come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Compassion: n. sorrow, pity, sympathy, empathy, feeling, mercy, commiseration, kindness, kindliness, tenderness, heart, tenderheartedness, clemency, solicitousness, solicitude, caring, consideration, concern, fellow feeling.
----Ant. mercilessness, indifference.
---Syn. Study.

i PROBABLY do not have to explain why this word is full of so much meaning. Those of us who have experienced trial, abuse, sorrow, know all to well what compassion is.

True compassion.
The kind of compassion that doesn't say, "i told you so", or "i know how you feel, listen to me, what i have been through".
The kind of compassion that says nothing.
And in that silence you hear "i love you",
"i am sorry for your pain",
"i wish i could do something,
but i know that nothing will
lessen your pain right now
so i will just hug you."

recently i found out that i have to have a pretty major surgery to overcome this trial i have had for so long in my life. many many in my life who have had this have offered me solace. solace in words of comfort, in looks of love, in prayers. these offerings have been beautiful and great at this time while i make some pretty heavy decisions and try to find peace in them.

i can't seem to get one experience out of my mind, and hope my heart never forgets the lesson i learned.

we all experience things. some things are familiar to others on our journey, because they have been there. how tempting is it to want to comfort another by telling them how we have felt, what we experienced, and how they can overcome it.

but for this moment hear what i learned. sometimes it is really hard to listen to anothers experience in depth, when our pain at the time is so deep.
sometimes it is really hard to focus on anothers past pain when our present is so great.

my sister, bless her, experienced what i am going through.
she had a terrible experience.
she went into her surgery with circumstances beyond the belief of most humankind.
it was terrible for her.
i was by her side, and watched her carry that burden, that sorrow.
i tried to offer comfort, compassion, but really...i didn't know at all what she was going through.

i have been feeling really sorry for myself lately.

feeling like i don't want this trial [do we ever really want our trials...?] anyhow, i really have been very quiet in my sorrow, trying to figure out where my strength to deal with this will come.

i saw my sister last week. she HUGGED me. that was it. SHE HUGGED ME. and in that quiet hug all that needed to be said was said. I softly cried in her arms, she held me tighter. she said words to make it better....[because really, they can't] reminiscing of her own pain...[because lets be honest, does that really help the person to know you suffered...the same, or more.....]

in her quiet compassion, my quiet sorrow was soothed. somehow i was able, because she was quiet, to hear the voice of the Lord say to me. all will be well. trust me....and feel of my love and comfort...

i heard more in the silence than in the hours of advice and conversation i have had otherwise.

thank you, my dear sister, for understanding what brings true comfort. sometimes it is simply in a hug, a prayer, a feeling.

i wrote my sister a letter which i will include here, because i never want to forget what she did for me in that simple, yet profound, moment.

thank you.


I really should have emailed you immediately after seeing you this week. Or called, or written...but with the chaotic nature of raising kids this will have to do. Also, I wanted the emphasize how much it meant to me. I could all bold or capitalize the words...but wont be thus annoying. I love you and mean this from the bottom of my heart and soul.

I LOVE YOU. I thank you dearly for your compassion and love to me. When you hugged me it was the first morsel of comfort that I received since hearing about my circumstance with the tumors and cysts.

I have been lost in an ocean of tears and pain. Pain both physical and emotional. And when you hugged me I felt renewed. I felt loved by someone who had been where I am right now. A true and sincere compassion. One that many never experience, or act upon. Truly Christlike, and you exemplified the love that He would have us give one another.

You didn't make it about you, you didn't tell me your pain, you just soothed mine. I so appreciate that. You offered me a safety in your arms that allowed me to feel comfort, peace, hope and healing.

Because of that. Because you said no words, you opened an opportunity for me to hear the word of the Lord. You really gave me the chance to hear His comforting words that all would be well, with me, and with you.

It was beautiful. In that moment. That simple hug that felt a lifetime, I thought of something. I have been so sorrowful for what I am about to face. I have had such tremendous pain and agony physically and emotionally, at the thought of this impending surgery, that I had forgotten I wasn't alone.

I had forgotten that others suffer similar, and sometimes far greater, this trial. I felt such empathy and compassion from you and I realized something. The grieving I was doing for myself was nothing like the loss you suffered.

