on being my own worst enemy...

So I have been thinking a lot about myself, the selfish part of who I am.

I know it is a natural thing to think about so here goes:

I am my own worst enemy.

If I could just relax a bit, and be kind to myself, my husband, my kids. Just calm, that is what I am wishing for.

I watch my kids work hard doing their chores, my son baking a cake today, sitting with them at lunch;

they are great people, my people.

A conversation with my sister, where I openly stated that I am angry, hateful, onry and just in a terrible mood. My mood that makes being with myself miserable. A disturbing depression that is destructive to my being even humane. And the anxiety that causes me to not interact with others. I feel helpless in my own mind and my soul feels cancerous.

And then calling my husband today and stating that I just want to give up. I can't stand how I feel.


A couple of weeks ago I had a good friend spend literally hours with me chatting about my circumstances now and then. He read this entire blog and this was his response to me:
Much like we talked about in the early hours of the am; You're are holding yourself prisoner with the need to know, forever trying to understand that which is not understandable.

"It would take me; and may take, my whole life to figure out what and why." - Mile

Let go of the need to know, and free yourself. Don't live your life holding onto "What if", "How come", "Why". You said it most clearly and you don't even realize it "I am breaking the circle" - Mile, you have all the answers and the means to close that chapter in your life. Stop living life in "The Grey Area", close that chapter, focus on your life (What now!) strengthen that loving relationship with your husband, and enjoy the one with your kids before it is to late.

Living your life in the gray area is impossible to do you can't be in two chapters of your live at same time, the present chapter will always suffer for it and you will continue to find true happiness always just beyond reach, right at your finger tips. Repeating the cycle of the need to know always holding on to the need to know.

So, Here I am. Left with a LOT to ponder. I am thankful for friendships, my kids, my husband, my cousin, my sister, many people, and all of you who read and help me to see things that are blurry to me.

I feel a clarity and peace from your comments and support.

I need to pick myself up by my bootstraps [something i will blog about later...ie, the bootstraps] and move forward with faith to accomplish the things that I desire to do and to heal.

I know this rut that I am in is working on me to maybe be a little calmer, a little more peaceful, healed, and possibly I will better understand why feeling this way does me good. I just have to keep moving forward, and not give in to the addictions that plague me. I have to heal, I want to heal. I want to give up being my OWN WORST ENEMY. I need to heal. I want to heal.  I am.

...being broken as a child...

"This part of who I am started long ago before my husband or my children, before my circumstances now when I had very little say about who I was and how I lived. I remember her from my childhood when my mother clearly disliked me and did little to hide that fact. I would try harder, reach farther and finally when that did not work I acted as if I did not care. That is when it all began for me really, this ugly piece of myself that for whatever reason helped to protect me when I was young. But the lessons left scars as it taught me to not trust, to act out for attention because after all negative attention was better than no attention at all. It taught me that there was no comfort to be found from the arms of another and that just because a woman could give birth did not make her a mother." ---cat

Wow, this brought me a lot of feelings.
this post from cat was amazing....she began:

"I am my own worst enemy"

pondering

okay, so i have been in a rut for a while and i am dealing with being REALLY sad, like beyond just having a bad day kind of sad. The kind where nothing feels good or right and you just sit for hours not caring about anything. the worst kind of sad I have ever felt, which blows because I was feeling pretty good. this sadness means to me that something is either working really hard on me, or that nothing is working, ie, the help i have been going for. i just feel like nothing. hmmmm. i can't even really think of words to write. but i am still here, and still trying to do better each day, and that part feels okay. so i will take time to read everyone tomorrow, and go from there. thanks for being here, for reading, and for the supportive comments. i do care about you and will be by to read how you are all doing. thanks. mile 191

What is in a Word?

You see life as possibility to form deep connections with a few people.
Relationships are the center of your world, and you always take time to bond with those you love.

You are caring and giving. You enjoy helping those you love.
And when it comes to romantic love, you feel passionately ... even in a very long term relationship.

What is your Word?

being sad

i have laid in bed today for a couple of hours, not able to sleep but trying to not think. i cried too much yesterday and can't even really think of why. i don't know what i feel, i just know that i don't like me right now and i don't like how i spend my time. i waste, i hoard, i am disorganized, i am selfish. i am mad at myself, and i just want to be alone, and it feels sucky. i keep trying to pull myself out of feeling like this, i have gone back and read some stuff i posted lately and i don't like it, i don't remember why i posted it, and i pulled most of it because it feels embarrassing. what is wrong with me. i don't know. i don't feel like me right now, and i don't like it, but then again what would me feel like.
so .... a while back i posted something really pathetic and really vulnerable, and then i posted something about feeling better and knowing that you can pull out of these really depressed feelings, so i know there is hope. i just need to check in with myself i guess, and right now i feel sad.