come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, February 27, 2009


"Looking at vegetable life, we see plants that grow in darkness. They are pale; they possess not the beauty of those that grow in open sunlight. When I was a youth, I remember being sent into the cellar late in the spring to sprout some potatoes. Every sprout was reaching out for that ray of sunlight that came through a little aperture!

And yet we go through life and see God's highest creation, man, turning his back on the light, and not as the potato sprout struggling therefore.

I wonder if we are magnifying our calling and are growing toward the light in a desire to be warmed by Christ's love? I wonder if we know just who we are? If we do, let us be obedient unto every commandment of the Lord our Father.

- Walter P. Monson, "Conference Report," April 1917, Outdoor Meeting, p.103

This thought is quite interesting to me today. I have felt myself in such darkness, and yet in darkness there is purpose.

In darkness we sprout and grow, and for some things and people the best they are is grown in darkness.

I think we each go through our experiences thinking that we are to become one perfect thing, that perfect thing is always out of our reach because we are trying to become what we see as perfect in others, not what we are to become ourselves.

We think because we see others doing something really well, that is the only way to do it. We think because our religion leads us in one direction that is THE ONLY WAY. But I am coming to understand the compassion of a loving Heavenly Father.

I am perfect in the way he created me. With my ability to love people, all people, and accept others come what may. I have come to this out of desperation to be loved myself, to be accepted myself.

Through my own darkness, depression, addictions, abuse, I have become me. A perfect ME, not because I am like everyone or anyone around me, but because I know that being me is enough.

I am discouraged everyday as I don't feel myself doing all that I should be, or all that I could be doing. I fail in so many ways.

I don't always do the chores I should, or have the patience I could. But I keep trying, and I am happy to just be me, whoever I am that day.

I am the first person to point out my faults, problem is picking just one of them to point out. And the real problem is that I shouldn't be doing that in the first place.

Grow where you are planted. We all need potatoes, they grow best in the dark. They are sufficient for their purpose, and they are needed for our nutrition. Wherever you are GROW, and be happy to be what you are.

Even if you feel like you are just a potato.

The quote in this talk was given almost a hundred years ago, but it's teachings are as applicable to how we feel today. My grandfather shared another talk with me and something in it has struck my chords in ways that have helped me to feel a little better in my journey to find hope and healing.

The talk was on tape and the writer was speaking about a potential conversation with the Lord.

The conversation went that the gentleman was talking to the Lord about what he had done in his life and the Lord said every time, "did you try", he said in response, "I tried...but I failed. I was only able to do this much..."

The Lord said, "I don't remember that part."

He is such a kind forgiving Lord. I believe that he loves us unconditionally.

That he gave us light and darkness, wisdom and weakness.

He wants us to grow, and GROWTH HURTS. It is not the easy times in life that we grow. It is the hardest experiences we have that we learn the most.

Please love each other. Accept each other. We are all in this thing called life together. No one is doing any better than the other person for we all have things we struggle with. We have loved ones around us who are struggling and we have to STOP going on about ourselves ignoring the ones we love because of our fears.

Walter Monson as a youth was sent to the potato celler. It was there that he learned that even potatoes in darkness reach for the light. But we know that without the darkness we wouldn't have the sweet and essential nutrition of potatoes. We need them.

We need each other. Be a potato for someone in your life. Find a way to reach with them in their darkness, or in yours. The is a bit of light there.

Spring is coming. Hang in there. Love and hugs to you all.
"I wonder if we are magnifying our calling and are growing toward the light in a desire to be warmed by Christ's love? I wonder if we know just who we are? If we do, let us be obedient unto every commandment of the Lord our Father."

...and the greatest commandment of all is to LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


this is from alanis rae: beauty in the rain. if you get a chance to go read her please do. she needs us.


So painfully true.
Vulnerability, body memories, flashbacks,
isolation, hopelessness have been my days.
Unable and unwilling to reach out
because I know no one around me can even
begin to understand. Would they even try?

I have a feeling they wouldn't.

and read mena...she is amazing. be there for her too. PLEASE. check out my side bar and read the people i read. they are all amazing. and my followers too. I am so thankful for you all.

