it's the climb

i just got home from a long drive. thank you each for your sweet tender and supportive comments on my behalf regarding my pain and grieving. last night i went to bed weeping, but hoping that i could sleep and with the rest that i would awaken with renewed strength. this morning i woke feeling at least rested.

after a peaceful refreshing shower i knelt to pray and found myself passing along a happy birthday to my grandmother. i wanted to blow candles out for her and make a wish, and it seemed in my mind that i knew exactly what she would wish for. i gathered the children and we did just that. i sang with them..."happy birthday dear grandma" and as i felt the tears wetting my cheeks i listened to my cheerful children finish the song. they seemed delighted at the idea that they could blow out a candle and make a wish on someone elses birthday. a bonus for sure!!!


my wish i can not tell, but it wasn't for me. it was for my grandpa, for my aunts, and my uncle, my mom, my cousins, my siblings, my children.

then as i drove my son up the canyon for a day of skiing i enjoyed listening to his chatter with friends, they are so full of love and life and hope and laughter. miley cyrus' song the climb came on the radio. [pretty sure i posted this song before. i have an appreciation for all it says]

for sure i thought i would have to change the station because i was driving 15 year old boys...hanah montana would be a downer for sure, ...to my surprise one of the boys started talking her up..."she is so awesome, turn up the radio". WHAT???

YEAH for me. i love this song...i listened to the lyrics as i was driving/climbing the canyon, to reach the destination that would bring these boys a day of sheer fun and pleasure.

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

in this first verse i heard my heart literally breaking open, i feel this, i understand this with absolute testimony... can i...will i make it,

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

we all have to lose, it is in the losing that we find strength in what we realize we still have.

it amazed me to read your comments to my turmoil last night. i could hear in each of you that you know this battle that i am challenged with, you have all experienced loss, and pain, ...mountains. ...and you choose to be here for me, and for each other. you take chances....

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

i began to think about what i was leaving behind, as i was driving up the canyon, ...leaving the smog of the valley, what was behind me didn't matter so much, i had to keep my eyes on the road ahead, to safely meet my destination.

i thought of the rear-view mirrow, it is so small, and it is important to see what is behind you, but the windshield in all it's magnificant size is what is really vitally important, in reaching any new destination...if i were to have focused solely on the rear-view mirror i would surely have destruction in my future. not to mention my precious cargo.

i took my time, i drove with precaution, the speed i was comfortable, glancing from time to time in the rear-view mirror, but focusing on where i was headed, what was in front of me.

..Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on.

yeah, i had a battle last night, a battle of emotion, of battle of grieving the loss of a person who certainly was VIP in my life, maybe even one of the most important people in creating who i am today. a person who pushed me beyond my own limits, pushed me when i thought i couldn't be any stronger, pushed me out of bed when all i wanted was to die under the covers, pushed me to be better than i thought i was. a person who taught me that in my very least i could hold my head high....and know that i was loved, know that i had value, and that i had ability,

and most of all, she taught me that being me wasn't enough,
discovering who i am meant to be was.

[thank you Grandma]

I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

the drive today was good. i got the boys to their destination. i thankfully realized right then that this reality is exactly what every day of my life is about. my choices, my focus, my being able to put the past behind me and focusing on what is in front, where i am headed, is the only way that i can climb, the only way i can be assured that my precious cargo, my loved ones, will safely make it, together...

i had brought myself some tissues in the pocket of my sweater because i had told myself that i could have a good cry on the way home. the tissues in the pocket of my sweater [there just the way my grandma would have had] are still in my pocket. i think i will save them for another day, another time.

today....i plan to find someone to help, something good, something she would have done, and i plan to smile, because she would have. that is what she would have wanted from me. i can feel her pushing me, almost annoyed that i would waste so much time and thought in grieving her. that i would waste the energy i have been given, when i can be doing so much good elsewhere.

i am certain she is not moping around. sure she misses us all too, but she is busy, actively engaged in doing good works. she is probably holding all the babies...moments before they are placed in mothers arms, she is probably teaching and greeting and comforting others. ....for sure she whispered in my ear her wish to me.

"Move on dear,
do good,
and be of good cheer.
You have a work to be done,
now get to work."

Keep on moving,
keep climbing
Keep the faith,

it's all about the climb

broken and lonely

i thought i was going to be okay …i have been so positive, and maintained a mind over matter happy day attitude ..so how come tonight i am freaking out inside. my sensibility tells me to hold it together. no one round me should have to deal with the pain and torture that i am feeling inside. i have been cheerful, i have been pleasant, i have been strong. i have worked, stayed busy, served, loved, cheered….yet tonight i feel darkness and pain and anger and torment taking over my insides out. all is well, i keep telling myself that, yet i can not help but feel there is a flood of tears behind the dam of my eyelids. i breathe. i pray. i pretend, and the frayed rope that i have been clinging to is coming to an end…it is stretched and at the end of its strength. tonight there is nothing left. tomorrow is my late grandmothers birthday. i have prepared to celebrate in doing good deeds, doing things that would honor her life, finished off by a huge bowl of rocky road ice cream put away with her favorite ice cream eating spoon that was gifted to me when she could no longer tolerate eating it. she had asked me to feed her ice cream until she died, and i tried my best to fulfill her wish. last year i finished off her final half gallon of rocky road topped with my tears. i miss her. i thought i could go into January loving it as much as she did, but i don’t know if January's end will find me fulfilling her legacy. i miss her....

Happy Holidays!

It's been a while.....

