pun not intended. i really did.
i thought i was well enough to be able to help people. to listen. to hear.
why is this breaking me so much?
this week i have been pondering all the E. Smart is doing to move forward. getting married, community efforts for children abused. speaking out and helping with abductions. she seems to have such a strength. somewhere here i wrote about what she was quoted saying and i knew that it was because of her faith and her family. maybe that is it....my faith lacks. idk, but i am happy for her.
this week i was thinking that it is my turn to help, maybe today was a test. maybe it was to show me if i can or can not help others heal. all i could say today was "i am so sorry for what happened to you. you seem to have such a strength." i said that.
i really meant it.
where is my strength?
B. said that to me today as the tears fell, he said, finally, "i am sorry for what happened to you" i cried worse.
i needed to hear that.
maybe i am not ready to help anyone else. i wanted to be ready.
maybe my inner child is still too broken.
maybe i am still too shattered.
i sit in a chair, weeping, still in unbelief.
my prayer is for her, this woman. may she heal and be blessed to keep up her strength. she seemed so empowered. i was happy for her.
while i was listening i felt frozen. i felt fear. i felt like it was all happening right there. to her, to me. and my children, my sons were sitting not to far from me. i wanted to scream for them to run. i didn't want them to hear what i was hearing. i saw my B. he looked at me. my mind pleaded for him to help me. please. he prompted it was time to go and turned to walk away. i felt stunned. all i could say was "please get the boys and take them" save them. i couldn't save myself.
i just stood there.
she needed someone to hear her, and i did.
i thought i was better than this.
i thought i could help others.
maybe i am not ready.
B. heard me. he said to me tonight that he heard my voice in his head say "i need your help"
but he turned to walk away. why?
i don't understand.
will anyone save me.
ever.
i know i am not that little girl. i am her grown - up
it is up to me to rescue her now.
i thought i was better.
i thought i was better than this.
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Thanks CORNUT32! ♥
What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.
I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.
Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191
2 comments:
Hello, Mile. OH! we DO go back a way now...so listen You do not EVER have to 'help' another. All you do is be there for them (her?) be WITH her, and listen some times. Peeps who are hurt need someone just to BE there, next to them, whispering maybe or singing a simple song of love, of peace. "Rock-a-by Baby" would even do, for starters.
Any 'help which is done, it is GOD Who is doing the helping. He simply uses us (since He is not human?) to be there, take His place, while He does the 'work!
I certainly hope that helps you...it helped me.
Blessings to you, my Peep-Friend.
Love...and PEACE!
(steveroni)
Your visit to my 4th dimension was nice, made me experience happy feelings tonite.
thank you my friend steveroni! you have been with me here since the beginning, with great respect. your rhetorics have been psalms to my heart. you have pointed me in the direction of true healing, often. thanks for caring. this is what this place of healing is all about. i am thankful you are here/hear with me. i count you as one of my blessings.
i wrote a 'tough it out" post. i was hoping to know how you are really doing. how are you? and prayer girl? i haven't read blogs much this year, in my own selfish pain. i am sorry. i have probably missed some hurts, as well as hopes and joys. i do want to know how you are doing.
maybe it is time for me to be back and do some works here. :)
mile191, aka hope
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