come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

on being my own worst enemy...

So I have been thinking a lot about myself, the selfish part of who I am.

I know it is a natural thing to think about so here goes:

I am my own worst enemy.

If I could just relax a bit, and be kind to myself, my husband, my kids. Just calm, that is what I am wishing for.

I watch my kids work hard doing their chores, my son baking a cake today, sitting with them at lunch;

they are great people, my people.

A conversation with my sister, where I openly stated that I am angry, hateful, onry and just in a terrible mood. My mood that makes being with myself miserable. A disturbing depression that is destructive to my being even humane. And the anxiety that causes me to not interact with others. I feel helpless in my own mind and my soul feels cancerous.

And then calling my husband today and stating that I just want to give up. I can't stand how I feel.

A couple of weeks ago I had a good friend spend literally hours with me chatting about my circumstances now and then. He read this entire blog and this was his response to me:

Much like we talked about in the early hours of the am; You're are holding yourself prisoner with the need to know, forever trying to understand that which is not understandable.

"It would take me; and may take, my whole life to figure out what and why." - Mile

Let go of the need to know, and free yourself. Don't live your life holding onto "What if", "How come", "Why". You said it most clearly and you don't even realize it "I am breaking the circle" - Mile, you have all the answers and the means to close that chapter in your life. Stop living life in "The Grey Area", close that chapter, focus on your life (What now!) strengthen that loving relationship with your husband, and enjoy the one with your kids before it is to late.

Living your life in the gray area is impossible to do you can't be in two chapters of your live at same time, the present chapter will always suffer for it and you will continue to find true happiness always just beyond reach, right at your finger tips. Repeating the cycle of the need to know always holding on to the need to know.

So, Here I am. Left with a LOT to ponder. I am thankful for friendships, my kids, my husband, my cousin, my sister, many people, and all of you who read and help me to see things that are blurry to me.

I feel a clarity and peace from your comments and support.

I need to pick myself up by my bootstraps [something i will blog about, the bootstraps] and move forward with faith to accomplish the things that I desire to do and to heal.

I know this rut that I am in is working on me to maybe be a little calmer, a little more peaceful, healed, and possibly I will better understand why feeling this way does me good. I just have to keep moving forward, and not give in to the addictions that plague me. I have to heal, I want to heal. I want to give up being my OWN WORST ENEMY. I need to heal. I want to heal.  I am.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


okay, so i have been in a rut for a while and i am dealing with being REALLY sad, like beyond just having a bad day kind of sad. The kind where nothing feels good or right and you just sit for hours not caring about anything. the worst kind of sad I have ever felt, which blows because I was feeling pretty good. this sadness means to me that something is either working really hard on me, or that nothing is working, ie, the help i have been going for. i just feel like nothing. hmmmm. i can't even really think of words to write. but i am still here, and still trying to do better each day, and that part feels okay. so i will take time to read everyone tomorrow, and go from there. thanks for being here, for reading, and for the supportive comments. i do care about you and will be by to read how you are all doing. thanks. mile 191

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

What is in a Word?

You see life as possibility to form deep connections with a few people.
Relationships are the center of your world, and you always take time to bond with those you love.

You are caring and giving. You enjoy helping those you love.
And when it comes to romantic love, you feel passionately ... even in a very long term relationship.

being sad

i have laid in bed today for a couple of hours, not able to sleep but trying to not think. i cried too much yesterday and can't even really think of why. i don't know what i feel, i just know that i don't like me right now and i don't like how i spend my time. i waste, i hoard, i am disorganized, i am selfish. i am mad at myself, and i just want to be alone, and it feels sucky. i keep trying to pull myself out of feeling like this, i have gone back and read some stuff i posted lately and i don't like it, i don't remember why i posted it, and i pulled most of it because it feels embarrassing. what is wrong with me. i don't know. i don't feel like me right now, and i don't like it, but then again what would me feel like.
so .... a while back i posted something really pathetic and really vulnerable, and then i posted something about feeling better and knowing that you can pull out of these really depressed feelings, so i know there is hope. i just need to check in with myself i guess, and right now i feel sad.

Monday, January 26, 2009

the letters c and h...

c and h,
SWEET. c and h...pure cane SUGAR...


Ten things about the letters C and H...


Choose the Right



Cheese, without the wine, of course :)


thanks for the letters. if you want to play, leave me a comment and I will come to your blog and give you a letter.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

B is the one with the thing on his head.

This was one all together all too long flight from Japan
to the United States.

He hates this picture.
I posted it because paybacks are a bitch.
go ahead...didn't read the long rambling,
read and you will find out
what the payback is for.

he he, did I intrigue you,
come on it's Sunday
what else were you going to do.

Happy Sabbath!

