from April optimist....

from her post Connections and Changes:

"Are there changes happening in YOUR life? Are you able to see what's good about them—even if they are challenging and/or hurtful in the moment? I hope so. I hope that every day brings you reasons to smile and small moments of joy. I hope that no matter what the past may have been for you, that you are at least beginning to see wonderful possibilities for yourself in the future."


thank you for this. I am pondering and reflecting on the changes that must be happening in my life and the lives of many of my loved ones....

challenging and hurtful..
...changes are so hard...

I have hope for wonderful possibilities to replace the pain...



and still thinking about what she said to me,
about those who victimize us,
it is true, but so hard to comprehend....

"If they knew their connection to the Divine,
that they are loved,
they wouldn't need to hurt us."

seven

something about the number seven haunts me today....

seven months since my grandmother passed away...

seven years since....



seven...the number of children i should have had...


seven is the song number on my play list....dont... the song that

has a haunting hurtful message

seven was the age i was when i was last innocent...


talk about a drought.. and a flood. tears, emotions, finally emerging.

and here i am, again dumping....the hurt pain. the anger, the grieving...


[okay, i left for a bit....visiting others...Eli wrote this about grief:

Of course we'd also hit the basics.
The five stages of grief
– denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

It's funny how you can hear this stuff over and over, think you're so emotionally intelligent, and then completely miss what's going on in your own life. Until your therapist points it out. So part of recovery is facing the grief of loss, even when the losing is intentional, as in letting go of your addictions and the people who've dragged you down.

This helped me. Thanks.

easy silence

Do you ever go to someones blog and just stay there for a while?

Visit, hang out, watch their videos, listen to their playlists....

peoples music tells a lot about them.

mine does



if you listen to my music, either Mr. B and Me

[playlist at the bottom]

or my closet...[playlist at the side]

if you are here, want to read,
want to listen to the music...
pop out the player,
[click the pop out button
on the bottom of the player ♥]

then the music wont be
interrupted all the time
as you travel my pages...

my playlists: both were created
with my open heart bleeding
with passion, emotion, truth.

they are part of my resume. who i feel i am, i was, i wish.

Today: today i am having a hard time,

listening to the voices in my head,
struggling with my inner fight,

to stay away from the negative

the strangling agony of loneliness
that I feel in a crowd.


will everything be fine????

what about those I love???

why do I have to hurt so bad

I keep telling myself to hang on, stay strong...
what is wrong with me...






I put the easy silence video on here....for a while....

[click on the video
to listen to the music]

this video/song means much to me

as i drove to date night, uncontrollable sobbing......

somehow Mr. B was able to calm me
thank God for him

thank God for him

he certainly does keep the world at bay....

for me.

why?

children loose their youth to soon
watching war made us immune

i've got all the world to loose

i just want to hold on to the easy silence

the peaceful quiet that you create for me

the easy silence

please, can the war in my head just cease.
please, can those i love have peace.
please, can i somehow have hope to ease....

their pain.

naked

click on the picture to take
you to the video....cant be embedded
Not Ready to Make Nice
lyrics below

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Sayin' that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

WHY NAKED???

well, for me right now i feel that my soul is naked. i am baring it to you, it is creeping and eeping out of me every moment.

last night was date night...

we had some issues come up with our children, things that hurt them...
...not things they did, but things done to them, pain inflicted upon them by trusted adults; an aunt, a teacher....maybe i am sharing too much...

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

why....forgive....that is so easy to say

forget....that takes so much....

how much time.....why the waiting....

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate...


Life brings so much that we each have to suffer. So many trials, so many issues, so many emotions, so many feelings of inadequacy, so many consequences, so.....WHY, why do we instigate hate in our world....

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting...

Overwhelmed by your support... ♥

...I really am. Thank you ♥

When you feel sad, alone, whatever melancholy feelings that you have; that you hide from family, from friends, I come here, I read your words, and I think, there are angels, there are miracles, there are lovely people who for no other reason, no need to have to care, but do, because they are amazing and thoughtful, and truly the kindest of kind that ever lived. They are you. Thank you. I am doing well.

