come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

darkness

quick update on this post below:  he is home and safe, doesn't change any of what i felt and experienced....weird that now i just feel silly.  but those feelings of worry for a child are so real and heartfelt.  he did fall asleep watching the movie; right after the one AM -ish text, woke up confused and sad that he worried me.  with his head injury and new meds it just makes things hard...for him...and for me.



i didn't know that darkness could be so black.

in the middle of the night.
no matter how many houselights you turn on....it is still dark.

when your child is missing.

no one took him,
he went to a friends to watch a movie

last i heard

that was about 1 AM.  he texted me.

  "the movie is long mom,
we are just finishing up,
  i will be home soon"


at 1:37 AM i sent
"i am still up"

i reminded him at 2:10 that a movie can be shut off
and midnight is still when i expect him home.


i reminded him that i always wait up
for him to get home
a hug goodnight,
and it is [a good night] - when all are home---  safely tucked in


its morning now.  and still dark.

i didn't sleep.
i think i have walked a permanant path in my carpet,
from downstairs -- his room
to the upstairs front windows

looking for his car.

listening for the sounds of him coming home.

after about 2 AM my reply to him wasn't so patient
he hadn't replied

...since 1:18

i am still pacing
this early bright dark morning


JUST NOW
the phone rang -- never has my heart pounded so much


it was just a junk call

he is still missing



we live on a busy street. even in the middle of my darkest night people are coming and going.  that is a lot of sounds.  i listen -- but i know the distinct sound of my sons car, and none are his.


i usually hear his keys as he spins them on the way up to the door.
the sound of the screen, his footsteps, the key in the lock

and then straight to my room,
to say "mamma, i am home"

but not last night.
not this morning.



i have checked mugshots on the computer (not because he is a naughty 17.9 year old -- but because i don't know what else to do)

i spent time on social networks -- looking at his friends who are friends with me; we keep an eye on our kids -- i thought.


i checked his sites
-- nothing ....that would make me worry

yet i worry more


at 3 AM and 3:20 and 3:49 and 4:19 i call his number

once i left a message
my voice was shaking

i wish i hadn't left a message like that
-- i don't
 want him
to worry
about me....worrying


my last text pleaded "whatever's going on i am just worried. please...let me know you are okay"


silence....and the darkest darkness


at 5ish AM i crawl back into bed
all my senses alert,
still listening for comforting sounds


i asked mr. B if i should call hospitals
he says no...we just wait

wait


waiting



still



i lay untouched in the darkness
and feel the tears roll down my cheeks

it is an unreal feeling
so strange
different
i have
never really
paid attention
to that feeling



i feel my heart beating
not too loud
not enough to block the sounds from the street

but enough that i notice the blood rushing in one valve
and out another

my heart is broke
heavy
hurting

but it still does it's work


and so does mr. B

he finally rolls to hold me
but not before asking if he can

he never wants to startle me
 in the darkness



and tonight was darker than most



tears kept running from my eyes
silence
and tears
and my heart


i pray

i really really pray



and this time --- i feel like i am not praying for me
but only to understand God's will

i say i know we have agency
and He can not charge my son
His son
to do what we both want

only can He comfort and give peace,
and understanding

i say i know that He knows where G is
and i don't think it is fair that i don't

...i wait for Him to answer me....

but silence...the quietest silence
in the darkest darkness

just please....you (God) know where he is
please don't let him feel alone
please don't let him be suffering

but i trust that you are keeping watch
and that we will get through this ---- darkness

i keep praying and it is just for my little big G
please remind him that we love him
that no matter what we just want him content and growing

and home


that if this night is really hard
and really dark
for whatever the reason

we love him... too... and we will be here....waiting


please remind him of who he is
and give him a glimpse of who he is becoming

and keep him warm


at some point i drifted into a dream
it was me and little G
seeing his anticipation of knowing all the why's and how's and what's that's of an eager toddler

it was his birth
it was remembering how he grew inside me

and a knowledge that he now is growing
outside of me

outside of my control


i vividly remembered my surgery a couple of years ago
how terribly broken i felt to have a hysterectomy

and how this little almost grown big G crawled next to me in the hospital bed

he said to me "mom, this has to be so hard for you, they took the place you first held me"


so sensitive for a young teen boy
and so wise

and yet last night as i felt my heart working overtime i knew that i really still held him within me

it was not where i carried him that held him first.
it was my heart.


i don't know what else to do this morning.
the other children are sleeping so peacefully
i am wide awake

listening still for the sound of him coming home

it's light, the sun is up

but it feels so dark



today may be the hardest day of my life....ever
i will have to live it to find out.



i am anxious
i thought today was going to be just another day.
i planned to get more plants for the garden
the kids are out of school
we might have taken a road trip -- to visit grandpa

i need to get a blood test, making sure no bad c-cells have grown back since my last surgery

i was anxious for that

now that doesn't seem so bad

i haven't stopped praying
haven't closed my pleading

my mind wanders to all the loved ones passed on...recent and ways back
i think of them knowing a little something about where G is
and wish they could tell me.

but i hope they are watching over
until he returns to home


my heart is not trembling as much
i think it is keeping quiet...calm
so i can listen
i am still pacing
watching

wondering, yes...what will come of today,

the light of the darkest night and early day is still

and i hear him not so many years ago chanting with me:

"see you later alligator
after while crocodile
not to soon baboon
give a hug lady bug
be sweet parakeet
so long king kong
out the door dinosaur
see you soon racoon
blow a kiss jellyfish
and bye, said the fly
take care polar bear

bye bye butterfly"



this is so surreal
in the light of today we have to know something
i can not imagine the darkness of another night


if you are a prayerful person
please pray
whatever comes of today...
my hope... he will return home
or ....the alternative

i appreciate your faith
while mine is faultering
in the darkness
of light today

5 comments:

Worth-Waiting-For said...

I can't imagine how scary this is for you. Thinking of you and praying for the safe return of your son.

Steve E said...

Stacie, soon it is evening here, still dark/light there. By now you MUST have some word, or knowledge. And...it MUST be good.

So, starting from there, I pray WITH you, of course, that God is watching G...but also that He relieves you of stress--NOT because you suffer with it! Rather, relieve you of the bondage of this stress, so that you are better able to cope with whatever is God's will. SO that you can better show others (who may also be suffering) how GOD got you through this one more trial. Out of trials arise saints, my dear, so be careful of those wings--grin!

Also at risk of trivializing your predicament, I have to write to you, how one wold have to look FAR AND WIDE to find a better writer, communicator, as yourself.

Please keep us informed. We DO care.
LOVE and PEACE!

Worth-Waiting-For said...

AWESOME news!!! Thanks for the update. So glad to hear that he is safe and sound. I do not have children of my own, but I imagine not hearing anything after a 1 am text would have sent me through the moon with worry! In other words, I do not think you are silly for getting worked up - not at all. Hope you guys are having a nice, peaceful, restful night :)

Rhonda said...

Been thinking of you lately and just wanted to drop by and wish you well.

Just Be Real said...

Mile, thinking about you. Hugs.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191