Sunday Funnies: honesty, Honestly

words. again. I am stuck rambling on words again.

anyhow. i am definitely in a rambling mood. good thing this is not my only place to vent. and since my venting is on so many layers today i have something to say EVERYWHERE. wow, i need meds. so, here i am, it is the sabbath day, and i have enjoyed a beautiful meeting, a beautiful and refreshing and renewing sacrament, and now i find myself waking from a 5 hour nap with my brain firing. for anyone who doesn't know what that means: BE THANKFUL...and pray you never have to find out. seriously, pray. I WILL WAIT.

good, your back, and hopefully safe.

if i were catholic that would merit a father forgive me moment. Being mormon I think I am safe, well safe enough. I still have my calling, which is like a job in our church, which doesn't mean much, it just means they are still desperate.

I conducted today in Relief Society and to save any of you readers who are still reading from over share I will just stop at that. it wasn't as bad as last nights honesty, but close. i guess when you have lived my life you have a lot to say that people respond in shock and horror over. i don't know any different or any better. it is the only life i know, and i guess when lessons are taught from a holy errr than holy level, which tends to happen, most people don't realize just how bad things can get, and that families are forever sounds more like a threat to some people, and that it really doesn't make for an easy lesson to live through, when you know the things i learned early only in my life. lets just say my comments began with something to do with a wrecking ball, and the destruction of a childhood, and not really being a fan of live perfect and you have nothing to fear....i am not sure who i am tied to for eternity at this point, but i am thankful that the link goes back to adam and eve, and that i will somewhere find contentment with the sisters that i dearly love, enjoy, and appreciate, the sisters I meet with each week, my sisters, by family, my daughter, my cousins, dear aunts, grandmothers....i may not be their child....born into the covenant as they say, but somewhere i will be collected up and kept, i had two offers from sisters in Relief Society to take me if i am so orphaned in heaven, as here on earth.

phew, that was way to long, but to save me from having to go back, read and edit, i will just begin a new paragraph, and get to my point...hopefully you stopped reading too and just began again here. point, yes, i have one. my cousin blogged about this baby making her butt look big, and my sister told me a funny this week about a kid asking a lady if a baby was growing in her stomach what was growing in her butt, so I blame both of you. Its not a bad blame, it is a THANK YOU because i had just the right words to deal with a circumstance at church today.

Here goes, yes, actually my point: At church many things happened today, of which I want to blog three.

1) after relief society i get my usual dose of sisters needing to report something and today was not unusual. I decided to handle it with flair. as the complaint was coming in about something that i had missed during the week, something that i should have handled/ie taken care of, remembered....deadlines. I don't understand deadlines at church, and being just a week shy of post-operative, and still swollen, not bending well, just thankful that I was upright, and for girdles,,,,yes, thankful for girdles, which can hold in stuff that you need holding in I was able to look at this the complainer, and just say in response to what I was missing that should have been/could have been done [certainly not life or death....i mean this is church, and it didn't have to do with food, oxygen, water or shelter, the essential essentials] and say...."Does this surgery make my butt look big."

Yes, that is my exact words. let me repeat: "Does this surgery make my butt look big."

she stopped. and i said sorry, i was just wondering. go on, what were you saying. to which she said. oh....i heard you had surgery, and i said, yes, and what is it that i missed, hmmm, i will get to that right away....after my nap of course.

okay, item #2 this story includes Joe and let me just forewarn you that stories that include him are usually inappropriate and sometimes really painful. reader beware.

Elder Johnson came up to me, right after talking to the sister about my butt looking big, and right before story number three, which is a elijah story and also includes Elder Johnson. If you don't know Elder Johnson don't worry, just click on his picture here and you will be taken to one of my favorite talks from conference. all his talks are good, but i really loved this one.

(yes, loving this talk may confuse you being that i struggle with what i mentioned earlier, but focus on the restoring is my hope, i love my family, and i pray for that restoration of the family that i belong to, i want to be with everyone of them.)

okay, now to continue he comes up to me and takes my hand, not uncommon, his wife is my visiting teacher, and they are an amazing couple, but today he says, i will never forget and always remember, "Dear sister, your daughter Cece is an amazing young girl, i could not overcome how beautiful in spirit she was in Young Women's today [yes, I just said Young Women's, and yes, I am having a hard time with that as well.] She is an amazing young girl and you should be really proud of her. I can tell that she has been taught well in your home."

oh course i said thank you, i think, i was so overcome. Cece was called and sustained as the Beehive Counselor today, Henry as the Teacher Quorum President, so it was a nice meeting all together.

and that was probably the nicest moment of getting a compliment about your child I have ever had. It wasn't his words, with was the feeling and the spirit that I felt while he was saying them. Amazing.

okay, i haven't mentioned Brian in this story yet, and here is where the story gets interesting...
Brian and i over lunch were talking, yes, we talk.

and he mentions that Elder Johnson came into the clerks office and took his hand and complimented him on Cece. He tells me the conversation:

Elder Johnson: Brother, Your daughter is a beautiful and amazing young girl, with an amazing spirit and strength, I don't know where you got her, but she is something special.

