When I got to my room, however, their were my things; left behind.
Symbolic, I am sure of the fact now.
The fact that I was being left behind. Every trace of me erased from her existence; wherever that might be.
I was left. Later I came to realize that the word for that is abandonment. Abandoned by my mother, at the age of 16. I was homeless; abandoned; left by the one person who should have loved and protected me.
Looking back I had really always been emotionally and mentally abandoned, this was only a physical abandonment;
...and it hurt the worst because it brought the realization that a mother really can walk away from that which begins as part of her being.
i realized that it is not just a natural thing for a mother to love her child.
i realized there are some times things more important to a mother than the love, care and nurturing of their own child.
What was so important to her for her to leave me?
me: Her daughter.
At the time i thought this must be my fault.
What did I do so wrong?
It would take me; and may take, my whole life to figure out what and why.
...and maybe that is not part of my healing....
when i read this, and remembered when i wrote it, i remember that i was in therapy, 13 years ago.
since then i have come to understand some of why my mother left me.
...and some of it i still don't understand.
i understand the abuse that she was also suffering,
the struggles of her own childhood,
the pain and torment of being subjected to her own physical, emotional, mental abuse during marriage.
this man, my stepfather; didn't just abuse and beat the children, he also abused her.
at the time that i wrote this, i didn't put much thought into that.
[however; i don't excuse her from her behavior,
and; i do NOT believe i did anything wrong.
i know that it was not my fault.]
i do have a better grasp on where my life is now because she left me behind.
my life is better. that much i know,
i have had wonderful friends.
people who have understood me
you know who you are if you read this.
in high school, in my neighborhood
not one, but three essential people
who listened, who didn't run from
my nightmare, but stood with me
through it. no YOU didn't go through
it, but I think what you did standing by me
was harder than what I was dealing with
you who loved me
you who listened to me
you who saw the pain in my eyes.
you who felt the pain in my heart.
YOU are amazing people
the couple of you who knew things,
who helped me through
tough times. THANK YOU.
...but there is a great deal unsettled, regrets, frustrations and anger, missed memories.
being away from my sisters and brothers,
...being separated from them was awful.
and during that time, the experiences they had would need to be overcome;
adding insult to injury you could say.
for me, to be erased from my mothers life,
to be forgotten,
to be selfishly abandoned by her....
i was just a young girl;
and no, it was not my fault that she left me.
i can not put to words how that makes me feel tonight.
i think i am still not accepting it.
i don't understand it, and i don't even know how i feel about it.
i feel that is part of the numbness, when i stopped feeling.
when i began to go through the motions of life,
without thought to my personal satisfaction and pleasure,
blocking and erasing my life; even as i live it.
going through the motions...
i guess you could say that i began to abandon myself,
to perpetuate the abuse that i had experienced,
and that i have not stopped the cycle of abuse.
yes, i do need to be honest with myself,
i need to choose to move forward, to heal.
this is my journey, this is why i am here,
this is the purpose of this place,
to safely work through the entries of my life,
and to only keep what i choose.
my approach of mile 191, what do i choose? where do i go from here?