come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Sometimes things aren't what they seem. I suppose that if you take a look at someones family portrait you can make whatever assumptions you want. Families can be frozen in that moment in time looking pretty happy. That was never the case in my family portrait. There were always tear stained eyes, slight traces of bruises, and the darkness that deeply scarred my eyes...that is if you took a chance to look close enough.

We had our family portrait done just recently and it made me really ponder. I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to be a part of something different.

As bad as things were I need to take the time to reflect on all that I have now. I allow myself to be so consumed sometimes...grieving all that was, grieving all that is lost....grieving things that can not be changed. I forget to delight in the moments of today, the moments that I am granted without hesitation, the beautiful moment of having a loving husband and beautiful, sweet, tender, and compassionate kids. I am spoiled, I need to be more thankful.

I am thankful. i MAY be struggling with some things, but I am thankful.

Happy Tuesday!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Trigger Warnings

Many times as I blog browse I find Trigger Warning kindly attached to some posts. I know that if I am not strong that moment that I should not even attempt to read. Sometimes when I have read I have been triggered in ways that take days to overcome, so I have learned to pick and choose and remember that your writing is for your healing, as is mine. And together we are certainly doing one another great things in way of support and not feeling alone in the world as a Survivor.

This week I have been quite melancholy and have found myself in much pondering. My love letter was part of that, knowing the anniversary, the first anniversary, of losing my Grandmother is upon us....

Well, I have been quiet in heart, and my thoughts have been flooded. I have been good to try to rest, yet life is pulling me in so many directions.

Here I found myself scanning the television for something to take my mind off what I am feeling and came across two shows. With over one hundred channels why, WHY WHY did I have to come across these.

First, Burt Reynolds and Dolly Pardon in The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. I know that I have written about this before, and I refuse to go back and see what I wrote. For that matter I have never gone back and read any posts, save the one about my friend Bunny.

At first I was entranced, thinking "oh, I haven't seen this since I was a kid". There was no TRIGGER WARNING so I watched a few minutes.

It was then that I noticed that I was sweating and shaking. I was at best feeling like I was going to have an anxiety attack. It was BRUTAL.

I couldn't even touch the remote. I felt like I was bound and gagged by my past. I began to realize just how warped my childhood was. Okay, here I say if I myself feel I had a normal childhood.

I could not believe in a thousand moments of time that I was allowed to watch such crap. And if that wasn't enough....I WAS TRIGGERED....

I remembered, my daddy daughter date...AGAIN.
The one HE took me to.

I remembered going into the church, dressed as Dolly Pardon, he was dressed as Burt Reynolds. The theme of the evening was to come as a famous couple. He thought it would be fun to come as them portraying the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas....

Are you FUCKING kidding me????? This was a church activity. A PRE-Young Womens activity. I was probably ELEVEN years old.
And he was portraying that I was his WHORE. In public.

To think of that, to think of the fact that my leaders didn't DO anything, didn't SAY anything. They let this small child be accompanied by a MONSTER who would dress her as his WHORE.

I can't even write about what happened on the way home. I am pretty sure it is already here in my book posts, and I am too weak, to weary to share right now. It is sick and twisted, and scarring and I feel trapped in the emotional, mental and physical death of my soul being TRIGGERED in this way.

I feel dead. I feel disgusting. I feel like a whore.

Finally I was able to turn off the movie.
I switched the channel.
The movie "The Notebook" was on.
I thought that would be better,
maybe take me out of the panic
I was feeling.

But the tears came,
as I thought of my Grandmother.
My dear Grandmother
who had Alzheimer.

And my dear Grandfather
who loved her
who took care of her.

With my heart aching
I shut off the television
And cried myself to sleep.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Dear Grandma,

Love Letters is a feature of LarryG. After reading last weeks post I decided to take the challenge in healing by writing a Love Letter to my Grandmother who passed away last year on the 26th of October. This weekend will mark the anniversary of the last moments that I had with her, she passed away last year early Sunday Morning of the 26th, which will be Monday of this coming week. I pray for peace as I write this to her.

Dearest Grandmother,

I miss you. I miss your crooked smile, your endearing eyes,
your enduring hugs, your love for me and your listening ear.

I realize as I miss you that I can look at a picture and see your smile, I can try to gaze into your eyes and imagine you are looking only back at me, I can read your history and wrap a blanket around myself pretending that I am in the warmth of your arms, and I can close my eyes and still feel the love you have for me. Sometimes while my eyes are closed I pretend that I am talking to you, telling you all about life, the things I would tell you if you were here. And then I wait, and in the silence I know that you are not here, and I miss you.

I miss you so much that my heart feels broken in half. I wish that I could give part of it to you so that I could feel healing in your presence. I know that I will have to wait, and as I ponder what it is that I will do while I am still here I think of all the things that I will miss telling you, miss sharing with you.

You told me once of a dream that you had. A dream that you realized was about me the day I was born. Grandma, I dream about you now, and I wonder when my dreams will come true. I want to see you again, to see you whole, and healthy, taking a walk in all the places you loved being while you were here.

I think about all that you are doing there. I think about the amazing people you are with, and how you are helping them to feel special, the way you made me feel. I don't want to take you from your work, or from them. I try to be strong but I find myself crying and pleading for just one more day, one more moment. One more chance to hold your hand, to tell you I love you. To tell you thank you for being there for me. To tell you that you are my everything. I didn't have enough time, never enough time, and I didn't have the words to say good bye. I didn't want to see you hurting anymore. I didn't want you to suffer, but I wanted to keep you with me.

I suppose that all these things should make me try harder. To have hope and to seek to do all the righteous things that will bring me to you again someday. I wish I had the strength in my life to fulfill that desire. I feel so weak. I feel so broken. You understood me, you listened to me, and you always cared about how I was really doing, not just the surface stuff, but the real insides of my soul.

