come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

personal revelation


yep, i am having an aha moment, or rather personal revelation.

i woke up about an hour ago, weird because i have been sleeping so well for ....well MONTHS now. my body and mind have felt very healthy and i have been content. those restless weary days and nights i had become accustomed to took a break and i have slept through the night very well.

this waking moment was truly weird for me.

as i lay there my mind was peacefully flooded with thought. wide awake i pondered these thoughts and it seemed that words were literally translated into my mind. =personal revelation.

i realized that this discontent that has interrupted an otherwise content and peaceful period of my healing really is nothing that i can solve.

it is really not mine
to resolve.

recently the opinion that a few others have had of me has been altered, however this morning it became completely clear to me that it has not been altered by ME. nothing i have done or changed about me is the damage done. it is the opinion of someone else, like muck thrown on a window pane. my reputation has been altered for some because of their choice to view me through the opinion of others. and the truth is that i can do nothing to change that, and i really shouldn't try or worry about it.

do i want to clear things up?

of course.

am i going to be miserable until things change?

not at all.

i have been so sad, so teary; so trembling with heartache
that it felt that who i am was beginning to change, ...but no more.

i realized this morning
that i am at peace.
i have tried to make peace.
and I have found PEACE.

i have taken in the muck and the slandering comments and processed them and really unnecessarily wasted a lot of time and emotion participating in the process of trying to resolve something that the other party is not willing to resolve...yet

i realize that i am trying to carry their burden with them,
and it is not in any way mine to carry.
their opinion of me is theirs,
not mine.

they have the right to choose
how they behave
and what they do with that opinion
and although it is painfully sorrowful
that their choice
includes sharing that opinion
of me with others,
it still does not need
to become my burden.

even when such opinion changes the window pane in which others view me, i am still not responsible for it.
i am only responsible for my reaction to it. i am still me.

i have found peace in that i realized that the only thing that i can do is take what i hear and place it where it belongs. in a literal garbage disposal. it is garbage words, garbage thoughts;
necessary of immediate disposal.

i have no use
for the opinion of others
toward me.

a couple weeks ago it was clear to me that because of this circumstance that a trusted friend had changed their opinion of me. as if to judge me, and i understood not why. i couldn't figure out what had changed.

as it has become clear to me that their view of me has been altered by the opinion another has shared with them i became caught up in that.
almost as if to devastate me.

how could this person see me so differently?
why was i being judged so unfairly?

i realize it is because i have held my tongue. i have not given them any reason to see the situation any differently because i have chosen to not speak ill of the circumstance, or of the other person.

i have taken the fall, the weight of the burden with my silence, because of my respect for the other party i have refused to clear up any misconceptions that might be had of me.

that will not change.

it is not of my will
to make another be seen different.

i would rather suffer the consequence of others choosing to see me through the window pane that is mucked by deceit and opinions and slandering thoughts than to utter a single word unkindly regarding the other party involved.

they are my family, and i love and forgive them.
now the hard part is to forget, move forward,
and to live with a broken heart.

Monday, September 20, 2010

a NOTE to you who know me!

i started writing a few years ago because i needed a safe place to share, to heal.
i never expected to have so many wonderful people join me in my closet.

thank you for being here.

for the most part it has been a healing safe place...

but I have something that needs to be said.
...i have felt safe to share this place with a few family members,
and a few people have found me here on their own.

of my readers there are a VERY few family members.

if you have been here with me it is because you were invited
and trusted with the most deep feelings that i have.

i am candid.
i am honest.
i am vulnerable.

my pleading has NEVER changed.
if you know me please don't talk about what i share here with anyone.
call me, write me, talk to me but please don't talk about me.

i am an open book, a bleeding heart, and if you call me friend i will be with you in the guts of your life and mine forever.
if you hurt me,
i will forgive you and we can move forward.
if you hurt my kids, watch out.

lately i have not felt that I can come here and write because what i share here has been fodder for some to use against me.

i am now asking that you please respect me enough to stop talking or to not read my blog if you are going to use it for our own entertainment or for your own empowerment with me.

if you are better than me than good for you!
i can and will cheer you on in your successes in life.

i just want peace.

i want to be happy and i want happiness for everyone i dearly love,
and that does means YOU!

i don't enjoy conflict, i don't look for it.
i admit i have made my own mistakes and
i really am working on fixing any errors that i have
ability to fix.

but this last chose...
and i have been picking up the pieces.

I am done with it and moving forward.
If you are with me great.
If not, then my best wishes.

all is well,
it will get better than this!!!
but for now,
this is as good as it gets,
and it is good enough for us!

i will be back to write. this has always been about healing, and i am on the cusp of healing from yet another abandonment, another abuse.
another painful experience in my life, a betrayal and a unimaginable confusing mess.

thank you to YOU who have wondered where I am,
your love and care has been so much appreciated.
thank you for respecting that I am choosing to not speak ill
of this situation.

