come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Happy Holidays!

It's been a while.....

I find it frustrating that living life
makes it too busy to blog about it!
[hehehe, smile]

However I am repenting my ways and will be back, ...just not until the beginning of January. I have something I get to do, something that involves my daughter and my little sister, and I am thrilled to have the opportunity. It will keep me away, yet if I have the time or chance I will check in.

Thank you all so much for watching over me.

Mike at Rambling Stuff AKA Golch Central
gave me this award...


His dilemma is now mine.
I have to pass it along to 5 deserving people.
I can think of so many many more as well.

I have so many people here
who have truly watched over me.
I have good thoughts and vibes toward you,
and include you in my prayers.

Yes, I do.

so, for now....I thank you all

And I ask that you take this award
and pass it along to your angels.

My friend Marj passed along a greeting.
...a Christmas Card Gift of Gratitude!
Thanks for Your Support!

Marj aka Thriver
is someone who has taught me that

Thank you for your friendship.
Thank you for your example.
Thank you for your cheer!

I wrote this on my family blog yesterday:

The past few weeks have been full of painting, cleaning, new carpet, remodeling, FINALS for me, and Christmas preparation....and as I took my first bubble bath in the tub
Friday evening
I lay there with gratitude,
knowing that
my perfect.....for me.

My trials are perfect,
my pains are perfect,
my past is perfect,
my present is perfect.

And while none of these things have any element of perfection..
...they fit me just right.
They may not be the size I wish they were,
....who wouldn't want to be a PERFECT 2..

...however, they are just right for me,
cozy, pleasant, fitting.

My trials do FIT me. I don't always like the way they fit. I don't always feel comfortable going out in public with them. I sometimes wish I could have gotten my trials from a different store....the brand doesn't seem right for me.

Yet, I have faith that my trials are perfect for me.

...that I will grow into them.

...that I will someday see
the beauty in them.

...that I will be able to do
what I am meant to with them.

I have hope, and Peace,
...and sometimes I have them.

I feel to say that I am content,
...for now.

I know that the pain will rear its uglyness from time to time, but I have YOU all now.

I have you to walk with me,
and to remind me that
I have someone else
who walks with me....

I have my Savior.
Jesus Christ.

He loves me
and He loves you.

He said He would never leave us.
I believe He never has.

I know He lives.
I know He knows our pains.

He can not remove our trials from us,
but He has made us equal to them,
and He can strengthen
and comfort us in them.

At this time of year may you have JOY.
Remembering that JOY
comes from remembering JESUS first,
then OTHERS,
then YOURSELF!!!!!

see here what I mean:


Thank you for being those OTHERS
who care enough to be ANGELS to watch over,
....and to direct,
those of us who ache
and struggle and the helps that we need.

Thank you all for being the BEST YOU that you can be.

Thank you for being brave enough
to share your stories of pain
and trial and struggle,
and for being honest in sharing them.

You are all amazing people.

My hope is that you all have some PEACE, some JOY, some LOVE, and HAPPINESS in your lives this season and into the New Year.

May you all be CONTENT!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Because we need to be reminded...

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men...

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in..

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what

makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.



Thursday, December 10, 2009

Be of Good Cheer

What? Good Cheer....

Sometimes the holidays bring trepidation more than cheer.
I have been busy, active, engaged in much climbing out of my pit of despair and distress.

Last I wrote my oldest son and I were having conflict....more than that.
We were in distress, despair.
I was brought to humble knees,
the need to turn myself around from the inside out.

It has been a LONG haul the past couple of weeks, and today I am smiling.

I am of better cheer.....I am working on being of Good Cheer!

I read this today:

"The daily headlines rarely fail to deliver their heavy litany of bad news.
Staggering economies and job woes.
Terrorism and War.
Tsunamis and earthquakes.
Flu pandemics and health care worries.


Indeed, there is darkness about.

For many, getting through the day means
navigating an obstacle course of worry and dread.
Hope can seem a vague,
even unattainable concept.

Yet, even amidst the all too real troubles of the day,
hope exists.
Despite the din of cynicism,
a spirit of optimism can,
and is, sustaining the lives of many.

As I pondered these words I had a splendid thought.
The thought was that I do have a spirit of optimism.
I believe in Good Cheer.
I have HOPE.

A long time back....
my friend here, Steveroni,
nicknamed me Hope.
I have never forgotten that.

When I hear that word I attribute it to me.
My overcoming something tremendous,
with Hope ....that I can.