I hope... [a rambling]

Wow, I feel like a new person. I have been in such a rut and it feels good to be working through it. I don't feel great. But I do have hope.

I can't say what has changed. I decided to come write to see if through my word processing I can understand a bit better.

I have been in a real state of confusion and sadness. The feelings of inadequacy, and hopelessness, just sure and pure depression. I can't really think of it now without realizing that I have put everyone around me through a lot. A lot of worry, a lot of confusion, a lot of frustration. And I have taken quite a bit of flack for feeling what I am feeling. I have had a lot of really negative input about myself.

Sadly, that doesn't make anything better. When a person is feeling down and out, they don't need to be criticized for it.

Seriously. I have had everything from Get Over It, to being gifted Self Help books, to being told what a jerk I am being.

Hello. I know I am not being my best self right now. That is part of being down and depressed. I accepted where I was at, and even tried to overcome it in a quick and not put everyone around me out. But you can't help feeling what you are feeling when you are feeling it. And I surely was.

Better than supressing it all and having to deal with that later on. I spent most of my life supressing and being strong for everyone around me. That is why I came here, to give it up and let it go. To analyze and overcome my past.

I am happy to say that this has been really good for me. You here have been really good to me.

Some of the best advice I have heard is that from my brother to my sister. I have to share this because it is worth recording and it makes me smile. He said to her...Be a slacker. That way no one ever expects more from you. If you start out everything you do being a slacker, than you can maintain that and people like you for who you are and what you do. Then if you do more, you are AMAZING.

But if you start out being your best self, that is what people will always EXPECT from you. If you start out mediocre that is what people expect from you.

I have put a LOT of thought into this. Mainly because it makes me laugh. My brother is SOOOOO great. He is his best self. Better than that. He is a happy person. Because he LIVES, really LIVES his life. And he is such an amazing person and gives so much to everyone in his life by just being him. I love this kid. I miss him. He is a butthead sometimes because I don't hear from him often enough. But because that has always been him I don't expect much more from him, and when I do hear from him he is a SAINT. Hence, his advice is working really well for him.

I hope this has made you at least smile to think about it. I have been smiling ever since my sister told me because she is SOOOO right. I have always been so strong, so over the top, so there for everyone. So, that is what they expect from me. And because right now I have been taking time for me. And being in my moment, and probably a lot selfish and needing to just cry and hurt and deal with being me. People don't expect that from me. So they are judgemental and bugged by my taking a break from my best self. If I were just a slacker from the beginning then I wouldn't be having the problems that I am having. So. Now I just laugh, and somehow the laughter is moving me on to the next level. Pulling me through it. Gotto love the thought. I mean seriously. If people are always giving their best, and then have a few bad days...they get fired. But if someone goes into life as a slacker and then gives a bit more one day, they get promoted, a raise, and awarded. We come to expect so much from those who give so much. I have been given much, and I have been there for everyone in my life, so my taking a breakdown is unacceptable and makes me a bitch. go figure.

okay...sorry for that interuption...but it makes so much sense to me right now.

This has also been the hardest thing I have done. I have been through a lot, but reliving it to let it go...harder.

To use my voice and not be afraid of what people will think of me. It definitly has not been easy because what people have thought and said to me has been at times very hurtful. You would think that all I would get would be support. But actually some of the people closest to me have been really critical.

I was at dinner with my husband last night and over a very enjoyable lobster [not something ordinary for us....hence, VERY enjoyable. we get to go out, but not for lobster...] Anyhow, we were talking and he said it was nice to see ME emerging. Coming out of my closet. I thought, how interesting that he would comment that is his impression. He said he wasn't sure I would pull through this depression, but that he has always had hope that I wouldn't stay broken.

Good to hear. Because I have had a lot to process, and I have hope that I haven't always been such a lost cause. I have needed space to work through some things, and I believe that I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think I have come through a lot and have more tools to use as I face uncertain and sometimes really bad days among the future. I am sure things are never going to be perfectly wonderful but I have such hope that I will be ready to enter the living again and be a better version of who I was, and who I am becoming.

