i thought i was better than this

pun not intended. i really did.

i thought i was well enough to be able to help people. to listen. to hear.

why is this breaking me so much?

this week i have been pondering all the E. Smart is doing to move forward. getting married, community efforts for children abused. speaking out and helping with abductions. she seems to have such a strength. somewhere here i wrote about what she was quoted saying and i knew that it was because of her faith and her family. maybe that is it....my faith lacks. idk, but i am happy for her.

this week i was thinking that it is my turn to help, maybe today was a test. maybe it was to show me if i can or can not help others heal. all i could say today was "i am so sorry for what happened to you. you seem to have such a strength." i said that.

i really meant it.

where is my strength?

B. said that to me today as the tears fell, he said, finally, "i am sorry for what happened to you" i cried worse.

i needed to hear that.

maybe i am not ready to help anyone else. i wanted to be ready.

maybe my inner child is still too broken.

maybe i am still too shattered.

i sit in a chair, weeping, still in unbelief.

my prayer is for her, this woman. may she heal and be blessed to keep up her strength. she seemed so empowered. i was happy for her.

while i was listening i felt frozen. i felt fear. i felt like it was all happening right there. to her, to me. and my children, my sons were sitting not to far from me. i wanted to scream for them to run. i didn't want them to hear what i was hearing. i saw my B. he looked at me. my mind pleaded for him to help me. please. he prompted it was time to go and turned to walk away. i felt stunned. all i could say was "please get the boys and take them" save them. i couldn't save myself.

i just stood there.

she needed someone to hear her, and i did.

i thought i was better than this.

i thought i could help others.

maybe i am not ready.

B. heard me. he said to me tonight that he heard my voice in his head say "i need your help"

but he turned to walk away. why?

i don't understand.

will anyone save me.

ever.

i know i am not that little girl. i am her grown - up

it is up to me to rescue her now.

i thought i was better.

i thought i was better than this.

today: triggers

this day, this sabbath. someone asked me how i am really doing. ...

how am i doing? really???

i suppose okay. i finally lost a little bit of grip on the rope of life, dangling over the edge, gazing below at the jagged rocks, knowing full well i can just let go and He will be there to help me fall. and really REALLY ...all will be well.

i haven't written for a while. i had a great post for January...beginnings, anew. fresh outlook, choosing happiness, and joy, because that is just it: joy is a choice. i wanted to talk about all the wonderful possibilities i was feeling ...and then life swooped in and i missed that ChaNcE to write while i had this bit of pondering, a positive pondering, even while juggling l i f e!

you would have LOVED it! and i am sorry i missed that moment. it is fuzzy but still somewhat fresh in my heart.

we found out that the growth had cancer. this time, out of a bakers dozen growths and surgeries, this one, the one i was healing from in December, had the c-word cells. my doctor was so positive that it was all going to be okay. a few days before Christmas he told me. it was my scheduled appointment.

i went alone.

it was okay. really.

i didn't feel panic, always thought i would. if it ever happened to me.

if anything i felt the compassion of a doctor that didn't overreact. sure he told me that i would be back to work the next day, after surgery in December, and we all know that was not reality. it sucked. i tried to go back to work, i work from home, a seriously spoiled stay at home mother who loves her job, but day after surgery to wake up to work and be expected to work as if i hadn't had c-word cut out of me the day before....it was rough.

anyhow, he said that i just needed to wait til February and test again. we did, and all is well. they got it early and the surrounding tissue looks healthy and LUCKY. blessed, that's the word i am focused on.

anyhow, no panic. still hanging in there, toughing it out. although truly counting blessings while hanging over the jagged rocks. and very thankful. i sound like a dichotomy.

i did find out this month that i have a hernia. that, interestingly, the hernia, is the pain i have been in probably always, or at least most of the last 20 years. which has led them to find the tumors and question why they are hurting me so much. these types of tumors usually don't hurt. well, the pain, led me to the discovery of the growths, and the removal and the keeping me from a serious type of c-word. so i am still in pain, and each pain i count my blessings.


today, this physical pain is also reflective of something deeper. today someone told me about a terrible violent act of rape that happened to her this week. she told me in such detail that i flinch again. that body memory that had been gone for so long. as she told me i stood there, safely in the foyer of church, with an unreal reel of an old movie playing in my head, where me, a young girl, lived years of the same act that she was grieving. hostage, my memory, her experience, in an instant was re-lived.

i hate that i can be so healthy for so long and it can all come crashing in, shattering me.



it is my anniversary today. my husband naturally wants to lovingly hug me and i can't even be touched. i have wept most of the afternoon; while washing salad, while shredding meat, while preparing desert and setting the table...19 years, happy anniversary dear. you would understand if you had ever been raped.

tough it out

well, thats not working well.

i have been trying to tough some things out for far too long now.


you ask:

how are you?



i reply:

i'm fine, i'm great,
all is well,
swell, perfect,
sometimes just okay.


