come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Friday, June 10, 2011

bitter vs. better

when faced with challenges
we can get bitter
or we can get better.
---kristopher swinson


i have a calendar in my room
stuck on this quote,
the month of last summer,
i haven't moved past it.


it feels like i am still trying
to wrap my head around this thought.



for the last couple of months my husband
had written on the bathroom mirror a quote:


"We become
what we want to be
by consistently being
what we want to become
each day. "



personally, I am pretty much focusing
on being bitter, and angry, ...irritable...

I rationalize being bitter and angry [and sad] ...
by bragging up my gratitude.
Certainly if I am so grateful for all the things that I am bitter and angry and irritable and IRRATIONAL about than I am RIGHT....RIGHT???

He erased the quote last week.


Anyhow, here I am this morning thinking about all these things.
I am a mess; a horrendous mess hidden behind a smile, a good deed done for another; alas, i am
a functioning disaster.

I would rather be curled up in my closet with a bottle of jack.

i bought the jack,
now i am just working up the nerve
to befriend it.
i know where this path leads.
why cant my temptation
be to plant flowers
and paint rainbows?


moving on:
family wedding tonight.
actually family wedding this morning.

i am not there.

it's a temple wedding,
they frown upon
showing up to those hungover.

no, i am not hungover,

but in my head i wish i was.
the sin is done in the mind, in the heart.


i am pretty certain that beyond the life circumstances i am struggling with---...
that i have a physical hormone imbalance due to some tumor like growths [AGAIN :( ]
tumors like to mess with me from time to time.

thus reading/listening/talking to me should be done with caution right now.
this WILL pass, and when i have a rational thought again [PHEWWWW] ...i will look back upon this and not even recognize the person with these feelings.


in the meantime
the MEAN time, as those around me would
tell this cautionary tale...

I don't know what I feel,
I don't know why,
I have plenty of reasons to take a break for a bit
I have plenty of reasons not to.

I am extremely grateful for the abundance of blessing in my life.
I feel quite spoiled to be honest with you.
The past has plenty of things that frankly suck.
But mingled in with those moments of terror
are happiness and joy and laughter.

The moments of terror are my past,
not my today,
not my future.

I decide now....
and taking all that has happened recently
in stride
I will pull through this moment of darkness,
I just need to feel what I am feeling, in this moment.

when i let go of bitter,
will i be better?

11 comments:

Steve E said...

Hey Stace.
Bitter or Better, I'm here!

Sometimes in order to be happy, I simply have to ACT happy. It works for me. Hint-I've been practicing!

PEACE!

Just Be Real said...

Mile, I am so glad to see you once again! You put a smile on my face when I saw your last two comments to me, thank you.

Thank you for sharing on this post as well. Blessings and safe hugs always.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Mile,
This is so well expressed so well written. I would that I could hold you in a warm embrace and let you know that you are enough. I really appreciate that you are giving yourself time to feel your feelings. This is good.
xoxo,
Vicki

Lara said...

I came across your blog and I love it. You are so strong. I love the bitter vs better. It was exactly what I needed to read today. Thanks.

And if you want to, hop on over to my blog and check it out!
learningtosurvivesexualabuse.blogspot.com

Thanks!

-Lara

LADYBUG said...

My dear Mile, continue on what you are doing, nobody by this time can tell you what to do, you are so smart, but God put us in this world to go through the test, persevere my friend, you will be the crown of life by the God almighty. Perseverence. read the book of James. love you. Hilda

Just Be Real said...

(((Mile))))

joybug56 said...

Oh the struggle we all deal with to make a choice to be bitter or better...sometimes as cruel as it is we would rather hang onto the "bitter" than the promise of "sweet" as we find in forgiveness. I truly enjoyed reading your blog this morning. You have a new follower ....loved it!

Marcia said...

Yes to your last question. Always a choice but also yes to needing to feel what you are feeling.

Will keep you in my prayers when I can pray again. ;)

Much love.

hedgehogegg said...

Hi ive just come across your blog and see what you have done. i want to talk to and you have inspired me so here goes

http://silentsurvivornomore.blogspot.com

hedgehogegg said...

im trying to post but not sure how and what to do or if i keep reapeating myself. im truly inspired by all of what you are doing to heal. im goning to try the same... so here goes

my blog is
http://silentsurvivornomore.blogspot.com

Psych Client said...

it's hard to let go of bitterness but I'm told that yes if you can you will feel better.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.


this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.


mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.


please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.


this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.


Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥



What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191