I told him that I was sorry for what I have been putting him through. He said, no problem. I knew that you needed to go through it. I just worried that you would stay there. But good to seem me recognizing. He said he has no problem with where I have been, that he loves me and it is okay to deal with what I need to.

I told him that I have hurt a lot of people going through this. He said that I needed to do it, and it will get better. Not to worry.

So kind. And I needed his support.

I don't think it is ever wrong to take a break and deal with real raw feelings and emotions. Depression, anxiety, being over whelmed and feeling life is all reality.

For some it is the only reality that they ever know. For others it is a temporary moment.

But the one thing I know for sure is that during those times people need people to be kind. To understand and to care, and NOT to be so bitter, and impatient, and even sometimes I think we have to not be so honest.

You never can really understand a persons position in their life.

You can think you know. You can advise all you want. You can think you would handle it so much better. And maybe you would.

What people need is someone to understand. To care, to say I am sorry for what you are going through. Even: I love you. It's okay to feel what you feel. Take your time. What can I do?

Don't be offended if they say nothing, want nothing, and need to be where they are for a while. I guess that is what I have come to is a better understanding. Of what I have needed. What worked for me. What is working for me. And truly Patience, Love, Understanding that not Understanding is OKAY; these things have been what has helped me the most.

Thanks for being here. Those of you who read and comment, and care about me, those who know me and those of you who KNOW me only because you have taken the time to try to Understand, and Understand that you might never understand. But you care to you, take care of you. we are here.

These simple acts of being here with me are probably the single most thankful thing I have right now. Thanks. Thanks for caring to try to understand.

I think that the beauty here is that through adversity, through trials, through really hopeless and hurtful circumstances we become people who can really love and understand and help others. Compassion. There is a thought. We learn what compassion is, through the acts of kindness by others and in how we learn to respond. I guess something good really can come from having really hard times.

Hmmmm, I really am okay with all that I have been through because I like who I am becoming. I have a lot to work on, and would like to overcome still a lot. But today, I am happy to be me.

I am not happy with everything about me, I am not happy with a lot of things that I SHOULD be doing, or could be doing, and I have hurt a lot of people lately. I have a lot I want to fix in myself and my relationships. But I have hope and I am okay with the worst things I have had to go through to get to where I am now.

Life is worth it. I believe that there are really bad things that can happen. I am someone who easily hurts for others. I have a tendency to be really tender.

Living is amazing. But it requires that you are willing to really LIVE through what you experience; good and bad.

Franklin D. Roosevelt: "The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith."

Henry David Thoreau: "Dont destroy your peace of mind by looking back, worrying about the past. Live in the present, enjoy the present."

This is where I am today. Right now. I had no idea what I would write. I just knew that I needed to tell myself where I was at and what I was feeling. I really do write for me. So that I can observe myself through the one thing that I really understand, the written word.

I am in a better place today than I have been in a while. I hope to inch forward. I hope to be a light to others, in their journey forward in their lives. I hope that my life is better because I chose to Live it.

I hope.

Friday, February 20, 2009


..I got REALLY moody tonight and reacted VERY poorly to some situations.

I blogged about this but still don't feel that I have been really HONEST enough about how I feel, so here I my closet. To hopefully fix my frustrations by writing.

QUOTE [myself]:
"CONTENTION: an act or instance of contending,

an idea or point for which a person argues, competition.

Okay, I am always dissecting words and their meanings. I find that for me the process of working through things comes from true understanding of them.

Tonight we went out as a family.

I wrote on my family blog the positive highlights and infer that there are two sides to the story.

This is the other side of the story.

I find by looking at words, you can really move mountains...

... contention, KNOWING full well that that WORD is what caused my grief tonight amidst the peace of the Temple experience.

I even dissected the experience as we drove... TELLING EVERYONE ELSE THAT CONTENTION IS the awful root of DESTRUCTIVE REACTIONS that potentially can RUIN family experiences that would OTHERWISE be meaningful memories.

CONTENTION. So destructive, and truly satan's way of COMPETING with the spirit.

Let me suggest something that I discovered.