and truth, i am fine, i am great, all is well, or pretty well, sometimes swell, not quite perfect, close to it in many aspects, and generally i am okay. i mean, i have an abundance of gratitude, and my attitude reflects gratitude, and happiness, and even laced with some cheerfulness. plus i am good at smiling and pasting on a happy face. i save my complaints and my whining for my kids and mr. B. really. poor people who have to hear all to many times that i don't feel good, i am stressed. i have too much NOT done and i am freaking out. yep, that sounds about right!

this diatribe is not meant to make anyone feel they have to swoop in fix anything. we don't really have anything that needs fixing. we don't need dinners, maids, therapists....haha...now I sound a little pathetic. like: relationship issues, i am fine, i don't need anything, etc...when i am really dying inside for you to read my mind and there are a billion things you could be doing differently. haha. really, that is NOT what i am intending here.

i just need to write.

writing heals me.

i have about 100 journals to prove that my writing process is cathartic, and i have years of personal social improvement to show that i do overcome.

right now just need to say it out loud.

we have been toughing it out, and where it all looks fine it really is harder than i am showing it.

so, when i broke down a couple weeks ago and started talking about how we are really doing....first in prayer, then to random people who asked "how are you?"....help arrived. in the form of peace, and interesting phone conversations, and direction to some helps that can really help us. and then prayer again, thanking Him for more blessings in abundance.

we really are going to be okay. we are pretty tough actually, and all will be well.

thanks for asking!



pps: i know we are not the only ones trying to TOUGH IT OUT....that's life. in fact, i suspect i could know more about YOU. i mean, you are here, reading this and probably wondering why i haven't asked you recently how you are. I am sorry for that. I mean no offense. And I really do appreciate you reading, and listening, and caring. ThanKs. most important, si tu veux, HoW R YOU? really?!!

Healing

Tonight I bring a different healing moment to my closet. It's been a while, a long while, since I have spent time here. I had comments to moderate from moons ago. I am sorry I didn't see to them sooner. Truth. I get the comments in my email and I love hearing from you. When you are healing it is so nice to know someone notices. You noticed and you commented and it means a lot to me.

Today I need to be here. To write. It is the only place I know I can write that no one will come up to me at school or church and say something in regards to the issue. What I write here today I don't want to face tomorrow. I leave it. It needs to be said out loud. I need someone to hear me. I need to know that you care and your comments are all that. Then I move forward. Sounds like healing to me.

I had surgery again yesterday. Again because I have a problem growing tumors. They are always benign so no worries. But it's a big deal because the pain I go through is annoying up to removal, then the surgery, the inconvenience and all that comes with recovering. I have grown stuff for 20+ years. All the time that I have been with mr. B. We were dating when I first had a growth. He still married me, for better or worse.

Anyhow, I think the last time I blogged I mentioned said tumor and it hasn't been a party since. I get really emotional and irritable and am in pain a lot. Thus I am a pain to those close to me. Even though I try to control it, I still suffer those around me as we live with it.

I put off ultrasounds for a few months. It looked like nothing so I just lived day to day. About October I began to notice the intensity changing so I scheduled an ultrasound. It had changed. Time three it's size and not one that I could let grow further. Out it had to come. That was three weeks ago. Surgery was yesterday.

I'm writing because I am really frustrated and biting my tongue. I bite my tongue whenever something hurts me and I try to hold back the angry words. I know it will pass but the fact that when what is bothering me is being held in it feels like the old days of abuse. I dont want to live like that. So I write.

I didn't want to do this surgery at all. The timing is bad. Too much to be done these days for my family and the holidays and on top of that my two oldest need their wisdom teeth out. One was done this past Monday. One next week. It just seemed an inconvenience to throw in my surgery in the middle. However mr. B really wanted me to do it. He sees me in pain, it's noble, he doesn't want me to hurt anymore.

Here's the problem. The rambling. Begins. We get to the hospital yesterday and I can already tell that this is a task for B. He is dropping me off and headed home to get our three children off to schools and check on our recovering wisdom tooth surgery child. Of course my concern and instinct is toward the children as well. I put them first, always. And the hospital is taking a very long time. It's irritating, I mention that this is not a great time for this, for us. He just wants it done. Check...off the list. And I can tell. It's a task. There is no nurturing on his part. I feel his stress and it's hard for me. So I get settled and he can hardly wait to get home. Times a ticking. The kids need him. He leaves and I am alone. First off that is horrible for me. My past and being alone in hospitals doesnt go well. But I handle it. I think of my mom. I know if she could be there in spirit she would be and with my eyes closed I almost feel her with me.

I go into surgery and wake up. I can't open my eyes and I am so nauseous. I am alone.

It's a while before he comes back and then he is just in a hurry to get me out of there. Home bound. His agenda is to get me there. He has to go to work. I asked him if he took the day off. He says no. I ask if he told his work I was having surgery. They would understand. The answer again. No.

He keeps telling me to wake up.
Why are you sleeping?
I am so nauseous I can not open my eyes. I have been sick but he wasn't there so he doesn't realize the trauma from surgery. He just sees me peacefully sleeping. Peacefully???