This too will pass and I have chosen to rise above it.

I sleep, I cry, and I pray and I know that it will be the best thing for us all in the end.

btw: yes, my mom hurt me.

yes, i have struggled, and yes, been angry.
and sincerely I have forgiven her.
Even forgiven the most recent frustration.
She is aware of my feelings
and she is aware of her weaknesses, and her STRENGTHS.

And she is NOT the problem in my life.
No one is the PROBLEM...there are situations we all have to work through, with each other.
But you can only work out the ones that are willing.

i am willing.

excerpts and focus

ahem...this will be a bit candid,
but also coded.

I posted a couple of entries a while back and then pulled them.
a few of you read them. and then i disappeared.

for the past 79 days i have been pondering....ALOT

I wrote this ...

my destination is up to me.
i pray for strength to know what choices to make so that i find myself where He desires me to be.

i have been in the shower mid-washing my hair while the heat of the water soothes my aching neck and back, allowing my eyes to weep an ocean of tears, and i thought of a few things, so naturally i threw on my robe and here i am.

with you.

with friends i have never met.

and then i wrote about some worries I had and some decisions that i was needing to make.

i can not post those things now.

it is eerie to me to say this
but exactly
what i was worrying
about those almost
80 days ago
was exactly
what i needed to be worrying about.

never in my life have i wished that i could be WRONG more than i have wished in the past couple of months.

Sadly I was right.

then i wrote:

i have a huge decision to make.
one that will test the very foundation of my family as a unit.

... at this point i feel that i have made a mistake and that i haven't considered what is in the best interest of my children and family, and that unfortunately has perpetuated the cycle of unhealthy mental and emotional exposure.

my intent now is to hopefully prevent
or shorten the need for them to be in therapy as adults.



but it will only be by the grace of God and our willingness to do the very hardest things we have ever faced as a family with courage that we will make it to that sacred and wonderful place for all.

at that time I PLEADED:

please PRAY, and wish me STRENGTH and COURAGE to do what i feel is right at this time. and that the HURT that will be caused in the course of this action will be HEALED as we better come to understand His WILL for us in our lives, rather than our selfish will in the moment. i already hope that forgiveness and understanding and PEACE will come of this moment; this tremendously difficult and painful moment.

Okay, so none of that probably really makes sense, however I am so thAnkFuL that i wrote then, so that now I can see progress. It seems really that it has been three steps forward 100 steps back, ...however...I am not minding that I have backstepped 100 steps because the place I am now gives me opportunity to see where mistakes were made, and gives me hope that as we move forward we can make things right and better for all.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Evanescence My Immortal Live @ David Letterman Show

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave'

Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase


When you cried

I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream

I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand

through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase


I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along


Saturday, June 26, 2010

lost and stolen things

my destination is up to me. i pray for strength to know what choices to make so that i find myself where He desires me to be.

i have been in the shower mid-washing my hair while the heat of the water soothes my aching neck and back i thought of a few things, so naturally i threw on my robe and here i am.

with you.

with friends i have never met, who seem to care and understand better than those who claim to love me most.

i have a huge decision to make today.
one that will test the very

foundation of my family as a unit.

i am losing my oldest son to a family member who has meddled and loved us from day one. however it is an unhealthy meddling that has been pointed out to me by multiple other family members who can see what i have seen all along but chosen to allow because of my love and compassion for people, for her. but at this point i feel that i have made a mistake and that i haven't considered what is in the best interest of my children and family, and that unfortunately have perpetuated the cycle of unhealthy mental and emotional abuse that has been years coming with this particular part of our family.

i LOVE this family member immensely. i have chosen to allow the interaction with our children to a point of chaos. and consequently the effects are long damaging for me, but more important for my children.

it was a simple event yesterday, but it was literally the straw that broke the camels back; and today, after hours of tears that have left my eyes swollen shut, my husband and i have decided that it is done. it is over.

we have got to make the move that is most important for the well-being of our children. and in the interest of the health of their childhood have come to some very difficult decisions.

i literally mean that we are on the cusp of action. action that will change forever the course of their childhood, and hopefully prevent or shorten the need for them to be in therapy as adults.

i feel so terrible that i have allowed this to go on for so long out of love and respect for this person. i love her dearly, but have continued to be concerned for the circumstance.

if we don't act now we will have more to regret.

the most frightening thing is that we may lose one of our children over this. he is too deep into the problem. i am not willingly losing him, but have the greatest hope that if we follow what we are inspired to do, and pray dearly, that he will come back to us.

