come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Monday, May 16, 2011

chEeRfuL is a cHoicE

checking in....
i have been really irritated...angry
and likely very difficult to be around.

in fact i may need a caution cone to wear as a hat.
[i think i said that somewhere before.]

someone said...ahem, ....that making a dayS goal was not is definitely a ONE day at a time process....
[you were right. enjoy the glory....i don't often admit to being :( ]

generally, in truth to my nature...
when i make such a bold statement
i end up doing the EXACT opposite.
[something i am learning about myself]

I don't think I do it on purpose,
it just seems I allow myself to be jinxed.
over confident maybe...???

I can recall so many meetings with my bishop and other clergy saying WOW...I HAVE OVERCOME THIS...or THAT....and really feeling like I will NEVER be a problem for me again. We all have our challenges.

I feel the door hit me on the way out and I am immediately heading in the wrong direction, or at least headed down the road that I least expect....and most expect will find me stirring up trouble.

....arrrggghhhh WEAKNESS

ANyhoW, i am NOT being hard on myself....just recognizing that whatever it is I am dealing with and going through right now is REAL, and HARD, and MAXIMUM GROWTH POTENTIAL is right around the corner, ....i think. [i hope]

FACT: i have never experienced such ANGER.

RAGE....irrationality.'s insane, or maybe I am.

in general I am working on myself.


I am working on Step 4: TRUTH ...although I have NOT mastered step 1: honesty....or step 3: TRUST in GOD. I feel a little better with step 2: HOPE.

this MORAL INVENTORY is kicking my butt.....and i am CHOOSING to be a pain in the BUTT...poor people around me.

The only step I am really good at is
step 13: REPEAT!!!

I have to be,
being I repeat the error of my ways so often.

Anyhow....i blogged a pretty cool rhetoric regarding my recent GRADUATION...suCceSs....i accomplished an associates degree in the meantime!

I haven't completely quit!!! ...on me.

...just keep trying,
choose to be cheerful,
choose to recover,


Steve E said...

How I got sober--please read:

They asked me at that first meeting if I really wanted to STAY SOBER. I answered "No!"

So they told me to go drink some more and when I was 'ready' come back.

Now, WHENEVER I'm 'told' to do something
(even to this day!) I do the OPPOSITE. Since I was told to go drink, I did not. I stayed sober and went back the next week.

Many years later I STILL will not drink--because THAT is what they told me to do! END OF STORY

Of course, I
1. worked the steps
2. WITH a sponsor
3. PRAYED in my own words
4. became willing to become WILLING
5. to change
6. everything
7. make amends--through changing
8. show others what God did for me
9. ask them if they are willing
10. to do what I did
11. and share in the utter happiness
12. of living the AA way of life

Hey girl! Is this YOUR blog? Or MINE? Sorry for the long (blong?). But, ya know...maybe it will help someone.

Love you, Stacie, and pray for you. Yesss I do! Keep up the good work. Anger is a tough nut to crack--maybe give GOD a 'crack' at it--grin!

TC said...

i can tend to do the opposite of what i'm told, as well. I think I've softened a bit as I've gotten a bit older but I hate being controlled. Even more than that is my dislike of labels. And sure, sometimes you can choose to be cheerful but i truly believe learning to be authentic is much more valuable!

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191