come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

stolen innocence

My mother worked a lot of hours, so we were home alone or with my stepfather a lot.

It was a typical afternoon for me to spend time in his bedroom. I think this is when I first noticed that he was also spending time with my sister. When I asked him about it he would say he was helping her with homework, that he didn’t love her at all like he did me and that she was not his type.

Yeah right. Any underage girl was of his liking.

I remember the summers there were so hot. We were all required to run around the block for exercise. We had chores to do and always something was not done right, we paid a heavy price.

We lived by a Seven Eleven and often it was our job to go get them Big Gulps. We would have to walk there and back in very hot temperatures. Sometimes not being allowed to have a drink of water until we returned with their drinks. And if we dared to have a sip of their drink there would be hell to pay for it.
I remember one particularly hot day when my sister and I went for drinks. I passed out on the way home from the 7-11. My sister caught my fall, but they did not believe us when we told them. Only that it really wasn’t that hot. We did learn to outsmart them a little. We would drink from the rim before we put the lids on.

It felt really good to be bad once in a while.

By now I was getting exposed to alcohol.  He would give me alcohol so he could do things to me.  At first he would put it in drinks and I thought it had a funny taste.  I was just a kid - I didn't really get what or why he was doing these things.  He was the adult and I was suppose to trust adults.  Besides, if I questioned him there was heck to pay.  It was never good heck.

He would put stuff in my drinks and then make me give him oral sex. 

I remember all the double standards taught. Do what I say not as I do. Hypocritical bull crap.  I would have been beat if I had done any of these things outside of his abusing me.

He would buy candy and clothing and I could earn it if I did him really good. There was always something he could hold from me until he got what he wanted.

My moods changed constantly and then I would be in even more trouble with my mother.

I remember one time he paid me five dollars for something and then my mother said someone stole it. She made us all sit on the couch while they searched our rooms. When he found the money, she started to scream at me, pull my hair and dragged me down the street screaming to the neighbors that I was a thief and a liar.

I wasn’t the thief or the liar in our home. He was the only one who took things. The things he took from me I can never have back. What he stole daily was my innocence.

What he stole was my childhood. And my mom allowed it to happen to her children, her daughters, and then pretended, LIED, that we were this happy "normal" family.


Amysplash said...

awww mile i so understand even today no one gives anything just for the sake of giving just cuz it makes them feel good to give something they always want something in reaturn i so know this your step father and my father are both manipulitive i am so sorry these things happend to you my sweet friend thank God tho we are older and they can never happen again big huge masive safe hugs hee hee love amy

AlkySeltzer said...

Girl, you have SO MUCH to unload, and you are doing that right here. Where ever you see fit to do it, among friends...well, DO-IT (one of my favorite four-letter words).

ALSO, (don't forget, you can "reject" these comments, if you turn on 'moderation) when you are ready--now, or next May, or whwnever!) feel free to Email

...I will give you Prayer Girl's address--or maybe you have that. I (my opinion! yeah!) believe you need more communication than can be put on 'comment'. Whatever, there are lots of us praying for you today, tomorrow, and every day. You are 'special' OK? (Actually, we all are 'special'! So long, for now.


AlkySeltzer said...

Ya know what REALLY got me? Well here it IS, I hope it does not hurt too much for you to see it again:

"Monday, November 17, 2008

come into my closet,
come under my bed,
where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past,
now, where do i start,
making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken,
falling fast-
needing comfort,
make it last."

And, you know, these words are etched in the very Mind of God, as His Own sweet tears mingle with those who want so much, to be here for you now......

These are holidays, many people are HAPPY, HAPPY! And they drink to cheer their families, friends, themselves. But we do NOT--for we remember what THAT will do to us. I cannot have ONE. One is too many, a thousand is not enough.

Write as often as you wish, dear lady, let us keep knowing how you are, and I pray you have a bit of PEACE somewhere in your life today.

mile191 said...

thank you. today i cry. thinking about all the beautiful people out there. too many who understand me because they have gone through so much. so many who have gone through worse. i am here for you too. thanks for knowing the worst things about me and for liking me anyways. to all of you. ♥ and thanks.


Thank God you have found those of us in the blogging community who can reach out to you in love, support, and as much understanding as we're capable of.

We are just little pieces of God's love (as imperfect as we may be) being shared with you.

Should you want to contact me, you can do so at
If not, we'll do just fine communicating through our comments.

Prayers being sent your way,
Prayer Girl

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191