FAMILIES ARE FOR PAIN AND TRIALS THAT WILL LEAD US TO THE DESTINATION THAT HE MOST DESIRES FOR US. I HAVE HOPE THAT WE WILL BE A fOReVEr fAMiLY! but it will only be by the grace of God and our willingness to do the very hardest things we have ever faced with courage that we will make it to that sacred and wonderful place.

please PRAY, and wish me STRENGTH and COURAGE to do what i feel is right at this time. and that the HURT that will be caused in the course of this action will be HEALED as we better come to understand His WILL for us in our lives, rather than our selfish will in the moment. i already hope that forgiveness and understanding and PEACE will come of this moment, this tremendously difficult and painful moment.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

no regret?

if i don't write this and and get rid of it i will live with regret. or i may do something i will regret.

the regret of holding something in, something that can fester, and weep, and infect, and potentially poison the healing process.

no matter how much i have done to rest and recuperate i had to deal with an open wound, from infection below the skin, that made its way to the surface, and wept out, slowly, over days and time, and needed special care.

i know that the physical healing that i am talking about goes very hand in hand with the emotional healing i need right now.

no matter how far i have come, how much i have forgiven, and how well i seem to be on the surface things are festering below the skin. pains and tremblings, nightmares that unless dealt honestly with can continue to infect my heart and soul.

so here goes. my mom came to help me, to help us, while i was healing physically. my physical healing created a vulnerability in me.
a dependence on those around me to wait on me, and to take care of my kids.

i told you i have focused on the positive, and there are a hundred things she did that were so helpful, and i recognized every single act with appreciation, knowing my inability to do them created a need and she was fulfilling them. she came into my home with a great energy and hope, with honor to do all she could to take care of me.

my mother also came vulnerable; she is insecure and hurting by some things that happened in our family recently. betrayals of her own sister, and my daughter. light laughter's on their behalf towards her, and mocking....nothing that i took lightly and i dealt severely with my own daughter for her participation. but these things, although quickly forgiven, have not been completely forgotten. i see the pain in my daughters eyes as she tries to understand why my mother would do the things she was told of. i see the pain in my mothers eyes as she has now a strained relationship with her granddaughter, because of words. words said to a young girl that have reopened wounds, wounds i spent years trying to soothe and heal for myself. WOUNDS I NEVER WANTED MY CHILD TO EXPERIENCE.

unfairly she heard things, the innocence of her childhood is now pained by knowledge of mine, things i would have rather she never knew.

it would be easy to blame my mental and emotional devastation entirely on this, but that would be a lie.
somewhere along the way
of my healing and neediness
i broke.

like my incision,
something in me festered,
and broke open,
and now i am weeping physically
and emotionally.

my mom will be gone by the time i ever feel brave enough to post this, if ever.

and hopefully i will be able to assess what i experienced these weeks, and overcome without creating new regrets in my life.
new pains, pains i create, and those that are ever available to humankind.

but right now i am going out of my mind.
at one point i thought i must be crazy,
she couldn't raise us,
me and my siblings....
what the hell am i doing
inviting her here to help with my kids.

yes, she has changed tremendously,
and she is becoming beautiful,
inside and out,

but what i am feeling right now
is in contrast with any of that.

i am tired, i don't feel well;
physically, emotionally, mentally,
and i am certain i am not making any sense.

i have not gone back to read any of my posts about my mom.

i know they will only compound the wounds
that are so tender right now.

so what i express here,
what i am feeling is in this moment.
it is not the PAST.
it is my now.

if i could climb a mountain i would scream....SCREAMMMMMMMMMMM

WHYYYYYYYYY....why cant she offer to pick up the kids.
Can she see how tired I am??????

i am so not good at the

WHYYYYYYYY....cant she make them dinner??????
why cant she just figure it out?????
WHYYYYYYYYY does she always have to ask me

at one point she complimented me on being so good at creating healthy meals CREATIVELY providing nutrition for my family...
How did I learn to do that?, she asked.
She really just doesn't have that ability, or that confidence.
I do feel so sad for her.
But I answer, "because of you,
I have had to fend for myself since I was two...
I had to learn how."

and , because of her
I so desperately try to do things different.
I so desperately want to be a different kind of Mother.

WHYYYYYYYYYY....does she have to talk
to the dog and cat all day long
and love them so much.
....WHYYYYYYYYYY couldn't she love me that much?????
Sensibly I wonder more specifically
why she can't show her love for me?????

WHYYYYYYYYYYYY does she have to
get so irritated with my kids,
as if they need to be PERFECT..
...she is not even perfect yet,
and neither am I.

and yet she explains
she doesn't like to see them disobeying me
she wants them to be better to me
she is somehow
protecting me???



for example, one day my daughter was
working outside planting me a flower garden

i went to check on her and my mother said to me
"Don't go out there right now,
that CREEPY GUY is out there,
I don't want him to see you!"



and she wants to protect me NOW?????

WTF was up with that.
Why didn't she protect me
back when I needed her protection???


Leaving my 13 year old
outside with the CREEPY GUY
and thinking nothing of it???

