come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, May 24, 2010


I really can't believe I let a week pass without an update. Last I wrote I was UP LATE....and I think an UPDATE is certainly in order.

i have been sleeping better, and thankfully.... i worried that having surgery i would be so dependant on a drug..... this is probably the thing that i am most happy to update. mainly because of my fears, always worried about addiction.  living with my foster mom and seeing how addictions can hurt the ones you love;  knowing all to well the travesty and havoc an addiction can wreak on a family, on an individual.

i feel blessed to have such strength to find myself healing without need for something to mask what the healing feels like.

this has caused me a lot of pondering. only a few times have i ever used alcohol as a way to mask the pain....the pains of past horrors, the pain of the healing process, the pain that day to day functioning can bring....

it feels so empowering to be able to have some control over my OWN healing.

this may be a physical healing process, from surgery....but the elements of healing that this process has surged are quite unbelievable. when all you have to do is sleep, and rest, and ponder...a LOT crosses your mind. this has become an opportunity for emotional and mental healing, with a spiritual strength intact.

healing has also been really hard, and yet really blessed. [does that make sense?]

What i do know is that many prayers have been said. I feel them, and I thank those of you who are reading, who are here with me, in my healing, in my closet.

what i hope is that what i have learned will find words, expressions, so that i can better understand them myself, and so that i can share them with you....

my mind is quite weary....writing seems to take more effort than i have strength, and nothing comes natural these days. a LOT is on my mind....

remember my mom???

well, she has been here to take care of me, to help support my healing. It has been as hard as it has been a blessing. I have learned what true forgiveness is, and what the POWER of forgiveness does for healing. I have also learned that forgiveness does not take the sting out of some things.

I happened to have a meltdown or two, a breakdown of sorts. I remember that there is beauty in the breaking, and that being broken is better, and while broken....there is something to be let go of, and potential for something anew. one moment i said something,
something i can not take back,
something i regret,
because now
it is me...
not HER.
what she did,
or DIDN'T do,
is not made better
by my reaction
obviously i have a lot of work
to do in that department.
thank goodness for time
and opportunity
and forgiveness.

i am off to ponder....and patiently heal.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

it's late...or early?

i am up

cant sleep

no comfort to be found

the temptation to drink
to sleep pain and agony free
is unbearable

i hurt in places i didn't know had feeling

and so i am up



healing is such a long process,
a process that needs patience
in my weary state i am about out of patience
the thing is there is NOTHING i can do about it
i can not make my body heal any faster than it will
i can not run from it
and now i cant sleep it off

so....i am stuck, out of control,
trying to endure; with hope, faith, and patience

and i can't stop thinking about things so my mind and emotions are also a mess

so i am up

that's pretty much all i got

Monday, May 17, 2010

healing is so hard

healing is so hard. it has been 11 days since my surgery. i have felt great blessing as i have been surrounded by love and comfort. i have smiled and laughed. i truly am thankful for the positive in my life. there is so much.

because there is so much to be thankful for i have a really hard time with the negative that rears its ugly head from time to time.

i want to be patient in my healing.

i want to be thankful.

so why do i feel this way?

i really don't feel i have

good reason to be

so angry.

everyone around me is trying so hard.

everyone is making sacrifices for me to heal.

bending over backwards

to be helpful,



all contributing to my physical healing.

i told my husband a few nights ago that i felt that i was emotionally/mentally handling how i am feeling with strength and courage.

i wrote she cries at night a few nights after i was home from the hospital. it was HEALING, to write, it took COURAGE to share.

so WHY????

i was thinking this morning that it was the fact that i cant CONTROL anything right now.

control is so important when you have been in a situation where you were CONTROLLED and SUBMISSIVE, and HURT.

i was, we all were; abuse, abandonment....those are all circumstances where lives are out of CONTROL, as we SUMBIT to the abuser we are caused great HURT in our lives.

it can even be an emotional/mental/physical pain, anxiety, depression....the things we have no control over, the things that seem to control us.

and these very things take daily WORK to overcome.


i am trying to be a good patient, to be patient with my healing. but this LACK OF CONTROL over things in my life, my body, is driving me completely insane.

and no matter the love i am surrounded by, i feel alone. so ALONE.

it is like i have lost FAITH, and HOPE.....

and so i come here, and i read....and i write.