Usually in any given situation which contains CONTENTION, you just have to change a little something here or there. ie: a reaction, a choice of feeling a certain way because of someone else, forgiveness, hope, peace.

When I looked up the word contention I found the word CONTENTMENT right after contention.

Actually I found a lot of words surrounding contention, and none of them were as negative. In fact they included:

contemplation: the act of thinking about spiritual things: MEDITATION

contend: COMPLETE, to TRY HARD to deal with

...change one letter...

contenT: pleased, satisfied with what one has to do.

content - 2: to make content...[ ACTION], to SATISFY

content - 3: freedom from care or discomfort

contented: satisfied, or showing satisfaction with one's possessions or one's situation in life.

and FINALLY I want to get to the word: CONTENTMENT


now, i find in breaking apart these words that when you get rid of ION in contention and replace it with MENT that you have such a better SITUATION.

Here is where I have to suggest that there is two more really important words and definitions.

Tonight we watched a temple presentation which suggested the definition of restore as being to give back, to return and to put back to use or service.

The presentation talked about the RESTORATION of our church; The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; the gospel of Jesus Christ,

...and the truth that Families can be FOREVER because the church was restored and our covenants and promises, potentials were restored to us through our Prophet. I felt peace with this.

THEN I REACTED to the contention...rather than minding my own business and peacefully appreciating the moment.

So, tonight, I looked up the word contention and found contentment right next to it.

I thought how perfectly interesting. contentment has MENT, like in the word Atonement.

I have always seen the word ATONEMENT as being AT ONE ME N be at one with me and Christ. The T is the cross, Christ's sacrifice for each one of us and when we become ONE with HIM, he heals us, he carries our burdens, he makes our forgiving others possible, and he makes our being forgiven possible.

All this restored to us through the gospel, and our belief in it. My believing.

So tonight's CONTENTIONS really take on a new light, as I pick apart...I guess I don't need to really do the complaining about each incident. In this new light those circumstances are forgiven and forgotten.

I sat down with the intention to vent my frustrations, thinking certainly that someone would read them and feel really sorry for me. Then I picked up one of my Family History's: The Bigler Heritage. I opened it to page 106, the middle of the book and read from Daniel Erins Autobiography written one year before his death [makes writing a bit of personal history mean so much more to me]:

"This has been one of the grandest experiences that any man could have--to live with a wife of 56 years. Oh, we've had lots of fights, but they were never serious. My father told me the night I was married, he said, "Now Erin, (he called me Erin, everyone else called me Daniel) I want to give you a little advice. Regardless of how much trouble you and Jenny get into, when you kneel down to pray you put your arm around each other and kiss each otheer good night. The next morning there'll be a happy rainbow for you." I never forgot that. That has been the thing, we have never failed.

The night we were married, we knelt down by the bed and thanked God for the privilege we've had this day in His House of receiving the blessings of eternal marriage. From that day til this, there's never been a night but what she and I have knelt together and prayed and thanked the Lord for our children, for our grandchildren, and all our friends and neighbors and people who've come about us, and pray that we may be able in a pleasing manner to impress them with the principles of the Gospel that has kept us clean and pure all our lives."

Okay, this is a bit long, and it is getting late. But I had to say that I am VERY grateful for the wisdom of these historical words, and the blessing of being pushed a bit to open the book and instead of complaining away my whoas finding a way to show GRATITUDE for being blessed. Contention turns to contentment. And while the problems that happened tonight are not yet resolved, and I have some forgiveness to ask for [my being really mean; REACTING, and such], I HAVE HOPE. And the tools to now move on.

TODAY, our 16th anniversary, which celebrations I was ready to THROW away, and said hurtful things to my husband, and decided to write a rampage rambling, has turned soft.

I have to say thanks to someone for commenting tonight [on my family blog]:

"We women can be messed up emotional little things under the best of circumstances. Thank Heavens for the wonderful men that love us." ---BoyMom [she has 7 husband !!!THANK YOU BOY MOM...!!!]

This comment...made me think about my behavior. The influence we have on one another here is tremendous. Don't take it lightly, for your words made me rethink my reaction and now my actions to heal the hurt I caused will be softer.