I pushed past her and said,
"I am
leaving her
out there
with him,
What the
Hell are YOU

And when I
was suppose to be lying in bed
taking care of an open infected wound
instead I was at the store picking up groceries
to bring home to make dinner for everyone.

and WHHHHHYYYYYYYYY does she have to ask me
to drive because she is
more comfortable
with me driving??????

If I am driving and cooking,
and running the kids then
is she here still?????

I know I sound so selfish.
I know that she did not come to do EVERYTHING,
and she has done a lot,
and the 100 things that she did amazing
is what I should be focusing on.
...and I will, in a thank you to her directly,
because she deserves that respect,
I don't know,
like I said,
I refuse to go back into my story posts
and read what I felt when she abandoned me,
and when she allowed that asshole to fuck with me.
....deserves is really an overrated adjective.

see what i mean,
about forgiveness.
what is my problem????
i thought i was over this.

it seems that i am grieving, grieving something new,
something that i think is normal.

the NORMAL i wish i had HAD
to have a mother,
a mom....someone to take care of me,
someone who sees the pain i am in
and can comfort me.

something i may have to wait
for the grace of God to ever have.

and so
....i listen to
Evanescence My Immortal

Because of You Kelly Clarkson.... [click to link]

and i cry, and the little girl inside of me who is realizing that she will never be able to be hugged and held and comforted, in this life, by a mothers going to go to her grave wishing she knew what that felt like....

Saturday, June 5, 2010

CRUSH: freaking out and falling apart

i hate that i feel such a crushing weight of depression setting in.

i don't feel safe with myself.

i just want to scream and run and cry.

i have held everything in, i don't want to write or say things that admit that the smile i have been faking is fake. it sucks to think that i might hurt someone else by admitting that i am in such agony, and feeling so alone.

so i hold it in, and it only hurts me.....right?

the only safety is up high. and the only way to get there is what i have been avoiding more than admitting that this has gotten to hard for me.

the pain inside sucks. i promised myself that i wouldn't let myself feel this way. i promised that i would rise above what anyone else thought. i promised myself i would focus on the positive, and truthfully, there have been so many positives.

what is wrong is wrong within me, and is regardless of anything that i have faced during the past four weeks.

i cant seem to calm down, to catch my breath.

i feel selfish, and i feel hopeless.

i sit here, so alone; lonely in a crowd.

this feeling seems to be common for the abused, the abandoned, the neglected.

i cant seem to hold back the well of tears anymore.

i think i just need to spend some time crying.
and being alone is probably the best thing for me.

alone. in the dark. here in my closet.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


i feel i can not write. thus i am bottled up inside. like a volcano capped. eruption is imminent and yet, i am incapable of allowing what is boiling to release. i am muted.

if i write about the pains and frustrations i am having then it would seem i don't appreciate the help i have had while healing. so i have been holding it in. and in doing so seem to have lost my ability to speak. and so i am muted.

if i were to say what i am feeling it would seem to some that i have not really forgiven. the pain i have is related to the past, the things i thought i let go of. so i lay writhing in emotional pain. muted.

physically my healing has been complicated by a tiny sore that has begun to fester. it seems so small, or seemed so....until yesterday, when it looked as if it were really getting worse.

from the outside it looks like such a simple wound.

tiny to the eye.
a bit red,
weeping with infection.
but to the hand it is hot, my stomach is distended,
and i am fevering.
i am also very weakened and feeling sick, nauseated.

i am not good at asking for help, if i rehabed my sign would be ASK ME IF I NEED HELP, i am not good at saying so...

yesterday with this wound i pushed through.
i pushed myself to drive my kids to all the places they needed,
each destination seemed exponentially extended
by some little errand
or extra round for something forgotten.
i pondered.

this is so like my emotional wreckage right now. i seem to be running my mind in circles. i never really reach the destination of healing because i am always going back for something.

and my wound, weeping, is like me....weepy,

and something is festering, heated, boiling inside.
if i could scream i would,
but i am muted.
muted by forgiveness
i feel like i am ungrateful to feel the things i am feeling....

i am so frustrated, so angry, so sad. ....

i am about to erupt...
but i am MUTED...

Kelly Clarkson - Because of you

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you

I will never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of youI learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust

Not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you

I will never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust

Not only me,

but everyone around me

Because of youI am afraid

I watched you die

I heard you cry

Every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry

In the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

Because of you

I will never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Because of you

I tried my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Because of you

Because of you

Monday, May 24, 2010


I really can't believe I let a week pass without an update. Last I wrote I was UP LATE....and I think an UPDATE is certainly in order.

i have been sleeping better, and thankfully.... i worried that having surgery i would be so dependant on a drug..... this is probably the thing that i am most happy to update. mainly because of my fears, always worried about addiction.  living with my foster mom and seeing how addictions can hurt the ones you love;  knowing all to well the travesty and havoc an addiction can wreak on a family, on an individual.

i feel blessed to have such strength to find myself healing without need for something to mask what the healing feels like.

this has caused me a lot of pondering. only a few times have i ever used alcohol as a way to mask the pain....the pains of past horrors, the pain of the healing process, the pain that day to day functioning can bring....

it feels so empowering to be able to have some control over my OWN healing.

this may be a physical healing process, from surgery....but the elements of healing that this process has surged are quite unbelievable. when all you have to do is sleep, and rest, and ponder...a LOT crosses your mind. this has become an opportunity for emotional and mental healing, with a spiritual strength intact.

healing has also been really hard, and yet really blessed. [does that make sense?]

