come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, January 23, 2012

tough it out

well, thats not working well.

i have been trying to tough some things out for far too long now.

you ask:

how are you?

i reply:

i'm fine, i'm great,

all is well,
swell, perfect,
sometimes just okay.

and truth, i am fine, i am great, all is well, or pretty well, sometimes swell, not quite perfect, close to it in many aspects, and generally i am okay. i mean, i have an abundance of gratitude, and my attitude reflects gratitude, and happiness, and even laced with some cheerfulness. plus i am good at smiling and pasting on a happy face. i save my complaints and my whining for my kids and mr. B. really. poor people who have to hear all to many times that i don't feel good, i am stressed. i have too much NOT done and i am freaking out. yep, that sounds about right!

this diatribe is not meant to make anyone feel they have to swoop in fix anything. we don't really have anything that needs fixing. we don't need dinners, maids, I sound a little pathetic. like: relationship issues, i am fine, i don't need anything, etc...when i am really dying inside for you to read my mind and there are a billion things you could be doing differently. haha. really, that is NOT what i am intending here.

i just need to write.

writing heals me.

i have about 100 journals to prove that my writing process is cathartic, and i have years of personal social improvement to show that i do overcome.

right now just need to say it out loud.

we have been toughing it out, and where it all looks fine it really is harder than i am showing it.

so, when i broke down a couple weeks ago and started talking about how we are really doing....first in prayer, then to random people who asked "how are you?" arrived. in the form of peace, and interesting phone conversations, and direction to some helps that can really help us. and then prayer again, thanking Him for more blessings in abundance.

we really are going to be okay. we are pretty tough actually, and all will be well.

thanks for asking!

pps: i know we are not the only ones trying to TOUGH IT OUT....that's life. in fact, i suspect i could know more about YOU. i mean, you are here, reading this and probably wondering why i haven't asked you recently how you are. I am sorry for that. I mean no offense. And I really do appreciate you reading, and listening, and caring. ThanKs. most important, si tu veux, HoW R YOU? really?!!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191