Brian: Oh, she's from the postman....

to which Elder Johnson did not reply beyond saying that we were fortunate to have her.....did you expect him to....GEEZ ...the postman, the milkman, the milkmaid, the paper boy...always some comment when he is complimented on our children.

anyhow, i am going to move on before i say what is on my mind..

so, Elder Johnson is speaking to me and Elijah looks up at him and says, "Yeah, this is my mom but I don't live with her right now. I moved out. I live with my aunt. I only see my mom at church."


(I can hear my sister right now saying, OH NO HE DIDN"T, you are aren't you....}

Yes, he did, he said it. How do you follow your child when they tell an apostle of the Lord that you are their mom...but that they don't live with you.

I say: "Yes, he moved out until Tuesday morning, it is just something he is trying."

To which Elijah said: "No, not just trying it out, I don't live with her [pointing to me] right now."

okay, at this point I just smiled, because I know enough from family services in my childhood it is just best not to say anything more....

and that was our Sabbath. How was yours?

just in case this was all together too long and you didn't want to read it i will post a picture for your pleasure. I love visual rhetoric. okay....happy day!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Aka: Thriver, "I resolve to comfort my inner child"

T said, "You know the actual physical trauma of child abuse gets overlooked and neglected in therapy quite a bit. We focus so much on the emotional trauma and working on feelings, that we don't spend much time on the physical part. As a little girl, you were very, very hurt physically. And most of the time your physical injuries were ignored and received no medical attention."

This post was amazing to read,
so: I can't seem to put in words
how much
it helps me to read your blogs.

So much of my healing has come from reading
and then reflecting on your words and thinking/feeling
my own moments and memories.

"I resolve to comfort my inner child".

That is the thought that has me thinking right now.

Thanks fellow bloggers.

YOU are amazing people, striving to overcome your memories, and helping others along the way.


I will be thinking about this
and writing more later
on my own journey
of trying to:

"resolve to comfort my inner child."


Alanis Rae - This is for you!

below is my email signature.

---life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
it's about learning to dance in the rain

it reminds me daily that i need to
figure out
how to dance in the storm of my life...
somedays it helps, others it hurts,
but regardless of help or hurt it
reminds me that this is a journey of learning;
how to deal with what
I have been dealt.

i am sorry for how you are feeling right now.
i have hope that you will and can heal.

you are not alone please, keep writing, and
anyone reading this: be willing
to visit alanis rae,
she needs us right now.

and please read others listed
in my awards post...
making lemonade out of lemons

there are so many reasons
to read one another...
to support one another

letter H:

--mile 191
'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...
It's about learning to dance in the rain'

Thursday, January 22, 2009

a little nerdie

just enjoyed a scout meeting with my oldest son.
don't get me wrong, i usually do enjoy scouting; not just for my scouts.

i love the clapping, i love the cheers, i love seeing children acknowledged for accomplishments.

but what i love most is knowing that there is a program worthwhile for my sons to participate in where grown men will share feelings and thoughts that i am quite certain i would not get into my sons head alone.

Thank you leaders.

tonight the scoutmasters minute went as such.

I will write in first person, as he spoke it, but it is not verbatim.

"I was married a couple of years ago. My father in law is a biologist. I have always listened to him talk about biology things that are just a little nerdy.

Most recently he has shared with my wife and I about bird watching. Sound a little nerdy...probably because it is.

You get your little book of birds, your old tape recorder of bird sounds, your binoculars and you watch...For birds. Thats it.

You look for their colors, their flight patters, listen for their songs.

Yep, nerdy.

Well most recently I learned something about this.

I went to a campground this past summer. We hiked, we played, we camped. It was awesome.

Later in the year we were assigned to do a bird watch at the very same campground. Yep, me, a bird watch.

Sound a little nerdy. Yep. I got my book of birds, I got a tape recorder of bird sounds, and I got my binoculars and we went back to that same campground.

And do you know what. We looked for birds.

And do you know what. WE FOUND BIRDS.

Yep, and guess what else. I had the most amazing time, even a much better time than I ever had before.

I had something I was looking for and I found it.

What I learned from that experience is the same in life.

If you know what you are looking for, you WILL FIND IT.
As is with the gospel of Jesus Christ. He has given us a little bit of instruction, and a way to find Him,

and if you look for Him in life, you will find Him.