My cousin sweetly sent me a letter a while ago,
and with it she sent me an Angel, and angel of HOPE, it reminds me.

Yes....I am learning that
I am Hope.

I see Hope in my children,
in their future.
I have great Hope for my
relationship with my
lovely kind husband.

I have knowledge
that I have a future

I see Hope now in mine;

in the future that I choose to have.

I love this song....enjoy;
and be of Good Cheer,
actively engaged in doing Good Work,
and may you have peace this season,
with Hope for a brighter future,
full of healing,
and HOPE.

...our children are watching us

They put their trust in us
They're gonna be like us
So let's learn from our history
And do it differently

I hope
For love, joy and laughter

I hope
We'll have more than we'll ever need

I hope
We'll have more happy ever afters

I hope
We can all live more fearlessly

And we can lose all the pain and misery

I hope, I hope

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A Beautiful Challenge...

Parenting is such a Beautiful Challenge.
Last night I wrote that line in my journal
...through my tears.

Why is it always
when you think you have mastered
one step of a process
that you fall down 15?

I have great pain this morning, yet greater Faith....and hope, that I can pull myself, my son ....through this challenge.

This Beautiful Challenge
that I have hope will bring us to a closer relationship.

My husband asked me why???
Why is it that my son and I hit heads so much.

Honestly I don't want to admit it because there are so many other wonderful parts of our Mother and Son relationship that I can focus on. The GOOD stuff.

But he is right, there is something amiss. What is it?

I wonder because I am at that crossroads in my I become the parent that I want to be, or do I fall into the temptation to be less. It is so easy to let things slide, to take the easy route....and think somehow it will work itself out.

I am a very firm parent. I do expect respect and responsibilities to be fulfilled. I have been blessed with fairly easy children, some have said I have raised them to be wonderful children.
It's nice to hear, I believe it?

I believe they are good:
[I'm just not sure I believe it is because of me.]

They all help out, they don't completely terrorize one another.
They listen to me and do what they are asked, for the most part...

The giggle, they laugh, they play, they hug....they smile!

..and then there are the bad days.
The days when conflict is on the horizon
and I am at light speed heading into it.

I don't get it.

But I can not just allow some things to happen.

Last night, in my adamant expectation that No means NO! ...and Put your seatbelt on means PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON....and Stop teasing....means STOP TEASING.... things fell apart....

And today...I am not sure what it will take to put the broken pieces back together.

After some time listening to his perspective, yet not backing down on mine we had to agree to disagree.

The conflict was simple.

I finally took his phone away, last resort discipline....either listen to me, do what I have asked or I have to start taking things that mean I mean business. ---Cell phone....then Ipod....[he is a teenager....] ..and these are the distractions that conflict with communication. We needed to talk about the events of the evening. Tell me why? I asked him....

He removed his seatbelt in if to tell me that NO he was his own person and he would do what he wanted. And he DIDN"T want to talk about it.

I pulled over, asked politely, asked firmly....He responded with
"No, it is my choice and I wont put it on."

After some persuasive discussion and patient silence he put it on.

I pulled away and he said under his breath
"I would rather walk home."

[he is wishing now that I had not heard it at all,
and me wishing now I had just ignored it.....]

In fact, he is regretting it so much that he is sticking to his guns that he DIDN"T say it.

I pulled over. I said, "Go ahead, Get out!"

He is wearing shorts, a short sleeve shirt, is recovering from flu, and has no phone at this point.

I said, "Get out. Go ahead and walk home." [the walk is about 7 miles, there is snow on the ground....]

WHAT AM I THINKING....I am the parent here.
All my senses tell me that this is not right to do. Not the healthy safe RIGHT thing to do!

He says, "Out of respect for you I will get out if that is what you want."

I said, "You made your decision. Get out."

He got out. I drove away.

Tears streaming down my face, I drove away....

About two blocks I pulled off, waiting for him to catch up, hoping he would realize that he is very loved and very much cared for and that this silliness of teasing has consequences of feeling alone and frustration that is not worth it. ....he doesn't walk by.

I sit there in tears, praying for him, wishing, and knowing that I have to go for him. Of COURSE I am going back for him.

I drove back....things happened, he had gone back to the building we had been in and was inside, had used the land phone to call someone for a ride.

He is pretty brilliant and also very capable of working out tough situations. YEAH....really a great resourceful kid!

Today, my sadness comes because of how he felt when I left.
My devastation comes because I did to him what my mom did to me.

