broken things to mend

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have learned from church as an adult that you can be loved, you can be mended, you can be healed, having Faith in Jesus.


I have always felt as though they were talking about everyone else, not me.


I love my church. I love the people who come each Sunday, who put their arms around me; Who Love me. I know they do, I feel it, I want to be there each week, no matter how sad or broken I feel I never stop going. Even when I have been breaking the commandments, I still go. Even when I loose the light in my eyes, and people come up to me and ask me what's wrong. Even the day my Grandmother died, I went.


A talk was given during one of our conferences titled Broken Things to Mend, by Jeffrey R. Holland. I remember it was beautiful.


For Christmas this year I bought the book: Broken Things to Mend for my sister, and one for my mother. I went back and got one for me. I haven't read it yet, but feel that it will be a really good part of my healing process.


Today, missing my Grandmother very much, I got a surprise visit. My mom came by. Everyone loves surprises, but you know what I have told you about my mom. My childhood.


She came by, and it was good.


Let me tell you more. She brought with her little Santa bags. Bags she had sewn herself, to give us as Mrs. Claus bags. My Grandmother always played Mrs. Claus for us, it is by far my favorite Christmas memory ever. And I am missing her greatly, this healing is partially coming and necessary due to losing her in October. Something in me broke, my heart and more, so badly when she died. And when that broke, the rest of me fell apart.

Having my mom come today reminded me of something I learned in church. Faith. I gave my mom her book, and a journal, and a little white bracelet with the word Faith on it. Like the one my son gave to my grandmother years ago, something she wore everyday the rest of her life, and was buried with.


As my mom played Mrs. Claus today I watched her from the rocking chair that my Grandmothers Father built. She gave them the gifts, with no fancy dress, no singing of Here comes Santa Clause...just a sweet gift of a journal and some old fashioned candy, like Grandma.


As tears came to my eyes I realized I wasn't crying because I was sad or broken. I was crying because I was happy. I remembered that Life is great. Life is and will be eternal. Life is love, and prayer, and Hope, and Faith, Life is happy, and Families are Forever.


We believe this in our church. And I will be able to see my Grandmother again. I may be broken, but I am beginning to believe that Broken is Better. And that being broken I have the Faith to heal, to be renewed. To be whole.



part of that conference address says:
"He is saying to us, "Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going," He says, "we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness," He promises. "I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.""


Another part I love is:

Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs or gambling, or the pernicious contemporary plague of pornography? Is your marriage in trouble or your child in danger? Are you confused with gender identity or searching for self-esteem? Do you—or someone you love—face disease or depression or death? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma's testimony is my testimony: "I do know," he says, "that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions."


In the Bible the woman who touched Christ’s garment and was healed is a wonderful example of faith, determination, and resoluteness. Her motives were pure. There was no hypocrisy or deception, as she hoped her actions would go unnoticed. She did not want to inconvenience the Master or disturb those listening to Him. The woman had spent all her income on physicians, expecting to be cured of a blood disease, but to no avail. With great faith, this sister disciple sought out Jesus and in the midst of a crowd “came behind him, and touched the border of his garment” and was healed. Jesus experienced the withdrawal of spiritual power. He inquired of His disciples, “Who touched me?” The disciples pointed to the multitude thronging about Him and suggested that it could be any number of persons. Jesus persisted, sensing the special person in His midst and the nature of the event. The woman then came forward. “Trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.

“And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace” (see Luke 8:43–48).

And Finally the conference address says:
If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.


Today, I can't help but think that by no accident do things happen. Even in my abuse I know there is power to heal and to mend. I know that while some of my experiences have been awful, most and many more, have been good.


I know that what I learn at my church is good, that I have been taught many wonderful things, that I have felt wonderful things, and that I have found peace in them. I know that Jesus Christ, whose birth we celebrate this year, is wonderful, and that he loves me. I know that the words of these men and women in our church are true, and loving and that they are inspired.

I seek to have the Faith to be whole, to be mended, and this time I want to have a choice, to choose the best parts of me to put back together. Actually, I quite believe today that I am looking forward, with Faith, to it!


Love and greetings, Merry Christmas, to you, my friends, who are with me on the way to my healing....I do pray that your holidays are safe, warm, healthy, and happiness be yours. Know that you are making a difference in my life, which is making a difference in my children's lives.