Grandma, I miss you. I wonder if you are watching me sometimes, and if you are disappointed in what you see. If you still love me, really knowing me for who I am. The who that I hide from everyone else. The me that is really me. Do you still love me?

I picked an apple from your tree last time I was there. I wanted to bring it too you, to bottle it or dry it, or slice it and have a snack with you, a snack harvested from the grace of God. I wonder what will come in my life, what the seasons will bring, what I will harvest, and who I will share it with. I wonder if I am doing all that I can, and should be doing, to nourish my family, their souls, and will my family reap a good harvest someday.

I think of all you taught me, your hard work and diligence. The faith and testimony that you had and so lived your life to emulate. I think of the lessons I learned from you going to primary with you, and then when you made me go to Relief Society. I so didn't want to go without you. I didn't want to grow up. I wanted to stay with you, but you knew better. You knew that I needed to be moving on, growing, and that growth would be painful, but would bring me the most joy. I learned then that I would be okay, without you.
I wish I believed that now.

Thank you for all the memories. There is not a holiday that I don't think of something that I want to incorporate because of you. This year has been hard for me. I don't think I am finished grieving but I am hopeful that it is time to move on, to accept the pain as growth, and to be okay. I miss you, I always will, but I thank you that I can look in the mirror and see all that is good of you looking back at me. Thank you for giving me that.

I love you.

your granddaughter

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


...not tomorrow, not yesterday...Today.

I decided that I would quickly take a minute to write before I get to my homework. I am so behind in school and really struggling this semester to keep up. My kids are getting older, busier, our schedule is so SCHEDULED.

I do have some, much, time to myself, but find myself not getting done what I should be. Can I say overwhelmed??? Absolutely, but also thankful.

Today I just want to focus on being thankful for the ability to greet each day with ABILITY. I can do so much. I may struggle with a great deal internally, but I am physically so able to do all the things that each day brings. Not that I feel perfectly perfect, but I have the perspective that I am really able to do much, and thankful for that Ability.

So often I have written complaints here and there, whining about all that is pulling me down. Today I just wanted to say that I am aware of all that I can do, and I am thankful.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Need a sign???


This is an animated graphic. [It's a freeway sign in Texas that changes the message every few second....all messages from God.]

[let me know if you see it now....the animation doesn't seem to be working...

It will automatically change to a new message for you to view.

Here are some of the messages it changes to:

Big bang theory? You've got to be kidding. --God

I love you, and you, and you, and you... --God

Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. --God

You think it's hot here? --God

My way is the highway. --God

The "Love my Neighbor" thing, I mean it!!! --God

Loved the wedding,
invite me to the marriage. --God

We need to talk. ---God

Tell the kids I love them. --God

Keep using my name in vain
and I will make rush hour longer.

Come on over,
and bring the kids. ---God

Need Directions? --God

Follow me. --God

Let's meet at my house
Sunday before the game. --God

Will the road you are on go to my place?

Have you read my #1 seller?
There will be a test. ---God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not"
didn't you understand? ---God

Have a beautiful day ♥

love, mile 191

Monday, October 5, 2009


I took the What's Your Mental Disorder? quiz and the result is You're Not Crazy.

"Who are you trying to fool. You are just an average person with average mental stability. You may freak out every now and then, but who doesn't. Sorry to disappoint you but this should be a good thing, right?"

I am not sure what to think about this.....average mental stability....HEAVEN help our world if I am average.....

My angry little girl

This forum for healing works so well for me. There is so much that each of you say that contributes to my thoughts during the week (s). Thank you.

I think that Patty hit it right saying maybe it is the angry little girl who didn't get to have a childhood, maybe she is jealous. This I have been thinking a lot about.

hmmm, so yesterday my husband asked me why I am so mean. I have the tendency to snap at everyone and say things that are so WRONG. Or ....I wont say anything at all, I'm just silent, and everyone knows I am hurting.

When he asked me it was good timing because instead of being defensive or angry about it I was able to take a minute and ponder what he said, think of my behavior and actions, and say, "you are right, I am sorry". It felt so good!!! To just realize and accept that I have a problem, a pain inside of me, and I need to work on it.

I told him I need to talk more. I need some of his time, attention to what is going on inside of me. He asked me if there is something really wrong with my thoughts right now that is causing this, and then in his amazing forgiving way he listened without judgement, giving me the attention to my pain, and nurturing me.

If this worked....If this was the solution, I would be healed.

It is helpful, but the healing has to come from within me.

I have read your comments from my last post, I am pondering them, and today....I am writing mainly in respons to my Angry Little Girl. She is really ANGRY, really JEALOUS, really HURT. She is in pain....

I have much to ponder, but this stood out.

I have a daughter, she is 12, nearly 13. She is trying for Student Body Officer and I have given her an entire week of poster making and speech and interview preparation. I have tried to be there for her 100%. I do not think I feel angry or jealous about doing this for her. I love her.... Sometimes I think that I do take out a lot of my pain on her, and it is not fair. [to her, to me, to our mother daughter relationship]

My husband works an incredible amount of hours, I miss him, it is so hard to raise children and to feel lonely doing it. I know his support of our family is critical in this economy, he is under a tremendous stress, and he wishes he could be there more with us as well. This bandaid thinking does not heal the frustration that I feel day in and day out at working/ lonliness.

I am saying a lot of things right now, here....random thoughts I suppose, but things that I am feeling.

I had some body memories last night, terrible feelings, awful thoughts. I haven't had that for a while. I think it is a reflection of the stress that I am under mentally.

Well, I will go back and read....and think, and be back soon to reflect what I am hopefully working on and hopefully healing....

Thanks for listening ♥

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191