I left.

He felt abandoned, if even for a few minutes. Minutes...moments, that feel like a lifetime.

He can't understand why I would leave....truthfully I can not understand why I would leave either.

Words were spoken. Mostly me expressing love for him and that I want what is best for him. I expect him to have trials and frustrations, and even that he will be defiant from time to time, and I only want him to learn from his experiences....

But last night. To see him so broken, knowing how that brokenness feels. Knowing the pain of having your mother leave you....

[Yes, mine was for years
complete neglect
and selfishness,

but still...]

I left him. And he couldn't believe I drove away.
He felt abandoned.

He could not understand how I could love him and do that.

I tried to tell him that it is because I love him, that I am willing to do and say hard things, to help him grow, to help him learn....but this, the devistation of this only relief will come in true forgiveness, truely between us, that he will be able to forgive me.


I am keeping in mind that I can not project my pain....or rather, SHOULD NOT project my pain and experience into this.
---the circumstances are so totally different.

But when he said he didn't want to talk to me about it because it is like talking to the person who just purposely ran over you with a car.....I couldn't help but feel my heart being ripped out of my chest.


Did I really just do unto him the pain that I have been through?

Will he heal from this,
or will he never forget,
and always remember it.

Will he doubt my endearing love
and peading hope that I have for him?

Yes, Parenting is a Beautiful Challenge.

"God did not put us here to fail,"
Elder Jon M. Huntsman Sr.....

...but to work, and have integrity, and sacrifice, and determination....belief in ourselves, belief and hope and faith...
And his Grace is sufficient for All. ♥

I will not fail him,
I will not fail me.

---is my prayer, Mile 191

Thursday, November 19, 2009

"Darkness to Light" - My Healing Journey Anniversary

Ironic that today is

I sat down to write this morning through many many tears. Last night was really rough for me. Nothing like being pointed out that you are a psycho falling apart hopeless irrational broken to bits mess.
No worries....I was telling myself that.
It wasn't anyone in my was my
DARK inner BROKEN child.

It was suppose to be Date Night and after one simple incident I was a mess and saying things that were irrational [yet made perfect sense to me]....then came the falling apart tears...[as I hid in the bathroom suffocated by them] the hopeLESSness set in. I found myself frantic to pick up the broken bits of my soul, yet completely unable and went off to bed.

I don't know if it was seeing his name on a chalkboard in my classroom yesterday. I just kept staring at it WISHING i had the strength to take a SHARPIE marker and scribble it out permanently.

In my pain I destroyed my husbands heart. All he wanted was to take me to a movie....then he just wanted me to talk to him. He kept asking all the right questions.... Which made me more emotional and psychotic. I felt I would stop breathing any moment.

How can someones kindness be so hard to suffer?

I don't get it.

Why does Child Abuse
have to have such terrible side effects?

I can't keep faking the pain away.
The smile painted on my face.
My rushing around trying to cover the fact that I am falling apart.....

I came here, to my closet, to discover to ponder what and where and when I am headed....

As I was putting thoughts together this morning I took a little walk among some of your blogs. I try to go between my commenter's, my followers, and my blog roll [which has not been updated for ....MONTHS -- If you are not on there please tell me. I generally stop by those who comment here faithfully but would LOVE to come more often. Just tell me and I will add you].

I am sad to say today I found some blogs that I have never read. Thank you for reading me...

As life takes the reigns of my time I seem to be able to blog browse less and less.

I suppose that is a good thing....but I sure miss the healing and growing
as I read and ponder each of your journeys

...the HEALING that we are all seeking here.

Blog names....I am wondering how they are chosen.

I know that there is a simpleness behind mine.

I woke up a year ago TUESDAY [11/17/08]!

Or maybe it was that I was unable to go to sleep the Monday before....I had emotional, mental, physical, spiritual pain and thoughts flooding my mind.

I felt like I was suffocating. I had to get out the nightmare I was feeling and living with, and the words that inspired the name of my blog came flooding with my tears.

come into my closet
was born and a journey of healing began.

From there I wrote about being Mile 191...
..about being at my MILE 191 in life.

Mile 191: This time of year is terribly difficult for me. I see my foster family in such pain. It was MILE 191 where my foster mother died. She drove to that Mile in her favorite canyon. She was headed home to her Mother. She was sad. There had been a fight. She took too many pills this time. At the cave she slipped and hit her head on a rock and passed away. Right there in the cold, with the snow coming down. hER jOURNEY eNDED. Her pain was done, and ours began. Pain without a mother.

