come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, May 25, 2012

good gRief?

my post an obit on a wall 
grieved with the loss of a friend of a friend. i had a little tearful sMILE with said friend.

my friend
who lost his good friend
 about a week ago. 

this friend of my good friend was a good guy living with some life baggage -- as all human beings tend to do.

this good guy had some struggles, he died after consuming one particular struggle.
 left behind people who loved him,
who appreciated him,
who saw all the good stuff in this guy.

but the sMILE in the story is that this good guy did something really nice for someone else about a month ago. 

this story is one to share....i wish to shout it to the world!!!  [blogger will help :) ]

 --- be kind, you can't rewind life....but you can leave a legacy behind.

it goes like this:

a young couple came into the station
where this good guy worked.
they had just had a baby
and were headed home from the hospital.

home was about an hour away.

they had to be in a
special hospital
kind of far
from "home".

the young father needed to fill up with gas.
his credit card didn't work.
something about his own life struggles.
he was in a sad sorrow,
his young baby
and baby's mother in the car waiting.

so this good guy
spent his own money
to fill up this young couples car.

he also gifted them some drinks
and munchies for the road trip home.

the young man
with the generosity
of our good guy
said "i will be back to pay you".

the good guy said
"no worries,
enjoy your new baby,
it's my treat"

here we are
-- a month later,

a week since
good guys sad passing
from this world

the young man comes back
into the station,

an hour from home

asking when good guy will be at work

"will you give him this envelope?"

my good friend of the good guy
with tears in his eyes
told the young man
about his friends passing.

the young man broke

tears shed,
a hug between two strangers

both touched by the loss
left an emptyness
in their embrace.


the envelope
inside was a bill - to pay back the debt

and a baby birth announcement

the impact of good guys kindness
will live on in the young mans son

the baby boy
middle name --
"good guy"

for in this strangers kindness
to these two young parents
trying to get home

left a legecy

baby boy "good guy" last name

i suppose the moral of this for me
is that
when you remember
the print of a person
in your life ---

at times
can be
a lot of good
among the gRief.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


quick update on this post below:  he is home and safe, doesn't change any of what i felt and experienced....weird that now i just feel silly.  but those feelings of worry for a child are so real and heartfelt.  he did fall asleep watching the movie; right after the one AM -ish text, woke up confused and sad that he worried me.  with his head injury and new meds it just makes things hard...for him...and for me.

i didn't know that darkness could be so black.

in the middle of the night.
no matter how many houselights you turn is still dark.

when your child is missing.

no one took him,
he went to a friends to watch a movie

last i heard

that was about 1 AM.  he texted me.

  "the movie is long mom,
we are just finishing up,
  i will be home soon"

at 1:37 AM i sent
"i am still up"

i reminded him at 2:10 that a movie can be shut off
and midnight is still when i expect him home.

i reminded him that i always wait up
for him to get home
a hug goodnight,
and it is [a good night] - when all are home---  safely tucked in

its morning now.  and still dark.

i didn't sleep.
i think i have walked a permanant path in my carpet,
from downstairs -- his room
to the upstairs front windows

looking for his car.

listening for the sounds of him coming home.

after about 2 AM my reply to him wasn't so patient
he hadn't replied

...since 1:18

i am still pacing
this early bright dark morning

the phone rang -- never has my heart pounded so much

it was just a junk call

he is still missing

we live on a busy street. even in the middle of my darkest night people are coming and going.  that is a lot of sounds.  i listen -- but i know the distinct sound of my sons car, and none are his.

i usually hear his keys as he spins them on the way up to the door.
the sound of the screen, his footsteps, the key in the lock

and then straight to my room,
to say "mamma, i am home"

but not last night.
not this morning.

i have checked mugshots on the computer (not because he is a naughty 17.9 year old -- but because i don't know what else to do)

i spent time on social networks -- looking at his friends who are friends with me; we keep an eye on our kids -- i thought.

