today: triggers

this day, this sabbath. someone asked me how i am really doing. ...

how am i doing? really???

i suppose okay. i finally lost a little bit of grip on the rope of life, dangling over the edge, gazing below at the jagged rocks, knowing full well i can just let go and He will be there to help me fall. and really REALLY ...all will be well.

i haven't written for a while. i had a great post for January...beginnings, anew. fresh outlook, choosing happiness, and joy, because that is just it: joy is a choice. i wanted to talk about all the wonderful possibilities i was feeling ...and then life swooped in and i missed that ChaNcE to write while i had this bit of pondering, a positive pondering, even while juggling l i f e!

you would have LOVED it! and i am sorry i missed that moment. it is fuzzy but still somewhat fresh in my heart.

we found out that the growth had cancer. this time, out of a bakers dozen growths and surgeries, this one, the one i was healing from in December, had the c-word cells. my doctor was so positive that it was all going to be okay. a few days before Christmas he told me. it was my scheduled appointment.

i went alone.

it was okay. really.

i didn't feel panic, always thought i would. if it ever happened to me.

if anything i felt the compassion of a doctor that didn't overreact. sure he told me that i would be back to work the next day, after surgery in December, and we all know that was not reality. it sucked. i tried to go back to work, i work from home, a seriously spoiled stay at home mother who loves her job, but day after surgery to wake up to work and be expected to work as if i hadn't had c-word cut out of me the day before....it was rough.

anyhow, he said that i just needed to wait til February and test again. we did, and all is well. they got it early and the surrounding tissue looks healthy and LUCKY. blessed, that's the word i am focused on.

anyhow, no panic. still hanging in there, toughing it out. although truly counting blessings while hanging over the jagged rocks. and very thankful. i sound like a dichotomy.

i did find out this month that i have a hernia. that, interestingly, the hernia, is the pain i have been in probably always, or at least most of the last 20 years. which has led them to find the tumors and question why they are hurting me so much. these types of tumors usually don't hurt. well, the pain, led me to the discovery of the growths, and the removal and the keeping me from a serious type of c-word. so i am still in pain, and each pain i count my blessings.


today, this physical pain is also reflective of something deeper. today someone told me about a terrible violent act of rape that happened to her this week. she told me in such detail that i flinch again. that body memory that had been gone for so long. as she told me i stood there, safely in the foyer of church, with an unreal reel of an old movie playing in my head, where me, a young girl, lived years of the same act that she was grieving. hostage, my memory, her experience, in an instant was re-lived.

i hate that i can be so healthy for so long and it can all come crashing in, shattering me.



it is my anniversary today. my husband naturally wants to lovingly hug me and i can't even be touched. i have wept most of the afternoon; while washing salad, while shredding meat, while preparing desert and setting the table...19 years, happy anniversary dear. you would understand if you had ever been raped.