come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, December 1, 2008


I started a new school, again. I made a couple of friends. I just hung out with them, watching, listening, observing.

How would it be to be just a kid...?

To just be a kid. I would never know. I had never known. I loved being included and it was fun to be with kids my age.

But who was I???, I really didn’t know.

I made a good friend. She was fun and always made sure that I was included with her friends. She was there, day in and day out that year. She treated me like I had always been her friend. I was really starting to have a good time. I even had a boyfriend. I was in the eleventh grade, my boyfriend was 26. But he was really nice to me. He never touched me or tried anything. In fact, when I made him touch me once he never called me again. Oh well, I said, he is not normal. All men usually want is sex, so not worth it.

The summer came and my friend left for a while. That was okay because another girl lived down the street and we spent every day together. Now I had two really great friends. Things were going really well.

Then it happened, my baby sister came to me and told me something that destroyed my world. I will remember it to be the worst day of all my life. Yes, truly the worst, worse than all I had been through, was going through, worse.

She told me he was touching her. She told me he was touching her in her private places. I had always told her it was never okay to let anyone touch her, so she was telling me that he was touching her where it was never okay to let someone touch her.

I have never to this day cried as hard as I did that day. The day he started to hurt my baby sister. Hadn’t I done enough for him? Wasn’t I enough?

Why couldn’t he just have left her alone? I would have, I did do anything and everything I could to keep him from hurting her. I would have forever if he would have just left her alone. I went to my friend Martins house that night. I was out of my mind. But I didn’t tell him that. I would have slept with him, but my mother called. I was past curfew. I needed to come right home. She demanded that.

I didn’t go right home. I went to my girlfriends house. I told her. I told her everything. We should call the police, she said. We should tell her parents, she said. But I had not really told her everything. I knew if I really told, he would kill me.

He would put that gun to my head with a bullet this time and he would really kill me. He would kill my sister. He would kill my brothers. I knew he would. He could kill with his bare hands. He was a Navy Seal and that was what he would do.

Some of the worst that I never shared was in those moments, when he held me down, with a gun to my head and told me that if I ever told, he would kill me. Even years from now, he would find me. I would be asleep in my bed, I might have a daughter, he would say. HE would do things to her first, he would kill her first, he would come after me. I could never hide. He makes things disappear. He makes people disappear. I would be one of the things he would make disappear. I could never sleep. If I did, that would be when. So I could never tell, my life, my future, my baby sister, anyone I cared about would pay if I did.

No, I had to go home and tell my mother. I finally had to tell her. She would make it right. Everything would be okay.


jumpinginpuddles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jumpinginpuddles said...

Sorry that was me deleteing for yet more spelling mistakes bleh here is what we wrote

held down and humiliated is how they destroy you, well done for getting up and being willing to share,,,,,,,,, we look forward to learning more about you, thankyou for letting us know you were reading

Shadow said...

manipulation, control, through fear... taking, so much, without thought... hugs!

1427.17 said...

innocence destroyed, peace removed, calm no longer....
how to take it back from that wicked?

Gabriella Moonlight said...

How to take that back for me has been to breathe and allow the feelings and let them go. It's hard, but it has been worth the work. I am thinking of you and sending you many warm and heartfelt thoughts!

Many hugs,

April_optimist said...

Oh, how I wish I could go back in time and shoot him before he could do that to you and to your sister!

Did your mother listen? Did she help? (Mine tried to convince me I was crazy and should kill myself before anyone found out how crazy I was and I got locked up for the rest of my life.)

I hope you are able to honor your strength and courage--in surviving and in trying to protect your sister.

mile191 said...

april. that was a really profound thought. "i hope you are able to honor your strength and courage---in surviving and in trying to protect your sister."

I have never thought of it that way. That I have come this far, and it really is about honoring the strength and courage I had in the past to continue to move forward.

I appreciate that.

No my mother didn't help, she listened and then told me to go to bed. Then I got the it was your fault, anything that happened to you you brought on yourself. And then she abandoned me. Oh, wait...that is the next part of my writing....i need to get to that...

thanks for asking, and for being interested.

all of you mean a lot to me, that you will read the worst things about me and still come back to help me stay on my two feet, and off the bottle.

love and hugs to you. after a nap, i will try to post the next part.

oh, i agree totally with you, shadow, manipulation, at its best. it was awful, but that is how they work...we all know..

thanks 1427 for being here, and for knowing the worst about me and still loving me. unbelievable. i thought telling these things to anyone would turn me into a pillar of dust, and i haven't, nor have the tears melted me away....strange the strength I feel just TELLING. But even more incredible is the feeling that I am beginning to be okay with being me. I think, if you all like me, and you know this stuff, than I must not be all that bad. I don't seem to be getting down so easily. Although I am keeping a doctors appointment for this week...I NEVER get help, (i.e. professional of any kind, another thing I fake). And for once I am going to speak up, and get some help for me to over come and to feel better physically. I just don't want to be so crazy feeling ALL the time, and wishing I could just have ONE drink, just one...

Gabriella. i love the idea to breath, meditate and let it go. this is my letting go space, but so far I haven't really been doing that very well....i need to breathe. thank you for reminding me.

i am glad that you are here. and hello to jumping in puddles. looking forward to getting to know you. i love jumping in puddles. great name. and makes me smile.

take care everyone. hugs, safe hugs, as amy says (((()))) and ♥

Anonymous said...

You keep saying thanks for loving me even though you know the worst about me. It HAPPENED to you, but YOU DID NOT DO IT. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are a loving child of God, and I love you, and I am so sorry for what happened to you. I am so glad you are here.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191