i thought i was going to be okay …i have been so positive, and maintained a mind over matter happy day attitude ..so how come tonight i am freaking out inside. my sensibility tells me to hold it together. no one round me should have to deal with the pain and torture that i am feeling inside. i have been cheerful, i have been pleasant, i have been strong. i have worked, stayed busy, served, loved, cheered….yet tonight i feel darkness and pain and anger and torment taking over my insides out. all is well, i keep telling myself that, yet i can not help but feel there is a flood of tears behind the dam of my eyelids. i breathe. i pray. i pretend, and the frayed rope that i have been clinging to is coming to an end…it is stretched and at the end of its strength. tonight there is nothing left. tomorrow is my late grandmothers birthday. i have prepared to celebrate in doing good deeds, doing things that would honor her life, finished off by a huge bowl of rocky road ice cream put away with her favorite ice cream eating spoon that was gifted to me when she could no longer tolerate eating it. she had asked me to feed her ice cream until she died, and i tried my best to fulfill her wish. last year i finished off her final half gallon of rocky road topped with my tears. i miss her. i thought i could go into January loving it as much as she did, but i don’t know if January's end will find me fulfilling her legacy. i miss her....
Friday, January 8, 2010
broken and lonely
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Thanks CORNUT32! ♥
What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.
I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.
Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191
8 comments:
I miss both my Grand Mothers,one of my Grand Father died when Dad was but 5 years old.Mom's Dad lived out in Ca.after grandma and him divorced.
I feel you pain.Know this your grandma is no longer suffering,she is home with GOD.She is looking down on with the lov she had for you when she was alive.Hugs my good friend.(tears welling up as I write this)
Sometimes my emotions just don't care what I have planned or how my intellect wants to direct things. When this happens, all I can do is 'go with it' and allow my feelings to be what they are. I must honor and respect them. When I don't resist, they tend to pass more quickly.
I pray for you. God bless your journey through this painful moment till you arrive at the other end of it.
PG
(((((Mile)))))
I am so very sorry for your pain dear one. Grieving is oh so very hard. I am on my way with understanding and feeling this myself. Blessings and hugs to you!
{{{HUGS}}}} I am so sorry you are having a difficult time right now. I'm the same way at times. I put that mask of positivity on constantly to somehow force myself to feel stronger than I am. Too ignore the pain and blemishes in my life.
In order to heal completely, you are going to have to face that pain at your own pace. Be true to yourself dear one and keep letting your thoughts and feelings out here.
You are a wonderful person and WILL get through this!
the morning feels warm even though the cold air is pushing its way through the walls of my home. i read your post on the family blog and found myself renewed and wanting to live her legacy. i am sure your pain is severe and cuts so deep. i know she loves you and will greet you with open arms! be YOU! feel what YOU feel! and then be stronger than you though you could, maybe not strong but stronger.
LOVE YOU
thank you each, your comments have given me hope and renewed healing. your support of me, and of each other is amazing, and this is surely a place of healing. thank you.
...and LeShel, have i told you how much joy it brings me to see you with grandma each time you comment. thank you. you are a legacy of her for sure. i love you both.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mile. Of course you would have a flood of tears, missing your grandmother. I hope you can do some healthy grieving. I don't know how it works really, but something tells me that honors her, too. It certainly honors your feelings.
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