come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

a CHILD deSeRVEs to be LOVED

Things changed for my mom. A new man came into her life. I think he must have thought that we were rich and she would take care of him for life. Well part of that is true; she did take care of him. Like she had never taken care of anything before. My mother worked and sacrificed more for this man than she had anything ever before. She sacrificed me, my sisters and my brothers. She gave up on us, for him.

I knew something was going on really early in the relationship. My mother and father were still married, but this man was taking a unusual interest in my mother. He was supposed to be rebuilding parts of our house, but instead he was wreaking our lives and breaking apart our home like a wrecking ball with a path of destruction being all that it left.

I don’t blame her for looking for love. We all want someone to love us, to cherish us, and accept the worst things about us. I just can not imagine putting that love above the most precious part of life, my own children. It has become even harder for me to understand because I know what it is to love a child and sacrifice for them. And because I know what it is to love with passion and acceptance of a person. I do not believe and will never be convinced that she and my step-father had that kind of love. Therefore I can only conclude that as a little child I was not good enough to be loved by the very people who should have loved me [AND PROTECTED ME] the most.


Amysplash said...

i wish i could belive that i deserve to be loved but i dont not write now

Psych Client said...

You did and do deserve to be loved. Some people and sometimes those close to us, don't have it in them to give.

Its not something I can understand either. I have a child and my heart is overflowing with love for him.

The good news is you can feel love for your children and that is huge

mile191 said...

thanks psych client. you are right, it is the other person who has grief. i think that we do deserve to be and have to figure that out within. i dont think that you can depend on others, but when you are a kid you don't know different. i think my kids love me, but i don't even accept it from them sometimes. i try to show them i love them, but i feel so broken sometimes.

i think i have to work out my stuff and learn to like me to be able to work out the rest.

thanks, and amy, come back if you can. i will check on you.

Cat said...

Recently I wrote a letter to my mother - sent via email - but it was a letter that felt so very different than anything I have ever written.

I wrote my mother an apology. After years of allowing the rejection to fuel and validate my own self anger, hurt and pity I realized I had to apologize and let it and her go.

Your story touched on some of my own life truths - after having my boys I could not fathom how a mother could turn on a child - not like how she did.



who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191