And hopefully our 16th Anniversary will be as memorable as the many before, and we will be on our way to 56...g'nite and hugs and love to you...thanks for sharing our adventures! I am glad you are here with me!!!"

close quote

SOOOOO, here I come, to my closet. My reality when you scratch the surface. My writing and re-reading as I post here has really helped me to think....THINK...

And I THINK I will go to bed....sleep and seek forgiveness. I can be so unkind when I get my feelings hurt. I feel honestly so sad that I react the way that I do.

HMMMM, there is some good in me, and my kids got my GOOD tonight, in the end I did good to them. But my poor husband. I said some really mean things, and I feel bad. I know that I am under a LOT of stress, pressure, strain, PAIN, and trying to heal and forgive, but HE DIDN"T deserve my rampage. I must go, ask forgiveness, and heal in the arms of his love, sleeping it off. AND then I will review and hopefully RENEW and restore and CELEBRATE. TODAY 16 YEARS. Major for me. We made it thus far. On to another better 16 and beyond...

thanks, I really do appreciate YOU being here to read my ramblings...hugs ♥

Thursday, February 19, 2009

a curious case

had a date last night...with my husband

we saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button...

I am not a movie spoiler so I wont speak of the plot, or the summary, only a few quotes that struck me and my reaction to the movie.

I don't think I have ever said that I would NEVER see a movie again, in fact I love seeing movies more than once, and more often then not a movie that I LOVE I would see obsessively. Hence, Dangerous Beauty, hence, Secrets of the Traveling Pants, hence, Phantom of the Opera, hence, Man of La Mancha...Fiddler on the Roof, Meet Joe Black, and an abundance of Chick Flicks, even the man movies that my husband loves. I will watch pretty much anything more than once...

But this movie. No, I don't think I will EVER watch again.

It broke my already broken heart.

I am beyond in pain today. I don't know what I was thinking, seeing a movie about death. When I am still hurting so much because of deaths. The death of my father in law, the death of my grandmothers, the most recent death of my son's teacher [funeral this saturday...]

I began to cry as the buttons fell ...which is before the movie even begins.

BUTTONS. My youngest son collects them. My mom gave me the buttons from my grandmothers robe, the robe she wore the last year of her life. I sat yesterday with my mom, sewing buttons on my daughters 100 day project. One HUNDRED buttons to be sewn, hence our helping her out...NO I wouldn't normally do my childs homework....but help, YES.


and quotes...

I was struck by a few:

"Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life. Some people get struck by lightning. Some are born to sit by a river. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim the English Channel. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people can dance. "

My grandmother was a dancer...and a mother, and motherly to me.

"Your life is defined by its opportunities... even the ones you miss. "


"It's a funny thing about comin' home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you. "

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. "

double hmmmm...


"Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"

"You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go. "

These last two; are imprinted on my heart.

Let me explain, because I need to hear myself work through this. As I sat, openly crying, my eyes crying all the tears that I have held in for, well, ever. I was crying for my lost childhood, for being old before I was young. For missing my grandmothers, for missing my dad in law, the man who listened more than he spoke, for all the times my husband deserved more love than I gave him, for my kids, aching for the love they deserve that I have had to learn how to give, for so many reasons. I sat there unable to stop the flow of tears. We walked out of the theatre and I could have been the only person in that place, I couldn't stop crying. We went to my husbands work. As I sat across from him at his desk he looked at me and said, "I loved your Grandmother too. I am sorry you miss her so much. It doesn't get better. I still miss my dad."

I couldn't stop crying. Sobbing like a baby. The child I was not allowed to be overflowed in my tears. I cried for all the times and reasons I have never cried. I cried until I was physically overcome, and sick. I have never allowed myself to feel such pain. And it was finally coming through me. From my heart, overcoming my physical self.

Don't let me frighten you from seeing the movie. It is certainly worth all the awards and hype. A beautiful movie.

My son knows buttons, I knew an amazing grandmother, I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a student, a friend. And I have amazing people. This journey, this mile in my life. The grace, the love, the experience of feeling life. I am here. I am. My life has been defined by a great deal. May I appreciate the opportunities I am given and the ones I miss. May I trust, and know that I am blessed. And may peace come to all who hurt. May I seek to be more outside of myself, and more to others may I bless. May I heal. May I realize how important people are to me BEFORE I loose them. May I let go when I should, and hang on when I shouldn't.

