come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

today: triggers

this day, this sabbath. someone asked me how i am really doing. ...

how am i doing? really???

i suppose okay. i finally lost a little bit of grip on the rope of life, dangling over the edge, gazing below at the jagged rocks, knowing full well i can just let go and He will be there to help me fall. and really REALLY ...all will be well.

i haven't written for a while. i had a great post for January...beginnings, anew. fresh outlook, choosing happiness, and joy, because that is just it: joy is a choice. i wanted to talk about all the wonderful possibilities i was feeling ...and then life swooped in and i missed that ChaNcE to write while i had this bit of pondering, a positive pondering, even while juggling l i f e!

you would have LOVED it! and i am sorry i missed that moment. it is fuzzy but still somewhat fresh in my heart.

we found out that the growth had cancer. this time, out of a bakers dozen growths and surgeries, this one, the one i was healing from in December, had the c-word cells. my doctor was so positive that it was all going to be okay. a few days before Christmas he told me. it was my scheduled appointment.

i went alone.

it was okay. really.

i didn't feel panic, always thought i would. if it ever happened to me.

if anything i felt the compassion of a doctor that didn't overreact. sure he told me that i would be back to work the next day, after surgery in December, and we all know that was not reality. it sucked. i tried to go back to work, i work from home, a seriously spoiled stay at home mother who loves her job, but day after surgery to wake up to work and be expected to work as if i hadn't had c-word cut out of me the day was rough.

anyhow, he said that i just needed to wait til February and test again. we did, and all is well. they got it early and the surrounding tissue looks healthy and LUCKY. blessed, that's the word i am focused on.

anyhow, no panic. still hanging in there, toughing it out. although truly counting blessings while hanging over the jagged rocks. and very thankful. i sound like a dichotomy.

i did find out this month that i have a hernia. that, interestingly, the hernia, is the pain i have been in probably always, or at least most of the last 20 years. which has led them to find the tumors and question why they are hurting me so much. these types of tumors usually don't hurt. well, the pain, led me to the discovery of the growths, and the removal and the keeping me from a serious type of c-word. so i am still in pain, and each pain i count my blessings.

today, this physical pain is also reflective of something deeper. today someone told me about a terrible violent act of rape that happened to her this week. she told me in such detail that i flinch again. that body memory that had been gone for so long. as she told me i stood there, safely in the foyer of church, with an unreal reel of an old movie playing in my head, where me, a young girl, lived years of the same act that she was grieving. hostage, my memory, her experience, in an instant was re-lived.

i hate that i can be so healthy for so long and it can all come crashing in, shattering me.

it is my anniversary today. my husband naturally wants to lovingly hug me and i can't even be touched. i have wept most of the afternoon; while washing salad, while shredding meat, while preparing desert and setting the table...19 years, happy anniversary dear. you would understand if you had ever been raped.

No comments:

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191