What I can say is I have had a LOT of GREAT days this past month,
and on those days
I have lived life,
loved,
and laughed.
...and haven't taken the time to write/blog.
and on those days
I have lived life,
loved,
and laughed.
...and haven't taken the time to write/blog.
Life has been good to me and
I have had
some really
GREAT
feel GOOD days.
I have had
some really
GREAT
feel GOOD days.
But today...today I need to write, and I am hesitant because what I need to write is brought to you by a cloud.
I know that behind this dark cloud is sunshine. Behind this cloud is an infinity of GOODNESS...but today it is a cloud. And feeling like I do I need to be HERE and write....about my pain.
Pain....a physical pain. Pain of tumors and cysts, and fears....That is what I am facing right now. It's not NEW pain. This is something I have had most of my life, and many many surgeries to correct. ...and yet it comes back.
Something always grows back.
It reminds me of the pain of abuse.
It reminds me of the pain of abandonment.
After surgery and recovery I feel great.
I have hope that it wont COME back.
I live. I laugh. I love.
And then it creeps up on me again.
Just a smudge of pain here.
A tug of pain there,
and then it gets in my head.
Is this the PAIN I have had before? Is this something new?
After a while when it hasn't just gone away, wished away, ignored and/or prayed away....I have to go investigate.
Is this PAIN really here ....AGAIN???
Today, confirmation....the PAIN is back...the tumors are bigger.
The cysts have joined the party just to make sure that what is going on is REALLY going on!
And I have to make a decision.
A really big decision. A decision I have ran from for 17 years....Do I want this to go away forever....for always?
Or do I do what I have always done....a temporary fix?
I don't know what to do....but I am pondering and praying, and in my quiet hour I will find the answers I need.
Answers that will be best for me and for my family.
But for now....the pain is not the physical pain....but the emotional torment that this may be the end of the pain. [Does that even make sense? ]
I may have to
give up the way I want things to be
to discover peace.
Finally a peace...of mind, and body.
give up the way I want things to be
to discover peace.
Finally a peace...of mind, and body.
Just the thought of it causes a different pain.
A pain I am not ready to face.
9 comments:
I too seem to be drawn to writing when the clouds are overhead.
SO glad you have this outlet to let things out, let them be what they are... and wonderful about your good days.
Here is to more of those very soon coming your way!
Cat
Mile....I'm sorry that you have to be faced with the pain and once again be faced with a decision that I know must be hard on you. I am here....listening,learning, supporting, & cheering you on as you journey through your miles. I hope that you can find some comfort soon. There is sunshine....you just have to wait for the clouds to pass.((((mile))))
"I may have to give up the way I want things to be to discover peace"
Story of my life at peace and in joy today is the truth in that sentence!
God be with you!
You are loved Mile. Here with you and sending you ♥
I think I get what you are saying about getting rid of this pain will cause you more emotionally tormenting pain.
Often chronic pain that we have is caused by emotional pain and when that emotional pain is just so painful to process our body does it for us. It has to manifest somewhere and your body is taking it on for you. I think that is why it always comes back. And yes, once you do get "rid" of this pain, you will have to face all that emotional pain, which I believe you have been doing, but there are always more layers. And so many people opt for the temporary fix, not even realizing that is what they are doing. Really just repressing the inevitable. It needs to be processed and that takes ALOT of courage and strength and I think faith.
Much love to you!
Oh sweetie! I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I do not have any words of wisdom for you, other than to pray and look up at God for guidance. I will definitely be praying for you!
Thoughts and prayers coming your way.
Good luck with the decision.
Why is it that writing when we are sad is so much easier than writing when we are happy?
((((JIP)))) So very sorry dear one. Here listening with you.
You’re not alone. Every family has its issues, whether it’s mental illness, addiction, or anything of the sort. I’ve found Silver Hill Hospital’s adolescent psychiatric treatment program to be informative. They encourage family involvement in the recovery process.
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