i checked his sites
-- nothing ....that would make me worry

yet i worry more

at 3 AM and 3:20 and 3:49 and 4:19 i call his number

once i left a message
my voice was shaking

i wish i hadn't left a message like that
-- i don't
 want him
to worry
about me....worrying

my last text pleaded "whatever's going on i am just worried. please...let me know you are okay"

silence....and the darkest darkness

at 5ish AM i crawl back into bed
all my senses alert,
still listening for comforting sounds

i asked mr. B if i should call hospitals
he says no...we just wait




i lay untouched in the darkness
and feel the tears roll down my cheeks

it is an unreal feeling
so strange
i have
never really
paid attention
to that feeling

i feel my heart beating
not too loud
not enough to block the sounds from the street

but enough that i notice the blood rushing in one valve
and out another

my heart is broke

but it still does it's work

and so does mr. B

he finally rolls to hold me
but not before asking if he can

he never wants to startle me
 in the darkness

and tonight was darker than most

tears kept running from my eyes
and tears
and my heart

i pray

i really really pray

and this time --- i feel like i am not praying for me
but only to understand God's will

i say i know we have agency
and He can not charge my son
His son
to do what we both want

only can He comfort and give peace,
and understanding

i say i know that He knows where G is
and i don't think it is fair that i don't

...i wait for Him to answer me....

but silence...the quietest silence
in the darkest darkness

just (God) know where he is
please don't let him feel alone
please don't let him be suffering

but i trust that you are keeping watch
and that we will get through this ---- darkness

i keep praying and it is just for my little big G
please remind him that we love him
that no matter what we just want him content and growing

and home

that if this night is really hard
and really dark
for whatever the reason

we love him... too... and we will be here....waiting

please remind him of who he is
and give him a glimpse of who he is becoming

and keep him warm

at some point i drifted into a dream
it was me and little G
seeing his anticipation of knowing all the why's and how's and what's that's of an eager toddler

it was his birth
it was remembering how he grew inside me

and a knowledge that he now is growing
outside of me

outside of my control

i vividly remembered my surgery a couple of years ago
how terribly broken i felt to have a hysterectomy

and how this little almost grown big G crawled next to me in the hospital bed

he said to me "mom, this has to be so hard for you, they took the place you first held me"

so sensitive for a young teen boy
and so wise

and yet last night as i felt my heart working overtime i knew that i really still held him within me

it was not where i carried him that held him first.
it was my heart.

i don't know what else to do this morning.
the other children are sleeping so peacefully
i am wide awake

listening still for the sound of him coming home

it's light, the sun is up

but it feels so dark

today may be the hardest day of my life....ever
i will have to live it to find out.

i am anxious
i thought today was going to be just another day.
i planned to get more plants for the garden
the kids are out of school
we might have taken a road trip -- to visit grandpa

i need to get a blood test, making sure no bad c-cells have grown back since my last surgery

i was anxious for that

now that doesn't seem so bad

i haven't stopped praying
haven't closed my pleading

my mind wanders to all the loved ones passed on...recent and ways back
i think of them knowing a little something about where G is
and wish they could tell me.

but i hope they are watching over
until he returns to home

my heart is not trembling as much
i think it is keeping quiet...calm
so i can listen
i am still pacing

wondering, yes...what will come of today,

the light of the darkest night and early day is still

and i hear him not so many years ago chanting with me:

"see you later alligator
after while crocodile
not to soon baboon
give a hug lady bug
be sweet parakeet
so long king kong
out the door dinosaur
see you soon racoon
blow a kiss jellyfish
and bye, said the fly
take care polar bear

bye bye butterfly"

this is so surreal
in the light of today we have to know something
i can not imagine the darkness of another night

if you are a prayerful person
please pray
whatever comes of today...
my hope... he will return home
or ....the alternative

i appreciate your faith
while mine is faultering
in the darkness
of light today

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

an oBiT on a wall

hit like a brick wall today.

i went into a store in my neighborhood.  just for a pack of peanuts, a lemonade. 
i left with a broken heart


what is happening.
i don't understand.

sure...there is life

so there is death.

but why so much?


a week and a half ago with complete indifference i filled up with gas.  paid the attendant.

the attendant, the afternoon guy. 
sure.  there are times when i say more than 20 on pump 3.  sometimes i say hello.  sometimes i even venture to ask "how ya doin today". 
he always smiles, very polite,
does his job, sets the pump. 
he always says have a great afternoon. 
see you again.

see you again....

not this time.

this is too much to think about.  he was 47 years old.  47 years young. 

only today i learned that he has been living with his mother,
just two blocks from me.

this poor sad women,
now alone,

missing her son, i am sure.

he died at home.