I am so sorry for what you have experienced, for your pain and suffering. Sweetie, I know I was there to help with the babies....but I missed something. You lost the opportunity to have more, to grow your family until you felt complete. I feel so terribly bad for your loss. I feel so selfish that I have been aching all this time for mine, without realizing that you had been there, you knew, you KNOW. And if ever I could do anything to repair the pain you have I want you to know that I would. I wish I had carried a child for you. I wish I had offered something, anything....

I can only hope that you have been hugged, the very way you hugged me. I can pray that you have peace and comfort, like what I felt from you. I love you, my sister. And I do pray that all is well with you. And I do hope for healing, and happiness, all the days of your life.

I know that you face many challenges right now. With family and raising little ones, and physical pains. I love you. I really want you to know that I am here, anytime. Please talk to me and let me be a comfort and strength to you. Let me have the chance to hold you, so that you can hear the things you need to hear.

I love you Sister,

Thank you.

Words of comfort in a favorite hymn:

Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.
Savior, may I learn to love thee-
Lord, I would follow thee.

Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.

Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee.

I would be my brother's keeper;
I would learn the healer's art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother's keeper-
Lord, I would follow thee.

Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
Savior, may I love my brother-
Lord, I would follow thee.

lyrics by Susan Evans McCloud

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I am really not sure I can put into words today something that is really positive. That good day kind of writing the Steve E. asked me to write about.
What I can say is I have had a LOT of GREAT days this past month,
and on those days
I have lived life,
and laughed.

...and haven't taken the time to write/blog.

Life has been good to me and
I have had
some really
feel GOOD days.

But I need to write, and I am hesitant because what I need to write is brought to you by a cloud.

I know that behind this dark cloud is sunshine. Behind this cloud is an infinity of GOODNESS...but today it is a cloud. And feeling like I do I need to be HERE and write....about my pain.

Pain....a physical pain. Pain of tumors and cysts, and fears....That is what I am facing right now. It's not NEW pain. This is something I have had most of my life, and many many surgeries to correct. ...and yet it comes back.
Something always grows back.

It reminds me of the pain of abuse.
It reminds me of the pain of abandonment.

After surgery and recovery I feel great.
I have hope that it wont COME back.

I live. I laugh. I love.

And then it creeps up on me again.

Just a smudge of pain here.
A tug of pain there,
and then it gets in my head.

Is this the PAIN I have had before? Is this something new?

After a while when it hasn't just gone away, wished away, ignored and/or prayed away....I have to go investigate.
Is this PAIN really here ....AGAIN???

Today, confirmation....the PAIN is back...the tumors are bigger.
The cysts have joined the party just to make sure that what is going on is REALLY going on!

And I have to make a decision.
A really big decision. A decision I have ran from for 17 years....Do I want this to go away forever....for always?
Or do I do what I have always done....a temporary fix?

I don't know what to do....but I am pondering and praying, and in my quiet hour I will find the answers I need.
Answers that will be best for me and for my family.

But for now....the pain is not the physical pain....but the emotional torment that this may be the end of the pain. [Does that even make sense? ]

I may have to
give up the way I want things to be
to discover peace.

Finally a peace...of mind, and body.

Just the thought of it causes a different pain.
A pain I am not ready to face.


All at once,

The world can overwhelm me

There's almost nothin' that you could tell me

That could ease my mind

Which way will you run

When it's always all around you

And the feelin' lost and found you again

A feelin' that we have no control

Around the sun

Some say

There's gonna be the new hell

Some say

It's still too early to tell

Some say

It really ain't no myth at all

Keep askin' ourselves are we really

Strong enough

There's so many things that we got

Too proud of

We're too proud of

We're too proud of

I wanna take the preconceived

Out from underneath your feet

We could shake it off

Instead we'll plant some seeds

We'll watch em' as they grow

And with each new beat

From your heart the roots grow deeper

The branches will they reach for what

Nobody really knows

But underneath it all

Theres this heart all alone

What about is gone

And it really won't be so long

Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singin' from at all

There's a world we've never seen

There's still hope between the dreams

The weight of it all

Could blow away with a breeze

If your waiting on the wind

Don't forget to breathe

Cause as the darkness gets deeper

We'll be sinkin as we reach for love

At least somethin we could hold

But I'll reach to you from where time just cant go

What about is gone

And it really wont be so long

Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singin' from at all

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191