come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, November 21, 2008

i want to die - trigger warning

Now as I am coming to a new horizon, I wonder if looking back is really important in the process of healing.
By horizon, I mean that I have forgiven, or have I?
I know that there is something to the forgetting part.
But how can I forget until I have shared, and helped someone by these experiences.

Silence is usually the medicine we take for abuse. Not me, not anymore.

When my mother decided that her first marriage was over, I must have thought cool...two Christmas’s, two birthday cakes...

But I was no longer a little girl. You see, he had already begun to abuse me. I remember waking up in my makeshift bedroom to this man, this construction worker, fondling me. His rough hands were inside my panties.
I don’t remember how I felt, only that it happened all the time. I tried to tell my mother once, how she responded was so nonchalant that it must be okay.

I mostly remember missing my daddy. He used to tickle my back until I would fall asleep, or he would fall asleep. He would tell me I was his favorite, something I am sure he told all five of us. We would work on the farm together, me mostly playing but he didn’t care. We had rabbits and kittys, fish and dogs. It was really a magical time, living on the farm. Then the flood. Our basement filled with water and we hired the workers. They came everyday. And when the work was done, my mom found new jobs for him. His name is Bob.

I remember building the clubhouse with him. We couldn’t wait to show dad. My dad must of been hurt. Who was this man spending time with his wife and children?
But he was too busy to worry much. He had work and callings in the church.
He would worry about it later.

Then it was too late. My mother decided to move to an apartment.

By then the divorce was in the making, and the abuse was in full swing. Our new daddy would tuck us in extra tight, he must have liked me best for he saved me for last and spent extra time touching and playing with me as he tucked me in. I began to really hate him touching me. I hated every part of this new life we had begun.

It was then that I wrote a suicide note. I was ten now.

Dear Mom,
I hate Bob. I hate him and I want him to leave us alone.
I am going to take all my heart medicine and die
because I don’t want him to touch me ever again.

No comments:

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191