come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Dear Elizabeth...

It has been a while since I posted anything personal. I suppose that is good, because I have been engaged in living life, rather than regretting the past. It isn't that I have been pain and anguish free. Stuff crosses my mind, but I have pretty good coping methods these days and it seems I don't freak out as anxiously as much as I have in the past ....sounds like healing.

I have appreciated comments that you have given me from time to time, even when I am Missing....and you wonderful people who have been such an integral part of bringing me to this point of healing will NEVER be forgotten. You are angels who walk here on earth. Walking one with another, helping, lifting, healing.

With your compassion, your sympathy and empathy.
You are amazing and strong,
and your strength has helped me to find my own.

Please don't think ever that I forget you, that I don't recognize the pain and loneliness that you each might suffer from day to day. If you leave me a comment I get it that day. If you need me I will hear your plea. I just am a little more absent on the technological market these days. I am on the instant gratification mode of texting or FBing... or more often I am living in the moment with my children and family. Blogging has brought me healing, and the direction that I hear from you all is to turn to Him who truly heals...which has impressed me and I have turned to prayer. So....there I am, and here I neglect, and yet...I never forget, and have great appreciation for each one of your insights.

Today I need to write HERE, so here I have come. A couple of thoughts.

One, I have been writing with my mother an interactive history. It is amazing how engaging in a persons life can bring you to a deeper healing. Understanding her is helping me to understand me better. I always questioned how she could allow those awful things to happen to ME. Didn't she care??? I suppose this is a thought for me to further explore another day, has been a good month of learning to Love her, and I do. I have forgiven her....weird, huh. I am sure some of you will question that being that all you have is what I have written here. It is a subject that I will come here more often to explore, for it is a HUGE part of my healing, and a HUGE insight to who I am, learning who she is and was.

......IS and WAS...for they are two very different people.

I have a lot of love and compassion and empathy and forgiveness for her.
So much to ponder.

Second, I have been really consumed with the Elizabeth Smart Brian Mitchell Wanda Barzee trial...insanity....kidnapping...rape....saga. From day one, when that beautiful young girl was taken, SNATCHED from her childhood, from her home, from the protection of her mothers love and fathers arms....I have been with her mentally and emotionally on her journey.
I have cried, prayed, pleaded, and terrorized by her story, by her pain, her anguish, her experience. She has come through this a strong beautiful woman....and yet, what will become of her...

Really Third and Fourth, and lastly that is what this post is all about...

Dear Elizabeth....

My point in writing torment is this:

When Elizabeth was taken I was awakened by cries...a phone call and many tears. We know the family, my son is their sons best childhood friend from the innocence of first grade.

That day I got two phone calls. sister called to ask if her children could come spend the day with us. Her husbands brother had killed himself that morning; the girls Uncle. She needed to do family things that day and be there for her husband, their dad. The girls needed a place to go, someplace loving and secure. Of course I said yes. TEARS.

The second call came from the school. Could my oldest boy stay home from school? His best friends sister was kidnapped that morning from her bed. The school knew my sons heart and that he would be anguished with the news. They felt it was best if he didn't come to school. He was in first grade...too young. TEARS.

That day we drove through
a tank of gas and two tanks of tears.

I honestly didn't think we would make it. The pain was awful. Two much uncertainty.

Of course as the story goes ... Elizabeth was taken by Barzee and Mitchell and made to be his wife. She was a young girl ....only 14.

Nine months later she was found back here. Months of rape, months of terror. Terrorizing her, her family, her heart.

As the story unfolded....I wept. I read every paper. I prayed...I pleaded...and then I stopped praying....I stopped pleading...was anyone listening anyhow...

Her story was too real to me. I read the accounts...I had lived that nightmare. I knew what it was like to be afraid. To hear that your family would be killed. To be raped, to be terrorized. Too many years I personally knew that kind of pain.

I shut down. I remember not being able to come out of my room. I remember not speaking to anyone...I was silenced in my pain, my anguish again...

My husband asked if I wanted a separation...

I remember thinking I needed to be institutionalized...I went to therapy...I told my therapist told me that he had never heard anything so terrible as the events I had experienced...he needed a break from my healing, he needed a break from me. He had worked with girls who had been sexually abused...girls who were institutionalized and he had never heard the things I told him...the things I had been through.

He "didn't know how I could be sane and how I could function."

If he didn't know ...than how was I suppose to know.