What i do know is that many prayers have been said. I feel them, and I thank those of you who are reading, who are here with me, in my healing, in my closet.

what i hope is that what i have learned will find words, expressions, so that i can better understand them myself, and so that i can share them with you....

my mind is quite weary....writing seems to take more effort than i have strength, and nothing comes natural these days. a LOT is on my mind....

remember my mom???

well, she has been here to take care of me, to help support my healing. It has been as hard as it has been a blessing. I have learned what true forgiveness is, and what the POWER of forgiveness does for healing. I have also learned that forgiveness does not take the sting out of some things.

I happened to have a meltdown or two, a breakdown of sorts. I remember that there is beauty in the breaking, and that being broken is better, and while broken....there is something to be let go of, and potential for something anew. one moment i said something,
something i can not take back,
something i regret,
because now
it is me...
not HER.
what she did,
or DIDN'T do,
is not made better
by my reaction
obviously i have a lot of work
to do in that department.
thank goodness for time
and opportunity
and forgiveness.

i am off to ponder....and patiently heal.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

it's late...or early?

i am up

cant sleep

no comfort to be found

the temptation to drink
to sleep pain and agony free
is unbearable

i hurt in places i didn't know had feeling

and so i am up



healing is such a long process,
a process that needs patience
in my weary state i am about out of patience
the thing is there is NOTHING i can do about it
i can not make my body heal any faster than it will
i can not run from it
and now i cant sleep it off

so....i am stuck, out of control,
trying to endure; with hope, faith, and patience

and i can't stop thinking about things so my mind and emotions are also a mess

so i am up

that's pretty much all i got

Monday, May 17, 2010

healing is so hard

healing is so hard. it has been 11 days since my surgery. i have felt great blessing as i have been surrounded by love and comfort. i have smiled and laughed. i truly am thankful for the positive in my life. there is so much.

because there is so much to be thankful for i have a really hard time with the negative that rears its ugly head from time to time.

i want to be patient in my healing.

i want to be thankful.

so why do i feel this way?

i really don't feel i have

good reason to be

so angry.

everyone around me is trying so hard.

everyone is making sacrifices for me to heal.

bending over backwards

to be helpful,



all contributing to my physical healing.

i told my husband a few nights ago that i felt that i was emotionally/mentally handling how i am feeling with strength and courage.

i wrote she cries at night a few nights after i was home from the hospital. it was HEALING, to write, it took COURAGE to share.

so WHY????

i was thinking this morning that it was the fact that i cant CONTROL anything right now.

control is so important when you have been in a situation where you were CONTROLLED and SUBMISSIVE, and HURT.

i was, we all were; abuse, abandonment....those are all circumstances where lives are out of CONTROL, as we SUMBIT to the abuser we are caused great HURT in our lives.

it can even be an emotional/mental/physical pain, anxiety, depression....the things we have no control over, the things that seem to control us.

and these very things take daily WORK to overcome.


i am trying to be a good patient, to be patient with my healing. but this LACK OF CONTROL over things in my life, my body, is driving me completely insane.

and no matter the love i am surrounded by, i feel alone. so ALONE.

it is like i have lost FAITH, and HOPE.....

and so i come here, and i read....and i write.

Superfluous Brunette wrote:

"The reason we try to control life or other people,

is to really control our own emotions."

in another post she wrote:

"But the irony of control,

just as with addictions

(another way to control

or completely avoid our painful feelings)

is that it ends up causing us more pain

and drives us even further away from

resolving these things in our life

and further away from ourselves."

today i feel her pain for control.

she wears a mask,

to hide her pains,

she needs a hand to hold....

this virtual world, of healing, of hope,

is such a beautiful place to be.

as i read, i feel less ALONE, and filled with HOPE, and FAITH...and it is all because of you, all of YOU.

THANK YOU, for reading me, and for writing.

i take morsals of all you offer and

feast upon your words, and i remember.

i remember that there is a greater good in the pain we experience.

i remember that i have a place to turn, a Savior, who loves and who heals and who promised to never leave us alone.

and i remember that He said it is often through anothers kindness that you will see the Hand of God.

each of you are exactly that. you are beautiful, you are the Hand of God in the lives of those like you; those hurting, those needing Healing. and as HARD as HEALING is....coming here, gives me HOPE, another day....

one step at a time.....

