come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Mile 191; the jOuRNey cOnTiNUEs...

Truth is we all have a lot to experience.

We all have pain and suffering. Some worse than others. Many worse than I; I am sure. And I have stopped asking why.

I even say I would take the very worst day of my abusive childhood over and over, to have what I enjoy now. I get to raise four of the most wonderful, beautiful, sweet children I have ever known.

I have a loving, kind, tender, understanding husband. We have a bounty of family support and love of our neighbors and friends.

I have on occasion shared my experiences with others and have been blessed to have them be so understanding and supportive. So I have to ask what is making it so difficult for me to move past this pot hole in the road. Why can I not make it to my next horizon?

I don’t trust myself.

I feel inadequate to be a mother to my children.

I often cringe when my husband kisses me.

I feel like I am going out of my mind. I dream the most horrific of circumstances.

I fear everything.

I won't be able to protect my own children from the tangles of abuse, and other horrible events of our world today. It consumes me. The effects of abuse do not end; especially for me. And I have never confronted my abuser.


Shadow said...

the fears. everpresent it seems. but may i wish you peace and joy, even if just for today...

LulaBelle said...

I have found that some of the effects never go away, but they do lessen with time. You're surrounded by good things, things you deserve. Never forget that.

cornnut32 said...

i go through ups and downs. one day...i can't stand my husband to touch me at all. the next, he can't touch me enough...even hour by hour it changes.

it sounds like your husband is loving and supportive. how lucky we are to have such strong men to boost us up.


You ask what is making it so difficult to move past the pot hole in the road. Maybe because the pot hole is really a huge chasm. And it is God who will lift you up on angels' wings and fly you over that chasm to the next horizon. Trust that in His perfect time that will happen.

You may not trust yourself, but you can trust God.
I often feel inadequate to be a mother to my children, but I still just keep on doing the best I can and asking God to help me.
Ask God to help you cringe less and kiss more.
Only God can lessen the horror of the dreams. We are powerless.
God can protect our children. I pray for them always. I am powerless.
Love you, mile 191.
Prayer Girl

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191