Hey

Hey. It's been a while. I don't know what to write. What word could I write that would express the tears that I let dry on my face as I stare into space. A vast and endless darkness. I haven't stopped writing. I've just stopped sharing. Because sharing made me vulnerable and it hurt as much as it healed my heart. I'm desperately sad about some things. I just wanted to tell someone. Thanks for letting it be you. Whoever you are today. Thanks for listening.

ps. Steveroni - are you still here? I miss your hope. Love, mile191

Choices

It has been so long since I have posted anything here.

Some of my days

 I feel
a little stuck at Mile 191.

Some I am camped there:

so much has been going on.

So much growth,

and growing,

and GROWING PAINS.

I have been really holding in a lot of pains.

Trying my best.

smiling my best

 

Sometime...soon maybe...I will come here

and share some of the struggles that have kept me away.

Struggles that are so personal,

and so painful,

that even here, in my closet, I couldn't share them.

 

But TODAY

I want to SHARE this:

I believe it.

I think it is possible.

Watch the video link below and tell me what you believe,

what you think is possible.

 

 

Make it a Good Day!

At my Grandfathers house-

the saying goes

MAKE IT

a Good Day.

Good days don't just happen.

It is a choice,

and an effort.

 

 

 - Watch this video -

I believe it can change your life!

 

 

A Must-Watch For Anyone Frustrated With Growing Up

Watching this video today really exploded my heart!

♥
We are all here together,
in this life....doing all we can
"in the day to day trenches"

"Have a nice day!" 

"The most obvious and important realities

 are often the ones

 that are the hardest to see and talk about"   

and ....*choices...can have

"a life or death importance". 

define *CHOOSE: to select freely and after consideration

Really:

CHOOSE to Make it "a nice day!"

 

 

 

What I hope to consciously learn...and choose:

*it is not all about me

*my natural default settings need work

*no one is in my way

*i am not the center of the world

*people and traffic don't have to automatically annoy me

*people are just as frustrated as i am,

as lonely as i am, as sad,

and trying as hard as i am

to navigate their life

*some people have much harder,

more tedious,

more painful lives

than i could ever imagine

*it takes will

and effort to be aware of others

*choose to look differently at people

*choose to LOVE

*life doesn't have to be miserable

*it is in my power

to experience difficult situations

 as sacred opportunities

to love,

to fellowship,

and to be one with others

 experiencing their difficult situation

 

*I get to decide, to choose, how I see life, how I live life!

 

"Simple....awareness!"

good gRief?

my post an obit on a wall 
grieved with the loss of a friend of a friend. 


....today i had a little tearful sMILE with said friend.

my friend

who lost his good friend

 about a week ago. 

this friend of my good friend was a good guy living with some life baggage -- as all human beings tend to do.

this good guy had some struggles, he died after consuming one particular struggle.
anyhow,
 left behind people who loved him,
who appreciated him,
who saw all the good stuff in this guy.

but the sMILE in the story is that this good guy did something really nice for someone else about a month ago. 

this story is one to share....i wish to shout it to the world!!!  [blogger will help :) ]

 --- be kind, you can't rewind life....but you can leave a legacy behind.

it goes like this:

a young couple came into the station

where this good guy worked.

they had just had a baby

and were headed home from the hospital.

home was about an hour away.

they had to be in a

special hospital

kind of far

from "home".

the young father needed to fill up with gas.

his credit card didn't work.

something about his own life struggles.

he was in a sad sorrow,

his young baby

and baby's mother in the car waiting.

so this good guy

spent his own money

to fill up this young couples car.

he also gifted them some drinks

and munchies for the road trip home.

the young man

overwhelmed

with the generosity

of our good guy

said "i will be back to pay you".

the good guy said

"no worries,

enjoy your new baby,

it's my treat"

here we are

-- a month later,

a week since

good guys sad passing

from this world

the young man comes back

into the station,

an hour from home

asking when good guy will be at work

"will you give him this envelope?"

my good friend of the good guy

with tears in his eyes

told the young man

about his friends passing.

