come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, January 8, 2010

broken and lonely

i thought i was going to be okay …i have been so positive, and maintained a mind over matter happy day attitude how come tonight i am freaking out inside. my sensibility tells me to hold it together. no one round me should have to deal with the pain and torture that i am feeling inside. i have been cheerful, i have been pleasant, i have been strong. i have worked, stayed busy, served, loved, cheered….yet tonight i feel darkness and pain and anger and torment taking over my insides out. all is well, i keep telling myself that, yet i can not help but feel there is a flood of tears behind the dam of my eyelids. i breathe. i pray. i pretend, and the frayed rope that i have been clinging to is coming to an end…it is stretched and at the end of its strength. tonight there is nothing left. tomorrow is my late grandmothers birthday. i have prepared to celebrate in doing good deeds, doing things that would honor her life, finished off by a huge bowl of rocky road ice cream put away with her favorite ice cream eating spoon that was gifted to me when she could no longer tolerate eating it. she had asked me to feed her ice cream until she died, and i tried my best to fulfill her wish. last year i finished off her final half gallon of rocky road topped with my tears. i miss her. i thought i could go into January loving it as much as she did, but i don’t know if January's end will find me fulfilling her legacy. i miss her....


Mike Golch said...

I miss both my Grand Mothers,one of my Grand Father died when Dad was but 5 years old.Mom's Dad lived out in Ca.after grandma and him divorced.
I feel you pain.Know this your grandma is no longer suffering,she is home with GOD.She is looking down on with the lov she had for you when she was alive.Hugs my good friend.(tears welling up as I write this)

Prayer Girl said...

Sometimes my emotions just don't care what I have planned or how my intellect wants to direct things. When this happens, all I can do is 'go with it' and allow my feelings to be what they are. I must honor and respect them. When I don't resist, they tend to pass more quickly.

I pray for you. God bless your journey through this painful moment till you arrive at the other end of it.


Just Be Real said...

I am so very sorry for your pain dear one. Grieving is oh so very hard. I am on my way with understanding and feeling this myself. Blessings and hugs to you!

Rhonda said...

{{{HUGS}}}} I am so sorry you are having a difficult time right now. I'm the same way at times. I put that mask of positivity on constantly to somehow force myself to feel stronger than I am. Too ignore the pain and blemishes in my life.

In order to heal completely, you are going to have to face that pain at your own pace. Be true to yourself dear one and keep letting your thoughts and feelings out here.

You are a wonderful person and WILL get through this!

LeShel said...

the morning feels warm even though the cold air is pushing its way through the walls of my home. i read your post on the family blog and found myself renewed and wanting to live her legacy. i am sure your pain is severe and cuts so deep. i know she loves you and will greet you with open arms! be YOU! feel what YOU feel! and then be stronger than you though you could, maybe not strong but stronger.

mile191 said...

thank you each, your comments have given me hope and renewed healing. your support of me, and of each other is amazing, and this is surely a place of healing. thank you.

mile191 said...

...and LeShel, have i told you how much joy it brings me to see you with grandma each time you comment. thank you. you are a legacy of her for sure. i love you both.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mile. Of course you would have a flood of tears, missing your grandmother. I hope you can do some healthy grieving. I don't know how it works really, but something tells me that honors her, too. It certainly honors your feelings.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191