Last night I wrote that line in my journal
Why is it always
when you think you have mastered
one step of a process
that you fall down 15?
I have great pain this morning, yet greater Faith....and hope, that I can pull myself, my son ....through this challenge.
This Beautiful Challenge
My husband asked me why???
Why is it that my son and I hit heads so much.
Honestly I don't want to admit it because there are so many other wonderful parts of our Mother and Son relationship that I can focus on. The GOOD stuff.
But he is right, there is something amiss. What is it?
I wonder because I am at that crossroads in my parenting...do I become the parent that I want to be, or do I fall into the temptation to be less. It is so easy to let things slide, to take the easy route....and think somehow it will work itself out.
I am a very firm parent. I do expect respect and responsibilities to be fulfilled. I have been blessed with fairly easy children, some have said I have raised them to be wonderful children.
I believe they are good:
They all help out, they don't completely terrorize one another.
They listen to me and do what they are asked, for the most part...
The giggle, they laugh, they play, they hug....they smile!
The days when conflict is on the horizon
and I am at light speed heading into it.
I don't get it.
But I can not just allow some things to happen.
Last night, in my adamant expectation that No means NO! ...and Put your seatbelt on means PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON....and Stop teasing....means STOP TEASING.... things fell apart....
And today...I am not sure what it will take to put the broken pieces back together.
After some time listening to his perspective, yet not backing down on mine we had to agree to disagree.
The conflict was simple.
I finally took his phone away, last resort discipline....either listen to me, do what I have asked or I have to start taking things that mean I mean business. ---Cell phone....then Ipod....[he is a teenager....] ..and these are the distractions that conflict with communication. We needed to talk about the events of the evening. Tell me why? I asked him....
He removed his seatbelt in defiance....as if to tell me that NO he was his own person and he would do what he wanted. And he DIDN"T want to talk about it.
I pulled over, asked politely, asked firmly....He responded with
After some persuasive discussion and patient silence he put it on.
I pulled away and he said under his breath
and me wishing now I had just ignored it.....]
In fact, he is regretting it so much that he is sticking to his guns that he DIDN"T say it.
I pulled over. I said, "Go ahead, Get out!"
He is wearing shorts, a short sleeve shirt, is recovering from flu, and has no phone at this point.
I said, "Get out. Go ahead and walk home." [the walk is about 7 miles, there is snow on the ground....]
WHAT AM I THINKING....I am the parent here.
All my senses tell me that this is not right to do. Not the healthy safe RIGHT thing to do!
He says, "Out of respect for you I will get out if that is what you want."
I said, "You made your decision. Get out."
He got out. I drove away.
Tears streaming down my face, I drove away....
About two blocks I pulled off, waiting for him to catch up, hoping he would realize that he is very loved and very much cared for and that this silliness of teasing has consequences of feeling alone and frustration that is not worth it. ....he doesn't walk by.
I sit there in tears, praying for him, wishing, and knowing that I have to go for him. Of COURSE I am going back for him.
I drove back....things happened, he had gone back to the building we had been in and was inside, had used the land phone to call someone for a ride.
He is pretty brilliant and also very capable of working out tough situations. YEAH....really a great resourceful kid!
Today, my sadness comes because of how he felt when I left.
My devastation comes because I did to him what my mom did to me.
He felt abandoned, if even for a few minutes. Minutes...moments, that feel like a lifetime.
He can't understand why I would leave....truthfully I can not understand why I would leave either.
Words were spoken. Mostly me expressing love for him and that I want what is best for him. I expect him to have trials and frustrations, and even that he will be defiant from time to time, and I only want him to learn from his experiences....
But last night. To see him so broken, knowing how that brokenness feels. Knowing the pain of having your mother leave you....
I left him. And he couldn't believe I drove away.
He could not understand how I could love him and do that.
I tried to tell him that it is because I love him, that I am willing to do and say hard things, to help him grow, to help him learn....but this, the devistation of this ....my only relief will come in true forgiveness, truely between us, that he will be able to forgive me.
I am keeping in mind that I can not project my pain....or rather, SHOULD NOT project my pain and experience into this.
But when he said he didn't want to talk to me about it because it is like talking to the person who just purposely ran over you with a car.....I couldn't help but feel my heart being ripped out of my chest.
DID I REALLY JUST ABANDON HIM?
Did I really just do unto him the pain that I have been through?
or will he never forget,
and always remember it.
Will he doubt my endearing love
Yes, Parenting is a Beautiful Challenge.
"God did not put us here to fail,"
Elder Jon M. Huntsman Sr.....
...but to work, and have integrity, and sacrifice, and determination....belief in ourselves, belief and hope and faith...
I will not fail him,
I will not fail me.