CONTROL is an illusion.... and really it comes down to TRUST in HIM who controls we don't have to.

she cries at night

i am recovering from having a hysterectomy.[there, i said it].
wednesday was the day, 5/5/10. 11:11 AM was the time when they came to tell me it was time.and i began to weep.
i had been so strong going into this; so brave.
in an instant, a moment, everything about that changed. my brave face wore off and i had to discover if i really had courage.
as they wheeled me back, i knew that nothing would soothe the empty ache i was about to face.
i really had done all i could to be prepared for this; prayers, blessings, coming to terms with facts, and acceptence. acceptence in body, mind, and spirit.
i forgot raw emotion.
i was okay until the charge nurse came in to go over everything, the papers, the details. i had asked questions,signed papers, put on the hospital handcuff in a statement that i would stay. i agreed with everything that was asked of me, i felt calm and peaceful
the blow that came next knocked the wind out of me and i have yet to catch my breath.
the nurse handed me one final paper. 'this one' she states 'clarifies that you of your own free will are choosing sterilization.'
i must have looked confused, i didn't take the paper from her like i had the others. she saw my
hesitation and further explained, 'it states that you are here by your own account and opting to have a surgery that will leave you unable to bare children.'
i said to her, 'are you serious?'
she put the paper on a clipboard in my lap.
i looked at B. this was a cruel joke.
'what?' i asked.
she simply said, 'in order to have the surgery you need to sign it stating you understand it is elective surgery. it is your choice.'
at this point tears are welling up in my eyes.
i don't get it.
all this time i have been advised to have the surgery, it is not something i picked.
the policy, she continues to explain, is that a woman has the choice no matter her condition and that signing the form makes it clear that i understand i will no longer be able to concieve and carry a child.
inside i feel like i am writhing, i try to look at B through my tears, i can not bring myself to put my signiture, my name, on that piece of paper.
'WHY', i ask her, i don't get why i have to sign it.
i didn't choose this, to suffer pains and growths and other symptoms that make daily life difficult at best. this surgery is to alleviate all that. to make my quality of life, of motherhood, is not optional, or elective. i came willingly, isn't that enough.
i can't bring myself to sign it. suddenly all the courage i had is used up and i feel completely out of control in pain, agony, confusion.
simply the hospital requires a patient to acknowledge awareness of the choice and the understanding that it would make me sterile. such horrible words, and thoughts, zapping the strength i had stored to endure this peaceably.
NO, my head and heart were screaming, children, unborn, those hoped for, prayed for, pleaded and ached for that place within me. oh, the sorrow that i was feeling.
'Do i really have to sign it?' i hear myself ask her.
suddenly i feel the finality of the decision become mine. B says, "no, you dont, we can leave", he sits nearer to me, and i feel myself signing, without even looking. as if in denial. it is done.a weeping begins, which weeping of heart will never cease.
it becomes blurry to me, suddenly i am no longer crying in b's arms,but weeping on the gurney.
i found interesting metaphore that they put me into a bed, carefully lifting the sides, tucking me in, a warm blanket, under the covers so soothing, brians hand on my head, i feel like an infant in a crib, like the babies i will not have, the bed becomes a womb for me, my only piece of physical security left in that moment, all other stripped away from me as we walk away from the waiting room where B was left behind.
one kiss, one caress of my forehead, a look of love, concern and sorrow as our eyes met, the last time we are together while i am whole.
the further we go the more it feels like a suicide to my motherhood, i can't get it out of my mind that i chose this. the confusion, my heart wont hear what my head can't make sense of.
i weep harder the closer we get the more sterile the environment.
sterile, like i will be.
people are walking like robots. going through the motions. i become a number, a room number, a patient number. no longer a being, heart and soul. i look like everyone else, in my cap and gown, yet so different, i am still weeping.
the orderly parks me in patient parking. it is quiet. it strikes me that now i really am a stranger in a territory whose customs are unfamiliar to me. their ways don't align with mine today.then i don't feel with me anymore.
people are asking this poor weeping woman if she is okay, i feel so seperated from who i am. and then i hear it, the lullaby; a sound i will dread hearing over the next few days. each time a new baby is born in the hospital they will play it.
now people are asking me if i am sure i want this surgery. did i sign the paper?'this paper' they say as they show it to me. i see my signature. i do not respond right away.a woman asks, 'are you sure you don't want any more children?'
all the wrong questions. she explains if i am feeling apprehensive maybe i should reconsider, it can not be reversed.
i feel so helpless, i know they don't mean harm but i feel like they are bullies on the playground. they have found my weakness and keep taunting me.
i could be ninety,would they ask me the same things. i know i can't have more children, it has been 9 long years of wishing, of praying, of hoping....that somehow it would just happen because that was God's will for me. i know it is not, i know that nothing would change if i said no today, we still would not have more children. i recognize my blessings, all four of them. i want to live for them, for me. not just alive, but LIVE with quality and patience, healthy and pain free.
i look at the anesthesiologist and beg him. 'i am ready, please just get me to sleep.' i don't want to feel what i am feeling anymore, please. from the darkness of this moment will come light, i need it to move forward.
i wake up, sort of. i hear someone crying, wailing really. people are trying to soothe her. she is inconsolable. she is writhing in pain, truly wailing. oh, how i want to comfort her. to tell her it will all be okay. she sounds so desperate, if loss were a sound she is making it. the crying is so disturbing and it is hard for me to relax. i hear people saying that she needs to be taken to a room. i think no, bring her to me. i will hold her. and then i see brian, and he is telling her it will all be okay...then i realize the sounds of anquish are coming from me. from my emptyness, a pit of despair.
there goes that song again, why do they have to keep playing it. i continue to cry, calming each time to be reawakened in grief by a lullaby.
i find comfort in Mr B's voice, his hand, the look of desperation on his face for me to be okay. i find peace in his patience. allowing me to feel the grief, and caring about where it came from. i am made whole because he loves me...even when pieces of me are missing, even when i am broken. even when i lack courage, lose a brave face, always when i cry, when i cry at night.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

