come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

being nothing

Life went on. My mother came back into my life on one level when I had my first surgery for a fibroid tumor. She was here for me but more for herself. She seemed concerned but it is easy to be when you are circled in the arms of all who were caring for me in my life.

She was here to be a part of that, for the attention she could have for herself.

She should have stayed gone.

After her return home, I continued dating and fell in love with my husband. My mother again came to the wedding.


My wedding. What can I say? I am glad that I married, but more about that day is worthy to be forgotten.

I had hopes for the fairy tale; take me from my pain, beginning of a new chapter. Little did I know what the next chapter would involve.

I really enjoyed my younger sister coming to the wedding. It had been so long since I had seen her.


I remember that everything was to be left unsaid, as if life before now should be left forgotten. But the pain hiding behind her smile tore me up inside. She was still living a nightmare of her own, and I was no longer able to save her from it, being so far away.

My sister, what can I say. I do not know what it was like for her to be taken away, to have to meet up with the abuser and live more years with him.


It was as if all I had said to my mother did not matter. My sister assures me he never touched her again, but her hell was not over, it was just a different kind of hell.

I know that the terror of his existence is enough, and knowing that he knew, that he had every ability to hurt, kill or maim you was a threat, a daily threat.

He continued to hurt her in other ways, and he hurt my brothers; humiliation, manipulation, emotional and mental abuse. Being raised by that man made you feel as though you were nothing.

2 comments:

steveroni said...

Mile, as an observer of the human condition, you are one of the leaders. IMO that is what constitutes good writing, an ability to communicate thoughts, feelings, events, and humanity in all its beauty and/or ugliness.

Your writing is so believable, so honestly presented--it gives the impression you are peering at yourself from without. And all those memories are rushing, gushing through your thought crevasses, flooding the valleys of your mind and soul.

Whatever one day you decide which form your creation will take, I am SO certain that God will show you what are His wishes for you to make it available to the world. You will one day help so many others who are reluctant (MEANING: hovering, cowering, midst complete fear in their private closets). I hope I live to see some of that good take place out from your work.

A "Best Seller"--in my book!

You are such a beautiful person, I am sure you'll find your way to a goal as worthy as becomes you.

Suffering must have a reason, or why was it?
Love,
Steve

Cat said...

I have alot more to read, I was poking around your pages today...
and what I knew about you all along I still know and admire.

You have come through so much, been so strong and survived. I will be back to read more later this week because now I want to know more...

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191