it's late...

I have been thinking a lot about the comments and supportive direction that I read. Thank you.

I decided today to spend the day...for me.

It went pretty well. First I browsed blogs and felt that I was influenced and impressed by each of you. I left many comments regarding how your posts touched me and reached my soul.

I appreciated that I
could peek into your lives,
and that your words would
make me a better person today.

I read about gratitude,
about keeping busy,
finding a project to fill the time,
about renewal,
about sacrifice,

I read about suffering,
flashbacks,
snoring....,
unwelcome memories,
hope and healing,
courage,

about depression,
about wrestling with our thoughts

strength,
creating memories,
good memories,
replacing the yucky nightmares
with new memories,

and then again their is pain,
and suffering,
and grief,
and torment..

..each of us is in a different
stage of healing,
but we are here together.

With hope, and faith,
and a willingness to open up
the worst of our worst,
and share with others

in HOPE of HEALING.

I definitely don't know where I am tonight with my faith.

???

We had Family Home Evening,
a night that we spend together,

we sing,
we read scripture,
we tell stories,

we sometimes go out,
bowling,
taking a walk,
flying a kite,
visiting elderly people in our neighborhood.

we talk about our freedoms,
the people serving our country,

we talk about politics,
and the economy,

and our goals for our family,

we pray,
and we have a treat...which tonight brought me many smiles...

during our scripture story and lesson,

[we talked about Jonah and the whale,

if you want me to post the story, please leave me a comment,
I would be happy to summarize the story for you.]

my daughter asked:

"Does that mean that God will
even forgive the mean guy
that said he was going to shoot
me in the head?"

Okay...I was stunned.

Here we were talking about how God forgives all of us, even the wicked,
if they are willing to repent of their misgivings.

She was so struck by the thought that this mean guy,
who when she was about 6 or 7, walked past our house,
and told her he was going to shoot her in the head.

could be forgiven....OUCH!

The guy was really mentally disabled,
I doubt he has thought twice about what he
said to this little girl.

But that moment was so scarring to her,
she has never forgot it,
and she often is scared to
be outside alone.

I looked at my daughter
and realized she is a VICTIM.

She is a victim because I have never helped her
to have power over this experience,
to overcome it.

And now she wants to know if God will really forgive
this mean guy. This guy that she has loathed, and feared.

Much like we do with our abusers.
We fear them,
we
have flashbacks,
nightmares,
fears, horrid fear.

I didn't know if I could really address this.

If I tell her yes, he will be forgiven, I have to accept
that my abuser will be forgiven.

that what he did to me will be forgiven and he will
be equal to me in God's eyes, as worthy of his love
and his forgiveness, if like the scriptures say, the wicked
being called to repentance, will be forgiven.

I don't know what to write other than this was really
hard for me...

I had to tell her to forgive him, so that she can move forward, and stop being a victim to his words, the harm that he caused her. The childhood that he took from her in that she is not free to be outside in front of her home without thinking about what he said to her, what he did to her childhood, her innocence.



I am so angry. I feel so sad and frustrated. I feel like a hypocrite. I tell my daughter to forgive him, but I don't know if I can. I am so ANGRY that she has hurt this way, that I haven't realized how much she was hurting, or that he had harmed her. I feel like an awful mother, to have allowed someone to victimize my daughter and I didn't do ANYTHING about it. I can't believe that half of her life she has carried this burden.





I looked at the picture of the Savior holding a woman. In comfort, peace and love, healing. I have this picture in my front room. I told my daughter to trust in his love and willingness to take this pain from her. That she didn't have to carry this burden around. That she could be free from it. To let it go, and give in not another thought. And as I heard these words I thought, WTH am I saying. Seriously. WHAT THE HECK....I can't even do this...I haven't been able to fully forgive. I haven't given the awful memories, flashbacks. I haven't had the faith, the hope that I can fully heal.



I am tired tonight...but had to get this out.

Thanks for listening....I will see where I am tomorrow,

after sleep heals my heart, hopefully.....g'nite.

mel.an.chol.y

black. black bile: in medieval times considered to be one of the four humors of the body, to come from the spleen or kidneys, and to cause gloominess, irritability, or depression. the condition of having, or the disorder supposed to result from having, too much black bile. sadness and depression of spirits. a tendency to be sad, gloomy, or depressed, sad, sober musing, pensiveness.

I am pretty sure that I have mentioned in the past that I love words. I find even more pleasure in understanding words and where they come from, and where they are going...

That said, today the word that I thought described me well was melancholy. I decided to look it up. My understanding of my feelings is enough sometimes to spear me in a better direction.

I feel melancholy.

WHY?

I don't really know. The weather is taking a turn for the better, the flowers are blooming, the breeze blows the sweetness of blossoms from the trees in the back, and down the street. The dandelions [a favorite of mine] are fully blooming.
I am blessed.

I know that I am.

I have much to be grateful for,
and little to be melancholy about.
That is unless you take in to account my nature.