As I continued to watch Dear Elizabeth heal, I watched her blossom in her youth, I couldn't understand why I couldn't. Why can't I heal????

I didn't want this pain anymore in my life.

One day I took all the papers about her, her story, her pain, her return, her healing...I burned them in our fireplace...time to let go, of her pain, of mine...

I went back to school. Wanted to get my mind on something productive...not my pain, ...not what I thought defined me.

Something new.

I took a Criminal Justice class. I wrote something about abuse for that class....again, too personal, and TEARS.

I wrote a letter to Elizabeth at that time. I thought that I would take it too her...the time wasn't right. I still have the letter. I see her family all the time. Our kids play sports together. I always think of not just saying hello, and the usual niceties...How are you doing?
I always ponder just someday...stopping to talk to her family, on a more personal level, her mother...her father.

I should be able to do that...but they have had enough pain.
They have her to help heal...they don't need me and my problems.

I just wonder...what is wrong with me.

Why can't I heal?

Why can't I be strong? Why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I be forgiving...and move on....and stop being so consumed by this pain.

Yesterday....Last night....

...I heard on the news that Mitchell is finally going to be tried. They think he is competent to stand trial. To be accountable to raping this beautiful girl of her childhood...of having a normal and decent life and mind to live with.

I always hear in the news that she has forgiven him...That she is not going to allow him to have one more day of her childhood, or her future...her life. I am so proud of her strength. I can say that....I know her enough to say I am proud of her, and humbled by her healing. I am happy for her...

I want to have that kind of healing as well.

Last night...after hearing this on the news....I couldn't sleep. Again...same as when she was taken, ...and when she came home... and when each and every detail was exposed....I couldn't sleep.

I heard noises in my house. When my kids were littler...and all this terror happened, ...I put them all to bed in my room. For nine months they slept in our room...on our floor, in our bed. Beds and blankets and safety...all confined to the space that I could control. And then I could sleep....

Last night. I didn't sleep. I heard noises....In my lingering between sleep and consciousness I had TERROR. I thought I heard someone...not Mitchel. But our home.

he was there...he was in my daughters room...he was walking my halls. his breath was on my neck.

It was as real as my sitting here typing these things. I felt his beard on my neck as he told me again, like so many times when I was a child....I will kill you. I will kill your children, I will rape your daughter, and you will woe the day you EVER told anyone about us. You are mine. YOU WILL ALWAYS be MINE.

I must have been asleep because I couldn't make him stop. He was doing what he wanted to do...what he always threatened he would do.... and I was still helpless, and afraid, and weak. I tried to pinch husband. WHY WASN"T HE WAKING UP....why wasn't he making him stop. WHY couldn't he hear her screaming????????

I was paralyzed as I laid there....and I kept feeling him.....his breath on my neck...his cold terrorizing words silencing my screams. I came conscious and the TEARS had soaked my pillow, again.....

I tried to wake B....I couldn't heart was pounding, and I laid there. For three hours I laid awake in my bed...Silenced, paralyzed by my fear.... My subconscious knew that it wasn't real...but I could hear him...I could hear her....and I laid there and let him. I couldn't move.

Finally my cat made enough noise that my husband woke up. He let the cat out, shut off the dishwasher and came back to our room. The only thing I could say was please hold me.
Finally I could breathe and speak....AND SLEEP.

When I awakened finally this morning, after two LONG hours of sleep I said ....I had a terrible nightmare.... B's response to me....Yeah...I had a pretty bad dream too.

A PRETTY BAD DREAM... what would it be like to have a pretty bad dream???

I suppose that is why I am here: In my closet...hiding myself, ...and writing...I needed someone to hear me. It seemed so trivial that I had these feelings today. We all have nightmares...fears...terrors.
We awaken from them and go about our day.

Or at least that is what most people can do.

I wish I could go about mine...I wish I had the forgiveness and peace and healing....Oh, Dear Elizabeth....I do hope that you are really healed...I hope that someday, when you have a daughter, and a don't have to fear the things that you experienced...I do hope that you can really be free of your terror, and not have to relive those feelings...I hope you never awaken to feel the breath of your nightmare on your neck....silenced in pain, anguished and paralyzed...I wish no one ever has to feel what I cant run away from....only in my closet.
Wishing for healing, praying for peace...

I almost feel I am approaching my Mile 191 again...God give me the strength to pull ahead...and not stop on the shoulder of my highway.
Help me to keep moving forward...for all I want is rest, all I want is for this nightmare to end...and somehow, somedays...I think that it is not worth the fight.