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be.

There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.

You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.

We can make the best or the worst of it.

I hope you make the best of it.

And I hope you see things that startle you.

I hope you feel things you never felt before.

I hope you meet people with a different point of view.

I hope you live a life you're proud of.

If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. "

Heal and Forgive?????

From Nancy Richards blog site:

"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

I believe that today - but there was a time......

I felt so hurt and alone, I ached for some sort of physical evidence of God's love for me. Had He abandoned me too?

Sometimes, survivors tell me that they feel abandoned by God; or, that they have a hard time believing that God cares about what has happened to them. My heart always breaks when I hear these stories. I have been there."

hmmmmm...if you feel like I feel right now....go on and read more on her blog....i can't write about it Alanis Rae, I wonder....brick walls, suffocating memories...vulnerable, nightmares, flashbacks, body memories...

will forgiveness really do any good....and if I forgive him....can I ever forgive myself....

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

from my Mr. B

Mr. B is my hunny.

He is the man who loves me through all the darkness.
He crawls into the corner of my closet and holds and hangs onto me when I feel the edge of spiritual death, of physical mourning, the pain that grasps me and clings in my mind.

The death of my feelings; of my hopes, my dreams.
He pulls me through and time and time again he comforts me, forgetting the last time. Only being with me, in the moment that is now.

Loving me. Remembering not all that I have put him through; but light and love offering me. I am blessed.

We celebrate 16 years on Friday!
I have been writing our story: the Legend of Mr. B.

And tonight, I give him this, these lyrics
could have been written on my heart;
are now being written in ours; together.

Here's to another 16 plus years:

Lyrics to All I Ask of You: [from Phantom of the Opera]

No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
my words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you...

Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime...
Say you need me with you now and always...
Promise me that all you say is true
that's all I ask of you

Let me be your shelter
let me be your light
You're safe, No one will find you
your fears are far behind you...

All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night
and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me..

Then say you'll share with me
one love, one lifetime
let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you...
anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you...

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime...
say the word and I will follow you...
Share each day with me,
each night, each morning...
Say you love me...

You know I do...

Love me - that's all I ask of you
Anywhere you go let me go too
Love me - that's all I ask of you...

this is how I feel, now, in this moment and time. I am needing his shelter, from my past, from my mind, my fear, my nightmares.

He is my security, my hope, my shelter.


[for now my other playlist
is all the way at the bottom.

the following 16 songs are dear to me,
to our relationship.

TO 16 years!

I want to enjoy the reflection,
the past;

and the hope for a future,
our journey;

our rhapsody, our love...
and the celebration
of being two who are becoming one.]

from my mom

My mom sent me this beautiful email, even with all the struggle and abandonment that I have had through my relationship with her, I APPRECIATED this so much.

I don't think a child ever stops wishing that they could have a mother's love.

I know that I have always wanted it. In loving my own children I have never given up the HOPE that my mommy could love me:
That she didn't abandon me.

This email was priceless to my heart, my mind, my soul.

I know that I can't have my childhood back, or start it over, but I am thankful for forgiveness and the healing that comes from moving forward; onward, ever onward, and thankful for the healing promise of the atonement of Jesus Christ.

I believe that He took our pains and that he hurt along with us; His life giving us healing and hope in his sacrifice. Thank you, my Savior.

And thanks to you all
for being here on my journey of healing.

I share with you the tender words from my mother, the woman who abandoned me; who I have forgiven, and who is now a part of my adult life.

This is what I have always wanted in a mother, and never had; until I forgave and chose to move forward.

I am thankful, I know that this is not always
what people are given in tragedies such as my childhood was:

To my daughter,
God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED -To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

Dear God: The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs you the most, and let her know when She walks with you, she will always be safe.

