come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding,
the fear in my head.

abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future,
healing my heart.

crushed, and broken, falling fast-
needing comfort, make it last.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

i thought i was better than this

pun not intended. i really did.

i thought i was well enough to be able to help people. to listen. to hear.

why is this breaking me so much?

this week i have been pondering all the E. Smart is doing to move forward. getting married, community efforts for children abused. speaking out and helping with abductions. she seems to have such a strength. somewhere here i wrote about what she was quoted saying and i knew that it was because of her faith and her family. maybe that is faith lacks. idk, but i am happy for her.

this week i was thinking that it is my turn to help, maybe today was a test. maybe it was to show me if i can or can not help others heal. all i could say today was "i am so sorry for what happened to you. you seem to have such a strength." i said that.

i really meant it.

where is my strength?

B. said that to me today as the tears fell, he said, finally, "i am sorry for what happened to you" i cried worse.

i needed to hear that.

maybe i am not ready to help anyone else. i wanted to be ready.

maybe my inner child is still too broken.

maybe i am still too shattered.

i sit in a chair, weeping, still in unbelief.

my prayer is for her, this woman. may she heal and be blessed to keep up her strength. she seemed so empowered. i was happy for her.

while i was listening i felt frozen. i felt fear. i felt like it was all happening right there. to her, to me. and my children, my sons were sitting not to far from me. i wanted to scream for them to run. i didn't want them to hear what i was hearing. i saw my B. he looked at me. my mind pleaded for him to help me. please. he prompted it was time to go and turned to walk away. i felt stunned. all i could say was "please get the boys and take them" save them. i couldn't save myself.

i just stood there.

she needed someone to hear her, and i did.

i thought i was better than this.

i thought i could help others.

maybe i am not ready.

B. heard me. he said to me tonight that he heard my voice in his head say "i need your help"

but he turned to walk away. why?

i don't understand.

will anyone save me.


i know i am not that little girl. i am her grown - up

it is up to me to rescue her now.

i thought i was better.

i thought i was better than this.


Steve E said...

Hello, Mile. OH! we DO go back a way listen You do not EVER have to 'help' another. All you do is be there for them (her?) be WITH her, and listen some times. Peeps who are hurt need someone just to BE there, next to them, whispering maybe or singing a simple song of love, of peace. "Rock-a-by Baby" would even do, for starters.

Any 'help which is done, it is GOD Who is doing the helping. He simply uses us (since He is not human?) to be there, take His place, while He does the 'work!

I certainly hope that helps helped me.

Blessings to you, my Peep-Friend.
Love...and PEACE!

Your visit to my 4th dimension was nice, made me experience happy feelings tonite.

mile191 said...

thank you my friend steveroni! you have been with me here since the beginning, with great respect. your rhetorics have been psalms to my heart. you have pointed me in the direction of true healing, often. thanks for caring. this is what this place of healing is all about. i am thankful you are here/hear with me. i count you as one of my blessings.

i wrote a 'tough it out" post. i was hoping to know how you are really doing. how are you? and prayer girl? i haven't read blogs much this year, in my own selfish pain. i am sorry. i have probably missed some hurts, as well as hopes and joys. i do want to know how you are doing.

maybe it is time for me to be back and do some works here. :)

mile191, aka hope

who I was, who I am, who I plan to be...

i am trying to heal from severe childhood sexual, emotional,
physical, and mental abuse; and abandonment.

this is my story.

i have good and bad days, and some days the odds seem insurmountable.
i cling to the hope that healing will come to mend the shatter pieces of my heart, mind and body.

mile 191, well, you will understand as you read along.
mile 191, portions of my past have a link on the top right.
mile 191, bottoms up. hears to you and to me.

please, if you know me, just let me know you found me. i need honesty. (and please do not use personal names)
if you want to follow my story, please try to heal with me.
if you want to share with me, please do.
i will post bits of my pain as i can, and leave it here.
i once thought that i would publish...i haven't had the courage.

this is my closet, you are welcome to come in.
just know this is my refuge, healing takes place here,
maybe it will be a refuge to you too.

Quotes from Suvivors United - Standing Strong Together Against Abuse

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face.
Eleanor Roosevelt

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.
Helen Keller

Success is not to be measured by the position someone has reached in life, but the obstacles he has overcome while trying to succeed.
Booker T. Washington

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard, ' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'
Sydney Harris

Don't let life discourage you; everyone who got where he is had to begin where he was.
Richard L. Evans

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.
Joshua J. Marine

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanks CORNUT32! ♥

What a sweet award....and thanks for creating something so wonderful that can be passed along to bloggers who are indeed making a difference by sharing their lives.

I invite all my faithful and dear blogger friends to take this award. You indeed have made a difference in my life.

Thank you so much for being with me on my journey to heal....mile 191