Whatever you look for in life, you will find."

Amen to that.
I don't mind being a little nerdie once in a while.
It looks good on me. And it feels good in me.

good enough for what?

"You know... some times I think all I am good enough for is sex and that I should have a sign on my back saying so.. but now I think I'm just good for making others happy, whether its sex or not.

Just walk all over me"

from a beautiful disaster

I have felt this feeling from abusive situations in the past. And there is still a part of me that sometimes says to my husband, well, maybe you would be nice if I gave it to you, or some other god awful thing, which hurts him to the very core. It is awful being a victim/survivor of abuse.

Notice I say both, because even once you survive it there are moments you are still a victim of it.

And it sucks. Anyhow, knowing this and feeling such a sympathy for those of you who are hurting right now, I just wanted to say. I am sorry. I am sorry for all the times you have felt yourself being walked all over, or that you were only good for one thing.

You are not alone, i am here, we are here. Please let me know if you are reading and if I can do anything, even if it is just stop by your site more often. Yes, I am here. I get busy and don't get out there as much as I would like, but if you need me, I am here, just please say so.

love and appreciation for your reading me, for your comments and support as well. I am still healing, always healing, which is to say, I HOPE I am always getting a bit better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow. Thanks again. love to you all. xoxoxxx

making lemonade out of lemons

Thank you Shadow for the award! Now I get to pass it along :)

Instructions for awardees:
please share this opportunity with your favorite bloggers by doing the following:

  1. put the logo on your blog or post
  2. nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great attitude and/or gratitude!
  3. be sure to link to your nominees within your post
  4. let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog
  5. share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

so, who's got a great attitude and gratitude out there? I agree with all the choices made by Shadow, excellent bloggers! Beyond those amazing people I nomitate these blogger fellows

[nominations in no particular order]:

1. Stepping Stones: A path to healing after the loss of a child. Definitely inspiring.

2. NieNie Dialogues. If you haven't read, you should.
3. Trying to Stay Calm and Tigger, an excellent friend to have.

[click above for the 12 step recovery program]

4. 1427.17, my friend in 12 step, my sister for life.

5. amysplash, me still hoping she is out there somewhere doing her beautiful artwork.

6. Hope, a Song Not Scored for Breathing. Thanks for all your words.

7. Colleen, Surviving by Grace. THaNks for the support. the Third Floor Window is her new book.

8. V, A Rather Intolerable Pain in the Head. Someone who has been through so much more than I can ever imagine, who writes me some of the most uplifting comments, kind, and yet, is hurting beyond my own belief. You are amazing.

9. LarryG: Yesterday, Today and Forever, very inspiring rhet

10. Psych Client, The Therapy Buzz, always something to read that is uplifting to me.

11. Never forget Gabriella Moonlight: All Who Wander are Not Lost.

12. Lady Bug. I have enjoyed the attitude with gratitude on her site.

13. Always finding optimism and something to heal by in the Thrivers Toolbox. Thanks April!

14. Child Abuse Survivor, thanks!

15. Alanis Rae: Who won't be silenced by the violence and is finding her voice; finding beauty in the rain.

16. Mena, who believes in miricles. The Truth about Pain. And wishes for the sunrise.

17. Marj aka Thriver, who lost all her awards, but keeps writing for us. Here is a new one, and thanks for everything. Survivors can Thrive.

18. Cat, it is the little things that are so big to me. Like her http, which is up for more, did anyone else notice that??? I love Wait. What? it says so much. THANKS!!!!

19. Winivere, thanks. A beautiful lady, beautiful words. always calm feelings when I read the Woman in the Glass Box. Just so real.

20. I feel like this is the academy awards, so I have to mention Steveroni, Prayer Girl, and Patty at Calm Acceptance, although they were awarded by Shadow. Great minds think alike.

21. Christy at Color me Healthy. Taking life by the horns. What a ride.

22. Lulubelle, who has been with me from the beginning and is beautiful. thank you. Thanks for the reminder that there is beauty in the breaking. Thanks for your random thoughts...

23. A beautiful Disaster. thank you for writing. even when it is hard. You sparkle indeed.

24. Broken Child. Please take care, and Tamera at Desire to HeAL.
25. Lady in a Net, i am new to you but i find your inspiring.

26. Two glasses half full, is definitely a place for peace, and some good thoughts to get you buy. How about half full of lemonade. thanks!

27. and Courageous Steps. A great blog, and a great euphemism. you may be clinically clueless, but have clued me into some healing thoughts. thanks.

I do hope the you all enjoy reading and reaping from these friendships as well. Ta ta for now.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wordless Wednesday!