Grieving is usually done in 5 stages:

and finally acceptance.
I guess you could say I am in all of these stages at once.

long ago my foster mile 191
the loss a few years back of my grandmother
the loss of my mother early last year
the loss of my brother this last march

many other losses, unmentioned - but in my heart they ache

some i still feel denial
some ANGER
some pleading and bargaining
with the Lord in those lonely moments...


and depression.  yes there is depression.

i guess i can believe that acceptance will finally come
if i feel all these stages so acutely
most assuredly it will come

just when?

....many things that have happened that have brought grief,
and the process of grieving.

It is a healthy process,
...but long....and lonely...

you CAN get addicted to a certain kind of sadness

"you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness"

i love this version (more)

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end.

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra)

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know


Saturday, April 28, 2012

recovery=recover me

there is more strength in you that you realize

"all the strength you will ever need is within you now,
it was put there by your creator --
who knew well
what you would face in this life
and made you equal to it" day at a time

Friday, April 27, 2012

a sMILEstone

regarding my previous post: not an easy road we are on

QUICK UPDATE: a happier moment!!!!....his Eagle Project was approved. Yay for people who will listen and understand. Now a few merit badge details, a Board of Review, and his Eagle has become an accomplishment! Yay Son!!!!
the flower that
blooms in adversity
is the most beautiful
one of all

mile 191 and a good friend

click the picture to link to Steve Es post

Hey dear friend Steve E!  It's me...mile :)
THANK YOU for sheding light into my closet and for sharing our story. 
As you know I have healed a LOT from this world of supportive blogging, and I am dearly thankful for every comment and cyber safe (((hug))).  Life is so much better down this road than it was when I began sharing my story. 
I believe in the power of words and in the comfort that comes from those willing to listen by reading and I am thankful for every word of support.
I have much to write, and when done with finals this next week plan to share my own pictures of the origonal Mile 191 (i went back to ponder, heal). 
I also have a fun share about my favorite flower....a hint...

Thank you for your friendship. 
And EVERYONE here for your comments.  I plan to stop by your places when I get done with my papers.
sincerely, mile191

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

not an easy road we are on

did I mention that my teenager has a head injury?

most people think he is just being a normal teen, thus i am over-reacting to how hard daily stuff is.
i began to write a blog about his head injury,
but i haven't really written from my heart.

oh, sounds pathetic enough when I update after an appointment, or some new found knowledge of how this week might go.

thing about head injuries
is you never really know
what to do...daily,

thing about teens...
you never know
what to do...daily,

it has been a year and a half since his classified mild traumatic brain injury, and since we let him play football (i think we brought it on ourselves at this point) he was hurt again, so we have injury upon injury.
(upon injury...upon injury)
....his heartache
....his heartache....

it's just big.

today as I tried to work with him on his eagle project he decided to go meet up with some friends, to skateboard....another un-safe sport that he engages in...mind you he is 17.5 years old...almost 18....and has a "mind" of his own.

I tried not to lose it....his Eagle project becoming mine to finish....(the paperwork is all that is left, he did the rest....a year ago.)

So as I patiently tried to explain that I needed him here with me to do the paperwork, it is NOT my project and really he should be doing it on his own, but I have been allowed to help him get the paperwork filled out, so that he can get it turned in and he can get credit for the work he did...sounds right, right!?

Wrong...! He says to me..."Mom, I don't even remember doing the Eagle Project".

more heartbreak.

"it was last Spring", i remind him.

"ya, well, there is a lot i don't remember."

i tell him I can show him the pictures.
he tells me, "not now". "can i just go, mom, please?"

i let him go.
and i cry inside.

will he ever remember.

i promise to be back with some of the happier moments, because yes, there are happy parts. i just needed to write this, here, in my closet, safe, while i cry...on the inside.

Friday, March 30, 2012

random fact about 191

Spooky today....on the radio I hear that some airlines are considering banning this flight number: 191. It is the deadliest flight number in history. More people lose their lives on this flight number than any other.

According to the Wall Street Journal, "191 is one of the most tragic of all flight numbers."


May 25, 1979 remains the darkest day in American aviation. On that Friday before the Memorial Day Weekend, 270 passengers and crew aboard American Airlines Flight 191 lost their lives.

August 2, 1985, Delta Airlines flight 191 crashed killing 8 of 11 crew members, 126 of 152 passengers on board, and one person on the ground. Two people also died more than 30 days after the crash, bringing the total fatalities to 137.