the young man broke

tears shed,

a hug between two strangers

both touched by the loss

which

left an emptyness

in their embrace.

but....

the envelope

inside was a bill - to pay back the debt

and a baby birth announcement

the impact of good guys kindness

will live on in the young mans son

the baby boy

middle name --

"good guy"

for in this strangers kindness

to these two young parents

trying to get home

left a legecy

baby boy "good guy" last name

i suppose the moral of this for me

is that

when you remember

the print of a person

in your life ---

at times

there

can be

found

a lot of good

among the gRief.

darkness

quick update on this post below:  he is home and safe, doesn't change any of what i felt and experienced....weird that now i just feel silly.  but those feelings of worry for a child are so real and heartfelt.  he did fall asleep watching the movie; right after the one AM -ish text, woke up confused and sad that he worried me.  with his head injury and new meds it just makes things hard...for him...and for me.



i didn't know that darkness could be so black.

in the middle of the night.
no matter how many houselights you turn on....it is still dark.

when your child is missing.

no one took him,
he went to a friends to watch a movie

last i heard

that was about 1 AM.  he texted me.

  "the movie is long mom,
we are just finishing up,
  i will be home soon"


at 1:37 AM i sent

"i am still up"

i reminded him at 2:10 that a movie can be shut off
and midnight is still when i expect him home.


i reminded him that i always wait up
for him to get home
a hug goodnight,
and it is [a good night] - when all are home---  safely tucked in


its morning now.  and still dark.

i didn't sleep.
i think i have walked a permanant path in my carpet,
from downstairs -- his room
to the upstairs front windows

looking for his car.

listening for the sounds of him coming home.

after about 2 AM my reply to him wasn't so patient
he hadn't replied

...since 1:18

i am still pacing
this early bright dark morning


JUST NOW
the phone rang -- never has my heart pounded so much


it was just a junk call

he is still missing

we live on a busy street. even in the middle of my darkest night people are coming and going.  that is a lot of sounds.  i listen -- but i know the distinct sound of my sons car, and none are his.


i usually hear his keys as he spins them on the way up to the door.
the sound of the screen, his footsteps, the key in the lock

and then straight to my room,
to say "mamma, i am home"

but not last night.
not this morning.



i have checked mugshots on the computer (not because he is a naughty 17.9 year old -- but because i don't know what else to do)

i spent time on social networks -- looking at his friends who are friends with me; we keep an eye on our kids -- i thought.


i checked his sites

-- nothing ....that would make me worry

yet i worry more


at 3 AM and 3:20 and 3:49 and 4:19 i call his number

once i left a message
my voice was shaking

i wish i hadn't left a message like that

-- i don't

 want him

to worry

about me....worrying

my last text pleaded "whatever's going on i am just worried. please...let me know you are okay"


silence....and the darkest darkness


at 5ish AM i crawl back into bed
all my senses alert,
still listening for comforting sounds


i asked mr. B if i should call hospitals
he says no...we just wait

wait


waiting



still



i lay untouched in the darkness
and feel the tears roll down my cheeks

it is an unreal feeling
so strange
different

i have

never really

paid attention

to that feeling

i feel my heart beating
not too loud
not enough to block the sounds from the street

but enough that i notice the blood rushing in one valve
and out another

my heart is broke
heavy
hurting

but it still does it's work


and so does mr. B

he finally rolls to hold me
but not before asking if he can

he never wants to startle me

 in the darkness

and tonight was darker than most

tears kept running from my eyes

silence

and tears

and my heart

i pray

i really really pray



and this time --- i feel like i am not praying for me
but only to understand God's will

i say i know we have agency
and He can not charge my son
His son
to do what we both want

only can He comfort and give peace,
and understanding

i say i know that He knows where G is
and i don't think it is fair that i don't

...i wait for Him to answer me....

