come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Unwanted and Alone

One thing in particular was that I remember being sick a lot as a child. My mother was always taking me to the doctor. My heart was bad, my brother had asthma, and so a good portion of what I can remember is that early on I spent a lot of time in the hospital. I remember being very father would sometimes stop by. I am hopeful that mom maybe wanted to but with the four other children was limited in those days. The nurses kept me by their station. I would see other mothers and fathers come to visit; but not mine. Days would pass it seemed and I would be alone. I would dream that I went home and would be standing in the hall with white sheets wrapped around me and my mom would scream at me to go back to the hospital; she didn’t want me. It was obvious even to such a young girl.

I remember her telling me and writing it in my Book of Remembrance that she never knew that she really loved me until the time I nearly died. I had croup and stopped breathing. She took me to the hospital and shares with me that when she thought I would die she realized that she loved me. It was as if my existence in her life created problems for her. I was only seven years old by this time.

What could a child so young have done so wrong to not deserve a mothers love?

1 comment:

Marj aka Thriver said...

I've asked myself that same question a million times. Some questions just don't have logical answers.

Thanks for visiting my blog. I'm quite a bit behind in the blogosphere, but I'm trying to catch up and I thought I'd at least come visit your blog.

(((((((Only safe hugs))))))

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191