10 things no one knows about me:

question courtesy of Jess Mistress of Mischief.
when i asked for readers
to ask me things they want to know.

1. i don't do major housework,
i surface clean...and fake the rest.

2. i haven't read an entire book through for at least 3 years.
i have stacks of books around but haven't finished any of them.
3. i don't spend quality time with my kids anymore;
i am always irritable, and i don't give them enough attention.
4. i haven't read a bedtime story
to my kids in so long....i can't remember.
my husband reads to them and tucks them in.
it is something i already regret.
5. i promised myself i would live with NO REGRETS,
and yet, i have many of them.

okay...these are pretty negative and i am wondering why i am so hard on myself. he didn't say write ten AWFUL things about myself...just 10 things, which tells me that I am kind of depressed, RIGHT NOW, I am going to stop this confession and think of 5 positive balance it out. And then I am going to get off the computer and resolve the five things I just recognized about myself that I regret and work on changing them.

6. i take a lot of pictures.
my kids know that their lives are important
because they are well documented.
i always want to take pictures of them
accomplishing things.
i support them in everything they want to do.
7. i let my kids eat dessert first.
i figure that if they eat the good stuff first
they might be too full for dessert so
we eat the sweet first. yummy.
our motto is: Life is short, eat dessert first.
8. i spend a lot of time with my grandparents.
even losing my grandmother,
i know that i spent the time I needed to with her,
and now I continue to see my grandpa
and talk to him often.
I have no regrets there.
9. i date my husband,
and i love it. (and i love him,
he is amazing, which makes me feel pretty good,
because he loves me, just the way that i am.)
10. i believe in Jesus Christ,
and I love to share my feelings about Him,
He has done so much for us.
I think this is probably the most important
thing that I could come up with about me
that is good.
He makes ME worthwhile.

11. i am adding one because i need to say it.
I am a good mother.
I have faults, so I am not perfect,
and I don't think being perfect is
the most important thing.
I snuggle my kids, they know I love them,
we are a pretty good combo,
my husband and me.
The kids don't lack for anything
between the two of us,
and that is all that matters.
I don't have to do everything,
what i do is enough.
So, @11: I AM A GOOD MOM.
and I am trying to do better
at a lot of the things that I wish I did
, and that is what matters most.

phew...that was hard.
thanks for asking....i think i made it
harder than was necessary.
and not really even interesting. just painful.

maybe i need a redo.

and not make it so HARD.
A little on the lighter side
would have been nice. oh well.
i am going to post it anyhow.
It feels a bit like confession,
and will be good for me to leave here,
in my healing place.
and to work on the things i found
that i want to change...or make better

thanks for reading...

or at least for the kindness
you extend in commenting.

Have a happy day!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


"the Fierceness of NOW." those are some of the words being used to describe what was just seen as history as President-Elect Barack Obama took the helm of America while looking over the sea of humanity from the inaugural platform. He describes our America as being amidst gathering clouds and storms, but as people we must remain faithful to the founding documents.

I love that, because I love words, and if we could be more true to the documents that founded our great nation, amidst the storms of the past, if we could remember that we have made history of worse times than we face now, if we could be true and faithful, we will prevail. And we will prevail a much stronger, much more compassionate, much more happy nation. Because we are in charge of our own happiness, because it is up to us to achieve it.

He talked today about the friend that we are to so many nations, and the friend we must become to all nations. "Our founding fathers faced with peril troubles we can scarcely imagine," loosely quoted. "Our power grows through prudent use." Anyone who parents knows this truth.

"Our patchwork heritage is our strength"...and like a "parents willingness to nurture a child...nothing is so satisfying as giving our all to a difficult task."

He talks about our America as being amidst a crisis, a nation at war, with a weakened economy. That we must make hard choices. That in the very way we use energy today we are strengthening our enemies. There is a nagging fear that the next generation must lower their sites. He says, "the challenges are real....but they will be met. On this day we choose hope over fear...unity over dissension."

Two prayers opened and closed the inaugeral address, "May we have wisdom to work for a prosperous nation and peaceful planet, ...responsibility in our actions and humility in our approach." and,

"What if the mightiest word is LOVE."

What if...

A poet recited. "Each day we go about our business..all about us is noise..and bramble...and thorns...each one of our ancestors is on our tongue...we are repairing the things in need of repair...we walk into that which we can not see...many have died to make today...the figuring it out at the dinner no harm...take no more...and yes, What if the mightiest word is love?"

"Lord, thou keep us in the path, ...may we forever stand true to thee."

It was an inaugural address that I am proud to know my kids will never forget, and always remember....and not because Barak is black, but because he said "Yes, we CAN", because there is possibility of unity, because they feel the responsibility of their future is true to their own desire of their heart, their dreams can come true, and all and only because they are willing to work for what they have.

