come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, November 17, 2008

journey to hope

I have begun to wonder....what is it that my travel has been what it has and what have others travels created. What is the view of your road, your plateau, and what is on the horizon.
I know that as I embark upon the journey of sharing my story with others, that there are many in similar and worse circumstances. My only hope by opening this sketch of my experiences that I might reach someone who needs to be lifted, and encouraged.

That there is a beautiful horizon on every persons voyage. You choose to be the passenger or be the driver; what route will you take next. At some point you have to become the driver. At what mile do you choose to be your own agent and create the adventure that far exceeds all you have previously encountered. At some point you have to redirect your compass, in order to travel the road to your horizon.

[my disclaimer] -
why i feel i have to disclaim is something i hope to soon understand
The following passages may be difficult for some to read, and may contain graphic information regarding abuse, neglect, and human indifference. I do not mean to slaughter those in my life who abandoned the effects of compassion or those who should have protected us as children from the grasps of literal hell. Only that I might share our story, empowering others to do so and those who have not had to experience such acts of degradation to know what it is to me to have these as childhood memories.

Even now there isn’t a doctor that can repair the lifetime damages caused by constant physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse. It is an exhausting process to overcome the catastrophic afflictions caused by a childhood of trauma.

Forever a part of me will remember when, and I can count the dollars in therapy and lawyer fees to try to somehow heal a part of the painful memories. On my road to healing it seems that I find a horizon, only to eventually plummet to a new valley, with challenges and feelings. I now have to try to map a new direction and face the road blocks.

In my journey there is always a bar to pass, a constant nagging of the bottle; "take me on your journey", it says, "I can make all the bad stuff go away for just a bit."

I wonder that I will ever completely overcome any of this so that I can look forward, and never back again.

No comments:

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191