October 6, 2006, American Airlines flight 191, crashed..deaths.

And most recently...

JetBlue Airways Flight 191 diverted to Amarillo, Texas, on Tuesday with an erratically behaving pilot locked out of the cockpit and restrained by passengers. Witnesses said it was a bad situation — on a flight with a bad flight number. (credit: Wall Street Journal)

What does that say about the phenomena of my Mile 191?

And in other bad brother passed away a couple of weeks ago from a tragic heart attack or stroke, autopsy still out.

It sucks and the grieving is trashing me right now.

Ridiculous really, he was 43 years old, one year older than my foster mother, who died at her Mile 191. she died, at mile 191. I really am only in the anger stage right now, which is feeding my soul like a diet of junk food.

This Saturday is one year from the death of my Mother, age 66. I heard, on the radio, about a month ago that Davy Jones from the Monkey's died recently, age 66, quoted "too young to die". 66, too young to die! What does that say about my brother, 43....two young daughter ages 15 and 13....and my brother, dead, too die!

Monday, February 27, 2012

i give real advice

mile191 said... (fri. dec. 11)
These words grip me. I understand those feelings all too well. Wanting a better life for my children than I ever had. Walking on egg shells. They are running on them...away from me. I am my own terrorist. Self exploding. Wanting to live to die. I will think of you. We are not alone. Keep writing. Mile

i wrote this?

what a treasure to stumble upon.
yet, I feel this. We are never healing together. Hear together, listening.

Sometimes we want to die, but truth...we just want the past, the memories, the nightmares, to die.

We will outlive them.

Bless you, SuRvivOrs, one and all. Bless us <3

help wanted

i slept!

it is really exciting enough to exclamation point!!

i probably don't have to explain, but survivors often find themselves wrecked with body memories and night terror when experiencing what i felt with yesterdays situation.

so i am thrilled to say i slept.

yes, steve E. my friend :) see comments (: has been with me reading since the beginning, and thus he and many other friends here have heard me and have held my hurts with me in private places of their hearts. because you have heard me you have held me and i am healing.

i know that prayer was huge for me last night. as i prayed and kept my prayers focused on her hurts, this woman who opened up to me. i prayed for her and i felt i was also praying for many of you who stop by here, and whose places of healing and hope i tread.

i also felt a prayer for the child in me still trying to heal. i felt that i was her grown-up praying for a healing peace for her, for me. and somehow in the night i got that.

i am LDS. morman. also i enjoy Buddha and tao of pooh, and other taoisms, anything peaceful which bears witness of His peace and comfort as is available to me. i am a 12 stepper and find help and hopes there. but last night i turned my thoughts to St. Anthony.

my Great Great Great Grandmother Sarah was catholic, before joining the Mormon religion over in Ireland. yep, fiery irish catholic turned mormon. i feel her blood run thick through me. her stubborn blood. lol

St. Anthony's Feast Day is June 13, however his watchful peace can be invoked anytime. The Catholic feel that it is important to emulate this servant of God in our love helping others. He gave sermons of Christ eight centuries ago and his sermons were so inspiring that they spread throughout France and Italy for 10 years until his death.

St. Anthony of Padua (1195 - 1231), patron of the poor. People prayed to ask for help particularly to find lost or stolen items.

This is where my devotion comes in. I have a pendant and I wear it very often. My prayer for my lost, my stolen; childhood and innocence.

See, even yesterday, as I stood, apparently my frozen fear looked more like a pillar of strength to my husband. Yet, I was able to listen, and to look in her eyes, and see her own strength. She did need someone to listen to her, and I did. I didn't solve or even try to comfort, sadly. Only saying I was so sorry that she went through all that. She replied to me that she felt strong and found that she was able to handle a lot more than she ever thought. It was awful but she somehow felt protected from the destruction of it. I told her that I could see that strength in her and she seemed really empowered. She also felt that and knew that it was He who gives us all blessing that was giving her comfort. Yesterday I forgot that part. I forgot how I was able to see that in her and that I felt it too. He does that for us. They do; Our Father and Jesus Christ.

As I went to sleep last night I read some of St. Anthony's prayer. I left my pendant on. I prayed to my Heavenly Father. I slept.

