come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

an oBiT on a wall

hit like a brick wall today.

i went into a store in my neighborhood.  just for a pack of peanuts, a lemonade. 
i left with a broken heart

...again.


what is happening.
i don't understand.


sure...there is life

so there is death.

but why so much?


lately.


a week and a half ago with complete indifference i filled up with gas.  paid the attendant.

the attendant, the afternoon guy. 
sure.  there are times when i say more than 20 on pump 3.  sometimes i say hello.  sometimes i even venture to ask "how ya doin today". 
he always smiles, very polite,
does his job, sets the pump. 
he always says have a great afternoon. 
see you again.



see you again....

not this time.

this time....it is too much to think about.  he was 47 years old.  47 years young. 


only today i learned that he has been living with his mother,
just two blocks from me.

this poor sad women,
now alone,
lonely.

missing her son, i am sure.

he died at home.



Grieving is usually done in 5 stages:

denial,
anger,
bargaining,
depression....
and finally acceptance.
I guess you could say I am in all of these stages at once.


long ago my foster mother....at mile 191
the loss a few years back of my grandmother
the loss of my mother early last year
the loss of my brother this last march

many other losses, unmentioned - but in my heart they ache

some i still feel denial
some ANGER
some pleading and bargaining
with the Lord in those lonely moments...

WHY.....................................

and depression.  yes there is depression.


i guess i can believe that acceptance will finally come
if i feel all these stages so acutely
most assuredly it will come

just when?



yes
....many things that have happened that have brought grief,
and the process of grieving.

It is a healthy process,
...but long....and lonely...


you CAN get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

2 comments:

Shadow said...

I hope you heal..
I feel so sad for you.. all the gaping holes that you have in your life, i just pray that they stitch themselves back together....i hope you get a lot of happiness and love from your life
with best regards
Shadow....
PS i know how you feel.... been through it myself.. :'(

Steve E said...

Mile, Hi! This is Steve. I just read this little piece from my favorite priest in India, Father Anthony De Mello SJ.

The disciples asked the master to speak to them of death: "What will it be like?"

"It will be as if a veil is ripped apart and you will say in wonder, 'So it was you all along!'"

LOVE and PEACE, from Florida!!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191