an oBiT on a wall

hit like a brick wall today.

i went into a store in my neighborhood.  just for a pack of peanuts, a lemonade. 

i left with a broken heart

...again.

what is happening.

i don't understand.

sure...there is life

so there is death.

but why so much?

lately.

a week and a half ago with complete indifference i filled up with gas.  paid the attendant.

the attendant, the afternoon guy. 

sure.  there are times when i say more than 20 on pump 3.  sometimes i say hello.  sometimes i even venture to ask "how ya doin today". 

he always smiles, very polite,

does his job, sets the pump. 

he always says have a great afternoon. 

see you again.

see you again....

not this time.

this time....it is too much to think about.  he was 47 years old.  47 years young. 

only today i learned that he has been living with his mother,

just two blocks from me.

this poor sad women,

now alone,

lonely.

missing her son, i am sure.

he died at home.

Grieving is usually done in 5 stages:

denial,

anger,

bargaining,

depression....

and finally acceptance.
I guess you could say I am in all of these stages at once.

long ago my foster mother....at mile 191

the loss a few years back of my grandmother

the loss of my mother early last year

the loss of my brother this last march

many other losses, unmentioned - but in my heart they ache

some i still feel denial

some ANGER

some pleading and bargaining

with the Lord in those lonely moments...

WHY.....................................

and depression.  yes there is depression.

i guess i can believe that acceptance will finally come

if i feel all these stages so acutely

most assuredly it will come

just when?

yes

....many things that have happened that have brought grief,

and the process of grieving.

It is a healthy process,

...but long....and lonely...

you CAN get addicted to a certain kind of sadness