come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, November 28, 2008

the day that changed my childhood

During my ninth grade year we moved back to my home state. I hated it. I had to make new friends again. I didn’t fit it anywhere. I was really tired of starting over so often only to be back in the same boat over and over. New schools, teachers, leaders, neighbors, all kind and good intentions and then the bomb would drop.

Lost jobs, fighting, daily torment, and again on the move.

We moved from one town, to another within a year and I started tenth grade.

This was really a happy time for me.

I seemed to fit in finally, with the boys in school.
I was really good at flirtatious behavior and never took it too far with anyone.

After summer and the beginning of a new school year I thought that I was off and running.

I had a friend, a best friend for the first time ever. We did everything together. We hung out and laughed a lot. We caused some trouble, but mostly at our own expense.

We started the new year by sluffing a lot of our classes in the name of fun.

We drank a lot, and smoked behind the seminary building. We even smoked in the seminary building. We were having the time of our high school life.
We were pretty much on the path of loser.

and that was fine, i had been told that i wouldn't amount to anything. i wouldn't be anything more than someones whore. i was a failure and already being a failure there wasn't much room to grow. i fit the path that i had been emotionally abused to believe that i was to trod.

Then came the day. The day everything changed for us both. The day we sluffed at my house.

My stepfather was home: "Wouldn’t it be fun to play strip poker."
"Wouldn’t it be fun to get drunk....and naked?"

Why not, we were young, we had our whole lives a head of us.
Or so it would seem.

How could we both have known it would be the last day of our innocence, the first day of nightmares for both of us for the rest of your life.

How could we have ever known that that one day would change the rest of our lives?


Anonymous said...

You did not know. And it is not your fault. I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I want you to know that YOU are that blessing, that positive thing to come out of my difficult situation. If I had never shared all that stuff, our paths may never have crossed, you see I just became able to admit that it even happened at all, let alone that I was not totally responsible. Please never stop writting. Do whatever it takes to get these nightmares out of your soul. I know what you mean about putting it out there, it is scary, I have been a little fearful of "them" finding out about it too. But you know what? It is all the truth and it happened, and it happened to me, so they can go F-off! What are they gonna do? Sue me?LOL. Yes I am still tad bit bitter. Oh, well. Of course you can use that quote, I got from the al-anon book "Courage to Change" the Nov. 27th meditation for the day.

mile191 said...

thank you.

The Real Gal said...

I am sorry to be responding to an old post, but I know it is the begining of your blog and I feel I need to share my support.

First off, I too am very sorry this abuse took place for you!!!

I need to sit down and read through your whole blog. Thank you for being very transparent. Much appreciated!

SapphireDreams said...

I know this is from an old post but just wanted you to know that I am here for support. Maybe I don't have a lot to say sometimes. Just know I share my support with you.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191