Healing

Tonight I bring a different healing moment to my closet. It's been a while, a long while, since I have spent time here. I had comments to moderate from moons ago. I am sorry I didn't see to them sooner. Truth. I get the comments in my email and I love hearing from you. When you are healing it is so nice to know someone notices. You noticed and you commented and it means a lot to me.

Today I need to be here. To write. It is the only place I know I can write that no one will come up to me at school or church and say something in regards to the issue. What I write here today I don't want to face tomorrow. I leave it. It needs to be said out loud. I need someone to hear me. I need to know that you care and your comments are all that. Then I move forward. Sounds like healing to me.

I had surgery again yesterday. Again because I have a problem growing tumors. They are always benign so no worries. But it's a big deal because the pain I go through is annoying up to removal, then the surgery, the inconvenience and all that comes with recovering. I have grown stuff for 20+ years. All the time that I have been with mr. B. We were dating when I first had a growth. He still married me, for better or worse.

Anyhow, I think the last time I blogged I mentioned said tumor and it hasn't been a party since. I get really emotional and irritable and am in pain a lot. Thus I am a pain to those close to me. Even though I try to control it, I still suffer those around me as we live with it.

I put off ultrasounds for a few months. It looked like nothing so I just lived day to day. About October I began to notice the intensity changing so I scheduled an ultrasound. It had changed. Time three it's size and not one that I could let grow further. Out it had to come. That was three weeks ago. Surgery was yesterday.

I'm writing because I am really frustrated and biting my tongue. I bite my tongue whenever something hurts me and I try to hold back the angry words. I know it will pass but the fact that when what is bothering me is being held in it feels like the old days of abuse. I dont want to live like that. So I write.

I didn't want to do this surgery at all. The timing is bad. Too much to be done these days for my family and the holidays and on top of that my two oldest need their wisdom teeth out. One was done this past Monday. One next week. It just seemed an inconvenience to throw in my surgery in the middle. However mr. B really wanted me to do it. He sees me in pain, it's noble, he doesn't want me to hurt anymore.

Here's the problem. The rambling. Begins. We get to the hospital yesterday and I can already tell that this is a task for B. He is dropping me off and headed home to get our three children off to schools and check on our recovering wisdom tooth surgery child. Of course my concern and instinct is toward the children as well. I put them first, always. And the hospital is taking a very long time. It's irritating, I mention that this is not a great time for this, for us. He just wants it done. Check...off the list. And I can tell. It's a task. There is no nurturing on his part. I feel his stress and it's hard for me. So I get settled and he can hardly wait to get home. Times a ticking. The kids need him. He leaves and I am alone. First off that is horrible for me. My past and being alone in hospitals doesnt go well. But I handle it. I think of my mom. I know if she could be there in spirit she would be and with my eyes closed I almost feel her with me.

I go into surgery and wake up. I can't open my eyes and I am so nauseous. I am alone.

It's a while before he comes back and then he is just in a hurry to get me out of there. Home bound. His agenda is to get me there. He has to go to work. I asked him if he took the day off. He says no. I ask if he told his work I was having surgery. They would understand. The answer again. No.

He keeps telling me to wake up.
Why are you sleeping?
I am so nauseous I can not open my eyes. I have been sick but he wasn't there so he doesn't realize the trauma from surgery. He just sees me peacefully sleeping. Peacefully???

Again, why are you sleeping? Honestly, have you seen Finding Nemo where Nemo is upside-down in the bag pretending to be dead and the little girl with horrid braced is shaking the bag screaming why are you sleeping???

He is that horrid girl. I am Nemo.

I finally told him to just leave. I am not going anywhere. I was seriously so sick, and he was making it worse. Thus he did finally go. The nurse was irritated at his impatience but she certainly didn't let on to it when he was around. It felt awful. I was so embarrassed I just wanted to go home. I made myself rush through their checklist and ready me for home before he got back. He could hardly dress me fast enough to getnout to the car. He was so annoying about it. I just wanted to hide.

I got dressed. He left for the car. I threw up all the meds he gave me before he rushed out of the room. All the juice, the pills, everything. He missed it and only wondered what took so long to get me to the car. I got a quick ride home and then left to sleep.

Mr. Responsible adult headed back to work. I slept the rest of the day. My four wonderful children checked in on me throughout the afternoon. He crawled in bed at some point and left again this morning. Today I got a text asking me if I had set up a family to come to Sunday dinner yet. We have people over each Sunday so he just wanted to be sure I was on top of that.

He came home to drop off one son from school and found me resting and acted surprised at my sleeping. I had asked him if the hospital sent home any instructions with him. I knew only enough from past experience what to expect, how to rest, not drive, etc. He got the instructions and started to look over them...a day late and consideration short, I just got up and showered. I then assisted our children in their chores and homework and got dinner made. I don't know much about what I am suppose to be doing but I know what I expect of myself and thus I am functioning there.