when she cries

me cries:
it is not the first time,
and it wont be the last.

i am home, and physically well.
i had better mental emotional days,
but come on, it has been three days.

in three days i have lost something,
accepted loss,
experienced pain and anguish,
experienced peace and hope.
doubted acceptance, been afraid,

certain ups and downs to be expected.

i wrote during the night,
for hours,
and i am weary from crying,
tired because i am stubborn,
and sincerely angry today.

i remember this
January Ensign Magazine,
Boyd K. Packer:
it was meant to be that life
would be a challenge.
to suffer some anxiety,
some depression,
some disappointment,
even some failure is normal.
[we learn]
that if we have a good,
miserable day once in a while,
or several in a row,
to stand steady and face them.
things will straighten out.
there is great purpose in our struggle in life.

and so, with what i have left
i accept only this,
if it is a good miserable day today,
and even if tomorrow is a little difficult
i must stand strong.
how i stand strong right now
is by allowing others to take
care of me,
be patient and
do not try
to understand
Tomorrow will be a better day.
...and if not
maybe tomorrows morrow
will be.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Compassion: n. sorrow, pity, sympathy, empathy, feeling, mercy, commiseration, kindness, kindliness, tenderness, heart, tenderheartedness, clemency, solicitousness, solicitude, caring, consideration, concern, fellow feeling.
----Ant. mercilessness, indifference.
---Syn. Study.

i PROBABLY do not have to explain why this word is full of so much meaning. Those of us who have experienced trial, abuse, sorrow, know all to well what compassion is.

True compassion.
The kind of compassion that doesn't say, "i told you so", or "i know how you feel, listen to me, what i have been through".
The kind of compassion that says nothing.
And in that silence you hear "i love you",
"i am sorry for your pain",
"i wish i could do something,
but i know that nothing will
lessen your pain right now
so i will just hug you."

recently i found out that i have to have a pretty major surgery to overcome this trial i have had for so long in my life. many many in my life who have had this have offered me solace. solace in words of comfort, in looks of love, in prayers. these offerings have been beautiful and great at this time while i make some pretty heavy decisions and try to find peace in them.

i can't seem to get one experience out of my mind, and hope my heart never forgets the lesson i learned.

we all experience things. some things are familiar to others on our journey, because they have been there. how tempting is it to want to comfort another by telling them how we have felt, what we experienced, and how they can overcome it.

but for this moment hear what i learned. sometimes it is really hard to listen to anothers experience in depth, when our pain at the time is so deep.
sometimes it is really hard to focus on anothers past pain when our present is so great.

my sister, bless her, experienced what i am going through.
she had a terrible experience.
she went into her surgery with circumstances beyond the belief of most humankind.
it was terrible for her.
i was by her side, and watched her carry that burden, that sorrow.
i tried to offer comfort, compassion, but really...i didn't know at all what she was going through.

i have been feeling really sorry for myself lately.

feeling like i don't want this trial [do we ever really want our trials...?] anyhow, i really have been very quiet in my sorrow, trying to figure out where my strength to deal with this will come.

i saw my sister last week. she HUGGED me. that was it. SHE HUGGED ME. and in that quiet hug all that needed to be said was said. I softly cried in her arms, she held me tighter. she said words to make it better....[because really, they can't] reminiscing of her own pain...[because lets be honest, does that really help the person to know you suffered...the same, or more.....]

in her quiet compassion, my quiet sorrow was soothed. somehow i was able, because she was quiet, to hear the voice of the Lord say to me. all will be well. trust me....and feel of my love and comfort...

i heard more in the silence than in the hours of advice and conversation i have had otherwise.

thank you, my dear sister, for understanding what brings true comfort. sometimes it is simply in a hug, a prayer, a feeling.

i wrote my sister a letter which i will include here, because i never want to forget what she did for me in that simple, yet profound, moment.

thank you.


