come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, November 17, 2008

remember when?

It is not so easy to sit around the dinner table with friends and family and hear the you remember when. Sometimes I really have thought about saying something like do you remember when dad beat the hell out of our brother. Do you remember how we had to hold a pie tin under his face as bodily liquids were oozing from the cuts and broken nose. Oh, and do you remember that he didn’t even get to see a doctor for these horrific and painful injuries. But then again, the physical injuries were never as painful as the emotional and mental damages.

It was sometime in the 1970's that I began to realize that I wasn’t a child anymore. Being a child was to play and laugh, to run the farm with my cousins from morning to night. To ride horses, and dance, play t-ball and go to Grandma’s house.

This was my life, and then, it began to change.

My mother and father were no longer in love. I am not sure that they were ever in love. They had a tolerance for each other, if you could call it that. My dad worked hard to provide, probably too many hours. My mom was lonely, and to me seemed as though having kids and raising them alone was not part of her grand essential plan for herself.

I still do not know what it is she expected from life. But I do know that I wasn’t a favorite part of her life. There are little things that children pick up on and stay with them forever.


Anonymous said...

Your story is similar to my own. I guess "falling in love" and "raising a family together" are over-exaggerated phrases to describe the life that people intend to have. I feel sorry for my poor mother. But since her divorce, she's been the happiest that I have ever seen her. I hope that I will not make the mistake that she and my father made twenty years ago.
Thanks for your comment on my blog.
Hope to hear from you soon!

Andrea said...

Thanks for stopping by. All I know about the David O. McKay quote is that it's from Teachings of the Presidents of the Church.

I really admire your strength in trying to stop the abuse cycle. Keep at it. You can do it.

Psych Client said...

I so know where you are coming from. Your post is almost exactly whst I would've wrote if I had your courage.

I also want desperately to stop the cycle. Sadly, I'm the only one in my family on both sides who sees it that way.

Children should be treasured, loved and hugged often.

mile191 said...

all three of you who came and commented, THAT is brave. actually you are inspiring me out there by what you are writing. I will keep posting the book pages. My story. each entry is going to take time to process for me. I hope to continue to have the courage. keep up your writing. we have something big to do to break the silence. thank you for coming.

on a personal note to each of you.

hi there: it was reading your pages that gave me courage to post today.

andrea: something about that quote inspired me today. thank you. also, your smile, you have a warmth that felt kind. I needed that. Thanks for coming.

psych client: you got me thinking of the dichotomy in me. I blog in layers. one is safe for my "family", yes, the imaginary safety that I pretend is family.
#2 is like the sunday funnies, stuff that makes me smile, YES, I laugh and live, beyond this crap.
and #3 is my closet. come in if you want, it will be raw.

Thanks to you guys. keep coming if you can. i am working on something, I want to see you there with me.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191