come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Thursday, December 8, 2011


Tonight I bring a different healing moment to my closet. It's been a while, a long while, since I have spent time here. I had comments to moderate from moons ago. I am sorry I didn't see to them sooner. Truth. I get the comments in my email and I love hearing from you. When you are healing it is so nice to know someone notices. You noticed and you commented and it means a lot to me.

Today I need to be here. To write. It is the only place I know I can write that no one will come up to me at school or church and say something in regards to the issue. What I write here today I don't want to face tomorrow. I leave it. It needs to be said out loud. I need someone to hear me. I need to know that you care and your comments are all that. Then I move forward. Sounds like healing to me.

I had surgery again yesterday. Again because I have a problem growing tumors. They are always benign so no worries. But it's a big deal because the pain I go through is annoying up to removal, then the surgery, the inconvenience and all that comes with recovering. I have grown stuff for 20+ years. All the time that I have been with mr. B. We were dating when I first had a growth. He still married me, for better or worse.

Anyhow, I think the last time I blogged I mentioned said tumor and it hasn't been a party since. I get really emotional and irritable and am in pain a lot. Thus I am a pain to those close to me. Even though I try to control it, I still suffer those around me as we live with it.

I put off ultrasounds for a few months. It looked like nothing so I just lived day to day. About October I began to notice the intensity changing so I scheduled an ultrasound. It had changed. Time three it's size and not one that I could let grow further. Out it had to come. That was three weeks ago. Surgery was yesterday.

I'm writing because I am really frustrated and biting my tongue. I bite my tongue whenever something hurts me and I try to hold back the angry words. I know it will pass but the fact that when what is bothering me is being held in it feels like the old days of abuse. I dont want to live like that. So I write.

I didn't want to do this surgery at all. The timing is bad. Too much to be done these days for my family and the holidays and on top of that my two oldest need their wisdom teeth out. One was done this past Monday. One next week. It just seemed an inconvenience to throw in my surgery in the middle. However mr. B really wanted me to do it. He sees me in pain, it's noble, he doesn't want me to hurt anymore.

Here's the problem. The rambling. Begins. We get to the hospital yesterday and I can already tell that this is a task for B. He is dropping me off and headed home to get our three children off to schools and check on our recovering wisdom tooth surgery child. Of course my concern and instinct is toward the children as well. I put them first, always. And the hospital is taking a very long time. It's irritating, I mention that this is not a great time for this, for us. He just wants it done. the list. And I can tell. It's a task. There is no nurturing on his part. I feel his stress and it's hard for me. So I get settled and he can hardly wait to get home. Times a ticking. The kids need him. He leaves and I am alone. First off that is horrible for me. My past and being alone in hospitals doesnt go well. But I handle it. I think of my mom. I know if she could be there in spirit she would be and with my eyes closed I almost feel her with me.

I go into surgery and wake up. I can't open my eyes and I am so nauseous. I am alone.

It's a while before he comes back and then he is just in a hurry to get me out of there. Home bound. His agenda is to get me there. He has to go to work. I asked him if he took the day off. He says no. I ask if he told his work I was having surgery. They would understand. The answer again. No.

He keeps telling me to wake up.
Why are you sleeping?
I am so nauseous I can not open my eyes. I have been sick but he wasn't there so he doesn't realize the trauma from surgery. He just sees me peacefully sleeping. Peacefully???

Again, why are you sleeping? Honestly, have you seen Finding Nemo where Nemo is upside-down in the bag pretending to be dead and the little girl with horrid braced is shaking the bag screaming why are you sleeping???

He is that horrid girl. I am Nemo.

I finally told him to just leave. I am not going anywhere. I was seriously so sick, and he was making it worse. Thus he did finally go. The nurse was irritated at his impatience but she certainly didn't let on to it when he was around. It felt awful. I was so embarrassed I just wanted to go home. I made myself rush through their checklist and ready me for home before he got back. He could hardly dress me fast enough to getnout to the car. He was so annoying about it. I just wanted to hide.

