
i have been really irritated...angry
and likely very difficult to be around.

in fact i may need a caution cone to wear as a hat.
[i think i said that somewhere before.]

someone said...ahem, ....that making a dayS goal was not is definitely a ONE day at a time process....
[you were right. enjoy the glory....i don't often admit to being :( ]

generally, in truth to my nature...
when i make such a bold statement
i end up doing the EXACT opposite.
[something i am learning about myself]

I don't think I do it on purpose,
it just seems I allow myself to be jinxed.
over confident maybe...???

I can recall so many meetings with my bishop and other clergy saying WOW...I HAVE OVERCOME THIS...or THAT....and really feeling like I will NEVER be a problem for me again. We all have our challenges.

I feel the door hit me on the way out and I am immediately heading in the wrong direction, or at least headed down the road that I least expect....and most expect will find me stirring up trouble.

....arrrggghhhh WEAKNESS

ANyhoW, i am NOT being hard on myself....just recognizing that whatever it is I am dealing with and going through right now is REAL, and HARD, and MAXIMUM GROWTH POTENTIAL is right around the corner, ....i think. [i hope]

FACT: i have never experienced such ANGER.

RAGE....irrationality.'s insane, or maybe I am.

in general I am working on myself.


I am working on Step 4: TRUTH ...although I have NOT mastered step 1: honesty....or step 3: TRUST in GOD. I feel a little better with step 2: HOPE.

this MORAL INVENTORY is kicking my butt.....and i am CHOOSING to be a pain in the BUTT...poor people around me.

The only step I am really good at is
step 13: REPEAT!!!

I have to be,
being I repeat the error of my ways so often.

Anyhow....i blogged a pretty cool rhetoric regarding my recent GRADUATION...suCceSs....i accomplished an associates degree in the meantime!

I haven't completely quit!!! ...on me.

...just keep trying,
choose to be cheerful,
choose to recover,

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191