Nothing is given, but that which is worked hard for is earned.


Sunday, January 18, 2009

Why I sit through Church.

Why I sit through Church.

notice the period at the end of that title. because it is a statement, not a question.

here goes:

I love the music.
I love being able to sit for three hours once a week.
I love learning.

not in that order necessarily.

so here is what i learned this week,
that will keep me coming back for more.

This past Sunday was High Council Sunday. For those of you who are not Latter Day Saints of the Church of Jesus Christ, as I am;

definition here: High Council does not mean they are passing out pot, however, if that will get you to try coming...go ahead and think so and join us. This is better than pot, or any other recreational high. this is better, and yes, I can speak for that.

So, High Council Sunday has been said to be Dry Council Sunday, or Nap time Sunday, many LDS congregations avoid High Council Sunday, even the Men on the High Council make fun of it. It is generally the longest meeting of the month, the most painful meeting of the month, and you are guaranteed a nap. It has been said. I actually love High Council Sunday, and not because of the drugs...jk.

okay, so here is what I learned at church this past Sunday:

Brother W. recalled that Joseph Smith, who translated the Book of Mormon, [that little book lovingly being held in Macks arms in the picture below...go ahead, scroll down, and come back - I will is easier than linking to it.

go ahead, i am waiting...

okay, your back. good.

so, he was recalling the story of Joseph Smith reading the Bible and reading in James 1:5, "if any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God."

But he didn't stop there, he went on to say the following passage,

verses 6-8: But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering.
For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." see why I listened...a double minded...unstable man...[well, woman], yes, I thought he was talking ABOUT me.

You can't serve two gods, he goes on to say. And personally, I know this to be true, so I am really listening here. He goes on to teach that thoughts and actions if that do not conform to our own asperations and intentions of the heart we must purify our hearts and actions of all double mindedness.

the bottom line here is stability. the less stable, the less happy we are. I mean a house built upon an unstable foundation will crumble and fall. He is now teaching about becoming one minded, and the wrestling between "I really should, I really shouldn't", our personal inner war, and how hard it is to wrestle with what is right and wrong.

No matter your religion, we all have this to work with. A house divided fails, hence, divide and conquer. it is self-destructive. Which is why we make covenants, promises, why we follow our inner compass, or at least, why we should.

We are more pure and more divine if we follow our inner compass, it will bring us to what we are becoming a much happier people.

We live moment by moment, sometimes minute by minute, decision by decision. In order to have balance and harmony within us is a matter of what we do externally with the moment, minutes, decisions.

We have to learn to be true to ourselves, in order to have fullfillment, and pure joy.

No worries, if you are double minded and unstable. Me too.

But we can become single minded. First we have to become confident in our decision to do so. To really focus on doing.

This is a good time, as good as any, to commit to do better at the things that we know and feel are right. Every one of us has an inner compass, which compass guides and directs us.

Me, I am going to take his words to heart. I am going to remember the feeling I had Sunday, and access that which I know to be true to become what He, my Father in Heaven, knows I can become.

Father in Heaven is God, we just like to call him Father, it is more endearing. We also call him God, so whatever.

But I know that He knows me, He cares about me, and He does want me to find my inner potential and beauty, particularly because He has given to me children to raise and I think He doesn't want me screwing up the beginning of their lives.

I know about this because I make a lot of mistakes, and I feel the reprimand of a Father.

So what do we do when we find ourselves in a fog? Where is the comfort that we can find our way back to where we need to be? To become one minded. To become single minded. To be stable. Because if there ever was a drug being handed out for stability that would be the one I would want.

Well, we believe in an Atonement. That is basically what our Savior Jesus Christ did for us. And it is what brings us at one with him. hence the a tone ment, meaning at one me and T. The T is like the cross that Jesus died on. Okay, our church doesnt teach it that way....but I am big on figuring out ways to remember how to spell things, and I came up with this when I was a teenager, maybe pre-teen. And it has stuck with me.

What does the at one men T mean to me?

To become my true best self. The transformation of me is my personal journey. It is about becoming my best me, becoming the most wonderful person that I can possible become, putting all my effort, my faith, my soul into trusting in the Father in Heaven, accessing the power of the love from Jesus Christ, and becoming ME.

With or without religion isn't that a natural feeling that we all have as humans, how do I become my best self. It is a conquer the world kind of feeling.

Well, I believe them when I hear them say the worth of a soul, a single soul is amazing. I believe them when they say that Heavenly Father does not gage us by our deeds alone, he sees our infinate worth. What we are becoming.