I got dressed. He left for the car. I threw up all the meds he gave me before he rushed out of the room. All the juice, the pills, everything. He missed it and only wondered what took so long to get me to the car. I got a quick ride home and then left to sleep.

Mr. Responsible adult headed back to work. I slept the rest of the day. My four wonderful children checked in on me throughout the afternoon. He crawled in bed at some point and left again this morning. Today I got a text asking me if I had set up a family to come to Sunday dinner yet. We have people over each Sunday so he just wanted to be sure I was on top of that.

He came home to drop off one son from school and found me resting and acted surprised at my sleeping. I had asked him if the hospital sent home any instructions with him. I knew only enough from past experience what to expect, how to rest, not drive, etc. He got the instructions and started to look over them...a day late and consideration short, I just got up and showered. I then assisted our children in their chores and homework and got dinner made. I don't know much about what I am suppose to be doing but I know what I expect of myself and thus I am functioning there.

Tonight I just feel sad. I texted him a few things and after about 5 texts I get the one word answer "okay". As if that is even an answer to any of it. No NOT OKAY. Seriously.

It's not really that I needed him to be here with me. Or there with me. At the hospital. I just needed him to be patient and recognize the circumstance. I don't doubt that he is stressed with work. We are fortunate he has a job that provides so well. I get that neither B or his work got the memo that I was having surgery, thus I would need a little patience and time to recover.

I woke up this morning and felt great. I guess that having been in as much pain as I have been in for the past months that recovering from surgery is a piece of cake. Physically I do feel pretty great. I overdid it tonight in my frustration but other than that I feel great.

I wanted to tell him that. I wanted him to ask me how I am feeling so I could tell him that. The day is near over. He is at work. He hasn't asked.

Emotionally I think I am okay. Believe it or not. Just telling you here I feel healed. I can breathe. And smile. And go tuck my kids in.

This is me today. Here in my closet. It is not abused me trying to heal. It is just me. Thanks for listening.


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

It may take a moment for your comment to appear on the site.1 CommentClose this window Jump to comment form Marcia said...
The fact is that it feels like abuse because it is abuse--emotional abuse--and biting your tongue is pretty much avoiding confrontation which is the very food that feeds abuse. You must confront and that does not mean waiting to lose it and letting your tongue rule over you. That means you ruling over your tongue and using it appropriately vs. covering it all up. As long as sin (and emotional abuse is sin) is not confronted, it is like a fire that consumes everything in its path. You are concerned about your children, as all good mothers are, but this fire will spread to them too if you don't confront.
If you can remember one word out of my comment, remember CONFRONT. Confrontation is NOT conflict, it is simply light shed on truth. Most people avoid it because they fear the conflict that typically follows when light is shed, but it's well worth it to bring on the light. BRING ON THE LIGHT!!!

I will keep you in my prayers and remember that God has NOT called us to submit to abuse. We have a choice, to break the cycle, especially for your children.

This comes to mind for your Mr. B:
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ...For husbands, this means love your wives, JUST AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH (His Bride). He gave up his life for her...Ephesians 5 By the way, your part to submit NEVER includes abuse of any kind.

Now, this one's for YOU:
Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood. For your Creator will be your Husband; the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth.
For the Lord has called you back from your grief—as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband, says your God.~Isaiah 54:4-6 (I would read the entire chapter)


Lara said...

That is a beautiful post! I feel for you! And I love the fact that you give me hope and remind me that there is more than just the abuse side of things. There is me, and I am me no matter what. :)

Just Be Real said...

Good to hear from you Mile. Safe hugs to you.

Psych Client said...

oh my, tumors I have missed so much because I have been so self absorbed. I am so sorry Ive been away my friend. my prayers are with you. I am going to go and read more of your posts and get caught up please forgive me.

Just Be Real said...

Mile I hope you are doing okay with recovery from your surgery. Hoping this year will be a good one for you. Safe hugs.

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191