come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

there are kind people out there

We moved again. This time to a home. It was wonderful. I really made some friends.

I loved my leaders in my church group.
They loved their children so much.

I remember one of my girlfriends mothers was our leader. I remember her telling me that if there was ever a war she would gather her children together and protect them. That they would die together if need be, but that they would not be alone.

I will never forget thinking I want to be a mother like that.

After a while the home was too much money and we moved into a nice apartment. My mom worked at the K-Mart around the corner. I would go in to see her. There was another woman there who took a liking to me. Her kindness will never be forgotten. She once bought me a wardrobe of clothing for the next school year. She said she never saw a child look so sad, and so worn out. The clothing couldn't fix how i looked, but she wanted me to have something. What she gave me was my first clothing that weren’t hand me downs. What she gave me I didn't understand then; it was hope in humanity. I never knew someone could be so kind.

i couldn't put any more of my story with this post. it needs to just be about the kind people that i knew as a child.

i didn't have much interaction with extended family. i didn't see my dad more than a couple of times growing up.

i met a few people who were nice. coming from my home, most people i knew were nice, nice compared to what i knew.

but what i am talking about is KIND. kind is different than nice. kind is looking into someones eyes and knowing more than you see on the surface. kind is doing something for nothing.

when you are a child and you have to do awful things to have the essentials of even food and water, you are taken by surprise when someone does something for no reason.

i don't know what to do with kind. i always think that people are trying to manipulate me, or that they have an agenda, that i will be locked into something awful if i accept their kindness.

it is so hard to be so locked, like someone said: locked away so tight and there is no key to fixing or opening me up.

but these two women, they were genuinely kind. my leaders kindness was short known. short, but i remember her. short because we never lived anywhere for too long.

with beatings, and neglect, your neighbors figure you out, you have to run a lot.

the second women, the one who provided my first own clothing; she is still being kind. she is my bunny. that's what i call her. i miss her. she was warm, and kind. she knew i needed someone, and she did what little she could. but the little she could was the biggest thing in my life.

when we moved i kept writing her. she always wanted to know where i was, like keeping me safe; in a situation she could do nothing about. she felt that if she knew where i was i was safe.

she is the first person i opened up to about the abuse, through letters, after my mom abandoned me. she never shied away from caring about me. i will love her forever for being so kind.

i got a letter from her this last Christmas. she must be getting old. i hope to get to tell her one more time how much she meant to me.

the kindness of a stranger; they will never know how their actions, their words can change the life of a little girl. she didn't change my circumstances, but she did change my life. because i knew someone cared. thanks bunny.


Amysplash said...

hi there i am not to bad thanks for asking i wish i could belive that people cared or all people cared but theres very few that really do care i hope to write more tomorrow been busy latley trying to help my sister find a home till tomorrow big safe hugs to you my new blogger friend hee hee

love someone that really dose care for you and how your feeling someone who understands

Strong and determined said...

It is amazing the difference it can make when one person genuinely cares. I teach 14-15 year-old girls at church. It's my goal to let every girl in that class know that if they don't feel safe or accepted anywhere else in their lives, they can in our classroom...even if it's only for a few minutes each week.

I read a great book about the exact thing you are talking about. It's called - The Transcendent Child. (Lilian Rubin) I posted about it awhile back. The book chronicles several stories of adults who were abused in various ways as children, but were able to transcend their abuse in some way as an adult. The main reason they could do this was because of contact made with kind, caring people outside of their abusive family construct. It gave them some hope.

All of that said, it is still very hard for me to trust kindness in others. Because I isolate myself quite a bit, I don't reach out for kindness. I limit myself. I'm glad you are still in contact with the kind lady from your past - that is wonderful!!

AlkySeltzer said...

Hi, I'm back!
"The kindness of a stranger" Reminds me of that bible story. A guy was in trouble by the side of a road. Three guys of his own ilk, rushed right past--didn't even glance at him.

Then came along a "stranger" who took good care of him. We call that stranger the "good Samaritan". He still lives, 2000 years later--and he was only in a "STORY!"

The lesson you bring to me, is that I can, should, will be, and AM--a 'stranger' to another, as often as God puts a hurting soul in front of me.

Thank you so much.
Steve (strange-er-roni

Shadow said...

hiya! when relative strangers touch our lives, in ways more profound than they think, it awakens that all important hope, you so beautifully described here.

AlkySeltzer said...

" i know that every day is a struggle no matter how long."

Hey girl. Love ya, so don't take offense, PUHLEEZE! However, ah'm heere ta tell ya...after a time (don't know how long, wish I did) it is NO LONGER a struggle. I had to get that message to you right away, just felt "moved", ya know?

Some people--one day, and the 'struggle' is over. Others (ME!), even though not drinking--fifteen YEARS before the 'struggle' was over

. But I have a WONDERFUL experience, at least for today. of 19 years of being not only sober, but mostly VERY happy, serene, and AT PEACE. I just wish that for everyone on this Thanksgiving day.

I KNOW it won't be that way for all. In our beautiful 164 pages of the book somewhere, it says, "And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol."

If you do not live a 12-Step program, I may be talking (Ancient Greek), but maybe God will say something to you, of which I know not!

BTW, Prayer Girl also feels a strong attachment to you, as I do. She is my wife. Love, and {{AA}} hugs, steveroni Today, I guess it's preach-a-roni!!!!!

mile191 said...

thank you, everyone. today was hard for me to read even what i wrote. tonight i will catch up and do some friendship healing. but I wanted everyone to know that i really mean it, thanks. you are great people out there. i need and appreciate you.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Oh Mile,
Thank God for bunny, I thank God you had a bunny.
This is a beautiful Healing post.

I think you understand Healing so well because you were so broken my sweet angel friend.

I love you Mile.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I'm glad we got to use this for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. And I'm glad you had Bunny. Thanks for sharing this post.

Patricia Singleton said...

Mile, thank you for sharing such a beautiful story of hope though the hands of a stranger. I cried because I had similar experiences in my childhood where someone who knew nothing about the abuse (incest) offerred me a helping hand when I needed it most. I remember my first brand new coat and a few years later my first new clothes that weren't hand-me-downs.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191