i didn't know that darkness could be so black.
in the middle of the night.
no matter how many houselights you turn on....it is still dark.
when your child is missing.
no one took him,
he went to a friends to watch a movie
last i heard
that was about 1 AM. he texted me.
"the movie is long mom,
we are just finishing up,
i will be home soon"
at 1:37 AM i sent
"i am still up"
i reminded him at 2:10 that a movie can be shut off
and midnight is still when i expect him home.
i reminded him that i always wait up
for him to get home
a hug goodnight,
and it is [a good night] - when all are home--- safely tucked in
its morning now. and still dark.
i didn't sleep.
i think i have walked a permanant path in my carpet,
from downstairs -- his room
to the upstairs front windows
looking for his car.
listening for the sounds of him coming home.
after about 2 AM my reply to him wasn't so patient
he hadn't replied
i am still pacing
this early bright dark morning
the phone rang -- never has my heart pounded so much
it was just a junk call
he is still missing
we live on a busy street. even in the middle of my darkest night people are coming and going. that is a lot of sounds. i listen -- but i know the distinct sound of my sons car, and none are his.
i usually hear his keys as he spins them on the way up to the door.
the sound of the screen, his footsteps, the key in the lock
and then straight to my room,
to say "mamma, i am home"
but not last night.
not this morning.
i have checked mugshots on the computer (not because he is a naughty 17.9 year old -- but because i don't know what else to do)
i spent time on social networks -- looking at his friends who are friends with me; we keep an eye on our kids -- i thought.
i checked his sites
-- nothing ....that would make me worry
yet i worry more
at 3 AM and 3:20 and 3:49 and 4:19 i call his number
once i left a message
my voice was shaking
i wish i hadn't left a message like that
-- i don't
my last text pleaded "whatever's going on i am just worried. please...let me know you are okay"
silence....and the darkest darkness
at 5ish AM i crawl back into bed
all my senses alert,
still listening for comforting sounds
i asked mr. B if i should call hospitals
he says no...we just wait
i lay untouched in the darkness
and feel the tears roll down my cheeks
it is an unreal feeling
to that feeling
i feel my heart beating
not too loud
not enough to block the sounds from the street
but enough that i notice the blood rushing in one valve
and out another
my heart is broke
but it still does it's work
and so does mr. B
he finally rolls to hold me
but not before asking if he can
he never wants to startle me
in the darkness
and tonight was darker than most
tears kept running from my eyes
and my heart
i really really pray
and this time --- i feel like i am not praying for me
but only to understand God's will
i say i know we have agency
and He can not charge my son
to do what we both want
only can He comfort and give peace,
i say i know that He knows where G is
and i don't think it is fair that i don't
...i wait for Him to answer me....
but silence...the quietest silence
in the darkest darkness
just please....you (God) know where he is
please don't let him feel alone
please don't let him be suffering
but i trust that you are keeping watch
and that we will get through this ---- darkness
i keep praying and it is just for my little big G
please remind him that we love him
that no matter what we just want him content and growing
that if this night is really hard
and really dark
for whatever the reason
we love him... too... and we will be here....waiting
please remind him of who he is
and give him a glimpse of who he is becoming
and keep him warm
at some point i drifted into a dream
it was me and little G
seeing his anticipation of knowing all the why's and how's and what's that's of an eager toddler
it was his birth
it was remembering how he grew inside me
and a knowledge that he now is growing
outside of me
outside of my control
i vividly remembered my surgery a couple of years ago
how terribly broken i felt to have a hysterectomy
and how this little almost grown big G crawled next to me in the hospital bed
he said to me "mom, this has to be so hard for you, they took the place you first held me"
so sensitive for a young teen boy
and so wise
and yet last night as i felt my heart working overtime i knew that i really still held him within me
it was not where i carried him that held him first.
it was my heart.
i don't know what else to do this morning.
the other children are sleeping so peacefully
i am wide awake
listening still for the sound of him coming home
it's light, the sun is up
but it feels so dark
today may be the hardest day of my life....ever
i will have to live it to find out.
i am anxious
i thought today was going to be just another day.
i planned to get more plants for the garden
the kids are out of school
we might have taken a road trip -- to visit grandpa
i need to get a blood test, making sure no bad c-cells have grown back since my last surgery
i was anxious for that
now that doesn't seem so bad
i haven't stopped praying
haven't closed my pleading
my mind wanders to all the loved ones passed on...recent and ways back
i think of them knowing a little something about where G is
and wish they could tell me.
but i hope they are watching over
until he returns to home
my heart is not trembling as much
i think it is keeping quiet...calm
so i can listen
i am still pacing
wondering, yes...what will come of today,
the light of the darkest night and early day is still
and i hear him not so many years ago chanting with me:
"see you later alligator
after while crocodile
not to soon baboon
give a hug lady bug
be sweet parakeet
so long king kong
out the door dinosaur
see you soon racoon
blow a kiss jellyfish
and bye, said the fly
take care polar bear
bye bye butterfly"
this is so surreal
in the light of today we have to know something
i can not imagine the darkness of another night
if you are a prayerful person
whatever comes of today...
my hope... he will return home
or ....the alternative
i appreciate your faith
while mine is faultering
in the darkness
of light today