Superfluous Brunette wrote:

"The reason we try to control life or other people,

is to really control our own emotions."

in another post she wrote:

"But the irony of control,

just as with addictions

(another way to control

or completely avoid our painful feelings)

is that it ends up causing us more pain

and drives us even further away from

resolving these things in our life

and further away from ourselves."

today i feel her pain for control.

she wears a mask,

to hide her pains,

she needs a hand to hold....

this virtual world, of healing, of hope,

is such a beautiful place to be.

as i read, i feel less ALONE, and filled with HOPE, and FAITH...and it is all because of you, all of YOU.

THANK YOU, for reading me, and for writing.

i take morsals of all you offer and

feast upon your words, and i remember.

i remember that there is a greater good in the pain we experience.

i remember that i have a place to turn, a Savior, who loves and who heals and who promised to never leave us alone.

and i remember that He said it is often through anothers kindness that you will see the Hand of God.

each of you are exactly that. you are beautiful, you are the Hand of God in the lives of those like you; those hurting, those needing Healing. and as HARD as HEALING is....coming here, gives me HOPE, another day....

one step at a time.....

CONTROL is an illusion.... and really it comes down to TRUST in HIM who controls we don't have to.

she cries at night

i am recovering from having a hysterectomy.[there, i said it].
wednesday was the day, 5/5/10. 11:11 AM was the time when they came to tell me it was time.and i began to weep.
i had been so strong going into this; so brave.
in an instant, a moment, everything about that changed. my brave face wore off and i had to discover if i really had courage.
as they wheeled me back, i knew that nothing would soothe the empty ache i was about to face.
i really had done all i could to be prepared for this; prayers, blessings, coming to terms with facts, and acceptence. acceptence in body, mind, and spirit.
i forgot raw emotion.
i was okay until the charge nurse came in to go over everything, the papers, the details. i had asked questions,signed papers, put on the hospital handcuff in a statement that i would stay. i agreed with everything that was asked of me, i felt calm and peaceful
the blow that came next knocked the wind out of me and i have yet to catch my breath.
the nurse handed me one final paper. 'this one' she states 'clarifies that you of your own free will are choosing sterilization.'
i must have looked confused, i didn't take the paper from her like i had the others. she saw my
hesitation and further explained, 'it states that you are here by your own account and opting to have a surgery that will leave you unable to bare children.'
i said to her, 'are you serious?'
she put the paper on a clipboard in my lap.
i looked at B. this was a cruel joke.
'what?' i asked.
she simply said, 'in order to have the surgery you need to sign it stating you understand it is elective surgery. it is your choice.'
at this point tears are welling up in my eyes.
i don't get it.
all this time i have been advised to have the surgery, it is not something i picked.
the policy, she continues to explain, is that a woman has the choice no matter her condition and that signing the form makes it clear that i understand i will no longer be able to concieve and carry a child.
inside i feel like i am writhing, i try to look at B through my tears, i can not bring myself to put my signiture, my name, on that piece of paper.
'WHY', i ask her, i don't get why i have to sign it.
i didn't choose this, to suffer pains and growths and other symptoms that make daily life difficult at best. this surgery is to alleviate all that. to make my quality of life, of motherhood, is not optional, or elective. i came willingly, isn't that enough.
i can't bring myself to sign it. suddenly all the courage i had is used up and i feel completely out of control in pain, agony, confusion.
simply the hospital requires a patient to acknowledge awareness of the choice and the understanding that it would make me sterile. such horrible words, and thoughts, zapping the strength i had stored to endure this peaceably.
NO, my head and heart were screaming, children, unborn, those hoped for, prayed for, pleaded and ached for that place within me. oh, the sorrow that i was feeling.
'Do i really have to sign it?' i hear myself ask her.
suddenly i feel the finality of the decision become mine. B says, "no, you dont, we can leave", he sits nearer to me, and i feel myself signing, without even looking. as if in denial. it is done.a weeping begins, which weeping of heart will never cease.
it becomes blurry to me, suddenly i am no longer crying in b's arms,but weeping on the gurney.
