come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

not an easy road we are on

did I mention that my teenager has a head injury?

most people think he is just being a normal teen, thus i am over-reacting to how hard daily stuff is.
i began to write a blog about his head injury,
but i haven't really written from my heart.

oh, sounds pathetic enough when I update after an appointment, or some new found knowledge of how this week might go.

thing about head injuries
is you never really know
what to do...daily,

thing about teens...
you never know
what to do...daily,

it has been a year and a half since his classified mild traumatic brain injury, and since we let him play football (i think we brought it on ourselves at this point) he was hurt again, so we have injury upon injury.
(upon injury...upon injury)
....his heartache
....his heartache....

it's just big.

today as I tried to work with him on his eagle project he decided to go meet up with some friends, to skateboard....another un-safe sport that he engages in...mind you he is 17.5 years old...almost 18....and has a "mind" of his own.

I tried not to lose it....his Eagle project becoming mine to finish....(the paperwork is all that is left, he did the rest....a year ago.)

So as I patiently tried to explain that I needed him here with me to do the paperwork, it is NOT my project and really he should be doing it on his own, but I have been allowed to help him get the paperwork filled out, so that he can get it turned in and he can get credit for the work he did...sounds right, right!?

Wrong...! He says to me..."Mom, I don't even remember doing the Eagle Project".

more heartbreak.

"it was last Spring", i remind him.

"ya, well, there is a lot i don't remember."

i tell him I can show him the pictures.
he tells me, "not now". "can i just go, mom, please?"

i let him go.
and i cry inside.

will he ever remember.

i promise to be back with some of the happier moments, because yes, there are happy parts. i just needed to write this, here, in my closet, safe, while i cry...on the inside.


Steve E said...

Howdy, Mile!
Proud of you, girl
I'm so proud!
You are coming back and writing in a blog which had lain dormant for some time.

It's so late, and I'm so tired, I want to be completely alert , to comment here, so...I'll be Bach! Maybe tomorrow, and respond to your post!

Meanwhile, sleep well, rest well, let weariness evaporate, as PEACE and vibrant life take hold.

Anonymous said...

Oh my heart was touched deeply by your "heartbreak" is Sunday and I will be on my way to services soon, and as I find my way to the altar I will lift you and your son up before the Lord, God give her grace, give her strength, give her your peace as she continues to journey through this season of tears .....Healing Lord to this young man be it a miraculous touch or a slow healing...Lord your will be done

mile191 said...

Steve: thank you, always. Many many times your words have lifted me and lightened the load on my journey here. I am healing, you know, and it is a blessing to be among friendships.

Rhonda: God bless you for all your kindness. I feel that there is healing, in bits, and pieces. Time and faith and sharing and caring. Thank you for sharing your faith with us. :)

rainfield61 said...

Steve brings me to here.

Blessing from Malaysia, a country that seems very far away, but yet very near to you.

Leslie said...

proud of you
feel your pain
have lived it too
never apologize
for your fear

Crystal Mary said...

Hello, I found you through Steves Blog. I read about the trauma of your young life and felt sick at the actions of your birth mother. She knew what was going on. She denied it to herself and you because she wanted to keep that FILTHY EVIL man in her life. I pray God convicts her and she repents about it all. And I pray, if she is still living, that she contacts you and tells you she is sorry, in person.
HEAD INJURIES: If you can't afford to go to a hospital or to the doctors (there are free clinic's now all over the USA. Please look at the side bar of my health Blog to find one close to you.)
The is what you do in regard to head trauma.
Patient sitting or laying.
1. Check the pupils (black middle spot) of the eyes. They should both be the same size AND, they should react (go smaller)to torch light. Then open larger again if in a darker enclosure.
2.Take hold of both hands of the person and ask them to squeeze yours gently. Both grips should be the same.
3. Check they can push both feet against you the same.No weakness in either.
This is the fastest way of checking. Of course if there is any ear, nose or mouth bleeding, or vomiting, there could be a head fracture or brain damage. In this case get them to a hospital.
My health blog is:
Blessings and love. Crystal

Steve E said...

Hi, Mile!
I said I'd be back, but didn't realize it would be two WEEKS!

Age 17½ is old enough (ALMOST) to vote, drink, kill people in war. Also it is a time (was for me) to do everything humanly (NOT 'humanely") possible to assert my adulthood, and let the world know that I already know everything--just ask me.

AND my parents, while OK Peeps, are not really prized brain specimens, nor are they very 'cool'. But they keep trying, bless their souls.

It took the larger part of a lifetime for me to realize I knew/KNOW NOTHING! Well, I DO know there is a God...and it is NOT me!

This does not mean your heart cannot break, nor that you cannot cry. Help yourself to those things, as needed. Know that you did your best--under all circumstances--to raise your children, and when it becomes time, turn them over to God. NMW (No Matter What!)

You will 'get through' this as well as all the other stuff...that's what it all is, anyway: STUFF!

Just one thing you do not want to hear: The more you expect from your son at this time, the more time you will spend in the closet, crying on the inside.

Other topic...I am so glad some of the Peeps got to read your story and tell you how GOOD it is that you have come this far, and getting better day-by-day. HOW close we Peeps are, no matter where from, how far, what religion, sex, age. I KNOW you were impressed. Many probably read and did not comment--it is because you have become so open, and willing to share your life story, that others are drawn to you (Because we all have the same issues/problems, to greater or lesser degree.

Please god, bless our good friend {{{MILE}}} and allow her more and more happy moments, days, years of life on earth. AMEN!

Love, and PEACE!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191