I don't want night to come...for with night... darkness, is terror.
I can't do that again tonight...please....


Cat said...

I hear you and will always come to join you here, in your closet.

wishing you well.


Rhonda said...

What an extremely raw and emotional post my dear friend. I am just sitting crying at the terror you must have felt. And to know someone like Elizabeth who has also felt so much pain and terror. The emotions you must have faced immediately upon word of her kidnapping. You have become so strong. I can say I am basically speechless from reading this. Continue to be strong dear one....

Prayer Girl said...

I too am there with you in your closet.

My thought as I read about your journey of healing and Elizabeth's was that there was a comparison going on. I pray you will not compare your journey with anyone else's journey. I also thought about the fact that no matter what anyone shows to the outside world, we really do not know what is happening on their insides. In Alcoholics Anonymous we call it "not comparing our insides to someone else's outsides".

Honor your healing. Cherish and applaud where you are today. You are right where you are supposed to be. Why do I think this? Because I believe you have placed your life and recovery in the hands of God. In God's time, all will be well.


LeShel said...

as you can see i have joined you in your closet even though you were worried about me being here.

i love you! i will always sit with you in your closet. i am listening and willing to listen whenever, whatever.

you may not see it because the cloud is all around you but you are progressing. you are wonderful. breath and cry and allow the process and sometimes tell it to go away.

love you... always

Steve E said...

Hi, Mile...I'm Steve E, remember, we used to write one another. And I must say I am Soooo glad to see you here again. This may be your closet, but it is my open-air sunshining day, to read you again. To read your cool, coolness in expressing those things with which you are labored in fear, even though in a dream.

And then you are surrounded with peeps, either here or there, who do not, CAN not have a real true understanding what you have experienced. What life has been for you, done to you....God has other saints waiting for a day far into the future when they will welcome you to heavenly bliss.

You are still loved by so many--I hope Peeps will read this post although some of your healers may have thought you dropped off the blogger rolls. I'll link you tomorrow morning in a short paragraph. Bless you.

Love and peace to you girl, from
Steve E

SapphireDreams said...

I am so glad that you are back. You still have a way with your words. You move me, touch me, & inspire me. I know you are a great mother. I read it in your posts and I feel it as well. Glad to see you for a while tonight. Safe hugs from me to you.

Shadow said...

the past will never be gone, but it will takes its rightful place at the far edges of your life. with you living life to the fullest in the centre...

Just Be Real said...

My dear as I read your pain, I am right there with you. Wanting to give you safe hugs, if that is all I can do. I have missed your posts. (((((Mile))))

Anonymous said...

I read all of that, incredible your pain and fears. I'll pray for you, I'll follow your blog. Steveroni sent me here.


dusty said...

You don't have to do anything alone. Your counselor failed you. You will make it past. All you need is the right help. Do not set yourself up for failure going it alone.

You do much better if a family member would be there with you the whole time for just this short amount of time. But they need to be there for you the whole time.

If your family for any reason cannot do this, I will.

it will be OK, you will make it through

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Amazing how you will never be alone in the closet again, after allowing one pinpoint of light there is always light to be had, so long as you realize the truth and don't shut yourself off.

God is with you everywhere. He can and will always be with you and our hearts too are there.

Marsha said...

I just wanted to say I haven't forgotten you or left you at all, and I am still reading.

I had to set my own blog to private now, and can only add readers by email. We're having some issues since my dad's death...sibling issues mainly. *sigh*

Big hugs to you though.

Lily said...

Been thinking about you and hoping you were OK. It sounds as if life was treating you kindly. I am so sorry to hear about all of this junk resurfacing for you. I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when the news came on with Elizabeth's picture. I was sure she was dead. Couldn't believe when they said she was alive... absolutely couldn't believe it. As I'm sure, most anyone was.

As for your pain, I cannot believe your t told you the things he did. It is not right.. extremely unprofessional in my mind.

I am praying for your peace. I'm praying that your husband will hold you exactly like you want him to.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Dearest Mile,
I too read every word. I am just sick about how your therapist was, I almost could spend a whole session with my T. about yours, I just get so infuriated at the incompetence. I know a fantastic T. there if she is still practicing. Will you please let me know if you want her name.

Now beyond all of that my ♥ is with you and I think I shall bring my sweet husband into the closet we share here so that he can understand better things I am never able to explain for him.

I Love you MILE.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191