Tonight I just feel sad. I texted him a few things and after about 5 texts I get the one word answer "okay". As if that is even an answer to any of it. No NOT OKAY. Seriously.

It's not really that I needed him to be here with me. Or there with me. At the hospital. I just needed him to be patient and recognize the circumstance. I don't doubt that he is stressed with work. We are fortunate he has a job that provides so well. I get that neither B or his work got the memo that I was having surgery, thus I would need a little patience and time to recover.

I woke up this morning and felt great. I guess that having been in as much pain as I have been in for the past months that recovering from surgery is a piece of cake. Physically I do feel pretty great. I overdid it tonight in my frustration but other than that I feel great.

I wanted to tell him that. I wanted him to ask me how I am feeling so I could tell him that. The day is near over. He is at work. He hasn't asked.

Emotionally I think I am okay. Believe it or not. Just telling you here I feel healed. I can breathe. And smile. And go tuck my kids in.

This is me today. Here in my closet. It is not abused me trying to heal. It is just me. Thanks for listening.

bitter vs. better

when faced with challenges
we can get bitter
or we can get better.
---kristopher swinson

i have a calendar in my room
stuck on this quote,
the month of last summer,
i haven't moved past it.

it feels like i am still trying
to wrap my head around this thought.

for the last couple of months my husband
had written on the bathroom mirror a quote:

"We become
what we want to be
by consistently being
what we want to become
each day. "

--richard g. scott
the transforming power of faith and character
oct. 2010

personally, I am pretty much focusing
on being bitter, and angry, ...irritable...

I rationalize being bitter and angry [and sad] ...
by bragging up my gratitude.
Certainly if I am so grateful for all the things that I am bitter and angry and irritable and IRRATIONAL about than I am RIGHT....RIGHT???

He erased the quote last week.

Anyhow, here I am this morning thinking about all these things.
I am a mess; a horrendous mess hidden behind a smile, a good deed done for another; alas, i am

a functioning disaster.

I would rather be curled up in my closet with a bottle of jack.

i bought the jack,
now i am just working up the nerve
to befriend it.
i know where this path leads.
why cant my temptation
be to plant flowers
and paint rainbows?

moving on:
family wedding tonight.
actually family wedding this morning.

i am not there.

it's a temple wedding,
they frown upon
showing up to those hungover.

no, i am not hungover,

but in my head i wish i was.
the sin is done in the mind, in the heart.

i am pretty certain that beyond the life circumstances i am struggling with---...
that i have a physical hormone imbalance due to some tumor like growths [AGAIN :( ]
tumors like to mess with me from time to time.

thus reading/listening/talking to me should be done with caution right now.
this WILL pass, and when i have a rational thought again [PHEWWWW] ...i will look back upon this and not even recognize the person with these feelings.

in the meantime
the MEAN time, as those around me would
tell this cautionary tale...

I don't know what I feel,
I don't know why,
I have plenty of reasons to take a break for a bit
I have plenty of reasons not to.

I am extremely grateful for the abundance of blessing in my life.
I feel quite spoiled to be honest with you.
The past has plenty of things that frankly suck.
But mingled in with those moments of terror
are happiness and joy and laughter.

The moments of terror are my past,
not my today,
not my future.

I decide now....
and taking all that has happened recently
in stride
I will pull through this moment of darkness,
I just need to feel what I am feeling, in this moment.

when i let go of bitter,
will i be better?

mountains into mole hills

enlightenment as i climb...

a while back my boys helped my grandfather to set off some bombs in his garden to deal with some pesky pets.

hmmmm [memory here],
it was the most interesting of summer days.

i think grandpa was as excited...maybe more....as the boys and he scampered off to the garden to blow up ...ahem, ...stuff!


anyhow, i have been thinking of all the mountains i create out of daily mole hills.

it seems that moles [in life] are consistent and CONSTANT in making their presence known. from the irritating opinion of a well-intended friend or family member to the irrational commentary too often offered, and of course the media and subliminal expectation of perfection advertised incessantly... dirt brought to the surface...for a purpose?

the one i struggle the most with is the voice inside my head,

which takes all this aforementioned input and grows it,
to full bloom.

it seems that i have accessed way too much fertilizer to keep those thoughts and ponderings healthy and growing.

yet... set aside what said fertilizer really is....poop.
what is the point of poop?
it's waste.

as such thoughts present,
WASTE should really
NOT
be used
to grow these
irritating opinion
and irrational commentary



fact: i spend way to much time
considering and giving power
to anothers opinion of me.

really....a WASTE of time.

insert wisdom here:

I AM GOOD ENOUGH

I am not restricted by old,
limiting beliefs from
my family, my friends, or from society.


Nobody can make you feel inferior
without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt

No one can create negativity or stress within you.

Only you can do that by virtue of how you process your world.

No one can depress you.

No one can make you anxious.

No one can hurt your feelings.

No one can make you anything other that what you allow inside.


None of these are tried and tested, none proven [by me...yet],
and if I had scientifically tested these theory's,

they would still be theory,
theory: aka...my opinion.

