come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, December 15, 2008

hate

Our abuser, my stepfather, would tell you that you were worthless, no good; and would amount to nothing. You felt you did nothing right, if you did anything good he would find a way to make you feel you had failed.



It was as if there was a standard, an impossible standard upon your head and you could NEVER come close to it. You were beat down to nothing. He would say awful things and set you up to fail so he could laugh at you for being so stupid. It was a game to him. And if you dared to stand up to him, he would beat you. You had no value or purpose but to entertain and muse him.

I still can not think of this without wishing that I had some power to have known; to have done something; to have known that he is really the small, the inadequate, the weak and nothing of a man. My mother continued to live with and subject my brothers and sisters to this man after her abandonment of me.




This man; an evil that lives in my mind, day and night. The most difficult part of the entire tragedy is knowing that they had to continue to live with him after she left me. My brothers, my sisters, had to be subjected to him; even years after I had the courage to tell. They didn't escape.

Being abandoned was what saved me. They didn't escape, and it pains me to this day.

My older sister left home to serve a mission for our church. She finally was able to escape her own nightmare, only to find that it will continue for her entire life in living color every time she closes her eyes.




The nightmare we live with. Every time we close our eyes.

Every time someone stands behind me; I feel the threat of being beaten for doing something wrong. I know I haven't done anything, but I never feel safe.

I didn't do anything wrong as a child and I was beaten or threatened.

When I see a father and a daughter, or any may who finds a child charming; I wonder.

This trauma causes you to accuse in your mind. You can not understand just love and concern. It is a nightmare never ending. No it is a night terror, with eyes wide awake.



While my sister was serving her mission, she was able to finally speak out and tell someone of the years of abuse. She had always supported our mother, in moving, in living with him again, in her own pain she had not been able to escape.

She stayed. I am sure that is the haunting part of her nightmare; that she stayed.

I hated her for a long time. Martin Luther taught his son that hate destroys you. That you should never get so low as to hate. But I hated.

My anger, intense pain; hurt; and it felt like hate.

I never want to feel that again.

6 comments:

LarryG said...

should be reported still today! I hope so.
have a good Christmas.

jumpinginpuddles said...

hate consumes but sometimes its the start of healing

PRAYER GIRL said...

Keep trusting God. Keep moving forward. It will get better.

Your stepfather was and is an evil man. Period. You were and are an innocent. God will help you. He loves you.

The hate has to come out in order to heal. Surround yourself with those who love you as this process happens. Allow yourself to be loved.

Shadow said...

who'd have thought being abandoned could be a blessing in disguise. and who'd have thought that one evil sick person can have so much power over others.

Kim said...

Just want to say I'm still keeping up with your blog. I can really, really relate to this post. It sounds alot like my experience of my own father. {{hugs}}

Brandon said...

I have now read much of what you have written, and although it does not haunt me like it will always haunt you, I am affected. I dont believe in God, so I cannot in good conscience to tell you to turn to "him", and it would be wrong of me to do so.

While working at the Delta Center, it always bothered me that parents would allow their 12 and 13 year old daughters to wear shirts that said "porn star" or "slut". Novelty as it may be, it was then, and is now I feel, still wrong. There was one instance where a girl of no more than 15 was walking around the arena with a shirt that allowed not much left to the imagination. She had no bra on and everyone was getting quite a show from her parading around like this. "Daddy" was enjoying the attention his daughter was getting from all the horny boys walking around her constantly. When he placed his hand on her butt to lead her back to her seat, thats where I stepped in, and in no polite terms told him " there are police officers everywhere, and if I ever see you touch her like this again, I will make it my mission in life to see you destroyed". The look of shock and the register of his actions hit him like a ton of bricks, and he grabbed her by the arm and they promptly left the building. I may have saved her some dignity, and I may have caused her more grief. But i can honestly say that I would have gladly lost my job kicking his ass then and there.

Again, I am sorry for what you have gone through, and what you more than likely still go through. I feel more connected to you and I hope to offer my services as a sounding board or a punching bag if and when you need it.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191