Love and gratitude to you!

something to work on - help from out there

thank you to Darlene for what she is doing. i don't know that she will ever see this, but i am posting it because she has given me hope, something to work on. these questions will be my journey for the next little while. maybe it will help someone else, or maybe you can share your secret with her, and she will help you, like she helped me. now it is up to me.

her response to my confession, my secret:

Some questions to consider for yourself... by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Sal, it WASN'T your fault; it DID happen; you WEREN't—AREN'T— a liar. Your mother had serious problems that you bore the brunt of. Her emotional abandonment must have been devastating. You endured emotional abuse and neglect by your mother, and every form of abuse there is by a child molester.Your mother also physically abandoned you (and so did your father). Allow me to pose this question: If your mother had not turned her back on you physically, if you had been able to stay with her, would you have been better off? Consider the ways that you were better off: she was indifferent to you even before the abuse at the hands of that twisted excuse for a man; the abuse was going on for years, yet she supposedly did not know that something untoward was happening to her beautiful and previous daughter; she didn't believe you when you finally felt safe enough to disclose the molestation. I'm sure you can come up with even more examples.On a purely logical level you know that you can't change what happened to you in your past; yet on an emotional level you continue to relive your past over and over in your mind. Memories are thoughts, Sal. People don't let go of thoughts; thoughts let go of them, but only when those unhealthy thoughts are questioned and reversed.Reliving the abusive events and reliving the effects of these events, manifests in your role as a wife and mother, but it also manifests within you. Consider these questions, Sal: Have you abandoned yourself in the same way your mother abandoned you? Find some genuine examples of such self-abandonment. Are you neglecting yourself the same way both your mother and father neglected you? Again, find some genuine examples of such self-neglect. By reliving your memories of the abuse over and over in your mind, can you understand that your unhealthy thoughts are in a sense sexually abusing you each and every day, in spite of the fact that you are no longer physically experiencing that abuse? These above questions are a way to reverse your thoughts, Sal. Only by questioning and then reversing your unhealthy thoughts, can you hope to have those thoughts let go of you.You were powerless as a child. As an adult, you CAN make choices for yourself that will help move you forward. The fact that you are aware of what is happening to you is a HUGE plus. But now you must act on that knowledge. I cannot be strong enough in my urgings for you to seek out some form of counseling for yourself. For your personal sanity, it's time to stop "pretending", and instead to start "professing". A professional can help you with that. You're worth that kind of help, Sal, you really are.
Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

night terrors - waking up dead

i know that night terrors are generally reserved for children; being that i am a child broken inside i think that it is fitting to tell of one of my many dreams that drives me mad, and is my realization that i am not doing okay.

i also want to say that i really appreciate the world of blogger, for the friends that i feel i have made to help me to heal, who care about me.

amysplash thanks for coming and reading me often, i feel that you are there every day, from the beginning of this journey to heal.

psych client: you have so many kind things to say, and you are sharing your story, it is hard for you, i know, but thanks.

other commenter's: marj aka thriver, lulubelle, strong and determined, kim-one tough cookie, Hi there=), trying to stay calm, cassandra, and andrea.

you here, are my friends. you know the worst things about me, and yet you keep coming back.

I do laugh. I live, and I love. to some degree we all have to. but dealing with what is going on inside is critical. especially when you get to the point i am. feeling hopeless and helpless, feeling that if i don't stop faking my life i will wake up someday dead.

so here goes. thank you psych client, for your post, for bringing out this dream.
i read you and really thought thankful thoughts,
to not be alone in my nightmare, my pain anymore.


this is something that i need to write about,
reading yesterday made me restless,
until i get it out i fear no sleep, only more night terror in sight.

my recurring dream

i am going about my life, taking care of my four kids, being a wife. going to school, sweeping, dishes, vacuuming, volunteering, smiling at family parties. you know, what we do when we are faking that we are okay.

i keep having this dream, the one that is like when i was a child, my mom has abandoned me again, in the hospital. i keep reliving the pain of being left behind at 16. the abuse now stops, i should be happy to be left behind, but i can't stop worrying about my baby sister. i want to be with them, even if i have to keep dealing with the abuse.

it is so suffocating.

i am trying to be a good mother. i love my kids, i think, do i really know what love is?

