come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I am really not sure I can put into words today something that is really positive. That good day kind of writing the Steve E. asked me to write about.
What I can say is I have had a LOT of GREAT days this past month,
and on those days
I have lived life,
and laughed.

...and haven't taken the time to write/blog.

Life has been good to me and
I have had
some really
feel GOOD days.

But I need to write, and I am hesitant because what I need to write is brought to you by a cloud.

I know that behind this dark cloud is sunshine. Behind this cloud is an infinity of GOODNESS...but today it is a cloud. And feeling like I do I need to be HERE and write....about my pain.

Pain....a physical pain. Pain of tumors and cysts, and fears....That is what I am facing right now. It's not NEW pain. This is something I have had most of my life, and many many surgeries to correct. ...and yet it comes back.
Something always grows back.

It reminds me of the pain of abuse.
It reminds me of the pain of abandonment.

After surgery and recovery I feel great.
I have hope that it wont COME back.

I live. I laugh. I love.

And then it creeps up on me again.

Just a smudge of pain here.
A tug of pain there,
and then it gets in my head.

Is this the PAIN I have had before? Is this something new?

After a while when it hasn't just gone away, wished away, ignored and/or prayed away....I have to go investigate.
Is this PAIN really here ....AGAIN???

Today, confirmation....the PAIN is back...the tumors are bigger.
The cysts have joined the party just to make sure that what is going on is REALLY going on!

And I have to make a decision.
A really big decision. A decision I have ran from for 17 years....Do I want this to go away forever....for always?
Or do I do what I have always done....a temporary fix?

I don't know what to do....but I am pondering and praying, and in my quiet hour I will find the answers I need.
Answers that will be best for me and for my family.

But for now....the pain is not the physical pain....but the emotional torment that this may be the end of the pain. [Does that even make sense? ]

I may have to
give up the way I want things to be
to discover peace.

Finally a peace...of mind, and body.

Just the thought of it causes a different pain.
A pain I am not ready to face.


Cat said...

I too seem to be drawn to writing when the clouds are overhead.

SO glad you have this outlet to let things out, let them be what they are... and wonderful about your good days.

Here is to more of those very soon coming your way!


SapphireDreams said...

Mile....I'm sorry that you have to be faced with the pain and once again be faced with a decision that I know must be hard on you. I am here....listening,learning, supporting, & cheering you on as you journey through your miles. I hope that you can find some comfort soon. There is just have to wait for the clouds to pass.((((mile))))

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

"I may have to give up the way I want things to be to discover peace"

Story of my life at peace and in joy today is the truth in that sentence!

God be with you!

VICKI IN AZ said...

You are loved Mile. Here with you and sending you ♥

Superfluous Brunette said...

I think I get what you are saying about getting rid of this pain will cause you more emotionally tormenting pain.
Often chronic pain that we have is caused by emotional pain and when that emotional pain is just so painful to process our body does it for us. It has to manifest somewhere and your body is taking it on for you. I think that is why it always comes back. And yes, once you do get "rid" of this pain, you will have to face all that emotional pain, which I believe you have been doing, but there are always more layers. And so many people opt for the temporary fix, not even realizing that is what they are doing. Really just repressing the inevitable. It needs to be processed and that takes ALOT of courage and strength and I think faith.
Much love to you!

Lily said...

Oh sweetie! I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I do not have any words of wisdom for you, other than to pray and look up at God for guidance. I will definitely be praying for you!

Mom, Lover, Friend, Woman said...

Thoughts and prayers coming your way.

Good luck with the decision.

Why is it that writing when we are sad is so much easier than writing when we are happy?

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

((((JIP)))) So very sorry dear one. Here listening with you.

Tori said...

You’re not alone. Every family has its issues, whether it’s mental illness, addiction, or anything of the sort. I’ve found Silver Hill Hospital’s adolescent psychiatric treatment program to be informative. They encourage family involvement in the recovery process.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191