i found interesting metaphore that they put me into a bed, carefully lifting the sides, tucking me in, a warm blanket, under the covers so soothing, brians hand on my head, i feel like an infant in a crib, like the babies i will not have, the bed becomes a womb for me, my only piece of physical security left in that moment, all other stripped away from me as we walk away from the waiting room where B was left behind.
one kiss, one caress of my forehead, a look of love, concern and sorrow as our eyes met, the last time we are together while i am whole.
the further we go the more it feels like a suicide to my motherhood, i can't get it out of my mind that i chose this. the confusion, my heart wont hear what my head can't make sense of.
i weep harder the closer we get the more sterile the environment.
sterile, like i will be.
people are walking like robots. going through the motions. i become a number, a room number, a patient number. no longer a being, heart and soul. i look like everyone else, in my cap and gown, yet so different, i am still weeping.
the orderly parks me in patient parking. it is quiet. it strikes me that now i really am a stranger in a territory whose customs are unfamiliar to me. their ways don't align with mine today.then i don't feel with me anymore.
people are asking this poor weeping woman if she is okay, i feel so seperated from who i am. and then i hear it, the lullaby; a sound i will dread hearing over the next few days. each time a new baby is born in the hospital they will play it.
now people are asking me if i am sure i want this surgery. did i sign the paper?'this paper' they say as they show it to me. i see my signature. i do not respond right away.a woman asks, 'are you sure you don't want any more children?'
all the wrong questions. she explains if i am feeling apprehensive maybe i should reconsider, it can not be reversed.
i feel so helpless, i know they don't mean harm but i feel like they are bullies on the playground. they have found my weakness and keep taunting me.
i could be ninety,would they ask me the same things. i know i can't have more children, it has been 9 long years of wishing, of praying, of hoping....that somehow it would just happen because that was God's will for me. i know it is not, i know that nothing would change if i said no today, we still would not have more children. i recognize my blessings, all four of them. i want to live for them, for me. not just alive, but LIVE with quality and patience, healthy and pain free.
i look at the anesthesiologist and beg him. 'i am ready, please just get me to sleep.' i don't want to feel what i am feeling anymore, please. from the darkness of this moment will come light, i need it to move forward.
i wake up, sort of. i hear someone crying, wailing really. people are trying to soothe her. she is inconsolable. she is writhing in pain, truly wailing. oh, how i want to comfort her. to tell her it will all be okay. she sounds so desperate, if loss were a sound she is making it. the crying is so disturbing and it is hard for me to relax. i hear people saying that she needs to be taken to a room. i think no, bring her to me. i will hold her. and then i see brian, and he is telling her it will all be okay...then i realize the sounds of anquish are coming from me. from my emptyness, a pit of despair.
there goes that song again, why do they have to keep playing it. i continue to cry, calming each time to be reawakened in grief by a lullaby.
i find comfort in Mr B's voice, his hand, the look of desperation on his face for me to be okay. i find peace in his patience. allowing me to feel the grief, and caring about where it came from. i am made whole because he loves me...even when pieces of me are missing, even when i am broken. even when i lack courage, lose a brave face, always when i cry, when i cry at night.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

when she cries

me cries:
it is not the first time,
and it wont be the last.

i am home, and physically well.
i had better mental emotional days,
but come on, it has been three days.

in three days i have lost something,
accepted loss,
experienced pain and anguish,
experienced peace and hope.
doubted acceptance, been afraid,

certain ups and downs to be expected.

i wrote during the night,
for hours,
and i am weary from crying,
tired because i am stubborn,
and sincerely angry today.

i remember this
January Ensign Magazine,
Boyd K. Packer:
it was meant to be that life
would be a challenge.
to suffer some anxiety,
some depression,
some disappointment,
even some failure is normal.
[we learn]
that if we have a good,
miserable day once in a while,
or several in a row,
to stand steady and face them.
things will straighten out.
there is great purpose in our struggle in life.

and so, with what i have left
i accept only this,
if it is a good miserable day today,
and even if tomorrow is a little difficult
i must stand strong.
how i stand strong right now
is by allowing others to take
care of me,
be patient and
do not try
to understand
Tomorrow will be a better day.
...and if not
maybe tomorrows morrow
will be.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191