Over the years I have seen the trauma that this has caused her daughters, her son, her husband. The pain I have felt. I know that NO MATTER how hard being a mother is, no matter the fights, the frustrations, the thinking they would be better off without me THAT IT IS NOT TRUE. People are never better off when their loved ones go away forever.

When I began this journey, this healing, I began with hope that facing my MILE 191 would prevent tragedy in my life, and in the lives of those I love.

I continued by describing the Journey to Hope that I was embarking upon. I am still on that journey. I feel that I have come a long LONG way, and parts of this journey are harder now than they were when I began.

It seems that by opening up the wound we find that there is a great deal more to healing than just getting it out in the open. So many things come up....and that is what I have been writing about ever since.

Today as I wandered I stopped by Darkness to Light.
I haven't spent as much time there as I would like yet, but I am always grateful when there are organizations out there standing for children, and adult abused children, doing all they can to prevent Child Abuse. Thank you.

I enjoyed the inspiring post by dreamdancer. I was inspired by her courage and hope to free from the past and make the reality today into her dreams for tomorrow. Her
submissiveness to Gods will, to allow the instruction of today to strengthen and restore healing. Beautiful Post.

I sadly came across LKG4BTRLIF. Her post about her past being thrown in her face is touching to me. I have been there. I have felt her pain, the graphically described experiences she has had and the scars emotionally and mentally left behind. I felt such compassion for all she is going through right now. Big Safe HUGS to her, and hope that she will continue writing and healing.

Lovely Just Be Real says it like it is and was a wonderful stop along my way.
Her simple expression that we do NOT have to carry the weight and burden and sorrow of our abuse alone, that we have a Savior. Oh how I do hope that I will learn how to more fully rely upon Him.
I know He is there. I wish I could be more submissive and more fully be healed.

It is always a healing experience to read
Today I read about Darkness....about Light....about recovery being a choice to turn toward the Light. It all began to fall into place for me right there. Her words engraving upon my heart. She talked about the her wolf...what her recovery is ....and how she no longer feels it eating her very soul. I want that. I have HOPE that I will get to that point. Again I read that God is the LIGHT. Dependence on Him is Healing. God's Grace....oh how I wish to find my way there. Hope, Thank you Thank you!

And then I was back where I started. With Marj aka Thriver. Who is hosting today's Blog Carnival in celebration of World...Prevention of Child Abuse. Thank you Marj. --- So many of us have been blessed by your pen.

Marj influences healing and promotes UniTy iN SurVivOrS. She brings us together and shows us that we are not alone.

I look forward today. What is past is past. I will continue to write....because what tomorrow brings will be the next chapter in my healing. I am no longer a victim of abuse. I am a SURVIVOR.
We are all SURVIVORS!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Assignment from Hell?: her REGRET

I am currently taking a Marriage and Family course. I find myself struggling with some of the course material and we are getting into the issues of parenting, childhood; with abuse and neglect issues right around the corner.

The questions are loaded with meaning and as I write responses I find myself in conflict with what I
want to write and what I find myself able to write. Sometimes the assignments rip my heart, yet again, to pieces. I want to write something simple, easy and without really scratching my own surface...what I find is that I am writing more...

What I am finding
is that in the opening
of wounds I can heal them.

The Question:

Based on your life experiences, what makes a good parent? What makes a bad parent? Does your definition of what makes a good or bad parent change depending on the age of the child? Should our parenting styles or techniques change as our children get older or should they stay the same? Explain. In your family of orientation, what child-rearing attitudes (authoritarian, permissive, or authoritative) predominated? What impact did your parents child-rearing attitudes have on you? Interview either one or both of your parents. If you do not have access to your parents, interview the parents of a close friend or relative. Ask them to describe their greatest joys and challenges as a parent. If they had to do it again, what would they do differently? What would they do the same?

My response:

Looking to this assignment with trepidation I have finally emotionally and with great perspective completed the task at hand. Beginning with the "based on... life experience" I have come to some conclusions as to what I feel makes a good parent. Going into this assignment I had really strong affirmation as to what makes a BAD parent, both of my parents fell under that category.

What I discovered is that even as I make mistakes I am doing my best, ...better than that, I believe I am a GOOD parent!!!

Based on your life experiences, what makes a good parent? What makes a bad parent?
Beginning with the bad. Being selfish is the number one quality that I believe contributes to bad parenting.