However I believe each statement can be used to re-write the brains wrong.
Repeat daily, until re-wiring [righting] is effective and enough to empower the combatant of input [wrongs], also known as: daily tortures used to self-inflict beliefs that you are less than another, because you give another person power in their opinion.

WISDOM: Success is an inside job!

Being relaxed, at peace with yourself, confident, and emotionally neutral
---these are the keys to successful performance in almost everything you do.

If you want to find a deeper meaning in your life,
you can not find it in the OPINIONS

or the beLIEfs

that have been handed to you.

You have to go to that place within yourself.

Look for the meaning of YOUR life
withing YOURself!

Why I have ever given up
resident expert
to another person or persons is beyond me!

Resident expert is as said....resident.
The only resident of me is ME.


I decide what I allow in.
I decide what I process, and ponder, and keep.
I decide what I discard...[what is poop].
I decide what to grow.

WISDOM:

The person looking back at you
in the mirror is the
ONLY
one you have to answer to
every day.

so, back to mountains and mole hills. mole hills are created by moles...little well-intended furry creatures whose life's work is to incite rage and despair in gardeners, to cause havoc to the growth of potential nourishment.

innocently these little furry creatures are only doing what is best for their survival.

yet what they do is underground...in the dark.
moles; there is reason in the rhyme...making mountains out of mole hills...rather; be a mole, or climb a mountain...

moles are scrounge animals
and their work is viral to the gardeners garden.

...similarily are others well- [??] intended meddling and commentary...

[and i have been really troubled with the assumptions and the processing of others...havoc.]

i had forgotten this simple statement, this WISDOM:

...set aside the bad opinions....

One of the HIGHEST places you can get to
is to be
INDEPENDENT
of the GOOD OPINIONS
of other people.


...forget what others think GOOD
or BAD
of you...

What other people
think of me
is NONE of my business.


may i reap...only what i plant.

and further...may i use the fertilizer
[of lessons, of past experiences, of trials and errors]
to grow useful thoughts and ponderings;
healthy nourishment for my soul.

the rest is just...waste!

Big or little, mountain or mole hill. Doesn't matter.

What matters is within me;
my opinion, my belief.

so, these wisdoms, are my BOMBS....watch out little well-intended moles.

I have a mountain to climb.

Selena Gomez & The Scene - Who Says

.You made me insecure,
Told me I wasn't good enough.
But who are you to judge,
When you're a diamond in the rough.
I'm sure you got somethings,
You'd like to change about yourself.
But when it comes to me,
I wouldn't wanna be anybody else.


You've got every right,
To a beautiful life.
Come on!

Who says,
Who says you're not perfect,
Who says you're not worth it,
Who says you're the only one that's hurting,
Trust me,
That's the price of beauty,
Who says you're not pretty,
Who says your not beautiful,
Who says?

.I'm just beautiful me.

chEeRfuL is a cHoicE

checking in....
i have been really irritated...angry
and likely very difficult to be around.

in fact i may need a caution cone to wear as a hat.
[i think i said that somewhere before.]

someone said...ahem, ....that making a dayS goal was not ideal...it is definitely a ONE day at a time process....
[you were right. enjoy the glory....i don't often admit to being wrong....boo :( ]

generally, in truth to my nature...
when i make such a bold statement
i end up doing the EXACT opposite.
[something i am learning about myself]


I don't think I do it on purpose,
it just seems I allow myself to be jinxed.
over confident maybe...???

I can recall so many meetings with my bishop and other clergy saying WOW...I HAVE OVERCOME THIS...or THAT....and really feeling like it will NEVER be a problem for me again.

I feel the door hit me on the way out and I am immediately heading in the wrong direction, or at least headed down the road that I least expect....and most expect will find me stirring up trouble.

damn temptation
....arrrggghhhh WEAKNESS

ANyhoW, i am NOT being hard on myself....just recognizing that whatever it is I am dealing with and going through right now is REAL, and HARD, and MAXIMUM GROWTH POTENTIAL is right around the corner, ....i think. [i hope]


FACT: i have never experienced such ANGER.

RAGE....irrationality.

...it's insane, or maybe I am.

in general I am working on myself.

CHEERFUL IS A CHOICE!!!

I am working on Step 4: TRUTH ...although I have NOT mastered step 1: honesty....or step 3: TRUST in GOD. I feel a little better with step 2: HOPE.

this MORAL INVENTORY is kicking my butt.....and i am CHOOSING to be a pain in the BUTT...poor people around me.

The only step I am really good at is
step 13: REPEAT!!!
I have to be,
being I repeat the error of my ways so often.

Anyhow....i blogged a pretty cool rhetoric regarding my recent GRADUATION...suCceSs....i accomplished an associates degree in the meantime!

I haven't completely quit!!! ...on me.

or anything else for that matter.
i am working on being sober....
completely clean?

...just keep trying,
choose to be cheerful,
choose to recover,
choose!