I had a fabulous weekend with my little family. Sweet as they all are. I began to fall apart a bit on Saturday night, and then Sunday. I realized that I was having a physical, mental, emotional anxiety reaction to spending some time with some of my extended family.

I still have issues with my neglectful and negligent father.

I love him, I really do, but why????

He has never been there for me,
he has missed so many important times in my life.

He didn't protect me.

He abandoned me.


When my kids have hard times,
I try to teach them what I think works.

I tell my daughter, my children,
focus on the positive,
remember the good in things,
there is good in all things,
you can find something...

... and don't look back,
don't look at the bad or disappointing parts.

All parts of life,
have happiness,
and
all parts of life have sorrow.

That said I was tucking my boys into bed,
each of them asked if I would snuggle.

That is my favorite part of my "job",
to snuggle.

I guess I need it as much as them,
for the answer is nearly always yes.

I went into their room
and my youngest had his new story book
on his pillow.

It was 10:10 pm by then,
after a long and wonderful day,
a Memorial day bar b que,
yard work, shopping,
playing catch
kind of day...

I didn't see anything wrong with reading a book before bed.

So I read,

then I tucked him into bed, tickled his back,
cuddled, snuggled, prayed, and kissed goodnight.

I stepped down the ladder of the bunk, and...

onto cuddle with my older, yet still young,
ten year old....

He wanted his back tickled,
but said, I will tickle yours first.

As I layed their and he tickled my back,
I had a memory.

When I was a very young girl,
my parents were still married,
we lived on the farm...

...all seemed so well.

My dad, my father,
would come tuck me in
from time to time.

The kind of tucking in a child should have,
not the kind I would soon be trauma to,

As my father would lay their,
I would sometimes scratch his back,
he was always tired from a long day of work,
and then a long evening of work on the farm,

he would fall asleep,
my mom would call on the intercom
and have me wake him up so he could
come up to bed.

I chuckled as I remembered this very fun,
very fond,
very wonderful memory.


A good memory, to replace some of the bad....

I told my boy about it,
then tickled his back
while he fell asleep.

I have so much to think about.

This is the story that I read
my son.

I find no mistake in my reading it.
Their daddy usually reads the
bedtime stories,

but this one,

this one, I needed:
I share it with you.

I knew you could!
And you knew it, too---
That you'd come out on top
after all you've been through.

And from here you'll go farther
and see brand-new sights.
You'll face brand-new hills
that rise to new heights.

I wish I could show you
the stops that you'll visit,
But that isn't my choice
to make for you, is it?

Instead, I can tell you
some lessons and tales
That I've learned and relearned
in my time on the rails.

First of all, you must find your own track,
So you can start right away
and not be held back.

But which track is yours?
Well, that all depends
On which way it's going,
and where it might end.

Different tracks wind around,
over, under, and through
So pick out the one that works best for you.

Though the track you start out on
will feel like "the one,"
You might take a few more
before you are done.

And now, with your eyes
on your new destination,
Start up your wheels and
roll out of the station.

On your new trip,
you'll make plenty of stops,
In deep river valleys
and on high mountaintops.

Some will surprise you
and some will be planned.

And you'll roll through each one saying,
"I think I can."

You'll go through tunnels,
surrounded by dar,
And you'll wish for a light
or even a spark.

You might get scared
or a little bit sad,
Wondering if maybe
your track has gone bad.

So here's some advice
to help ease your doubt:

The track you took in
must also go out.

So steady yourself
and just keep on going---

Before you know it,
some light will be showing.

And then you'll be out,
heading to a new place.

You'll be ready for the next
tunnel you face.

Okay, this is just the beginning five or so pages...
I will type more later...I must sleep, my eyes
are scratchy, tired, and weepy...
but for good, not so much for sad.


Hope to you all,
that your memorial day
was all that you desired.

Bless you who served our country,

and you who sacrificed loved ones for us,

and those of you who know someone who did.

For much is given, much is taken, much is required.

Thank you ♥

Bless you all.