I think that when you choose to become a parent that you have a crucial role in another persons life and well being and that you can not longer BE SELFISH.

Having perspective I realize that I make many wise decisions to put myself first and I do not see the negative effects on my children in stated appropriate cases because there is a GREAT difference between tending to ones self and being selfish.

My philosophy and perspective is this:

I have come to make decisions based on whether my need can be a positive thing for my children, needs like tending to ones self so that positive parenting is the outcome rather than negative parenting.

There is GREAT difference between this and being SELFISH.

Thus I do believe that
one's self must be attended to
in order to be
a positive parent.

The selfish that I allude to as negative is that of spending money and time for selfish desires. These negative desires include but are not limited to: alcohol, pornography, drugs, abusing for self satisfaction, indulgence in fast food, avoiding responsibility by reading novels/sewing/computer time/[
fill in the blank]... shopping, and anything obsessively allotted.

Selfishly choosing previously mentioned obsessions and addictions over spending money on groceries, health care, clothing and shelter, or paying school fees:... and time management that does not contribute to a safe and healthy environment of love and attention to a child's well-being absolutely has a negative impact; as was the case for me growing up.

This negative effect stays with a child and seems to create effects that are long term in adult children.

These effects include but are not limited to insecurity, post-traumatic stress, cycle of addictive behavior, feeling unloved, feelings of inadequacy, inability to function as an adult, irrational response and behaviors, never feeling nurtured, not allowing others to love you, mental emotional disorders, dysfunction, and often repeating the abuse that you suffered as a child.


I overlook this in many regards because I am so focused on what I am doing wrong, [part of thus stated INSECURITY].

What would I have wanted,
what kind of parent do I desire to be?

I desire to be the kind of parent who listens to my children. Who is firm in BELIEFS and in NURTURING. Whose children go to bed with FULL BELLIES, with WARM blankets, CLEAN pajamas and teeth. Whose child has GOOD HEALTH CARE and SHELTER.

Whose children are HUGGED, and TOLD that they are LOVED, whose children KNOW that their parents are going to stand on the sidelines cheering them on.

Whose child knows they have great value and worth and that they are LOVED beyond any human understanding. Which children understand FORGIVENESS and PATIENCE and RESPONSIBILITY and COMPASSION and INDIVIDUAL WORTH, because they have had these things abundantly all their lives.

Does your definition of what makes a good or bad parent change depending on the age of the child?
I do not think that my definition of bad parenting is different based on the child's age. I think that a selfish parent has different effects at different ages because children have different needs and demands at different stages.

Parents who are selfish have difficulty meeting those diverse needs. Parents who are selfish don't recognize the negative effects on their child, they are completely lost and blinded by their selfishness.

The definition of a good parent, on the other hand, can have different meanings. I believe that children need many of the previously noted qualities in their lives. To what degree each is offered is individual to the relationship between the parent and the child.

In my lacking of many of these qualities I find that some are much more important to me than others. My children, on the other hand, who have been blessed with these in abundance, would pick some to be more important than others. Again, because their childhood is the only experience they are going to have, they are going to be much more secure than I can ever imagine, and their needs are unique to what they have experienced.
Should our parenting styles or techniques change as our children get older or should they stay the same? Explain.
Parenting styles must change as children get older. Rules and definitions of abilities change based on what is in the best interest of the child. That can be hard when you have children of all ages because to a child they don't feel like things are fair when the rules are different. I always explain that you are right, the rules are different because of your different needs. If your needs were the same as your younger/older sibling than the rules for you would be the same.

Usually a child can make sense of this particularly when you state that a 15 year old should then have the same bedtime as an 8 year old if the rules were to always be the same. And an 8 year old does not want to have the same chores or hours of homework as their 15 year old sibling.

Children can understand with confidence in their parents when communication is open, often and effective.

Therefore parenting techniques and styles have to change to meet the needs of the child and the parent based on age and stages of life.

In your family of orientation, what child-rearing attitudes (authoritarian, permissive, or authoritative) predominated?

For my childhood I could not really put the parenting into one category. Without getting too personal here there was absolutely no consistency:

it varied between neglect and beatings.

Interview either one or both of your parents. If you do not have access to your parents, interview the parents of a close friend or relative.
I spoke to my mother briefly about her parenting once and have chosen to not open the can of worms again for this assignment.
I had a dead-beat dad, who has become an in and out grandparent, and thus can not or rather, choose not, to open that can either.
My step-father should be removed from the universe and I prefer to not attempt a conversation with him.

