come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Mile 191: erased

I can not describe or even really remember the feeling I had as I walked through the empty house.

When I got to my room, however, their were my things; left behind.

Symbolic, I am sure of the fact now.

The fact that I was being left behind. Every trace of me erased from her existence; wherever that might be.

I was left. Later I came to realize that the word for that is abandonment. Abandoned by my mother, at the age of 16. I was homeless; abandoned; left by the one person who should have loved and protected me.

Looking back I had really always been emotionally and mentally abandoned, this was only a physical abandonment;

...and it hurt the worst because it brought the realization that a mother really can walk away from that which begins as part of her being.

i realized that it is not just a natural thing for a mother to love her child.

i realized there are some times things more important to a mother than the love, care and nurturing of their own child.

What was so important to her for her to leave me?
me: Her daughter.

At the time i thought this must be my fault.
What did I do so wrong?

It would take me; and may take, my whole life to figure out what and why.

...and maybe that is not part of my healing....

when i read this, and remembered when i wrote it, i remember that i was in therapy, 13 years ago.

since then i have come to understand some of why my mother left me.

...and some of it i still don't understand.

i understand the abuse that she was also suffering,

the struggles of her own childhood,

the pain and torment of being subjected to her own physical, emotional, mental abuse during marriage.

this man, my stepfather; didn't just abuse and beat the children, he also abused her.

at the time that i wrote this, i didn't put much thought into that.
[however; i don't excuse her from her behavior,
and; i do NOT believe i did anything wrong.
i know that it was not my fault.]

i do have a better grasp on where my life is now because she left me behind.

my life is better. that much i know,

i have had wonderful friends.
people who have understood me
you know who you are if you read this.
in high school, in my neighborhood
not one, but three essential people
who listened, who didn't run from
my nightmare, but stood with me
through it. no YOU didn't go through
it, but I think what you did standing by me
was harder than what I was dealing with
you who loved me
you who listened to me
you who saw the pain in my eyes.
you who felt the pain in my heart.
YOU are amazing people
the couple of you who knew things,
who helped me through
tough times. THANK YOU.

...but there is a great deal unsettled, regrets, frustrations and anger, missed memories.

being away from my sisters and brothers,

...being separated from them was awful.

and during that time, the experiences they had would need to be overcome;
adding insult to injury you could say.

for me, to be erased from my mothers life,

to be forgotten,

to be selfishly abandoned by her....

i was just a young girl;
and no, it was not my fault that she left me.

i can not put to words how that makes me feel tonight.

i think i am still not accepting it.
i don't understand it, and i don't even know how i feel about it.

i feel that is part of the numbness, when i stopped feeling.

when i began to go through the motions of life,
without thought to my personal satisfaction and pleasure,
blocking and erasing my life; even as i live it.

going through the motions...
i guess you could say that i began to abandon myself,
to perpetuate the abuse that i had experienced,
and that i have not stopped the cycle of abuse.

yes, i do need to be honest with myself,
i need to choose to move forward, to heal.

this is my journey, this is why i am here,
this is the purpose of this place,
to safely work through the entries of my life,
and to only keep what i choose.

my approach of mile 191, what do i choose? where do i go from here?


jumpinginpuddles said...

my mother used to hold my arms down as my fatehr abused me, in the same way it seems your mothers hands were tied but i need to say this BUT thius was her choice to abandon and neglect you, she may have bene a victim once but as an adult she became as much a perpertrator as your father.
And its ok if you delete this.

Shadow said...

abandonment leads to self-abandonment. something i very recently realised. i haven't gone through anything remotely as devastating as you have, but i know that feeling only too well. i am only now praticing realising it every time it happens. changing the feelings surrounding it i haven't even touched on. but i will. and it will get less. and less. and less. as acceptance creeps in. time. you too! give yourself time. hugs!

1427.17 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I understand your feelings here, it is good to write these things out. I am glad you don't excuse her behavior, she should have taken you with her. I was horrifically abused as a child (as you know), and when my daughter was born, I raised her alone from birth (long story about her mother not keeping her *sigh*) and I swore she would never have to go through what I went through. Her step mother (my wife) was so very abusive to me, didn't have anything to do with my daughter (thank GOD), but when I finally got the strength to divorce her, I couldn't have imagined leaving my child behind, alone no matter what age. I hope all of these writings, letting it out can help your healing. I really do. And I pray for you daily and always send you safe hugs! ~ V


I imagine that some of why your mother left you, you will never understand because you are not your mother, you are not her feelings or her thoughts. You are you. You would have to be inside her head and heart to fully understand.

No human can ever know someone else this fully - ever. Only God knows the depths of the human heart.

There is a little blue pamphlet entitled "Acceptance - The way to serenity and peace of mind" and it has a white dove on the front cover. Often you can find these at your AA Central Office. You might want to try to find it. It's good.

We do have to come to a place of acceptance because that's where change begins. What is-is, what was-was, and what ain't-ain't! BUT - we don't have to LIKE what we have to accept.

You don't have to approve of what your mother did or blame yourself either in order to accept that it happened. Acceptance, in my mind, is the opposite of denial. And once I stop denying, then I can begin to heal - change my attitudes, thoughts, feelings, and behavior - even if ever so slowly.

I have often gone through times where I had to numb things out. I used to use alcohol to do this, but no longer. Now I just sometimes have to "tune out and turn off" mentally for a while. UNTIL I am ready to move on.

Just keep having the "honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness" and things will move along in God's time.

Love and prayers to you,
Prayer Girl
P.S. You can set your blog so that you can moderate comments. That way, you read them before they are posted. If something is hurtful or otherwise mean-spirited, you can just reject rather than publish the comment. Just a thought.

Amysplash said...

hey there just checking on you and love ya i hope you are doing ok i am kinda not good right now my dad is here thats ok but not doing to good been upset angry wanting to cut but just checking on you big safe hugs amy

steveroni said...

For some reason, I feel like I'm being drawn into your life, not your real life face-to-face...but the life you have lived, are living.

Maybe it's because you write so well, with such a "present-moment" state of "being there", to all who are reading.
I know reading your blog has an effect on me, which I had not realized would/could ever happen just from reading (I'm not a 'reader')...

I just want tonight to pray for you, for your husband, and for all who you love, especially for yourself.

Wish there was a way to contact you, I'd like to tell you some things about my angel named Flex, but not on comments. Whatever....

Cat said...

too was abandoned - and emotionally and physically abused by my mother - I did abandon myself as well - felt as unloved and as unloveable as she had told me I was muchof my life - I know now - I know my own truth, my own worth and that I am healing it all one day at a time.

Through my children much of my haling began - now with my husband' sobriety I am working on the rest of me.

I am so grateful you came by my blogspot - I will be rading you more - and often.


Gabriella Moonlight said...

I too was abaondoned by my mother in many ways and she was the perpetrator of great violence against me in my life, but I today have come to a mystery place of acceptance, not of what her actions were, but of who she was. I leave it in the mystery. I think what Prayer Girl said, was and is exceptionally true for me today, "No human can ever know someone else this fully - ever. Only God knows the depths of the human heart." I believe that with all of my heart.

I hear you so clearly and just hope that you know that there is love out there, now.


who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191