My nature to care for others, to have deep concern, and worry, and trepidation at the thought of suffering. Not my suffering, but that of those around me, and strangers in my midst. I worry. I fret, I cause myself great anxiety over things that I can do nothing about.

Nothing, that is, besides pray. I can pray, I can have HOPE, I can have faith.

Today, I am melancholy about a lot of things.

Today, I will spend more time in prayer, and contemplation.

Today, I will recognize the blessings that depend on me, and I will put aside my melancholy, lest it be considered depression again, and I will do unto others in all the ways that I can.

Today, I hope for each of you that all is well with you. That you are not alone, that you have the help and support that you need.

If you are here, you have my support.

I have been away again for a bit, but I am back. I have missed much of what is going on with each of you; readers, bloggers, friends. I hope to step into your world again, and find a way to lift and be with you on your journeys to heal. Thanks for being here on mine.

My Son's Baptism

What a beautiful day for our son!
He chose to be baptized.
I say CHOSE, because even
at eight years old
in our church
they choose, or don't choose.

The night before he wasn't sure,
I told him that he didn't have to,
and that choosing to be baptized
only meant that he believed that
his Father in Heaven loves him.

That he could make mistakes,
he could be forgiven,
and that he was part of
a group of people
who believed the same things.

He slept on it.

I am writing these things because
I am truly full in heart today.

This day was about our son.

But here "in my closet",
I come to write about me.

I enjoyed the day,
with my family,
and some wonderful friends.

But there were TOO many missing.

My loved ones,
those who have been there for me.

You!

My sister,
my cousin,
...

So, here, I grieve, missing you.

It was a beautiful day.

Yet, I cried a lot.
I cried Sunday, all day...
my heart is overflowing.
This picture is me with my sisters,
three of them.
Missing is my sweet baby sister,
missing is my cousin, 1427.17--

Days, when I am wistful
for those who are
not here...

sister, cousin
Grandma's--

Grandma.

I miss you. I love you.

This picture was taken following
our church meetings.

My son was tired,
he was tender.

He and I had tears.
And looking into his eyes,
the only solution
was to snuggle.

A nap,
a moment of peace,
together.

He is amazing,
and it is for him,
my baby,
my oldest son,
my daughter,
my middle boy
my sweet husband....

....my life, laughter
light, love of living.

...for them, I choose to heal.
For me, I choose to heal.

THANKS!

THanKs Just Be Real, for the award...what an amazing accomplishment to be acknowledged by so many of you for what....for writing my story and trying to pull my self up out of despair.

I really should be THANKING all of you, for being here for me, and yet, I get appreciated. I do think this community of friends is the most amazing thing that I have come into, as you come into my closet and you cry with me and laugh with me and pray with me, and give me hope, and encouragement.

WOW, thanks, everyone.

And THANKS Just Be Real,
for your expression of kindness.
What an adventure we are on,
and I am there with you. ♥♥

I have been MIA for a bit, off and on. Still have one paper due, and a FINAL on MOnDaY. I also have my little boy being baptized Saturday, so my family, my home, my schooling is getting all my attention. I hope to get enough done today to have a DATE night with hubby.

I have pictures from snorkeling...I will post soon. Under the water is such an amazing life and community....I wish to find the time to write my feeling here about it.

Just BREATH!!!!
I keep telling myself today...
I am pretty stressed...
and that can lead to things
I am trying to avoid.

Thanks again everyone.
Best wishes for today's success...

And most important...if you can pray for my brother in law. His Grandson fell off a ladder, he is about 14, he is unconscious still, since yesterday, convulsing and vomiting.

Pray for him, his parents, loved ones. We are hoping for him to wake up, and show signs of healing.

My love, my admiration for each of you, safe hugs and wishes! ♥

"Is that your Baptism coat???"

First: Thank you everyone for your sweet comments and prayers on behalf of my brother in law's grandson. He woke up, he is doing much better. He will have to go home to complete CAUTION and not jar his head for quite a bit of time. They say it was quite miraculous that he wasn't paralized or brain damaged further. He is still trying to recall what happened. But doing better. The family thanks us for the prayers that quite certainly pulled him and them through this. Thank you!!!





Just to clarify, YES, son #4 did leave the house this way, but how am I suppose to notice things like this so early in the morning. I am good if I get them fed, homework in bags, teeth brushed, hair combed - optional-



...So , after school I take a look at the little gangster that is wandering over to my car...I think, I wonder who that is. On closer inspection of course I noticed that he was mine!!!



No problem. We have MANY suit coats...he looked a little cute.He gets home and I ask him to put his things in his room. I follow him in and he is hanging his coat up.



NOW I TAKE A CLOSER LOOK!!!! It is his BAPTISM COAT...WHAT...



"Is that your suit for your Baptism Day????"



"Yes, I wanted to show my friends what I would be wearing...."


Okay, so the only thing I am worried about now is: Do the shorts go with his coat....TOMORROW. We will see.