come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

"it will all be okay in the morning"

No, I said, no police. I will go home and tell my mom.

I called. Mom, I have something to tell you. He was on the other line. What is it?, they say. I will tell mom when I get home. I want him to leave. I tell her I wont come home until he leaves. What is wrong? he says. You know, I tell him. I am going to tell what you have been doing. I haven’t done anything. I say, I wont come home until he leaves. Okay, so he will leave. Bear walks me home.

I know now that had I walked home alone, I would be dead, or missing, but I would never be able to tell, I would have no end to my story. I would still be living it. He chased Bear home that night, if he couldn’t get me it would be her, then he could come back for me.

That was how he was. She made it home, somehow, she flew through the door, locked it, and he was right there...at the door, trying the nob...she was safe. but what if...

I toldl my mother everything. It is all true. What happened to my friend and me. He started touching my baby sister.

She says to me that whatever happened I must have brought it on my self. He wouldn’t do that, he is my daddy. Why am I telling her these things, these lies. How can any of these horrible things be true. I would have known, she says.

I would have noticed something. Like the times you were in bed with us while we were having sex. I would have noticed him touching you. I would have noticed if my own daughter was pregnant. Of course, if any of this were true, I would have known. She reminds me that I have always been a liar, this is just another one of my lies, a lie so I wont get in trouble for missing curfew.

Then everything changes, the look in her eyes.. suddenly she becomes kind, "go to bed dear. It will all be okay in the morning."

She says she will figure something out. I sleep. For the first time in nine years I go to bed without him touching me.








The next day is the beginning of a new route for me. How could I have known where this road would lead? I was trusting my mother, I was hoping and dreaming things would finally be better for us. She is trying to explain to my brothers and sisters where their daddy is.

It is my fault, of course, I made him go away, but it will all be okay, because she has a plan.



I needed to move out, because everyone was so angry that I had made their daddy go away. They all hated me. It wasn’t safe for me to live with them, she said.

It would only be for a while. She would find a place close by. Could I move in with my friends.

I moved to a friends house, then in a few weeks to another.

I called my mom, I had to go home for the weekend, the family would be going camping and waterskiing, which my mother would never allow to do. Mommy, could I come home please, just for the weekend. I miss everyone, I ask her.

No, go ahead and go with them, it would be too hard to have you come home. This is what my mom said to me. Have a good time, she says.



It was a great weekend. I had never been camping or on a boat. This was a lot of fun. Do people really do things like this?, I had always wondered. I couldn’t believe how nice my friends family was to me. Especially her dad. He was a lot of fun and he was kind to me. And I wasn't scared of him. What a thing. Dad's who are fun, funny, and nice. WOW.

It was a great weekend. I couldn’t wait to go home and tell my mom thanks, it really was so much fun.

We got home on Sunday night. I went to my house and used the key to go inside. Something was different, something had changed. The house was empty.

9 comments:

~ Tabitha ~ said...

well...I'm grateful to read you are on a new journey.No amount of abuse can take away our rights to heal.Thank you for sharing this.
You've got a strong spirit.

PRAYER GIRL said...

I can only imagine what you felt when you opened that door and found the house empty.

No one should have to experience this. You did not deserve any of what you describe.

Keep letting it out. We're here to listen.

Keep "Hope" for a better tomorrow.

Love you and prayers going your way,
Prayer Girl

steveroni said...

Hello, Hope!
I hope you still do not mind when I call you "Hope"...because that is one of my many good wishes for you. Hope that writing your "book" for us will be the start of minimizing the terrible memories of the past.

I sincerely hope that some of those memories can--even if slowly--be replaced by warm, loving memories of now, and future experiences.

And I hope that blogging will help you in this healing process...for it IS a process, a systematic climb to a life, up to now foreign to you.

I remember you fondly--daily--in a prayerful manner, and pray God to extend His all-Merciful graces to you now, and after now.

You are teaching me--us--a lot, by your blogging, your honesty, your spirit, how you dealt with adversities, and the courage and strength you are revealing to us...as you climb out of the abyss.

Love,
steveroni, husband of Prayer girl.

mile191 said...

thank you all so much. i never expected that i would find the support that i am getting here.

i am looking for a therapist, but nothing will ever come close to the kindness that i am experiencing here as you read and give me such love and support.

i do have HOPE. yes, thank you, i do.

i didn't when i started this. it was out of desperation, and tears. and i sat down, created the account, wrote that poem, and cried the rest of the day.

everything felt dark, and lonely. nothing could feel worse, i thought. and i had been through a lot.

broken, despair, just complete giving in finally to the pain.

and not giving in to the alcohol, or anything else that would take it away, for i have come to know the temporary happy leaves me raw and in worse despair.

so thanks. i am finding my way out of the darkness, and you all are part of my healing now, my journey.

i feel like you all deserve an award, something not invented yet. something really cool.

all i have to give you is my thanks, and in my prayers, i hope that you feel my gratitude, a hug, and a moment when you KNOW that i thank you. i pray He will let you know, with some comfort to you in all that you are all going through. a warm feeling of love.

and this ♥ to say...love and thanks. my husband thanks you too, and if my kids knew...they would thank you. they want their mommy back, and she has not been the mommy they knew since i began this journey accepting my past and leaving it there so that i can embrace the future.

thanks!

Shadow said...

you have an incredible amount of strength in you...

Clueless said...

@mile 191. I know that this really doesn't belong here, but I wanted to get a message to you.

One thank you for sharing your life. It is helpful to me.

Thank you for following me to my blog that means a lot.

Did you know that http://ClinicallyClueless.blogspot.com is my main blog. Some of the more artistic things from Clueless go onto Courageous, but Clueless is updated almost everyday.

Take care,
CC

PRAYER GIRL said...

Hope,
You will come to know someday that those who give end up getting more than they are ever able to give.

God is good and I can tell that he is "in charge" and guiding you.

If you keep doing the work, painful as it may be, God will bring the relief and growth you seek.

Love you,
Prayer Girl

Faith Hoffen said...

Mile 191 thank you for sharing your struggles and hope with us. I too am struggling. But I have hope as well.

Hang in there. Things will get better. It sounds like you really love your children; they need you.

Faith

Tamara (TC) said...

(((((Mile 191)))))

I am so sorry for all of your experiences and all of your pain. No child should ever have to deal with any of that. It is good you are writing it and telling your story so that others can help support you. You are now with a group of people that understand, care and will be here for you. The healing journey is a very difficult road but so worth it in the end. Hang in there. Keep writing and sharing. You are strong enough to make it this far. Keep going.

Many hugs,
Tamara

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191