Again, why are you sleeping? Honestly, have you seen Finding Nemo where Nemo is upside-down in the bag pretending to be dead and the little girl with horrid braced is shaking the bag screaming why are you sleeping???

He is that horrid girl. I am Nemo.

I finally told him to just leave. I am not going anywhere. I was seriously so sick, and he was making it worse. Thus he did finally go. The nurse was irritated at his impatience but she certainly didn't let on to it when he was around. It felt awful. I was so embarrassed I just wanted to go home. I made myself rush through their checklist and ready me for home before he got back. He could hardly dress me fast enough to getnout to the car. He was so annoying about it. I just wanted to hide.

I got dressed. He left for the car. I threw up all the meds he gave me before he rushed out of the room. All the juice, the pills, everything. He missed it and only wondered what took so long to get me to the car. I got a quick ride home and then left to sleep.

Mr. Responsible adult headed back to work. I slept the rest of the day. My four wonderful children checked in on me throughout the afternoon. He crawled in bed at some point and left again this morning. Today I got a text asking me if I had set up a family to come to Sunday dinner yet. We have people over each Sunday so he just wanted to be sure I was on top of that.

He came home to drop off one son from school and found me resting and acted surprised at my sleeping. I had asked him if the hospital sent home any instructions with him. I knew only enough from past experience what to expect, how to rest, not drive, etc. He got the instructions and started to look over them...a day late and consideration short, I just got up and showered. I then assisted our children in their chores and homework and got dinner made. I don't know much about what I am suppose to be doing but I know what I expect of myself and thus I am functioning there.

Tonight I just feel sad. I texted him a few things and after about 5 texts I get the one word answer "okay". As if that is even an answer to any of it. No NOT OKAY. Seriously.

It's not really that I needed him to be here with me. Or there with me. At the hospital. I just needed him to be patient and recognize the circumstance. I don't doubt that he is stressed with work. We are fortunate he has a job that provides so well. I get that neither B or his work got the memo that I was having surgery, thus I would need a little patience and time to recover.

I woke up this morning and felt great. I guess that having been in as much pain as I have been in for the past months that recovering from surgery is a piece of cake. Physically I do feel pretty great. I overdid it tonight in my frustration but other than that I feel great.

I wanted to tell him that. I wanted him to ask me how I am feeling so I could tell him that. The day is near over. He is at work. He hasn't asked.

Emotionally I think I am okay. Believe it or not. Just telling you here I feel healed. I can breathe. And smile. And go tuck my kids in.

This is me today. Here in my closet. It is not abused me trying to heal. It is just me. Thanks for listening.

bitter vs. better

when faced with challenges
we can get bitter
or we can get better.
---kristopher swinson

i have a calendar in my room
stuck on this quote,
the month of last summer,
i haven't moved past it.

it feels like i am still trying
to wrap my head around this thought.

for the last couple of months my husband
had written on the bathroom mirror a quote:

"We become
what we want to be
by consistently being
what we want to become
each day. "

--richard g. scott
the transforming power of faith and character
oct. 2010

personally, I am pretty much focusing
on being bitter, and angry, ...irritable...

I rationalize being bitter and angry [and sad] ...
by bragging up my gratitude.
Certainly if I am so grateful for all the things that I am bitter and angry and irritable and IRRATIONAL about than I am RIGHT....RIGHT???

He erased the quote last week.

Anyhow, here I am this morning thinking about all these things.
I am a mess; a horrendous mess hidden behind a smile, a good deed done for another; alas, i am

a functioning disaster.

I would rather be curled up in my closet with a bottle of jack.

i bought the jack,
now i am just working up the nerve
to befriend it.
i know where this path leads.
why cant my temptation
be to plant flowers
and paint rainbows?

moving on:
family wedding tonight.
actually family wedding this morning.

i am not there.

it's a temple wedding,
they frown upon
showing up to those hungover.

no, i am not hungover,

but in my head i wish i was.
the sin is done in the mind, in the heart.

i am pretty certain that beyond the life circumstances i am struggling with---...
that i have a physical hormone imbalance due to some tumor like growths [AGAIN :( ]
tumors like to mess with me from time to time.

thus reading/listening/talking to me should be done with caution right now.
this WILL pass, and when i have a rational thought again [PHEWWWW] ...i will look back upon this and not even recognize the person with these feelings.

in the meantime
the MEAN time, as those around me would
tell this cautionary tale...

I don't know what I feel,
I don't know why,
I have plenty of reasons to take a break for a bit
I have plenty of reasons not to.

I am extremely grateful for the abundance of blessing in my life.
I feel quite spoiled to be honest with you.
The past has plenty of things that frankly suck.
But mingled in with those moments of terror
are happiness and joy and laughter.

The moments of terror are my past,
not my today,
not my future.

I decide now....
and taking all that has happened recently
in stride
I will pull through this moment of darkness,
I just need to feel what I am feeling, in this moment.

when i let go of bitter,
will i be better?