I really should have emailed you immediately after seeing you this week. Or called, or written...but with the chaotic nature of raising kids this will have to do. Also, I wanted the emphasize how much it meant to me. I could all bold or capitalize the words...but wont be thus annoying. I love you and mean this from the bottom of my heart and soul.

I LOVE YOU. I thank you dearly for your compassion and love to me. When you hugged me it was the first morsel of comfort that I received since hearing about my circumstance with the tumors and cysts.

I have been lost in an ocean of tears and pain. Pain both physical and emotional. And when you hugged me I felt renewed. I felt loved by someone who had been where I am right now. A true and sincere compassion. One that many never experience, or act upon. Truly Christlike, and you exemplified the love that He would have us give one another.

You didn't make it about you, you didn't tell me your pain, you just soothed mine. I so appreciate that. You offered me a safety in your arms that allowed me to feel comfort, peace, hope and healing.

Because of that. Because you said no words, you opened an opportunity for me to hear the word of the Lord. You really gave me the chance to hear His comforting words that all would be well, with me, and with you.

It was beautiful. In that moment. That simple hug that felt a lifetime, I thought of something. I have been so sorrowful for what I am about to face. I have had such tremendous pain and agony physically and emotionally, at the thought of this impending surgery, that I had forgotten I wasn't alone.

I had forgotten that others suffer similar, and sometimes far greater, this trial. I felt such empathy and compassion from you and I realized something. The grieving I was doing for myself was nothing like the loss you suffered.

I am so sorry for what you have experienced, for your pain and suffering. Sweetie, I know I was there to help with the babies....but I missed something. You lost the opportunity to have more, to grow your family until you felt complete. I feel so terribly bad for your loss. I feel so selfish that I have been aching all this time for mine, without realizing that you had been there, you knew, you KNOW. And if ever I could do anything to repair the pain you have I want you to know that I would. I wish I had carried a child for you. I wish I had offered something, anything....

I can only hope that you have been hugged, the very way you hugged me. I can pray that you have peace and comfort, like what I felt from you. I love you, my sister. And I do pray that all is well with you. And I do hope for healing, and happiness, all the days of your life.

I know that you face many challenges right now. With family and raising little ones, and physical pains. I love you. I really want you to know that I am here, anytime. Please talk to me and let me be a comfort and strength to you. Let me have the chance to hold you, so that you can hear the things you need to hear.

I love you Sister,

Thank you.

Words of comfort in a favorite hymn:

Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.
Savior, may I learn to love thee-
Lord, I would follow thee.

Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.

Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee.

I would be my brother's keeper;
I would learn the healer's art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother's keeper-
Lord, I would follow thee.

Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
Savior, may I love my brother-
Lord, I would follow thee.

lyrics by Susan Evans McCloud

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I am really not sure I can put into words today something that is really positive. That good day kind of writing the Steve E. asked me to write about.
What I can say is I have had a LOT of GREAT days this past month,
and on those days
I have lived life,
and laughed.

...and haven't taken the time to write/blog.

Life has been good to me and
I have had
some really
feel GOOD days.

But I need to write, and I am hesitant because what I need to write is brought to you by a cloud.

I know that behind this dark cloud is sunshine. Behind this cloud is an infinity of GOODNESS...but today it is a cloud. And feeling like I do I need to be HERE and write....about my pain.

Pain....a physical pain. Pain of tumors and cysts, and fears....That is what I am facing right now. It's not NEW pain. This is something I have had most of my life, and many many surgeries to correct. ...and yet it comes back.
Something always grows back.

It reminds me of the pain of abuse.
It reminds me of the pain of abandonment.

After surgery and recovery I feel great.
I have hope that it wont COME back.

I live. I laugh. I love.

And then it creeps up on me again.

Just a smudge of pain here.
A tug of pain there,
and then it gets in my head.

Is this the PAIN I have had before? Is this something new?

After a while when it hasn't just gone away, wished away, ignored and/or prayed away....I have to go investigate.
Is this PAIN really here ....AGAIN???

Today, confirmation....the PAIN is back...the tumors are bigger.
The cysts have joined the party just to make sure that what is going on is REALLY going on!

And I have to make a decision.
A really big decision. A decision I have ran from for 17 years....Do I want this to go away forever....for always?
Or do I do what I have always done....a temporary fix?

I don't know what to do....but I am pondering and praying, and in my quiet hour I will find the answers I need.
Answers that will be best for me and for my family.

But for now....the pain is not the physical pain....but the emotional torment that this may be the end of the pain. [Does that even make sense? ]

I may have to
give up the way I want things to be
to discover peace.

Finally a peace...of mind, and body.

Just the thought of it causes a different pain.
A pain I am not ready to face.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191