So, in my own tendency to be double minded and unstable, I have hope that what I am becoming is enough. That I can believe this and it is enough to just keep doing my personal best every day. And then letting him work a miricle on me. Let him make me who he sees me to become. Give of myself where I can. Lift someones burdens so they are lighter for them, where I can. Love one another, and just keep trying my very best. It is enough. And when the time comes, to accept what the Savior does, to make up the difference, and just say thank you. Those words, Thank you. For what he had done for us is enough. And it can heal us. He heals us.It was and always is the way back to our Heavenly Home. To trust, to believe, to do our best, and then to allow Him to do the rest.

I am pretty excited as I think about this. Yes, discouragement will still come in it's moments, but it is good for me to know that today, I knew. I am good on the picture
to find out more
about my church

go ahead,
there is a reason
he is smiling like that!

Sunday Funnies: "Question of the Day"

Mom, What's a VCR?

helps for healing

"The artist doesn't have time to listen to the critics. The ones who want to be writers read the reviews, the ones who want to write don't have the time to read reviews."--William Faulkner

"In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these." --Paul Harvey

"We do on stage things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else."----Tom Stoppard

klept from steve

for more inspiring quotes see ...

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

to heal

larryG, two words. fabulous read.

uplifting inspiring

today, tomorrow

no room

for yesterday

two night

i wrote: [to steve]

you have
walked though
some stuff
with me
that has
my thoughts
in a
positive light

this...these words
to him
dear friend
best friend
my past.
some one
who knew


i am listening to my music...
i am ramblin on
i am not sleeping

he tells me this:

"what can you possibly do now that you
have not already done back then that
will change the outcome tomorrow?

you can only control how it affects you"

i need to focus on this...
i need to reflect, let go
and ponder

two words

forgive me

forgive them
for they
no not
what they

to heal
Thank You.


Saturday, January 17, 2009

repost of erased

I have been reading back on some of my posts,
reflecting what has brought me strength through this
and I came across this.

I still feel passionate about this
and wanted to reshare it.
because i had a few people
who were with me through
the painful times in my life.

i have come across one of them
and he is an amazing person
to have held my secrets for so long
he was there during the hardest parts
of my painful childhood.

he knew my friend who was part of the

there I said it, :the rape

i have noticed a couple of new readers
who have used their voices
i hope they have some one like i did
to turn to
who doesn't remove the pain
but is willing to go through it with you

thank you to my friend
and to ALL of you who
have become my friends,
and who are with me on this journey

YOU are amazing.
and if I could hug you all
i would. thing.
my sister found me,
my cousin found me,
i want to thank them for
being so understanding
for the kindness they
have shown to me
and for teaching me
that my experiences are not WHO i am
they are just in my past
my future is up to me.



my life is better.[now]
that much i know,

i have had wonderful friends.
people who have understood me
you know who you are if you read this.
in high school, in my neighborhood
not one, but three essential people
who listened, who didn't run from
my nightmare, but stood with me
through it. no YOU didn't go through
it, but I think what you did standing by me
was harder than what I was dealing with
you who loved me
you who listened to me
you who saw the pain in my eyes.
you who felt the pain in my heart.
YOU are amazing people
the couple of you who knew things,
who helped me through
tough times. THANK YOU."


Link to this:

She, Tina, writes the most amazing poetry.

It's just too late
the hope is gone
she's yesterday's ashes
she can't go on

She hasn't been on for a while, but her words are an amazing reflection of my soul. I am doing a great deal of thinking after reading her.

when i stumble
and trip along the way
i feel like a flower wilting
on a hot summer day

and many more...check her out

Hope you all are well ♥

Please excuse Mile 191 for her absence....

Please excuse Mile 191 for her absence....

Can I write an excuse note for myself....I have been broken down at another Mile in my life...and being stuck there have been absent from here..

So, here goes.

First order of business: THANK YOU for the lOVe and kindness in your comments and for reading and still reaching out to me while I have been gone,

I have been blogging and FB on my alter sites. Some of you know me. Some of you know my other sites. And thankfully I have been on that layer; Which is a more carefree layer. This has been my place when I feel sad and stuck in the past.

At least HAS BEEN....I am now sharing my progress with you...I am in a better place. Still some bad days, and moments. But mostly I feel that I am doing good.

I recognize that comes from the HEALING. WhiCH HEALING came from what WORK i have done HERE.

So it is kind of good news that I have been absent. Because that means I have been on a happy level. Plus I started back into school, so my intellect has been firing.

Okay. THe POINT is that I don't believe in biting the hand that feeds you....I feel that people should never be forgotten. THe LEGS you STAND ON, per say. AND you all here are my LEGS, and the HAND THAT FEEDS ME the sense of you support me so much in my emotional and mental struggle and I don't want any of you to think that I FORGET YOU.
I do not forget, and I do check my comments and they fill my cup. is my post from my alter site...I want to share with you how I feel I am doing today:

I love and appreciate all you do to support me.