I find it frustrating that living life
makes it too busy to blog about it! [hehehe, smile]

However I am repenting my ways and will be back, ...just not until the beginning of January. I have something I get to do, something that involves my daughter and my little sister, and I am thrilled to have the opportunity. It will keep me away, yet if I have the time or chance I will check in.


Thank you all so much for watching over me.

Mike at Rambling Stuff AKA Golch Central

gave me this award...

THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

His dilemma is now mine.
I have to pass it along to 5 deserving people.
I can think of so many many more as well.



I have so many people here
who have truly watched over me.
I have good thoughts and vibes toward you,
and include you in my prayers.

Yes, I do.

so, for now....I thank you all

And I ask that you take this award
and pass it along to your angels.

My friend Marj passed along a greeting.
...a Christmas Card Gift of Gratitude!

Marj aka Thriver
is someone who has taught me that
SURVIVORS CAN THRIVE.

Thank you for your friendship.
Thank you for your example.
Thank you for your cheer!

I wrote this on my family blog yesterday:

The past few weeks have been full of painting, cleaning, new carpet, remodeling, FINALS for me, and Christmas preparation....and as I took my first bubble bath in the tub
Friday evening
I lay there with gratitude,
knowing that
my life....is perfect.....for me.

My trials are perfect,
my pains are perfect,
my past is perfect,
my present is perfect.


And while none of these things have any element of perfection..
...they fit me just right.
They may not be the size I wish they were,
....who wouldn't want to be a PERFECT 2..

...however, they are just right for me,
cozy, pleasant, fitting.

My trials do FIT me. I don't always like the way they fit. I don't always feel comfortable going out in public with them. I sometimes wish I could have gotten my trials from a different store....the brand doesn't seem right for me.

Yet, I have faith that my trials are perfect for me.

...that I will grow into them.

...that I will someday see
the beauty in them.

...that I will be able to do
what I am meant to with them.


I have hope, and Peace,

...and sometimes I have happiness...in them.

I feel to say that I am content,

...for now.

I know that the pain will rear its uglyness from time to time, but I have YOU all now.

I have you to walk with me,
and to remind me that
I have someone else
who walks with me....

I have my Savior.
Jesus Christ.
He loves me
and He loves you.
He said He would never leave us.
I believe He never has.

I know He lives.
I know He knows our pains.
He can not remove our trials from us,
but He has made us equal to them,
and He can strengthen
and comfort us in them.

At this time of year may you have JOY.

Remembering that JOY
comes from remembering JESUS first,
then OTHERS,
then YOURSELF!!!!!

see here what I mean:

Jesus
Others
Yourself!!!

Thank you for being those OTHERS
who care enough to be ANGELS to watch over,
....and to direct,
those of us who ache
and struggle and fall...to the helps that we need.

Thank you all for being the BEST YOU that you can be.

Thank you for being brave enough
to share your stories of pain
and trial and struggle,
and for being honest in sharing them.

You are all amazing people.

My hope is that you all have some PEACE, some JOY, some LOVE, and HAPPINESS in your lives this season and into the New Year.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
May you all be CONTENT!

Because we need to be reminded...

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men...

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.


They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.


They fight for what they believe in..

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.


They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.


They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.


They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.


Their hearts break when a friend dies.



They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.



They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.



Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.


They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.


The heart of a woman is what

makes the world keep turning.


They bring joy, hope and love.


They have compassion and ideas.



They give moral support to their

family and friends.


Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.


HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Be of Good Cheer

What? Good Cheer....

Sometimes the holidays bring trepidation more than cheer.
I have been busy, active, engaged in much climbing out of my pit of despair and distress.

Last I wrote my oldest son and I were having conflict....more than that.
We were in distress, despair.
I was brought to humble knees,
the need to turn myself around from the inside out.

It has been a LONG haul the past couple of weeks, and today I am smiling.

I am of better cheer.....I am working on being of Good Cheer!

I read this today:

"The daily headlines rarely fail to deliver their heavy litany of bad news.
Staggering economies and job woes.
Terrorism and War.
Tsunamis and earthquakes.
Flu pandemics and health care worries.

BROKEN HOMES AND BROKEN LIVES.

Indeed, there is darkness about.

For many, getting through the day means
navigating an obstacle course of worry and dread.
Hope can seem a vague,
even unattainable concept.

Yet, even amidst the all too real troubles of the day,
hope exists.
Despite the din of cynicism,
a spirit of optimism can,
and is, sustaining the lives of many."

As I pondered these words I had a splendid thought.
The thought was that I do have a spirit of optimism.
I believe in Good Cheer.
I have HOPE.

A long time back....
my friend here, Steveroni,
nicknamed me Hope.
I have never forgotten that.

When I hear that word I attribute it to me.
My overcoming something tremendous,
with Hope ....that I can.

My cousin sweetly sent me a letter a while ago,
and with it she sent me an Angel, and angel of HOPE, it reminds me.

Yes....I am learning that
I am Hope.

I see Hope in my children,

in their future.

I have great Hope for my

relationship with my
lovely kind husband.

I have knowledge
that I have a future

and
I see Hope now in mine;

in the future that I choose to have.

I love this song....enjoy;
and be of Good Cheer,
actively engaged in doing Good Work,
and may you have peace this season,
with Hope for a brighter future,
full of healing,
health,
love
and HOPE.

...our children are watching us
They put their trust in us
They're gonna be like us
So let's learn from our history
And do it differently


I hope
For love, joy and laughter

I hope
We'll have more than we'll ever need

I hope
We'll have more happy ever afters

I hope
We can all live more fearlessly

And we can lose all the pain and misery

I hope, I hope