but silence...the quietest silence

in the darkest darkness

just please....you (God) know where he is
please don't let him feel alone
please don't let him be suffering

but i trust that you are keeping watch
and that we will get through this ---- darkness

i keep praying and it is just for my little big G
please remind him that we love him
that no matter what we just want him content and growing

and home


that if this night is really hard
and really dark
for whatever the reason

we love him... too... and we will be here....waiting


please remind him of who he is
and give him a glimpse of who he is becoming

and keep him warm


at some point i drifted into a dream
it was me and little G
seeing his anticipation of knowing all the why's and how's and what's that's of an eager toddler

it was his birth
it was remembering how he grew inside me

and a knowledge that he now is growing

outside of me

outside of my control


i vividly remembered my surgery a couple of years ago
how terribly broken i felt to have a hysterectomy

and how this little almost grown big G crawled next to me in the hospital bed

he said to me "mom, this has to be so hard for you, they took the place you first held me"


so sensitive for a young teen boy
and so wise

and yet last night as i felt my heart working overtime i knew that i really still held him within me

it was not where i carried him that held him first.
it was my heart.


i don't know what else to do this morning.
the other children are sleeping so peacefully
i am wide awake

listening still for the sound of him coming home

it's light, the sun is up

but it feels so dark



today may be the hardest day of my life....ever
i will have to live it to find out.



i am anxious
i thought today was going to be just another day.
i planned to get more plants for the garden
the kids are out of school
we might have taken a road trip -- to visit grandpa

i need to get a blood test, making sure no bad c-cells have grown back since my last surgery

i was anxious for that

now that doesn't seem so bad

i haven't stopped praying
haven't closed my pleading

my mind wanders to all the loved ones passed on...recent and ways back
i think of them knowing a little something about where G is
and wish they could tell me.

but i hope they are watching over
until he returns to home


my heart is not trembling as much
i think it is keeping quiet...calm
so i can listen
i am still pacing
watching

wondering, yes...what will come of today,

the light of the darkest night and early day is still

and i hear him not so many years ago chanting with me:

"see you later alligator

after while crocodile

not to soon baboon

give a hug lady bug

be sweet parakeet

so long king kong

out the door dinosaur

see you soon racoon

blow a kiss jellyfish

and bye, said the fly

take care polar bear

bye bye butterfly"

this is so surreal

in the light of today we have to know something

i can not imagine the darkness of another night

if you are a prayerful person

please pray

whatever comes of today...

my hope... he will return home

or ....the alternative

i appreciate your faith

while mine is faultering

in the darkness

of light today

an oBiT on a wall

hit like a brick wall today.

i went into a store in my neighborhood.  just for a pack of peanuts, a lemonade. 

i left with a broken heart

...again.

what is happening.

i don't understand.

sure...there is life

so there is death.

but why so much?

lately.

a week and a half ago with complete indifference i filled up with gas.  paid the attendant.

the attendant, the afternoon guy. 

sure.  there are times when i say more than 20 on pump 3.  sometimes i say hello.  sometimes i even venture to ask "how ya doin today". 

he always smiles, very polite,

does his job, sets the pump. 

he always says have a great afternoon. 

see you again.

see you again....

not this time.

this time....it is too much to think about.  he was 47 years old.  47 years young. 

only today i learned that he has been living with his mother,

just two blocks from me.

this poor sad women,

now alone,

lonely.

missing her son, i am sure.

he died at home.

Grieving is usually done in 5 stages:

denial,

anger,

bargaining,

depression....

and finally acceptance.
I guess you could say I am in all of these stages at once.

long ago my foster mother....at mile 191

the loss a few years back of my grandmother

the loss of my mother early last year

the loss of my brother this last march

many other losses, unmentioned - but in my heart they ache

some i still feel denial

some ANGER

some pleading and bargaining

with the Lord in those lonely moments...

WHY.....................................

and depression.  yes there is depression.

i guess i can believe that acceptance will finally come

if i feel all these stages so acutely

most assuredly it will come

just when?

yes

....many things that have happened that have brought grief,

and the process of grieving.

It is a healthy process,

...but long....and lonely...

you CAN get addicted to a certain kind of sadness