this dream i am going through the motions, doing all that is expected of me.

then it happens. an earthquake.

this dream is so real.

i can feel the shaking, the trembling. the horror. my kids are scared. i feel to protect them from their fear, the possible pain, the suffering. i gather them. i think going to the porch will be the safest. come on, we will be okay. i pull them into my arms.

the trembling gets worse, the shaking, the noise, the chaos.

i hold them, i protect them. i bring them in closer.

and then i tell them, not much longer. it's almost over, i say.

the blackness comes. we have died. the end is in site.

or is it.

in my dream, i wake up. in a hospital.

the room is stark white. am i dead, i wonder.

i begin to feel abandoned.

then i realize, no, i am in a psych ward. i have been institutionalized.

i didn't experience an earthquake at all.

i am the earthquake.

the kids come in, my husband tells them,

"it's okay, just for a moment.
mommy will be fine. just come love her."

they come in, i see the fear in their eyes.

they don't want to see me.

i don't blame them. i fell apart. i quit. i broke, i gave up.

i abandoned them. i am my mother.


this is my recurring dream. the dream that sent me back to therapy.

only to be told that i didn't need medication. i was strong. i was doing fine.
for someone that had been through all that i had i was doing fine.

who the fuck are they to tell me that i am fine?

they don't know me. ask my husband, ask my kids. this system is so screwed up.

then i go to another therapist to be told that he can't handle my shit.

isn't that what he went to school for.

no, he spent time with girls locked up in a psych ward, he knows what messed up is, but he can't handle my story. my mile 191, my ramblings, he has to take a break, he says. he is physically and emotionally sick at the words that i have imposed upon him.

well, no wonder i am so messed up. even my therapist abandons me.

where am i suppose to turn.

can't get meds for depression.

can't get therapy.

i am not willing to start drinking.

i have turned to you. cyber world, for my healing, i have turned to you nice people out there, you who are suffering, who have suffered. thank you for reading me, and for letting me know that you are there. i appreciate you more than you know.

my confession - trigger warning

i posted a secret of my, not brave enough to say it here, or anywhere.
it published last week. imagine my surprise when i read my story so publicly.
yes, i know, the whole world didn't see it. but someone did, and i am still alive, i am here to see that i could live through it.

i have decided to pay particular attention to the advice that i was given by Darlene Barriere

my secret:
Sexual Abuse Story From My Closet: Today I want to rid myself of a part of my story that I don't feel brave enough to share anywhere else. I can't take it anymore. I don't sleep. I find myself causing suffering for anyone around me because I am so angry all the time. I am faking being a wife and a mother. Parts of it I enjoy, but until I heal the craters of pain, I am much like a dormant volcano; when it erupts it will be chaos and destruction for all who are trying to love me.At about 6 years old, maybe, a cousin decided to fondle his curiosity, me. Then maybe a couple of years later, an adopted uncle (only a few years my senior) did the same. I think this was practice, or maybe like a toe in the water, for what I would face just a year later.A man came into my mother's life who would destroy my world. He started as a worker in our home. He spent his mornings feeling me, literally. His hand would find its way into my underwear and then inside me. I would pretend to be asleep. It never worked. Pretty soon he was telling me that if he had to take my mom along he would to be with me. It was unreal. I didn't understand it.But then again, for the first time in my life someone was paying attention to me. My mom had always treated me with indifference. This attention was new.It went on to become severe sexual, emotional, physical and mental abuse. At 16 I had been raped and used daily for 7 straight years. When I told my mom, she abandoned me. It was my fault, it didn't happen, I was lying. My dad couldn't take me, so I was a foster care child. I went into the next part of my life, pretending that I was okay; and that is where I am today. Still pretending.

courage

A Warrior's Journey

The fragility of your bearings

were perched on the wind

standing on the ledge of the heavens.

God held you tightly

infusing your veins with his nectar

his sweetness over powered the bitter.

You feared the darkness and the light

yet our prayer's vibrated your soul

lifting you into the spirit of the sky.

You sprouted wings today

as your body begins its renewal

bathed in healing promises.

You can give up the anxiety of endings

and share in the joy of letting go

for today is your new beginning.

God bless you!

hope

this song

meant a lot to me today.
thanks to someone out there like me.