St. Anthony was a member of the religious order founded by St. Frances of Assisi. He was canonized as a saint by Pope Gregory IX in 1232, calling him Ark of the Covenant. St. Anthony was known as the "hammer of heretics" for his devotion to faith.

i hope to be such a heretic for what i hope to stand strong for/against. may i have such faith.

my pendant portrays one of the miracles attributed to St. Anthony. It is that of him holding the Christ Child, as protector of the baby Jesus. The protector of Christ, who is protector of all, who is our protector, my protector. to me this is so beautiful.

This vision of St. Anthony as Christs' protector was one that he humbly asked not to be pronounced until after his death. It was not his vision, but that of others. They and he kept it private, in secret, not to be revealed in St. Anthony's lifetime. He was that awesome.

The St. Anthony prayer that I love is one that talks about him being a perfect imitator of Jesus. He followed Christ's ways and tried in all ways to be like Him. The prayer pleads for the special power of restoring lost things. For this I do not think of my childhood as much as my innocence.

may I be strong enough, i pray, to overcome the challenges of my childhood and to be blessed with a peaceful innocence.

The prayer actually says "at least restore to me peace and tranquility of mind, the loss of which has afflicted me even more than my material loss."

Then goes on to say "to this favor I ask another of you: that I may always remain in possession of the true good that is God. Le me rather lose all things than lose God, my supreme good. Let me never suffer the loss of my greatest treasure, eternal life with God. Amen"

anyhow, i do love the ideal of St. Anthony, as an example of the life of Christ, and of the peace knowing that even Christ needed someone to watch over Him. I like to think that I would have offered to watch over Him too. Knowing that in reality all I can do is offer love and listen, it is and will never be mine to solve and resolve. ...and yes, that is primarily what we should do for each other here in this life, hear in our healing places.

I also love the truth that the power of God is to restore all things that are lost to us temporarily. We will be made whole, His grace is sufficient.

thanks for being here to hear me. :)

Sunday, February 26, 2012

i thought i was better than this

pun not intended. i really did.

i thought i was well enough to be able to help people. to listen. to hear.

why is this breaking me so much?

this week i have been pondering all the E. Smart is doing to move forward. getting married, community efforts for children abused. speaking out and helping with abductions. she seems to have such a strength. somewhere here i wrote about what she was quoted saying and i knew that it was because of her faith and her family. maybe that is faith lacks. idk, but i am happy for her.

this week i was thinking that it is my turn to help, maybe today was a test. maybe it was to show me if i can or can not help others heal. all i could say today was "i am so sorry for what happened to you. you seem to have such a strength." i said that.

i really meant it.

where is my strength?

B. said that to me today as the tears fell, he said, finally, "i am sorry for what happened to you" i cried worse.

i needed to hear that.

maybe i am not ready to help anyone else. i wanted to be ready.

maybe my inner child is still too broken.

maybe i am still too shattered.

i sit in a chair, weeping, still in unbelief.

my prayer is for her, this woman. may she heal and be blessed to keep up her strength. she seemed so empowered. i was happy for her.

while i was listening i felt frozen. i felt fear. i felt like it was all happening right there. to her, to me. and my children, my sons were sitting not to far from me. i wanted to scream for them to run. i didn't want them to hear what i was hearing. i saw my B. he looked at me. my mind pleaded for him to help me. please. he prompted it was time to go and turned to walk away. i felt stunned. all i could say was "please get the boys and take them" save them. i couldn't save myself.

i just stood there.

she needed someone to hear her, and i did.

i thought i was better than this.

i thought i could help others.

maybe i am not ready.

B. heard me. he said to me tonight that he heard my voice in his head say "i need your help"

but he turned to walk away. why?

i don't understand.

will anyone save me.


i know i am not that little girl. i am her grown - up

it is up to me to rescue her now.

i thought i was better.

i thought i was better than this.

today: triggers

this day, this sabbath. someone asked me how i am really doing. ...

how am i doing? really???

i suppose okay. i finally lost a little bit of grip on the rope of life, dangling over the edge, gazing below at the jagged rocks, knowing full well i can just let go and He will be there to help me fall. and really REALLY ...all will be well.

i haven't written for a while. i had a great post for January...beginnings, anew. fresh outlook, choosing happiness, and joy, because that is just it: joy is a choice. i wanted to talk about all the wonderful possibilities i was feeling ...and then life swooped in and i missed that ChaNcE to write while i had this bit of pondering, a positive pondering, even while juggling l i f e!