I love you, Mom

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Self Doubt

I have been dealing with doubt for a while now. I am reading a book about doubt. Interestingly my mother, yes, my real mom; the mother who abandoned me. I have forgiven her and she is now a part of my life in a more positive way. I haven't brushed anything under the rug for those of you who will be wondering how I can have her in my life. I just can; that is the miracle of forgiveness. I am not stupid about it. Of course I am cautious. But her life is now a reflection of her choices and trust me; she has a difficult and lonely life. But she hasn't given up; she helps me from time to time, and I try to help her some.

Anyhow, she gave me this quote, it felt like an amazing grace to me; being that it was so prevalent to what I am dealing with and feeling with right now:

" Self doubt is natural from time to time, but never forget that you're very special.

Don't worry about whether or not you 're seeing everything as it really is --the world is full of veils and illusions today. If you can enjoy the show, that's probably as good as it is going to get.

Your creativity is like solar energy -- stronger when your outlook is sunny? So today, if you feel like you are running out of good ideas, run outside. Be confident in your ability to think up new ways of doing things and know that you can always rely on your sharp brain to come to the rescue ---eventually. While self doubt is natural from time to time, you need to remember that you can fix things if you keep working at them and thinking positively."

I so appreciated her giving this to me, and felt that it was so aligned with what I am feeling and needing right now. So often the comments that you bloggers leave for me do the same thing. And often also the things that each of you post influences me so much. That is my HOPE, that I can do that for you too. Hopefully my sharing this quote and my feelings helps one of you today.

Happy Valentines Day!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

i got a blog valentine...

From a friend of my friendly family blog site [if any of you want to read let me know, i will give you the link], amazing woman sent me this and said only I would understand the meaning of why she offered it to me; I know that you all will as well.

Happy Valentines Day to you ALL!!!

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."
~Marjorie Pay Hinckley~

Friday, February 13, 2009


I have been writing my love story on my other blog. The Legend of Mr. B.

I decided that being caught up in his legacy has been a good place to B. I am really lucky to have such an kind, gentle, understanding and forgiving relationship. He is so good to me. Last night I took a break from the story. A silence of sorts. My son's fourth grade teacher died. Here is my post from my family-friendly blog:

"Sorry to take a break from the story. My fourth grade son's teacher died this morning and I can't think of words for the next part of our love story. Possibly it could be just to speak of the tender way my husband took my son into his arms and said, "Sorry about your teacher." Or maybe it was the way his hands patted back my boys hair, and a bit of the tears that were shed as he held him in his arms; tears shed by both of my men, for losing a teacher at such a young age makes a boy grow up too fast. Then my husband picked him up, laid my little mans head on his shoulder and held him until he had cried himself out of tears. Tomorrow wont change todays event, but in time he will find his heart has gotten used to not being use to the pain, and pretty soon he will be back at school; playing with his friends, doing math, music, recess; and he won't sigh so big, and the tears wont come as often. But not tonight."

I thought that I should let you, my supportive family here, know how I am doing. I am okay. I cried a lot yesterday. I held my son as he fell asleep. I held him this morning as he woke up. I sat with him while he wrote a valentine for his substitute teacher; the teacher who is now going to be HIS teacher for the rest of the year. She will no longer be considered a substitute; for she has inherited the position.

How am I doing with this? I am sad. Super sad. Another death for our family to deal with. Another loss; and to think that when both my grandmothers died in October, it was his teacher who hugged me; who said we could put of our Parent Teacher Conference until our family had dealt with the grieving. It was her tears in her eyes, her complete understanding and devotion to her students to help Sam through losing his Great-Grandmothers. Her kindness that gave him strength at school, when he was so sad. Then she was gone, suddenly, so suddenly, she was "out", having tests, surgery, chemotherapy. She had ovarian cancer, she was living at the Cancer Institute; it was a terrible cancer, one that quickly snuffed out her live, her vibrant and caring, nurturing life. Gone, so quickly.

We never got to have that parent teacher conference. It was over as quickly as it began; and now we are left to grieve the loss of our son's "favorite" ever teacher.