I look forward to blogging some more happy moments with you, I am feeling pretty good right now, and when I look back on this site at where I have been I know that I have been on a journey, which has brought me to where I am now,
and I am THANKFUL.

Love and hugs to all of you for your kind love and support. I plan to check in on all of you. So leave me a comment, so that I know you were here and I will be back to see how you are doing. Sound okay to you.


Here is my happiness today:

Okay, so I was out checking out my friendly bloggers sites and an idea popped into my mind that sounds SOOOOO fun that I am going to do it for Family Home Evening.

FHE [for short] is a night that we, as LDS - Mormons - spend together each week, singing, praying, reading scriptures, having a lesson, eating a yummy treat; and in our house we do the pledge of allegiance as well [so we have an assignment for every person.] If you want more info about my religion just link to it from the sidebar and below, picture of Christ.

So, here is my idea: my friend had made a mailbox for her son and he was so enjoying it. I am going to have my kids make their valentines boxes after school Monday, and then have them make valentines for each other. Then we will have a mailperson assigned every week and on Mondays they can deliver the mail to the mailboxes for the entire month of February. Four weeks, four kids, four opportunities to write each other and to recieve mail from each other. I am pretty excited.

Do any of you have ideas to go along with this??? The plan is in the making so I would love any input. Thanks for reading, and for sharing your world with me and my family. We are better off because of you!!! Over and OUT!
And, speaking earlier of my religion. The one person who knows how to truly love; my main squeeze, is Christ. [okay, yes, that was cheesy] Anywho, He is the top of the love chain for every one of us. If you don't already have an idea of how much, go ahead, check into it for yourself. He loves me, and he Loves you. And what better time of life than now to find out just how much. Love yourself enough to look into it. It's amazing!!!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

some of the love...

...still Christmas at out house...
peaceful and sweet
the kids letting me sleep
turning the lights to dim
and the tree on

one hour at a time
stories and memories
keep us smiling as the New Year comes in

resolutions to make
old ones to account for
and no reason to not be thankful
we have you.

Happy New Year....

and in a few you will have our resolve to go and do

I have officially named my Grandmothers birthday
as Me Improvement Day
at our house

she was one cool lady
and to resolve to be more like her
on her Birthday
I can't think of a better way to
honor and celebrate her

I will forever leave my Christmas lights on
until the day of her birth
for that was how she saw fit
to keep Christmas

and under the light of the tree
I will find ways to improve me.

Happy Me Improvement Day to you all!
January 9, 2009

Saturday, January 10, 2009

not much

Not sure that I have much to write.
I can't sleep.
Insomnia has a hold of my head and I am stuck; awake.

I wish for rest to come.

Hope that this finds everyone having success in the New Year.

I do feel so much gratitude for the friendship and support that I have recieved.

I hope to be back to blogging as the week comes.
I just haven't felt up to it.
Thank you all who check in on me.
I do appreciate you.

Hey, how about some questions?
Steveroni did an interview post.
It was fun to read.
What do you all want to know from me?

I don't know quite what to write about these days....I feel kind of numb emotionally, and I am not sure that I like this feeling.

I know, medication and help, suppose to be good for you, but I don't think I like it.

I like feeling my life, I like feeling MY feelings.

I knew this would happen, and I don't know if I can keep it up.
I will keep getting help,
I just don't know about the Meds.

So, ask away.
Give me something to write about.
Thanks ahead of time. ....oh, and happy sabbath.

I think I should find a funny to post.
My Sunday Funnies.
I have really been off haven't I.
Well, heres to Sunday, and to you, love and hugs.
♥, Hope.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

writing to heal

it's been a while since i have written much.
i came to a good place in my journey,
and i feel a lot of hope.
i accepted help.
professional help.

probably because,

no actually BECAUSE of so many of you.

you friends here who have given me hope
and have given me a desire to seek help,
and helped me to realize that I am worth the help.

I know I began this journey to feel like I have a voice,
to speak out and to be empowered by my words and my story.
Because by writing about it I feel it is no longer a secret.
And I have felt like it doesn't make me a broken mess.

Broken maybe, but not a mess.
I always felt that if anyone knew
the real truth that they would not be able to like me,
or that it would be like having the plague;

they might still like me but have to avoid me
because whatever it was it was really bad.

I don't feel like that anymore.

Today I just wanted to write to say, I am still here.
I am not sure that I have much to say today.
But I needed to say thanks.
Thanks for still checking on me,
even though right now the rut I am in doesn't have words.

THanKS! ♥

Monday, January 5, 2009

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191