you would have LOVED it! and i am sorry i missed that moment. it is fuzzy but still somewhat fresh in my heart.

we found out that the growth had cancer. this time, out of a bakers dozen growths and surgeries, this one, the one i was healing from in December, had the c-word cells. my doctor was so positive that it was all going to be okay. a few days before Christmas he told me. it was my scheduled appointment.

i went alone.

it was okay. really.

i didn't feel panic, always thought i would. if it ever happened to me.

if anything i felt the compassion of a doctor that didn't overreact. sure he told me that i would be back to work the next day, after surgery in December, and we all know that was not reality. it sucked. i tried to go back to work, i work from home, a seriously spoiled stay at home mother who loves her job, but day after surgery to wake up to work and be expected to work as if i hadn't had c-word cut out of me the day was rough.

anyhow, he said that i just needed to wait til February and test again. we did, and all is well. they got it early and the surrounding tissue looks healthy and LUCKY. blessed, that's the word i am focused on.

anyhow, no panic. still hanging in there, toughing it out. although truly counting blessings while hanging over the jagged rocks. and very thankful. i sound like a dichotomy.

i did find out this month that i have a hernia. that, interestingly, the hernia, is the pain i have been in probably always, or at least most of the last 20 years. which has led them to find the tumors and question why they are hurting me so much. these types of tumors usually don't hurt. well, the pain, led me to the discovery of the growths, and the removal and the keeping me from a serious type of c-word. so i am still in pain, and each pain i count my blessings.

today, this physical pain is also reflective of something deeper. today someone told me about a terrible violent act of rape that happened to her this week. she told me in such detail that i flinch again. that body memory that had been gone for so long. as she told me i stood there, safely in the foyer of church, with an unreal reel of an old movie playing in my head, where me, a young girl, lived years of the same act that she was grieving. hostage, my memory, her experience, in an instant was re-lived.

i hate that i can be so healthy for so long and it can all come crashing in, shattering me.

it is my anniversary today. my husband naturally wants to lovingly hug me and i can't even be touched. i have wept most of the afternoon; while washing salad, while shredding meat, while preparing desert and setting the table...19 years, happy anniversary dear. you would understand if you had ever been raped.

Monday, January 23, 2012

tough it out

well, thats not working well.

i have been trying to tough some things out for far too long now.

you ask:

how are you?

i reply:

i'm fine, i'm great,

all is well,
swell, perfect,
sometimes just okay.

and truth, i am fine, i am great, all is well, or pretty well, sometimes swell, not quite perfect, close to it in many aspects, and generally i am okay. i mean, i have an abundance of gratitude, and my attitude reflects gratitude, and happiness, and even laced with some cheerfulness. plus i am good at smiling and pasting on a happy face. i save my complaints and my whining for my kids and mr. B. really. poor people who have to hear all to many times that i don't feel good, i am stressed. i have too much NOT done and i am freaking out. yep, that sounds about right!

this diatribe is not meant to make anyone feel they have to swoop in fix anything. we don't really have anything that needs fixing. we don't need dinners, maids, I sound a little pathetic. like: relationship issues, i am fine, i don't need anything, etc...when i am really dying inside for you to read my mind and there are a billion things you could be doing differently. haha. really, that is NOT what i am intending here.

i just need to write.

writing heals me.

i have about 100 journals to prove that my writing process is cathartic, and i have years of personal social improvement to show that i do overcome.

right now just need to say it out loud.

we have been toughing it out, and where it all looks fine it really is harder than i am showing it.

so, when i broke down a couple weeks ago and started talking about how we are really doing....first in prayer, then to random people who asked "how are you?" arrived. in the form of peace, and interesting phone conversations, and direction to some helps that can really help us. and then prayer again, thanking Him for more blessings in abundance.

we really are going to be okay. we are pretty tough actually, and all will be well.

thanks for asking!

pps: i know we are not the only ones trying to TOUGH IT OUT....that's life. in fact, i suspect i could know more about YOU. i mean, you are here, reading this and probably wondering why i haven't asked you recently how you are. I am sorry for that. I mean no offense. And I really do appreciate you reading, and listening, and caring. ThanKs. most important, si tu veux, HoW R YOU? really?!!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191