My hope and thought of gratitude is that we are strong. My son is so strong. He will be sad for a while. He will never forget her. Valentines Day will be a time for him to always remember the beautiful influence and mark she left on his youth. I will remember too.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Shadow, THANKS:

click on the picture to take you to shadows post about being trapped

I really needed to read her words today. I haven't been blogging much in my closet. Actually I have been blogging alot, but too insecure to publicly post them. I have been a big chicken baby. It seems that I have posted them, and then removed them, and then posted something else, and then removed it again.

Then I just removed everything. I don't know what I am afraid of. You all have been so nice to me. I think I just feel so embarrassed about myself and where I have been, that I cant stand to read my own words.

Shadow wrote:
"we allow our thoughts to bind us with chains
we listen to can’t and now what we may
we find ourselves travelling down roads pre-determined
throw caution to wind, end up being chastened
and one day we wonder why anxieties rule
our soul is caught, our dreams out of fuel
spent on the wishes prescribed by another
living the lives of our parents, our mother
instead of believing we can what we want
and making it happen with passion our front
the shield and goal to freedom alive
living the things from which pleasure derive"

I feel trapped, yes; I feel chained to my pain. And I am faking life again. Pretending to be okay, hiding out when I am not. I hide a lot lately.

I avoid a lot lately.

So I want to thank shadow, for writing what is in her heart and having the courage to share it, inspiring many of us to do the same, not as well as she does, but to share what is within us. I have been writing the love story of Mr. B and me on my other blog. It is amazing to think that through all of this he is so good to me. I think that my reflections on our life together is helping to pull me out of my depression.

So today. I am going in and going to repost everything. Now, this doesn't mean that everything I post is how I feel today, it is how I felt the day I posted it.

Today, I feel okay. I feel scared to face what I need to accomplish. Everything seems bigger than me. But I am going out to brunch with a friend, I am going to my daughters Science Fair presentation, I am going to make dinner for my kids and husband [all these are REALLY BIG things for me to be attempting.] I am going to the grocery store - something that causes me HORRIBLE anxiety, and I am going to watch the Charlie Brown Valentine Special with my kids tonight, and hopefully get some snuggling out of them. So, mission number one is to face my fears, here, this is me. I am doing my best, today. And that in itself is enough. I will check back in with you as to how this goes. Being accountable is empowering to me. THanKS for reading.
Happy Valentines Day
to you my friends.
Here is a valentine for you all.
Copy and paste, from me, Mile 191.

Friday, February 6, 2009

from daily WOOL: Words of our Leaders

Topic: Our Best Efforts Bring Peace
"Whenever we live up to the best that is in us, we live up to the principles and the ideals the Savior gave us. To follow him brings peace to the soul."
- O. Leslie Stone, "The Beatitudes,"
Ensign (CR), November 1974, p.31

Never tell people
how to do things.
Tell them what to do,
and they will
surprise you
with their ingenuity. -
General George S. Patton, Jr.

I so needed to hear these words today.

I am working on figuring out
what my personal best is,
and being content there with.

I hope that these words
bring peace to some of you as well!

Thanks for reading and healing with me.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

living proof

Well, I am still alive, living proof again that you can have REALLY bad days and survive them. I don't know that my REALLY bad days are worth much; I mean, I have had worse, I have lived through worse. And my feeling sorry for myself right now is really unjustified.

I have a really great life now and should have no reason to be so down. So, here I am, stuck. Realizing that I don't have a real reason to complain; I have legs to stand on, family to hold and through thick and thin they are with me.

I have food on my table, clothes on my back. I am working through my recent depression the best that I know how to. I really am living proof that you can live, even through what feels like hell sometimes.

I realized as I tried to write a gratitude list in my journal last night that my attitude kept getting in the way. I started over and over again. Pulling myself constantly back to being positive, only to find myself complaining again.

And having nothing really to complain about, I was just being hard on myself. Negative about my own doings, or lack of doing. Truly just being hard on myself.

So I decided that what I would do is make a simple list. Two things to accomplish today, and get up and do them. That is where I am at. Today I will: clean my room, write one paper for school. If I can accomplish those two things by noon I will have the rest of the day to celebrate my ability to do them. Here goes. Wish me luck. I know that to most these two things sound like a breeze, but for me today it will be like running a marathon, and I am definitely not a runner.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191