My mother, in our brief conversation stated that she had a lot of regrets.
I have a great deal of scars emotionally when it comes to her regrets;
I am one of them
. I am her regret.

At this point I must say that I am indebted to foster parents who took a late teen and loved her to a point of being secure enough to marry and desire to have a family of her own.

In third person,
I see this girl
and have a great compassion
and appreciation
for what a bit of love
can do for a child
who has withered away in abuse.

If you do not have access to your parents, interview the parents of a close friend or relative. Ask them to describe their greatest joys and challenges as a parent. If they had to do it again, what would they do differently? What would they do the same?

I remember many conversations with one of my Aunt's based on the assignments criteria and she stated that she had regrets, or rather she looked back and could see where she could have done things differently. However, she felt that her children were her priority in life that she had done everything to her best ability in those moments.

Her greatest joys were seeing her children raised healthy and happy and that they each have chosen marriage and to begin families of their own. She sees this as truth in her accomplishments being successful. Her greatest sorrow was that as an aunt she knew things were not right for us, her nieces and nephews, and that she had not done enough to help us during our time of need.

Her compassion and ability to move forward proves that while I make many mistakes as a parent that my children and I can overcome with resilience founded in LOVE and that in the end we will all be greater human beings.

What impact did your parents child-rearing attitudes have on you?
Every child deserves a childhood,
as Richard Paul Evans states based on his charity

The Christmas Box International,
a home for abused and neglected children.

I had one, and wished that I hadn't.
...or at least had not had the neglect and abuse in mine...

Now I look back and see that I can grow with hope and faith and grace and that all will be well as I continue to desire to heal.

What I can do with this experience is to be a different parent than my parents were and I try everyday to keep that in mind. Being a parent and healing from a tragic childhood is one of the hardest things that any person could possibly take on.

I am doing my best everyday to keep my childrens childhood in mind and keep their best interest at heart, I have hope my best is good enough and I believe that I am a GOOD parent.


Sunday, November 8, 2009

pain is painful

"mamma please stop crying,
i can't stand the sound,
your pain is painful and
it's tearing me down"

...i told dad you didn't mean
those nasty things you said...

this is my shelter....

growing up in
world war three...."


hurting...when will it go away?

my little boy prayed a week ago:

"Please help me to work hard
and work fast
so that I can have all my recesses."

i promised myself that I would ALWAYS remember this prayer,
and NEVER forget it.

it made such sense to me. he didn't ask God to do his work for him and just give him the blessing of all his recesses. he asked God to help him to WORK HARD and to WORK that he could have his recesses.

he asked God to help him and he told God why....he wanted to have his recesses, ALL of them, and in his expression of FaiTh he stated help ME TO WORK....

a willingness to HARD and work FAST....

His words really got me to thinking...

How willing am I to work HARD and work FAST so that I get all my recesses in life. Seriously how many of us think about asking for the strength, the help to WORK!!! I think too many times we are so busy just asking for blessings to happen for us. We want things to just happen.

Nothing happens by chance. Nothing worthwhile anyhow. We work, and while we are working, anxiously engaged in good causes, we find our peace, our happiness, our strength, our HEALING....our recesses.

With all the thoughts I have been having lately...pondering my own process of healing, of overcoming fears, and letting go of my painful past.... i realize that until i anxiously engage myself in the WORK of healing, of honestly opening myself, letting the dam flood, that i am holding back on the blessing of RECESS in my life.

The definition of Recess is:
a temporary withdrawal from
or halting from work....

the key word here is temporary

While looking up the definition of Recess I came across the definition of Recover. I have often said that I am in recovery. But I don't remember if I have ever really pondered Recovery.

To Recover means to get back something that was lost or stolen. This felt so good to me to think that I could get back what was stolen from me. My childhood, my sense of peace, of being whole, healthy mentally and emotionally, and physically.

I then looked up the definition of WORK:
physical or mental effort exerted to do or make something.

I find myself in a reflection of my past, present, and future here.

I have to work out my past, here in the present, so that in the future I can take pleasure in my recesses, with hope, healing and a feeling of wellness, of being whole, of Recovery.

I want to stop crying, to stop aching, to stop fretting about everything all of the time.

I desire to find a place for the pain that is so painful,
and take a recess from it, I want recovery.

I have the understanding that the pain will not just "go away",
but if I am willing to WORK....

I pray for help to WORK HARD, to WORK FAST,
so that I may fully understand
and enjoy the blessing of Recess.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191