come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Wednesday Warrenty

My 14 year old sons Skullcandy
headphones got sat on.

These headphones are in no way cheap.
My daughter saved and bought them
for him for Christmas.

Actually she paid half,
I think they were about 60$!!!

Being that they were damaged
my son remembered the WARRANTY.

I told him warranty's don't cover

After reading the warranty he called to me
and read it to me...

Warranty info:

[my comments are in green]

[of course]

"Skullcandy is proud to provide the best product warranty in the industry: If this product should fail in your lifetime, we will replace it at no charge."

[sounds reasonable]

[here is where it got interesting]

"If the product is damaged by
aggressive music listeners sliding a rail,
sliding down the emergency ramp of your aircraft,
slammed in your locker,
slammed in your car door,
run over by a car,
running into a wall,
getting run out of town,
mountain biking,
road biking,
sky diving,
beating your boyfriend unmercifully,
getting beat down by the man,
blown up in an accidental
experimentation with flammable substances,
or damaged in any other everyday experience,
it means you are living your life
the way we want our product used!

In these, or any other damaging events,
we will replace the product
for a 50% discount from retail.

Love, Skullcandy"

[so, i guess sitting on them
is covered]

Are you living your life???

Monday, June 22, 2009

I am thankful....

Hey, I am feeling okay. Still not getting much done. I don't understand my physical and mental condition right now. I have the time, somewhat have the energy, yet every day I put off doing the things that I have the time and energy to do, and end up no better off the next day. Still need to be working on my bedroom. I got started and so now my living room is a mess of things from my bedroom. REALLY A MESS. I forgot that I had piano lessons for my kids today...yikes...we are so off schedule.

I am thankful for the sunshine today. We have had rain for so long.

I am thankful that my family is all safe. Some were caught up in the tornado's, I am so thankful that they are safe and healthy, and with a new baby in the mix of the severe weather.

I am thankful that my loved one is able to spend the summer with her daughter.

I am thankful that my kids are healthy, that my husband has a job, that I am able to hug and play with my children, they are delightful, forgiving, and so FUN.

I am thankful for the childlike innocence that allows them the protection from the problems that I suffer. They are amazing, and they are whole because of a Savior who comforts, protects, and keeps them from harm, and harmful effects that I could cause them with my healing process.

I am thankful we have food, and neighbors, and loved ones.

I am thankful for flowers, for brooms, for cleaning supplies, for date night, for socks, for covers at night, and books to read...

I am thankful for friendships that I have made here, and for your amazing strength and support, for your sharing your most intimate details that give me the strength to move forward with faith that we all can heal, we can move forward to a better place in our lives, leaving behind all that is yucky....

Here is the deal...I collect everything...I mean EVERYTHING. Heaven forbid I throw anything away, I would be ungrateful. Yet by keeping everyTHING, my things own me, they govern me, they suffocate me.

I have to be willing to part with my substance, simplify...realize what is most important and move forward with only those things....

Those things include...

my children
my husband
food and clothing....within necessary reason
books...a few...and share the rest
covers for sleeping...

cleaning supplies...

a few essentials that are for, jewelry...

and yet, only enough that I am not SUFFOCATED...

So, I am off again, to keep this in mind and CLEAN away....the past...

and in the meantime, let go of the past, the chapters in my story, my book,
are just that, read and to be strengthened in knowing that
an amazing person came out of all the tragedy,
the didn't break me...I will be healed,
I will be whole.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

its raining, its pouring

Since the beginning of summer for my kids we have not seen even one day without rain. Things are really clean and green and I am actually enjoying the weather. Maybe because there isn't much to do...feed the ducks, bake cookies....and TONS of housework, that I incessintly put off. Today I am setting a goal to clean out my room. I hope to have my entire room moved into the front room by evening....and then to get the carpet cleaned, and begin moving is more for me, but I am going to call it my Happy Fathers Day gift....Happy Wife, Happy Life.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Laker Love ♥

Congrats to the LAKERS.....

Listening to the commentary last night
I heard something that I immediately
wrote on a slip of paper.

Talking about Kobe and the challenges
of going from the top,
to the bottom,
and back up again...

One of the commentators said:

"What you go through
is transportation to what
you're going to."

This was such an amazing thought.

This post is not so much about the Lakers winning,
while I am celebrating with many great fans

It is about what we all go get to what
we are going to....

Our lives transportation....

struggles, frustrations, loss
all brings us to our championships!!!

May you have hope and strength
in all you are going through
in transport to what you are going to!!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Me Again...

Today my brother in law's facebook setting said:

...thru all of lifes up's and down's I have learned one thing, it is how we deal with them that really matters...

This really struck me.

I really needed to hear those words. I have been reading a little and came across this:

" not allow yourselves to be made to feel inadequate or frustrated because you cannot do everything others seem to be accomplishing. Rather, each should assess her own situation, her own energy, and her own talents, and then choose the best way to mold her family into a team, a unit that works together and supports each other.

Only you and your Father in Heaven know your needs, strengths, and desires.

Around this knowledge your personal course must be charted and your choices made.”

- Marvin J. Ashton, “Choose the Good Part,” Ensign (CR), May 1984, p. 9

I am so good at telling others that it is okay for them to be who they are, and to take time to heal, and to be patient, and to allow themselves the right to feel the way that they do.

I am so good at not judging the condition of others homes, the choices they make with their children, and their personal desires. I have been told many times that I am a good listener, and that I really help others to feel better about themselves.

I am so NOT good at letting myself take the time to heal, at letting myself grieve without judgment, letting myself feel what I feel.

I wake up criticizing myself for the condition of my house, or my impatience with my children. I wake up thinking that I will do just one thing to make our circumstances brighter.

I go to bed criticizing myself for the condition of my house, my impatience again with my children. Thinking about all the things that I didn't do, and realizing that the only way to make my circumstances brighter is for me to KNOCK IT OFF.

I have got to stop being so critical of myself.

I know that it is not fun for my kids, for my husband, and certainly it is not fun for me.

I pick myself apart, and then do nothing about it, and then pick myself apart about that.

This quote today got me thinking....I have got to be nicer to myself, and take more of an interest in my family, my kids, or I will loose them, all the while losing opportunities to make better memories so that they will look back on childhood, and their mother, and say:

we had the best of times, we had the worst of times, but those were the times!

...thru all of lifes up's and down's I have learned one thing, it is how we deal with them that really matters...

Depression hurts, it is such an awful, achey breaking circumstances for the person and for those who love that person. This is my confession today, thanks for listening. Sorry to have such long breaks in between, but that is life right now. I am doing the best that I can to be where I need to be. Our computer has had problems,....and can't say that it is all better yet, but here I am, today, right now, and hoping to go to bed tonight feeling like I did some good in my world today.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

thanks everyone. it has been a bit, yet again. i am here, thank you for being here and for hearing me.

busy with the kids last weeks of school, and trying to hang in there. doing okay.

my computer has been down so i have had many days without access to the "world". weird how that is.

a couple of days, some organization techniques and into summer vacation we will be.

i look forward to some time to reconnect soon.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191